| Some help here? I have a penis phobia
Posted: 11/29/2006 5:25:01 PM | Alright, I dont know if coming to this forum for advice is the right idea, I'll probably get a lot of flack, but here goes anyway.
I have a problem. It seems that I have a penis phobia. I am fine with regular intercourse, but when it comes to going down on a guy, or even hand jobs sometimes, I just cant do it. It seems kind of like a mental block thing. Like whenever it comes up (pardon the pun) I just freeze up and get scared or something.
As you can see, this causes some problems in a relationship. I've read on this forum before, that 'if a girl wont go down-get rid of her' and that kind of idea scares me also. A lot of frustration and distress has come lately.
So what can I do? Is it that I am not experienced enough? (I've had only one other partner before) Will I become more comfortable as time passes? Do I slowly 'train' myself to become used to it? Is this logical? Is it common? Any suggestions or advice would help.
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 5:29:03 PM | You don't have to do anything you don't want to...
If you are against oral sex, don't do it... Certainly don't let anyone force you to do it...
If you want to do it, but have a true phobia, no one here will be able to help you, you'd have to go see a Dr for that...
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 5:29:17 PM | | My advice, relax. Whether its in your hoo hoo or in your hand or mouth, its the same thing. | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 5:40:27 PM | What exactly scares you about a penis? Are you afraid of hurting the guy? Being too rough? Or do you have anxiety over it that you can't explain at all? Maybe you're afraid of not being good at it because you're inexperienced?
Why it scares you really is the key to the problem. If it's a matter of insecurity or fear of causing pain then that can easily be dealt with by open communication and practice.
If it's a phobia, an irrational fear then slowly building up to it until you're comfortable with it should work.
Don't do anything you really don't want to do though. There will be a guy out there for you who can accept you as you are. In the long run if you do something you don't want to, you could end up resenting the man you're with. The world doesn't revolve around BJs and hand jobs anyway.
Good luck. | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 5:55:18 PM | Thanks.
My guy doesnt pressure me or expect anything from me, its just that I wish I could pleasure him as well. We've talked about this and he seems to be understanding.
I guess it is maybe more of an anxiety... I guess I might be scared as to if I will be good at it or not (which is dumb because the only way to know and get better is practice.) Or that I am insecure a little.
And I'm not against oral sex either. I think its great on the recieving end, but I just cant seem to do it.... | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 6:19:25 PM | Practice on inanimate objects. Get a fleshy dildo and have at it, perhaps with some jam or honey as a sweetener. Ask your partner what he likes when receiving HJ/BJs and practice on the facsimile.
Move on to the real thing while blindfolded or a little drunk. Disinhibition helps.
Cheers,
Mike (if practice is a virtue, what is practicing being non-virtuous?) | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 6:25:36 PM | | Considering you have a very understanding partner i guess time will make things alright. In my previous relationship (i've only been in 2) my gf suffered in a sense the same thing you did. It took time and openess but after awhile she got use to it and actually enjoyed it. Through that i know that in time anything is possible. So just take your time and over the course of you relationship gradually bring yourself around to it and im sure youll enjoy it too, best of luck :) | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 6:39:51 PM | | I agree with Urban (again lol), practice on something or when drunk. Or when you are sober and he is drunk, then there is very little pressure on you, he will love it regardless but its practice. | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 7:23:50 PM | | No one is going to dump because you won't go downtown, unless all they are looking for is a bj. You will get over it as you get more experience. I had a gf who was virgin when we met and I went through the same thing. I didn't care because I was interested in her. If a guy gets upset because of that he is likley just looking for sex. More time with another partner and you might change. When you hit your 30's you'll definately change. Don't worry a guy worth keeping won't mind. | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 7:32:54 PM | I think maybe the thing is your not experienced enough yet. In time you may be up to trying this. Your talking and communication is key here. The most important thing is to only do what you want. I've met guys who believe it or not, don't care for oral and don't do oral either. One guy may do oral but prefer you not to. Every guy is different so do not go thinking they all want the same thing. Not every-one does everything....although I've got girlfriends who do....... Just don't sweat it...it's gonna be fine. Heck, I was once pretty much just like you. By the way, no-one needs to drink to have any kind of sex. Sober sex is so much nicer, and you get to actually remember it too.  | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 7:40:03 PM | you are totally forgetting one thing: it can actually be pleasurable for the woman to go down on a man. hell-- i love it. the power, the skill of knowing that you are great at it, hearing him moan with pleasure............ you need to get past you insecurity and work on it like a skill that you want to be VERY good at.
ya-- and get drunk. that always helps. | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 7:54:49 PM | | ~OP~ Don't pay any attention to those who insist oral is a requirement. Don't do anything you are uncomfortable with and don't get bullied into doing things that you find unnerving. Once you are long term with someone who truly does care for you ~ it will happen naturally. It's probably now something you are over-thinking. Just relax and it will be just fine. | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 9:00:59 PM | | One of my friends dated a guy for 7 years....she had a very similar problem! Not quite sure how it lasted as long as it did! | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 9:13:45 PM | If it is not something you want to do than by all means DON'T DO IT If you are with someone that truly cares about you in my opinion than he wouldn't want you to do something that made you uncomfortable.
BUT (hehehe) if it's something that you are interested in or at least want to give thee ol' college try before you decide whether it's for you I say go for it!!!
I mean it doesn't sound like you have a lot of hands on experience (pun intended) so it may be you are self conscious and just a bit nervous which is completely natural.
It often helps put things in perspective to make an analogy to something that you currently do in normal every day life for instance:
When I began driving I was horrified to go onto the freeway and merge onto traffic. I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to do it well & I was nervous that I'd look like a fool in front of the people that were in the car with me. Well now I merge with best of them and adore the freeway!!
As they say practice makes perfect but only and I STRESS only if you enjoy doing it!!!
Best,
j.. | |
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| Some help here? I have a penis phobia
Posted: 11/29/2006 10:42:05 PM | phoenixphire.....You need to be relaxed, and start from the guys mouth, then move your way down his entire body with you mouth and fingers. When you get to his penis, just close your eyes and pretend it's an icecream! I kid you not, it works!  | |
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RJB888
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Joined: 11/23/2005
Msg: 17 | |
| Some help here? I have a penis phobia
Posted: 11/29/2006 11:05:21 PM | | I had the same problem many years ago. I felt I would be bad at it and he would not enjoy it. Which put more pressure on me. But he was very understanding and we worked through my issue. You can try chocolate syrups, whip cream. Yes even practice on a dildo with your bf or if you aren't comfortable with that in private. I bet once you finally get to him you will find that it is as good for you as for him. But don't ever do something you don't want to do. You say he is understanding that is the first big step is being with a man that is willing to take time with you. Not all men will dump a woman because she does not proform oral. Sounds like you found a good man. Good luck to you both. | |
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| Some help here?
Posted: 11/29/2006 11:56:34 PM | I like that a grown woman said 'hoo hoo'... that is the highlight of my evening.
the giggleparts - I'm growing a soul patch... for the ladies. | |
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| Some help here? I have a penis phobia
Posted: 11/29/2006 11:59:10 PM | Oral sex is a very intimate thing. Allot of people feel it’s more intimate than sex.
It also involves allot of trust.
If you want to try it, do, but have a conversation about it tho.
It might make you feel uncomfortable if he put his hands on your head, because it can feel like a control thing.
You might actually feel more comfortable trying it if you make it into a situation where you have all control.
ie. light hand tying (his) and blind fold.
If it's just a general thing about having your face close to a penis, it might be more of a deep psychological thing, going back to a thought put into your head a long time ago, and perhaps don't really recall at a superficial level.
When it comes down to it, if you want to try it with ur man, work towards it.
If you don't want to do it ever, then don't. If he's a good guy, he'll get over it, it's not the be-all and end-all. | |
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| Some help here? I have a penis phobia
Posted: 11/30/2006 1:11:09 AM | OK...First I'm going to say something negative and then I'm going to follow it up with a positive so KEEP READING! I'm going to disagree with a lot of people who have posted saying don't do it if you don't want to or it shouldn't matter if he loves you. If you have a phobia of guys dumping you because you "won't", that's a pretty well founded phobia. I'm just going to say it how it is and if it hurts...I'm sorry...it's NOT meant that way...I promise! I think MOST guys would have a problem with it...and I know from experience that I won't stick around very long myself and I'm a pretty nice guy. You're eliminating a BIG portion of guys who just might be perfect for you in every other aspect of your life.
Now don't get me wrong...there's plenty of guys out there who will accept it. They might even tell you that it's ok that you don't, but trust me...that doesn't mean that they like it and that doesn't mean that deep down it not a BIG issue for them. Some guys are just willing to accept it because it's not THE most important thing in a relationship. Will it make someone fall in love with you? Probably not...BUT if you're NOT doing it, it shows that you're not willing to do even the most basic of things for him and it can be a root cause for him NOT wanting to take things further in a relationship.
I can't speak for all guys...but I think I have a pretty good idea of what most guys want in bed and if you're not satisfying one of the most basic sexual requirements that guys have...you're giving him an excuse to go elsewhere when other aspects of your relationship start to go South. Ok...enough of the bad stuff? Let me get to the good stuff.
I don't know what's in your head or why it's such a phobia for you. Maybe it's the way you grew up or was told it was dirty or maybe had a bad experience or two. BUT...like anything that you want to change about yourself...you have to break the paradigm you're in. Put yourself OUTSIDE everything you have been taught or learned about sex and look at it from a completely different angle.
Here's a few ideas that might help:
1. If you think it's degrading or controlling - Think about who REALLY has control. It's YOU! Most guys are pretty attached to their little friend and are putting their complete TRUST in you to NOT hurt them. Trust me...when you have a guy by the balls...his heart and mind will follow!
2. If you think it's dirty - A simple kiss is FAR dirtier. There's only a handful of diseases that can be contracting through oral sex....the MAJORITY of all communicable diseases can be transmitted by the simple exchange of saliva...and let's not even get into the amount of bacteria found in the human mouth vs. the virtually sterile other!
3. Step back and think for a minute about what might have caused your hang-up in the first place. Were you taught that it was wrong growing up? If so, do you truly believe that it's wrong? If you DON'T believe it's wrong...what's stopping you? Get to the root of your hang-up and counter those fears with the positive aspects of it. Such as...
4. Guys love it and will return just about any favor for it in exchange!
5. Guys LOVE it and will do just about anything for you!
6. GUYS LOVE IT!!! and it will make your world a more wonderful place!
There...hope that helps a little. Sorry if I was too blunt...but it was once a MAJOR issue for me and I just accepted it for years...I'm MUCH happier now. | |
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| Some help here? I have a penis phobia
Posted: 11/30/2006 1:36:19 AM | | One other thing I should mention...don't just do it because HE likes it...do it because YOU like it. Learn to love it and it will love you back! | |
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| Some help here? I have a penis phobia
Posted: 11/30/2006 3:59:10 AM | A healthier alternative is to eat more bananas, it might sound silly, but the added potassium will improve your health while the shape of it might get you going (excuse the pun) in the right direction. I think it's better than using a dildo, it's cheaper and a plus if you're a vegetarian. Are you a vegetarian? Sorry, now I'm fantasizing.
Bananas are a bit hard (not really, so to speak) to work with, but once you are ready to move on, it will drive your partner crazy if you tease him with them. It might be a fun little signal to let him know you want to try. And, I agree honey makes it a whole lot more pleasurable. I have had quite a few partners in your situation. For them it was all about trust, for some the power trip made for more interesting sex, and eventually help paved the way for trying alot of more fun things. Another way to go at it that I have found helpful for my partner, especially if you're a Scorpio, is to forget about that altogether for the time being, and just tie your partner down and securely but carefully, use neckties and tie them tight, it won't hurt him. Tie him down really good and use ice cubes on his body while he is blindfolded. It will drive him crazy, literally, and start teaching you about control and a bunch of other things. When you start liking that then add whipped cream and other tasty things, and slowly work your way up to a hand job or blow. And, don't worry about technique. Get him to let you watch when he wacks off, you will learn what rhythm he uses, for example, how he starts out, get to know when to pick up the pace and then learn the tease at the end when he is really ready to blow a gasket.
good luck and have fun with it, it may take a long time to get comfortable with it, but make it a fun journey, you'll really expand your sex experience, knowledge and enjoyment in the process.
time for my cold shower now.
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| Some help here? I have a penis phobia
Posted: 11/30/2006 4:15:48 AM | OP you are very young - you have plenty of time - one day you will simply be ready and go for it!! The time will be especially right when you adore and desire your partner - you will simply want to please him and it will happen for you!! Yes indeed relax!!  | |
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