| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 10:19:07 AM | | I recently was dating someone who had been in a abusive relationship prior to the one we had,and have a harde time understanding why she was so confused. The effects from her past relationship,interferred with the one we were working on,and had been going well but fell apart. I guess she has issues with feelings for a guy in her past who treated her like shit and was still getting strung along by the effects of his games. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 10:27:45 AM | One must deal with it and heal from it in order to move on to a healthy relationship. This takes time. Perhaps she did not give herself the time she needed to go through the process in order to move ahead into a new relationship.
Abusive relationships are emotionally destructive and until a person sheds all the negative feelings from such a relationship there is no hope for a new one to survive. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 12:38:00 PM |
All I can say is RUN and I mean RUN, Dont even look back!
To me, women who had been in abusive realtionships, are damaged goods. Especially, if she's coming from a abusive father, abusive boyfriends etc.
At some point she will think you're just like the others (eventhough you're not). She will think you're trying to control her etc. She will get defensive, bitter etc.
DO yourself a favor, RUN...
Damaged goods Ceno? Maybe those who haven't dealt with the past...but not those who have moved on and are ready to start over. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 12:58:19 PM | Most of us are more than capable of healing from the past given time and support and the right help, i've seen it often and also done it myself. Those who do not believe this is possible often also have their own issues to deal with which are not yet resolved. However if someone is not ready for whatever reason you cannot force the process, some choose to go into therapy, some don't, but with the kindness of those with loving hearts and understanding will be able to heal in their own time. It depends if you are prepared to go with this and accept her for what she is right now and assist her in the process of growth and healing or if it feels too much for you, and if it does no bad judgement on you at all, we all have our limitaions and you need to respect yours. Unfortunately for someone badly abused in childhood their wounds may linger and they may struggle greatly to come to terms with it and be able to move on. Basically its your choice, you can either stay and assist someone to heal or move on, in any event be kind which I already know you are or you would not even be asking this question, but do take care of yourself too. Also know that if someone has healed whilst they are with you they may choose to leave you when they have done so, they will have grown and may have outgrown you, its a fact of life so be prepared.
Best wishes
Aphrodite | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 1:01:37 PM | In my long life I have found that people who have been wronged in any way will make everybody else they meet pay for it for the rest of their lives. Most women who have been physically abused will now look at every creature with a penis as a potential abuser. Much the same as women who were violated as kids will suspect every man will be a child molestor, etc....
Now, details.... did her ex hit her just because of was he defending himself as she attacked him with the 9 inch carving knife?
There ARE circumstances where physical contact is NOT abuse. Did she come home drunk and start hitting him and he shoved her to get her off him?
I was attacked with a knife by wife #2. I kicked the knife out of her hands and locked her out of the aprtment while the poilce came. I was charged with domestic violence. Cleared or any wrongdoing, but it is still there as a past charge.
This is not always black and white, but you WILL pay forever because of what someone else did. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 1:02:46 PM | To me, women who had been in abusive realtionships, are damaged goods. Especially, if she's coming from a abusive father, abusive boyfriends etc.
Please, i hope you dont really believe that. I feel if the woman hasnt done the necessary work to heal (Therapy) then yes she carrries alot of baggage into the next relationship with her. Like anyone, who has made choices that are not the best ones.
I think you have to ask yourself why you continued to play the rescuer? (not giving you blame) maybe there was a need for you to?
if you both want to continue being together get help for that.
Best wishes | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 1:13:13 PM | damaged goods? Thats a laugh...just about everyone I have ever dated has had thier own "issues".
anyone man or woman who has been abused/raped etc..is going to have alot of issues..and you will have to jump through a few hoops. But like I say this is true of just about everyone you will meet.
If the woman is a "good woman" working through whatever may still plague her will help to soldify your bond..
I would imagine that there are many women rolling thier eyes thinking isnt this like all those men who suffer from issues such as : "i think my penis is too small" /"im too short"/"im not rich enough"...etc...etc....does that make those men damaged goods?
In the end your ability to bond and communicate will help allieviate issues from the past...i think its kinda why we get in relationshps in the first place...two is stronger than one..loving someone helps to put issues in the past...where they belong.. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 1:13:54 PM | Most women who have been physically abused will now look at every creature with a penis as a potential abuser. Much the same as women who were violated as kids will suspect every man will be a child molestor
Are you serious Eddie? I dont want to get into a heated discussion about this one
I can just tell you that the woman i know that have been there and done that, are more
likely to think that there are lil green men running around in the back yard
Unbelievable !!!! | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 1:17:43 PM | Most women who have been physically abused will now look at every creature with a penis as a potential abuser
Not necessarily. We are more vigilant though, because we know how easily we could fall into that trap again. I don't think all men are abusers, although if a guy says something off-kilter, I'll ask him to explain. But I won't freak out to the point where it'll effect our relationship. There have only been two times where it's had an effect on me to the point where a guy would even notice. Once with my ex when he pinned me down and wouldn't let me up and I panicked....and once when a guy I was dating got agressive during a kiss and pinned me against a wall. I had a moment of panic that he wouldn't have noticed had he not been looking into my eyes. It lasted just a second.But those feelings are few and far between....I guess because I've dealt with it. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 1:31:26 PM | Just read the forums honey and see how many women actually pay for background checks before they meet a guy, and that's just a quick meeting for a beer. Reason given?
"The last guy I met ended up slapping me...." or something else equally as ridiculous.
Some people live their life in a concrete bunker or a plastic sterile bubble.
Ladies, your poise, your level of class, the manner with which you carry yourself, the aura you present... that is how you keep from being physically abused. There are people, male and female, that are chronic victims because they project an image that they are a doormat.
But back to topic, it's not a strike against HER that she was a victim in the past, but it can be a strike against the relationship succeeding if she brings forth trust issues because of something someone else did.
I can only speak for me, but when that kind of thing from the past is even mentioned with respect to the future, I get away quickly. I know an uphill battle when I see one and I prefer not to deal with it. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 1:35:35 PM | I've always been amazed how many abused women there are out there. I'd have to say a full 40% of the women I've dated in my life tell me they were abused at one point in thier life. The hardest thing I found to cope with was. When you're nice and caring to such a lady, she tends to get nervous and uncomfortable. Thinking it's some sort of trick. I'd find myself holding back when it came to the affection I showed them. Sucks having to do that but seemed to make them more comfortable.
What truely amazes me is. How many men think it's ok to beat a woman. The way I was raised there isn't any reason to ever hit a lady. Makes as much sense to me as sticking your****in a light socket. | |
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RJB888
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Joined: 11/23/2005
Msg: 12 | |
| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 2:16:56 PM | | When I was married 20+ years ago it was very abusive. It took a very long time to trust men, even though I did date I just couldn't trust THAT much, None of the other dates showed any abusive behavior. My last realtionship lasted 12 years. about 6 - 8 months into the relationship we where standing in the kitchen debating something and he slightly raised his voice, I had a flash back. I dropped my glass and started backing away. My bf was looking at me with a shocked and sad look on his face. I was shaking. My bf said...my god what did he do to you?... I would never hurt you. And in 12 years he never screamed or yelled at me, raised his hand to me, nothing we always talked it out. He made it so I could take the chance to trust men again. When we split it was on good terms. We are still friends to a point, he's new gf does not want him to have anything to do with me. My new bf has no problems with me being friends with my ex. My new bf rocks. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 2:30:01 PM |
Just read the forums honey and see how many women actually pay for background checks before they meet a guy, and that's just a quick meeting for a beer. Reason given?
"The last guy I met ended up slapping me...." or something else equally as ridiculous.
Some people live their life in a concrete bunker or a plastic sterile bubble.
That's because they haven't really dealt with it.
Ladies, your poise, your level of class, the manner with which you carry yourself, the aura you present... that is how you keep from being physically abused. There are people, male and female, that are chronic victims because they project an image that they are a doormat.
That's not true in my case, nor the case for most women I know. While I was being abused, I projected the image of a confident...if somewhat shy at first...woman. He started slowly and "worked" me until he completely wore me down. I kept up the appearance to others though, because I was naive and developed issues....and wanted to somehow protect him. I knew it was wrong even as I was living it, but until he took the last bit of hope from me, I kept up hope that he would realize that he really did "love" me like I loved him. It was a sick, twisted situation, looking back I regret that I wasn't strong enough to leave sooner.It's hard to explain...
I hid it so well, my parents don't know and only a few of my friends. Although my dad had some idea, when he went to our summer house and saw a damaged (kicked in) door and stains on the carpet.
I've always been amazed how many abused women there are out there. I'd have to say a full 40% of the women I've dated in my life tell me they were abused at one point in thier life.
Estimates range from 8% to 51% here in Canada. We'll probably never know because of underreporting. There IS a correlation between abuse and the area of Canada you live in. NL has the largest incidence of reported domestic abuse (although it's not certain whether it's because of prevalence or higher reporting rate)
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence/html/femviof_e.html
I used an 8% example out of fairness.
again my experience, no matter if they dealt with the past or not, doesnt matter how many shrinks they've been to, those scars come out at some point in the future.
been there done that...never again
and yes, 99% are damaged goods. They never heal completely. And also you can see the fact that these people keep finding abusive people over and over again.
You're probably right about the scars, but most people have issues...your experience with abused women has tainted your view of us. Your "scars" (for lack of a better word) are coming to the surface based on the very fact that you discriminate based on past experience. Unfair? Maybe. But it's your prerogative.
You're right about too many women going back into the same patterns of behavior, but it is far less than 99% of abused women, and these are usually women who have no support system and have recieved no counselling. I was a peer counsellor and I can't tell you how frustrating it was for me to see it. On the flip side, I saw many women who got out, stayed out and went on to bigger and better things.
I'll admit to being fearful of some men for a while (men who looked like my ex physically or had some of the same mannerisms) but time and hearing the experiences of others who've had it worse have made it easier and I don't think about it all that much.
Look at it this way. Of all the men I've dated, gone out with, etc...only ONE has done this to me. You'll know that you're "better" when you recognize that and base the future on it. I have, for the most part.
Sorry to ramble on everyone. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 2:34:57 PM | Ceno, I can appreciate that you had a terrible relationship b/c of past abuse your partner had received, but that's a huge umbrella statement to be making about an abuse survivor. while I agree that some men can't ~ or won't ~ deal w/ that, not everyone will have the same experience as you. abuse ~ especially the kind that I believe you're eluding to ~ isn't the victim's fault, and holding someone accountable for something that happened to them by no fault of their own is keeping them a victim.
it's not for you, we understand that ~ but don't colour everyone the same shade of grey
OT: she isn't ready for you. that's not your fault, but it really wouldn't be fair to you to be involved w/ her right now. as has already been mentioned, she needs to heal herself first, and she clearly hasn't done that yet. some ppl never do. give her some space, and be her friend ~ she can't trust you as a mate yet, but she may learn to in the safety of friendship
good luck | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 2:48:36 PM | My goodness!
If you had difficulty understanding why she was so confused, it's because she needs to go through the stage of mental healing.
Gosh, I feel so bad for her.
Believe me, it's not easy and she may never heal without the proper professional help.
Mental abuse can take a lifetime to overcome.
Please be careful with everything that you do that concerns this woman.
If you can devote yourself to her in a supportive and understanding manner, you will earn her trust.
If you earn her trust and not abuse her yourself, then you will have helped her immensely!
It's not easy trying to understand her feelings as you cannot actually feel what she went through herself.
Good luck, my friend. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 3:25:23 PM | Unless you know the details of how someone was abused, you have no idea of the emotional trauma they have felt. Some of the comments made above are not based on facts, but on pure conjecture. Anyone who comes out of an abusive relationships needs time to get their life back to normal, with or without counselling. There are no excuses for verbal or physical abuse, and yet it is still happening. Sometimes alcohol or drug abuse is involved, but not necessarily. Each and every one of us can try to put a stop to it, by teaching our children how to deal with anger, bullies and stressful situations. We can also adopt a zero tolerance for any kind of abuse in future relationships. Nobody deserves to be hit, and it doesn't matter how you carry yourself, that will not prevent it. That's simply untrue. Women need to learn how to deal with it the 'first' time it happens in any relationship. If there are no consequences for the abuser, he or she, will continue to escalate exerting power and control over their partner, until there is intervention.
Regaining the ability to trust someone in the future takes work, but we need to know when to put the past behind us and move forward. Until we've done that, we are not ready to start a new relationship. But to call someone 'damaged goods' is extremely offensive to me. Unbelievable how people have no understanding or compassion. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. If any of you watched the movie called "The Burning Bed" with Farrah Fawcett, you might have a better understanding of what some women go through. That was a case of extreme abuse, but any kind of abuse leaves its mark. That doesn't mean it has to be permanent, we all have the power within us to heal and move forward. Enough said. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 3:38:50 PM | it's a good thing we can tell or get the chance to talk to them before we commit to a relationship  this way if we are thinking with the right head  we know not to make her a project but allow her a chance to recover or not get caught up in her trauma 
Ladies this goes both ways | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 4:49:29 PM | When the past interferes with the present... it hasn't been dealt with and the healing hasn't happened. In cases like that, they are not ready for a relationship... with anyone!
Another person can not cause healing. You can support someone, but the healing and the change has to come from within themselves. A "new love" does not heal someone. A therapist does not heal someone... he/she can help them to look at things from a different perspective and guide them to do what ever is needed to reach the point that they can let go of the past. But, the real work has to be done by the person that is suffering the effects.
Like everything else in life, you are responsible for how you react to any situation- past, present or future. To say anything in someones past makes them "damaged goods" is ridiculous! "Damaged goods" are thrown in the trash or sold at a drastically reduced rate because no one wants it and it CAN'T be repaired! To say that about a person is to say they are worthless, have no value to anyone EVER.
You survive, you heal, you get stronger. You get on with your life without carrying the baggage of the past on your shoulders. If you don't do that... then there is no life to carry on with because you are still in the past, and you can't live in the past and the present at the same time. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 4:50:23 PM | Ceno: Damaged goods? I'm glad that i don't look at myself like that or I may have never come to achieve all of the positive things that I have. Not exactly the voice of hope.
In generalizing all women who have been abused in the past, you reveal your own tenacious scars that need healing. I do not look at all men as possible abusers, but I do consider my past eduactional because I know exactly what to avoid and what signs to warn my friends about. I am also a stronger and better person for all of the things I have experienced, I wouldn't trade a second of my past, regardless of any man who may look at me as damaged goods. That is indeed his problem, not mine. | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 4:56:55 PM | Ever heard of of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Ever met anyone who still had the effects of PTSD? If so what did you do? Walk away? Hang in there? torture her further and make her feel wrong? Anyone already walk away from a partner who developed this disorder through no fault of thier own? If so why? A serious question my friends.
Best wishes
Aphrodite | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 5:47:05 PM | Ceno are you for real? Get over yourself. What if you had a daughter and she was abused you would say she is damaged goods???? I think your damaged goods for thinking that way.  | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 5:48:16 PM | Copy of post that i attempted to send to previous poster Cenos privately but he blocked me on repy to this forum, shame really but there you go.
"Either say something really concrete that gives some kind of real evidence or maybe stop spouting your own discontent on the forums, all i ever see you say is run"
I don’t have to, I have my own experiences, not one but many.
So where are they, not intending to be mean right now but all I see is “don’t do this and don’t do that etc”….what is that all about really apart from you?~ ~If you actually have something positive to say I would be very pleased to see it but as yet nothing has come my way, maybe I’ve not been reading the right forums in which case I will happily stand corrected but point me to them.
"that it is completely possible to heal" I agree. It is possible, for maybe 1% heal and move on with their life.
Sorry my friend absolute and utter crap from my own perception as a therapist working with mental health clients and abused women. It’s the 1% that don’t heal because they don’t believe that they can because of people like you
And so on etc except it never happened because he blocked me | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 6:00:04 PM | experience sides with ceno. the only addition would be " DON'T go there to begin with"...
same advice would be given to a woman who finds out a man was abusive - Run! | |
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| Dating a woman who has been abused in the past
Posted: 11/23/2006 6:02:24 PM | | Ceno: My past has enhanced and enriched who I am as a person and if a man cannot handle that, then he is not worthy to be in my presence. I need no reminders of the generalizations made in your posts, I choose to ignore the type of small mindedness you display. | |
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