| The 5th Stage ... and beyond
Posted: 12/8/2006 2:07:47 PM | The 5th Stage
I got dumped (right out of the blue) on Mother’s Day ‘03. I had been married 17 years - I loved her. I went right into stage 1 - denial.
Within a few weeks I had found the 5 stages (of a severe loss) on the net. Right after I read them I pretty much forgot about it.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Blame
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
At some point a few months back I passed into the 5th stage and did not even realize it until 15 minutes ago. I had passed into the acceptance stage and ..... within a week had moved pass acceptance to ........... ACTION.
I’ve worked from a home office for about 18 years - no one to actually talk to. My best buddy - my mom had died in Feb‘05.
With no one to talk to and doing a lousy job of consulting with myself - I acquired lots and lots of self help files.
I’ve been working and listing to Brian Tracy today - The Science of Self Confidence. It hit a point where he started talking about the 5 stages of a loss.
I’ve lived with the first four stages in my guts for over three years - but ...... when he started talking about the fifth stage my entire body started to shake with joy - it was only then I realized I had passed beyond the fifth stage - I’ve been in the Action stage for about two months now.
Everything he was saying was ringing true ... it was ME he was talking about - oh man - what a feeling.
Here is what he was talking about.
When you enter into the 5th stage - the lights begin to come back on. You accept full responsibility for what has happened - or at the very least you accept responsibility for your responses. You begin to exert a bit of self control - self mastery (when I stopped picking up the phone when she called - I told myself - cutting off contact with her is in ***MY*** control). You accept the disappointment as a fact and realize there is no use in crying over spilled milk. You say to yourself - “what can not be cured must be endured”.
Then ......... you move past (past acceptance) into the final final stage - the stage of ACTION.
You consciously choose the future over the past. You become solution orientated over problem orientated. This was exactly what I did and did not even realize it. I killed the contact (accepted it) and went to work on myself (took action).
I did not realize it then - but the faster you can move yourself through the stages the faster you can get on with your life.
I was in denial for about nine months - the anger and denial coexisted for several months - the blame stage (it is her fault) came and went - the depression stage was the hardest one to shake off. In my case it was worse due to being a recluse (by accident) and not really liking the casual dating stuff.
Did you go thru stages?
What stage are you in?
Did you recognize the stages as you passed thru them? (I did not)
What are you going to do about what ever stage you are in.
When I first read about (and forgot about) the stages it said it takes 1 year for each 4 years you were with the person. I told myself “BS - total BS there is no way it will take me over four years to get over this” - it took 3.5 years lol.
Do you think it takes 1 year for each 4 years?
Yack it up - this is good stuff. It is good to realize that no matter the type of loss (it could be a big customer in your business even) a death a dump any sever loss. The stages are pretty much identical. It is not me saying that it is the people that have studied it.
I’ve been feeling darn good about myself for the past few months but ...... hearing the reason why - oh man what a feeling. | |
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| The 5th Stage ... and beyond
Posted: 12/8/2006 2:12:16 PM | Great post, Ron. This is why I harp so much on letting the past go. You can't change it and to "live" in past regrets is to suffer needlessly. What is done is done!
The only thing you are in control of is YOU and your PRESENT. And we can never predict the future.
So the quickest way to healing is to learn from the past, accept it for what it is and start living in the present.
Excellent, excellent info, Ron.
(PS: Sorry about your mom. Mine passed away a year ago this November) | |
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| The 5th Stage ... and beyond
Posted: 12/8/2006 3:35:48 PM | Firstly, Ron and Jariban, I'm sorry to hear about your respective losses.
Ron I suppose I'm in acceptance, although not from a long term relationship but a legacy of far more rejection then any one person should ever have to endure. I don't want pity - overall I like my life (see my post Happiness - The Rules). But can a person go through these stages when there has been no significant love, where in thier darkest (and most irrational) moments they believe they have simply been left out of love?
I know it's down to patience, confidence and positive attitude but I have been waiting and trying (with dignity and for the last few years plenty of self respect) to find love my whole life and often I feel wearied by the wait.
By the way, brilliant post, poetically executed, Ron. Hope to see more posts from you. | |
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| The 5th Stage ... and beyond
Posted: 12/8/2006 3:36:25 PM | Yeah, that seems about right, I am 14 months past a 3.5 year marriage, and I am somewhere around stage 4.5 to 5.1... I was at stage 5 but I got hit with a dream and it rocked my frame afew days... but overall... I have noticed the 2nd time around, you get over chix alot quicker the 2nd time and especially if you didnt invest as much time with them. I am hoping this completes my dependance on "real hate shun ships".. my current moto is:
"A relationship is not a goal, it is a result"
took me 40 years to get this basic concept
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| The 5th Stage ... and beyond
Posted: 12/8/2006 3:51:35 PM | Hi Ron, Good post...One question? Are you sure that you are over your ex? You broke up 13 years ago and your just accepting that now? I was married for 17 years as well. You live far away, but, if you would like to chat anytime I'm here:) preetypatty | |
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| The 5th Stage ... and beyond
Posted: 12/8/2006 8:46:37 PM | Glad you were able to over come your loss. In answer to your question of "how long does it take" well that depends on the person. Everyone is different and we deal with things differently. Some people pass these stages in a matter of months and others it takes years. Nothing wrong with it just as long as we keep passing through and don't get stuck in one stage for like years.
I have also read where number 3 can also be bargining. For example you could ask god "if I take better care of my wife and she comes home I promise never to go to the bar again". I think blame happens right along with this bargaining as well.
Good post very insightful! | |
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| The 5th Stage ... and beyond
Posted: 12/28/2006 9:03:09 AM | yep, could be applied to 'any' perceived crisis.......i had a situation about 2-3wks ago with my daughter.....she and her friend took it upon themselves to move our livingroom around.....well, it was a nice gesture, however, not practical.....i couldn't see the tv while busy in the kitchen (where i spend much time)....couldn't comfortably see out the livingroom window while eating in the dinningroom (flowers in the spring and summer)....after several days of trying out this new arrangement, i decided it wasn't working......i kindly told her that i knew her and her friend put much effort into this with the best of intentions, however, giving her my specific reasons why it wasn't working.....and let her know that the next time her friend came over, she was to get him to help her put things back in their original places......
several days went by....i happened to glance at my china hutch and noticed several things out of place.....taking a closer look, i noticed not only were things out of place, many pieces were missing......taking an even closer look by moving things that were there, pieces were falling off!.......first it was "no way-unbelievable"......then i freaked, yes i was angry to say the least.....then i demanded to know what happened assuming it was her and her friend's fault, stating "no more friends over when i'm not home"...she left the house crying at this point........then i cried over the loss.....probably $4000 in damage between collectibles worth 100 a piece, the hutch itself was damaged and the sentimental pieces.........while in bed now, worrying about where she was, i thought to myself.."put this in perspective....it's only china...things".....yes, i managed to realize that my daughter's life was far more valuable than silly things we collect that for the most part could be replaced...
well, as soon as i put it in God's hands, she returned home and i was in a much better frame of mind to discuss what happened......turns out she tried to move the livingroom/dinningroom back on her own and over the hutch went.....
several days later she brought out a box of broken china.......we will try gluing some....(a summer project)......now most of the pieces were given to the girls by me as gifts.... funny, now that they're older i've been thinking of when i would actually allow the pieces to leave the house.....i like them so much that it would be very difficult for me to part with......well, now, not so much.....God has helped me along this little journey and i figure if i liked them so much i'll start my own collection..... | |
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| The 5th Stage ... and beyond
Posted: 12/28/2006 9:30:14 AM | Good for you Ron....I have heard of the stages before and have went thru them when my ex and I broke up....I think it rings true.
Keep up the positive | |
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| The 5th Stage ... and beyond
Posted: 1/14/2007 5:07:09 AM | some people are capable
of acceptance and skipping anger,blame etc.
i've seen more of them repressing anger and feeling
they dont have any; the subconscious can be
a dangerous and deceptive place,
we all need to guard against it | |
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| The 5th Stage ... and beyond
Posted: 1/14/2007 1:41:23 PM | I agree with you soul65 because the subconscious can hide many things and may come out in some other form than be destructive. Some of it takes on the form of bitterness towards the ex. I'm trying to deal with that and not having a lot of success. She got most of my stuff. She never had to deal with trying to find a new apartment(s), having to buy new or old furniture etc., and all that it with it. She never had to deal with any discomfort after I moved out. The only thing she didn't get was the family car, but then I was making the payments anyway.
I'm trying to guard agains all the negativity that goes with it. Some success but still having a whole lot of work to do. It may come to the point that it will never heal until I'm 6 ft under.
Cheers | |
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