| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/26/2006 3:48:56 PM | Until December 18th, or until the thread drops to page 14, whichever comes last.
No rules. And no voting. Any style, any mood. Write as much as you want: one on each of the topics; five on each of four topics; twenty variations on the same topic; whatever you wish.
Everyone who enters automatically wins a handsome musk-of-musk-ox-gonad-scented tome of the collected works of Rod McKuen, which comes in handy when you want to silence the insufferable bore beside you on the long transAtlantic flight by reading him several passages out loud and with great animation.
1) She flossed my dentures while wearing her slinkiest teddy.
2) I just joined the "Naked For Jesus" church.
3) Penguins ate my beef casserole.
4) The pole-vaulting contest.
5) Making love while listening to Barry Manilow.
6) Diary: First week after winning sixteen million dollars in the lottery.
7) Aspiring writer seeks lithe gymnast.
8) The ghost of Elvis Presley visits Cher.
9) Seven things to do in a long bank line-up to relieve boredom and irritate those around you.
10) The postman leaves a special gift.
11) Dildo party at church bazaar gets out of hand.
12) Dreams of Esmerelda (or Geraldo, if you're a gal).
13) Getting drunk while a contestant on "The Price Is Right".
14) I was a spy on Uranus.
15) On steroids in the strip club.
16) World Wrestling Federation reject gets a new job at a donut factory.
17) I fell in love with my librarian.
18) Skipping stones at the municipal swimming pool.
19) My Saint Bernard rescued me from rabid Jehovah's witnesses.
20) After I soaked my goiter in rum, I walked outside and .... | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:15:26 PM | I'll clean my seeds and see if I can toast it.
I went to home depot and tried to buy some lathe
the plaster guy was on break
some mustached big ass gal
who prolly was hot before her bib had tools in it
led me to the tile section
she just wanted laid...
moo
edit: guess I should pick a topic | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:46:42 PM | Last time that I went up north,
I had to eat a bowl of borscht
Beet the penguin casserole by a mile
Beef is so much more my style
 moo | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/26/2006 4:54:32 PM | THE GHOST OF ELVIS PRESLEY VISITS CHER
Well, bless my shroud, what's wrong with me.
I'm shakin' like smoke in a peach schnappes tree.
I'm proud to say you're my share of joy,
I ain't got you, Babe, I'm a bodiless boy.
U - U- U. Yay. Yay, yay, yay.
U - U - U. U -U - U. U.
Sneaky and coy. | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:11:53 PM | 15) On steroids in the strip club.
I wondered where my change went when she said that she wanted a coke
My neck expanded to the point that I had to undo a button on my handtailored
silk shirt
I didn't balk
I wasn't aware that my balls had shrunk yet
$200 bucks and a shot from the vets
Canine shots don't prep you for felines...
I'm going to wash up, see you another time...
moo | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/26/2006 9:40:54 PM | Dildo party at church bazaar gets out of hand.
White Elephant booth has a special toy:
It boasts of buzzes and a thang like a big boy
Hung proudly, it hums rather loudly.
There I was fondling a Rabbit, and shit,
This old nun tried to grab it! | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/26/2006 9:42:55 PM | I just joined the "Naked For Jesus" church.
Jesus is the reason for the seasoned
Naked worshippers in their bunny slippers
Gold crosses on chains
A sea of nipples across the pews
And men standing erect to praise the King of the Jews. | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/26/2006 10:11:05 PM | Penguins ate my beef casserole
They were dressed in sharp tuxedos
As they served the evenings meal
Yum yum I love beef casserole
At 9.99 it was a steal
My mouth watered in anticipation
As I passed by the dessert tray
"No thanks Ill wait till after
The beef dish comes my way"
My eyes grew wide in horror
As much to my dismay
The waiters in the "penguin suits"
had led us all astray
One was carrying gumbo
Another creme broulle
Hey bring back my beef casserole
I announced as they ran away
penguins ate my beef casserole
This really ticks me off
It was no consolation
My second choice meal was 50 percent off | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/26/2006 10:18:20 PM | I fell in love with my librarian(These are too funny)
I fell in love with my librarian
In a tale of romance very much Shakespearian
I was there to pay some over due fines
Id accumulated since 1969
Both of our hearts were fluttering free
At the checkout counter
It was destiny
But I couldnt pay for the first date you see
So our love ended as a result of late fees | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/26/2006 10:37:59 PM |
Good one, kat. That sounds like a Shakespearean tragedy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY LIBRARIAN
Fiddling with the remaindered dust-covered pamphlet rejects
In the "atomic commission on refried bean superfluous gas"
Section in subsection sixty-three in the library basement,
I noted with quickening elan the shy, leggy librarian. I inspected
Her sleek thighs wrapped tightly in severe navy blue as I passed
Her surreptitiously amongst the mouldering casements.
Fondling an ancient book on "ergonomic interludes in gravitational
Miscues within agrarian outposts in the Baltic", I sidled
Closely to her horned-rimmed glasses as I smiled sweetly
And offered her a bite of my "Fisherman's Friend". Sensational
Was her smile, wan and sweet, as she accepted, and, while I idled
In reverent reverie, got lost in her toothy ministrations discreetly.
She went to work on that lozenge like Paris Hilton at Bloomingdale's
In the lingerie department with the quarterback with a thick splint.
Tripping on my tongue, I said, "the ubdixilating ferronous menhesmis
Flips recruvadindingly upon my midriff when you're near me. Hail!
Vaunted woman, vex my organs with terminal lip-lock as I sprint
For your heart in an ocean of tumult!" I awaited her kiss.
She leaned in close, and puckered like a rose in the morning sun.
I leaned in, too, and planted a thick one on her flushed mouth.
We danced the Iberian tango till the janitors came a-calling.
Traversing the winding staircase, we continued with our fun,
Unlitigious and carefree in the naughty wing of the building, south
Of the foyer, her flesh was sweetly enthralling. | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/27/2006 9:31:14 AM | Very funny, everyone! I can't compete!
These are my very first poetry postings - ever- so don't laugh! Hmm, maybe that's the point, so ok go for it! | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 12 | |
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| Naked for Jesus church
Posted: 11/27/2006 2:41:45 PM | The weeping worked out for a spell;
the gnashing of teeth went quite well,
but when it came time,
we all had to mime
the renting of garments. Oh Hell! | |
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| Naked for Jesus church
Posted: 11/27/2006 3:12:37 PM | The Price is Right
The other night I shared some drinks
Down at the local bar
With a guy who’s name was Jim
He had traveled really far
For Jim you see had just returned
Late the other night
From being a contestant
On that show The Price is right
So I asked old Jim hey how’d you do
Up there on that thare show
He said I got on T.Y
Now that’s no small feat ya know?
That’s great my friend says I to him
So why are you so down
He said to me there’s more to tell
You really should sit down
Another round he ordered
And while looking in his beer
Very quietly he said to me
I almost didn’t hear
I didn’t get up on the stage
Because I’d won the bid
I got real drunk before the show
Now this is what I did
I listened very carefully
So serious I had a frown
I passed out on the floor I did
‘fore they said Jim come on Down
I missed my opportunity
For having great riches and fame
As right there in the aisle I laid
Before they called my name
No Plinko did I get to play
I missed the grocery game
I didn’t even get to bid
Before security came
So this is my advice to you
If you think you’re on the brink
Don’t go to any game shows
While ye be on the drink! | |
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| Naked for Jesus church
Posted: 11/27/2006 6:11:57 PM | 19) My Saint Bernard rescued me from rabid Jehovah's witnesses
My dog door has a latch for this
Bible thumping caused a blister
mister
....as I looked to the east
upon my knees
I invoked a twister
Hold on while I take a piss
Every drawer
and want to be whore
has a bible to read
it's in the nightstand
soddomy and gamorra
fantasy somemorra
Doorbell rings and I toss down my quarter pounder
pissed at the invasion from the bell sounder
I didn't invite you...
I ordered flounder
Stuff that down my throat and I'll puke bile
Filet of me and a soul that grew a mile
Don't be so acidic...
I love you...
moo | |
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| Naked for Jesus church
Posted: 11/27/2006 7:30:50 PM | my st. bernard...
i believe i was in eighth grade when my dad brought home the pup
barely 3 months old, she filled a large box, about 35 pounds
she came from the breeder with a name that was a mouthful
beau cheval dazzle mardoug...
yes, from a long and award-winning line
but I couldn’t call her that; instead, brandywine
she acclimated well to her new home, a ½ court spread
that she could call her own; with a giant doghouse
surrounded by a six foot tall fence, as she wasn’t fixed
i’ll never forget that amorous male that managed to jump in
i’ll bet he was wearing a big ole doggy grin
until she shrugged and totally dislodged him
so, one day we all walk on down to the beach, 3 houses away
and we are having a nice walk, out on the pier
suddenly the neighbor’s dog, bruno, comes from nowhere
and attacks poor daiquiri, the mini poodle, exposing guts
brandy jumps to the defense of her housemate
strewing stringy drool all over the place
the aggresssor vanquished, chaos abounds, shrieking ensues
guts are strewn all around, a trip to the vet seems sound
daiquiri is taken, clinging to life
the rest of us look for the source of the strife
bruno is found at the neighbor’s, as anticipated
behind a pass that is thoroughly gated
and out from the house, a strange thing i see
jehovah’s witnesses come, proselytizing me
are they mad? deranged? out of their heads?
don’t they know the little dog could be dead?
what do I care for their god? who me?
i’m from an entirely different family.
yes, the little poodle is near death.
and the jehovah’s witnesses see none of this.
ensconced in their religion, all they see
is those who have beliefs apart from thee.
but, beneficent god knows the score
he deems this dog is here to do more. | |
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| My Saint Bernard Resues Me From Rabid Jehovah's Witnesses
Posted: 11/27/2006 8:05:01 PM | MY SAINT BERNARD RESCUED ME FROM RABID JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES
*RING RING*
"Bernie, get the door. If it's the Girl Guides,
Tell 'em I've got enough chocolate
To start my own Willie Wonka factory. Hide,
I will, in the den until they're gone. Give 'em a lick
Whoever they are."
"Woof".
"Hello! Have you heard of the Great Horseman of the Apocalypse?
I'll just leave these tracts for your master to read for his salvational tips."
"GROOWWWWWWRRRR!!! GGRRRRRRRR!!!!!! WOOF!!! ROWWRRR!!!!" *CHOMP*
(A period of profound heavenly silence ensues, and I emerge from my den.)
"Good boy, Bernie! I'd reward you with a treat,
But it seems you're not hungry, you've had your fun.
I'll just clean up the mess here. What heat!
Only mad dogs and funda-mentalists go out in the midday sun." | |
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| My Saint Bernard Resues Me From Rabid Jehovah's Witnesses
Posted: 11/27/2006 8:16:37 PM | ~ Seven things to do in a long bank line-up to relieve boredom and irritate those around you.
Look at the tellers,and then pick your nose,
Pull off your socks,and pick lint from your toes,
Let go a soft fart,silent but deadly,
Belt out a 20 minute Broadway show medley,
Make a weird face,and scream "What is that smell?!"
Tell the next person about your date from Hell,
Last but not least,and sure to offend,
Keep b*tching about how the line just wont' end!!
Try all those things next time that you bank,
And,when you're kicked out,it's me that you'll thank!
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| My Saint Bernard Resues Me From Rabid Jehovah's Witnesses
Posted: 11/27/2006 8:24:54 PM | rory...
You rule surpreme buddy.....
I Will post here....
Last hour....
Last breath....
Reading....
reading...
................reading...................
Thanx so much for raising the bar......
Without a doubt the greatest poet here.......
But still going to post.....
(hey....you do not make it easy!!) | |
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| My Saint Bernard Resues Me From Rabid Jehovah's Witnesses
Posted: 11/27/2006 8:25:46 PM | ~Penguins ate my beef casserole.
Penguins,
annoying little creatures,
Like bowling balls with feet.
Calculating,
devious in their motives,
My fridge door is ajar.
Sated,
By my beef casserole,
licking their greedy beaks,
Taunting,
leaving me only one choice,
Penguin stew for supper! | |
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| My Saint Bernard Resues Me From Rabid Jehovah's Witnesses
Posted: 11/27/2006 9:00:10 PM | Dear Diary
One week since my last entry
everything has changed
I have friends I can't remember
and relatives deranged
The reason being this
I have won the lottery
sixteen million dollars
so shocked I couldn't see
It's now becoming clearer
A brand new porche I drive
The house is worth 10 million
So great to be alive
For everybody that I knew
I went and bought a house
A car I put in their garage
So they'd think me not a louse
I bought a plane and runway
a helecopter too
A stranger asked for money
what's a man to do?
one moment...the phone is ringing
I've just talked to my accountant
I am now reduced to tears
the money has all disappered
confirming my worst fears
I've spent it all, that money
each and every cent
but hell, hey what a party
t'was money so well spent! | |
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| The postman leaves a special gift
Posted: 11/27/2006 11:28:46 PM | The postman left a special gift
it's in a box as long as my knee.
Must be a mistake
it's addressed to me.
Curiosity is killing me
open it I must
dildo church bazaar
is the return addressee.
Eagerly anticipating a new toy
I put aside my penguin beef stew
ripping paper all aside
OMG it's huge!!!
Happily, I run to bed
can't wait to play with
this big, new dildo of mine
Aww shit, the batteries are dead!
Can't return it,
since it's been used.
Moral goes
make sure the batteries are new. | |
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| The postman leaves a special gift
Posted: 11/27/2006 11:57:38 PM | 5) Making love while listening to Barry Manilow.
not sure I wanna be called Mandy
it's why I won't sleep with thee
nor his sex inside me
I'm no ghost
but I will haunt thee
if you call me Mandy
the devil is real
waiting for you to say "oh Jesus"
then I'll reply
my name is....
but I'll leave you with a laugh...
it will be the end of love
ex called Mandy is all you wanted
in time you will remember my name
I'll reply...
it's not for me to say
sincerely
teach me tonight
are you lonesome tonight
all you have to do is dream
beyond the sea
can't smile without you
I write the songs
some kind of friend...
I've turned and gone to Bruce Springstein
Crush on you
Dead Man Walkin'
Drift Away
sounds like I'm in luv with BS??? | |
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| New Verse Contest -- Everyone Welcome
Posted: 11/28/2006 1:46:08 AM | Creative writes, everyone.
Thanks, Truthisee. Glad you're reading, and I hope to read your posts here.
======================================================================
WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION REJECT GETS NEW JOB IN A DONUT FACTORY
The Amazing Scissor-Kicking Samurai Full-Nelson Stealth Sniper In Polka-Dot Tights
Is now known as Caspar Wigglebottom to his jelly-donut assembly-line workers.
It's the wrestling has-been's job to fill the white gooey dough with purple passion of jelly
As the overhead machines mock him with hallucinating memories of crowd noise:
"Kick him in the nuts, Samurai! Yi-E-E-E!" goes the metal mayhem over the conveyor belt.
Frenzied, behind on the manically-moving donuts, shooting preserved jam in unequal amounts,
Caspar goes apeshit: "Fuck this job! Where is the Marvelous Face-Munching Zombie From Hell,
The Back-Alley Man From Alcatraz With Whipped-Cream In His Jockstrap, The Floating Rapier-
Swashbuckling Nuclear Zorro? You donut-bellied wimps!" And with that, he headed for the door.
He opened it, and to his horror, the new boss was dressed like a Komodo dragon,
And began whistling the theme from "Shaft" as he commenced to disembowel our unintrepid hero.
Donut offal, groaning crankshafts of hectic machinery, shrieking commisars of union sloth,
All geared up and flying through the hellish donut production plant. Today's quota would not be met. | |
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