| Love II
Posted: 12/2/2006 7:54:31 AM | Is there a corrolation between growing up in a loving family (unconditional love between husband and wife) VS growing up in a gowing up in a not loving family ?
May sound very simple and may have vey simple answer, children of loving family tend to stay in a relationship much longer or for life and try to work out the differences
More that children of a Not so called loving !!
Childern of divorce tend to follow the same pattern more often than non-divorce?
Or does it have to do with how each person recieved the the love and attention from the parents ?
Case and point, family of six , parents had wonderful realtionship, very rich, very loving ,gave all they could , five out of six children divorced , two remarried , three are still divorced.( My cousins ) | |
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| Love II
Posted: 12/2/2006 8:03:46 AM | | I'm not sure we follow the pattern of our parents at all. My parents were married for 40 happy years before my dad passed away. I've been married 3 times, my second sister has been married twice, now divorced, youngest sister married once, now divorced, brother married twice and now divorced. Of course, we were all very young the first time we married. Although I'm noticing a trend with my kids and my nieces and nephews. They're all in their early 20's and show NO signs of making a trip down the aisle unless and until the right one comes along. Perhaps this generation is learning from the mistakes of our generation. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 12/2/2006 8:08:54 AM | I don't think the upbringing in a loving family has a lot to do with it. This society is so different than when we were growing up. Years ago, people stayed together whether they were happy or not, thus less divorce.
My ex's parents had a loving relationship and were married 56 years, although I believe they were not so good as parents. Sometimes people can be loving to each other, but not the children. Both their children divorced and remarried after a long marriage.
I sometimes think it has nothing to do with the upbringing. Sure it helps to be in a loving family, but once we become adults, we make our own choices and some of them aren't so good. We make mistakes, learn from them and move on. It is easier these days to move on than it was years ago. In a way, I think it is a good thing, but then again some don't try hard enough on making a marriage work.
My father was an alcoholic and abusive and all I saw was my mom and dad fighting all the time. As far back as I can remember, I wanted exactly the opposite of that, and it did affect me, but just the opposite, as I wouldn't speak up for myself because I hated fighting. Now I am at the point where I won't be a doormat, nor will I argue or fight over issues. I can discuss things, and if I don't like what is happening, I will move on. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 12/2/2006 8:16:10 AM | In my personal life, I can't see the pattern that you are talking about OP. I can't remember a day when my parents actually like each other. They stayed together till I was 15, for the good of the child. I can remember how glad I was when they separated as I had seen just about as much as I wanted to see of an unhappy marriage. Maybe my parents bad marriage help me, because I picked a man to marry who I not only loved but liked in every way. My late husband and I had only about 3 arguements in the 12 years we were together. Certainly we were very accepting of one another, but the root the happiness of the marriage was the fact that we were best friends in every way.
My best friends parents were very loving people, and were married for decades before his death. There are six children from that marriage. I never married, 3 divorced, and 2 that are unhappily married but stay together for the children. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 9/28/2008 12:05:17 PM | | I think what happens in marriage today has more to do with societal changes than the type of families we grew up in. My parents were married for nearly 50 years before my father died. None of their children sustained long term marriages. Some children of divorce work harder at making a good marriage because they don't want to go through what their parents went through and they don't want to put their kids through it. So, I don't think children of divorce or long term marriages necessarily follow the same patterns as their parents. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 9/28/2008 12:10:38 PM | I think it is funny that as a society we havent realize the effect what we do with Marriages has had on children. I was shocked when the *kids told me that one myspace if you put married to someone you just met it just means you LIKE them but when you LOVE them you change your status to IN A RELATIONSHIP...that just blew me away.
We have devalued marriage so much by all the divorces and remarriages that kids no longer see it as a good way to define a great relationship. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 9/28/2008 12:19:21 PM | I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional family.
My sister came out in complete denial of this fact, and has a very happy marriage for years. She had some issues, but outgrew them.
I was painfully aware of the constant nagging, yelling and other problems. I came out with issues of my own. I have worked hard all my life to overcome what can't be undone for me. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/4/2008 11:08:29 PM | Is there a corrolation between growing up in a loving family (unconditional love between husband and wife) VS growing up in a gowing up in a not loving family ?
....children of loving family tend to stay in a relationship much longer or for life and try to work out the differences ....More that children of a Not so called loving !!
Childern of divorce tend to follow the same pattern more often than non-divorce?
Or does it have to do with how each person recieved the the love and attention from the parents ?
Case and point, family of six , parents had wonderful realtionship, very rich, very loving ,gave all they could , five out of six children divorced , two remarried , three are still divorced.( My cousins )
Based on your 'case in point,' whether or not parents have a wonderful relationship and stay together no longer seems to guarantee that their children will have successful marriages: my own immediate family illustrates this point as well.
There are many variables as to why someone will have a successful marriage. We tend to look for the simple solution and the quick fix, and for generations it was that divorce screwed up the kids and led to them also having poor relationships and that was the cause of the disintegration of the nuclear family. I believe that society goes through a continuous evolutionary process. Things do not remain stagnant on any front. Divorce, a new definition of the nuclear and extended family, etc., all part and parcel of a changing society, a society that must and will change.
It is the individual who is the main consideration in whether or not he or she will make a good marriage partner. What one does with and how one responds to the various events and situations of life is what makes them who they are, the person will be in any situation. You can't just point to a child of divorce or one of a long term marriage and diagnose what kind of partner they will be. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/5/2008 5:22:38 AM | Everyone has made some good points.
I came from a dysfunctional family as well. It was about five years ago that i came across some very good advice which i passed on to my children and they use it now and they say it works. I think a lot of relationships/friendships could have survived less fighting and divorce and separation if this advice was used"pick your fights , ask yourself is it going to matter in 10 years if not let it go" If it is then deal with the issues one way or another.
Too Many of our kid are out there are on the streets turning to substances to avoid deal with their issues .Running away seems to be how they deal. They haven't learn 't the skills they need as adults there fore repeating mistakes . Overall a hit and miss situation | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/5/2008 11:36:53 AM | playing the numbers yes there is a correlation between growing up in a non loving environment and how you treat your future partners. there is a correlation between children of divorce and divorce as adults, all those things are possible. (probable) based on stats alone. however stats are not always accurate and numbers can be used to manipulate folks pretty easily. for example i can prove that there is a statistical correlation between higher test scores and height. (anyone who wants to know how e mail me and ill tell you) but you have to be careful with numbers like that because there are always exceptions. some folks who come from non loving homes become some of the best parents and partners, making up for what they never had by showering it on others. some just dont know how to handle positive emotins and have to be taught and a fair number just buy into it and consider their way normal and right and everything else wrong. you gotta get to know the person before you can tell which group , if any, ther person is in | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/5/2008 11:54:28 AM | You are who you are from a variety of life experiences. That said, it isnt just how our family lives were as kids...its what WE choose to do with OUR LIVES once we leave home. Some have had truly horrible marriages and are suffering scars forever from it. Some have just had bad luck with previous marriages/relationships and are not yet so disgusted with everyone ELSE in the world, that they live in a cave now, only peeking out long enough for a job or to do the grocery shopping. I believe how we were raised has some influence on how we live as independent adults though, if nothing else than to make us live the exact OPPOSITE way.
I like to believe that I am still optimistic enough to want another marriage, and smart enough this time to know to be a bit pickier in my choice of a mate.
Happiness comes from one's self first and then can be shared...it isnt something you actively seek out in others. Well, thats my two cents anyway. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/5/2008 8:26:36 PM | Speaking from my own experience only, my parents have been married for 60+ years, never separated once. Myself, not so lucky...have made the crossing 4x and still no success. So, I can't blame my parents successful relationship for my own lack of success with matrimony.
I understand what you are saying though OP - but, I don't think it's that cut and dried. It takes two working 100% of the time to make a marriage work or any relationship work for that matter. That and keeping the lines of communication open throughout the marriage/relationship.
I'm not a big fan of blaming our childhoods for our failures - we're adults now. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/5/2008 9:14:27 PM | If everyone followed the example of their parents, or the elders anyway, the divorce rates would be the same as they were 40 years ago. Obviously there is no correlation.
Times are a-changing... like Bob Dylan said.
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 4:37:56 AM | Well there's the nature vs. nurture argument. I believe that it depends on our nature and of course what is happening in our generation. From the fora I have learned that people more or less have had upbringings that are similar to my own. I was married but am not married now. I am not in any semblance of a relationship that one would consider to be "traditonal," but I have constantly received love and have given love.
When my parents divorced I was eleven and no other families around us where "divorced" and that was a big deal. I was somewhat stigmatized by it, but at the same time peace in the home began, somewhat. My mother was left without a penny, no career and with five children...so it wasn't a pretty picture.
My two children have experienced a "healthy" divorce. They are close to both of their parents who live in the same town for their sake. They are both the brightest in their classes and have strong, solid careers ahead of them, plus the love and support of an extended family and many friends. So, I am very happy to see this result. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 7:16:13 AM | Although over the last couple of generations family law attorneys have been raking in the bucks thankfully the popularity of divorce seems to be stabilizing or even subsiding somewhat.
Back in the day, the children of divorced parents were more likely to get divorced themselves than children of parents who remained married. There may be a marital instability gene or three at work, I do not know. Nature and nurture (or the lack thereof) probably both played a part. Since divorces have become so easy to obtain and socially acceptable or even supported, this may or may not still be the case.
As for me I look at a woman's family background, family dynamic with her siblings, children and parents when possible. The apple does, after all, not fall far from the tree. I might be past the stage where I can look at the mother of a 21 year old to see how she will look at 45, but I now have a huge body of comprehensive factors I am able to consider when qualifying a potential mate. Is she financially stable? Has she had mental health problems? If she requires psych meds to function I can not get away fast enough!
I also consider and heavily weight a woman's personal history and lifestyle before I get too involved. How many times has she been married? Once is acceptable. If more than once, I may want to get more details before making a decison or I may walk away or even run. If she never married, why not?
It is a jungle out there. One can not be too careful when selecting a mate. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 7:56:49 AM | | Care takers are very important""" role models""" but Society is the deal breaker """It is now a throw away society and """" Too Much Freedom can destory a Society""""" | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 8:17:33 AM | | I don't think it matters one way or another. My parents divorced when I was very young. My older brother and I have 6 marriages (and divorces) between us. My mother remarried and has been happily married for over 50 years. Their son (my half brother) has been married twice. I would say it depends on the person, not the parents. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 9:03:31 AM | | Correlation does not imply causation. Sure our background impacts us, but we all have different levels of resilience and we make our own individual decisions and live in a larger environment than just our nuclear family. So, while we can deduce family history influences us, on an individual level we can and often do escape our immeduate environmental influences. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 9:34:34 AM | “All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
We may not follow our parents' footsteps in marriage but we do pickup behaviors and whatnot that follow us forever. The one thing that has changed is what society tells us. In the past, marriage was not about being happy. If you were happy, great; but you didn't walk away because you weren't. Today, people bail if they decide they aren't happy and things aren't getting better. Luckly our kids are learning from our mistakes and skipping the whole marriage thing altogether. Better to just co-habit and form explicit agreements on property and child rearing instead of letting the courts do it for you. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 10:18:21 AM |
It is a jungle out there. One can not be too careful when selecting a mate. Yes indeedy, always carry a set of weights and measures around with you. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 3:37:29 PM |
"" Too Much Freedom can destory a Society""
Is there such a thing as "Too Much Freedom" ?
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:16:35 PM | | .....just another word for nothing left to lose. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 5:42:50 PM | Well I'm a counsellor and I can tell you that the answer just isn''t that simple. Yes the family of origin has a huge impact on the child's self-esteem, comfort with expressing affection, emotion, needs, but the messages the child takes from what he/she sees in the family is also as important. You said the case in point was a rich family that "gave all they could"... it depends on what they gave and to whom... With 6 kids what they need is attention, responsibility, boundaries, etc... to teach responsibility and that "stick-to-it- ness" that is required to weather difficult times. The answer is never simple but yes the family has a huge impact on how people relate to others in groups, and in intimate relationships. Love maps are set by the age of 7... so what happens that connects in the child's mind with love and how it is and how it is shown tends to imprint rather early... the rest just elaborates on the how.
The other answer is spiritual. Supposedly we meet and choose the people we need to in order to work through our own spiritual limitations and issues. So with someone with blocked emotions (form of energy) they will tend to be attracted to their opposites which, if they never shift from the pressure of not dealing with their own emotions in the face of a highly emotional person, will eventually press the situation towards rupture. So its down to changing ourselves in the direction we need to develop, or leave and do it all over again. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:26:39 PM | No.  No. No. No.
My parents married 55 + years. I can not stay interested in a man for very long ... get bored out of my gourd. | |
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| Love II
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:30:36 PM | my parents were married 30 years. in other words, they didn't get a divorce until i was long gone. meanwhile, my marriage only lasted 5 years. eh. good riddance and AMF.
meanwhile, my ex in-laws are still married the last time i looked, but their 6 kids are all manifesting nothing but failed marriages and LTRs. | |
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