| HELP!!!
Posted: 5/3/2004 2:43:32 AM | I have this husband,...and everything is wonderful,...except for his cheating past with other women( not on me, but other girls he has dated) And i can't get it out of my head that the other shoe may drop with me as well. I need confirmation. I need the rest. I need help with this!!!
But he also has this "friend" who is like a sister to him. Who has been a "sex buddy" for years, before me! I can not trap them,...but if another woman were to come along and tickle his fancy ,...someone workign on my side then I would know how true he was.
I know he has the "cheat bug" in him,...but i need to find out if he would. I figure a good way to do this is find someone out there who could email him and just start talking to him that way,..get his interest for abotu 5 or more days,..see what his feed back is then I can see what he is really up to. Or if he would cheat if he had the option.
he claims I am the woman of his dreams and I am all he has ever wanted,..and now that he has found me all his "boyish fart-ups" are out the door!
Would anyone be willing to work with me on this!!!????
Let me know please! | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/3/2004 5:40:08 AM | | What you're talking about is entrapment. You're creating an artificial situation that may give him that "push" toward cheating. However, by the same token, you are obviously unable to trust him. What I would like to know is: why did you marry him if you feel he can't be trusted - that he has this "cheat bug" in him, as you put it? This must have ocurred to you before you tied the knot. Perhaps you felt that marriage would change him? Rarely does that ever happen. I think counselling is required here. You need to deal with this so that you and your husband can get past this. You will never be able to trust him, regardless of whether you have proof he's cheating or not, if you don't confront him with your fears. What is a marriage unless there's complete trust between a couple? | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/3/2004 12:05:11 PM | well.. where do i start?
i have been married, divorced, cheated on etc...
the bottom line is this: there are boundries that need to be respected when one gets married. i am sorry, but as a woman, i would want a mate that never puts another woman before me. and as the old saying goes..."men and women can't really be friends.." well, there is alot to be said for that...
married men should not be having "friend" sleepovers with other women...even if they are just "friends"...
also, if this woman is an ex-lover, i think it is completely inconsiderate that he would maintain a very close friendship with her. there is such a thing as "emotional infidelity." his intimacy should be reserved for you, and not shared with someone of the oppopsite sex, let alone an ex-lover.
follow your gut...do not deny your intuition. if your instincts tell you something is wrong, then something is wrong...that may not mean that they have actually done anything in the physical realm...yet...but it could be that you are picking up on a sexual tension or emotional intimacy that is inappropriate for a typical friendship...especially for a married man.
"third parties" as i like to call them, can seriously interfere with your marriage...i know... i have been there... if she is HIS friend, and not yours, and he asks her for "advice" regarding his marriage with you, then she may cause alot of problems, especially if she has an agenda.
this isn't about being jelous, or being controling...it is about having the proper respect for someone that you have made a commitment too, and they shoudl have the same respect for you. someone who cheats does so when the initial spark goes out of the relationship, or when problems arise...instead of trying to tackle them, they avoid the issue and roam from relationship to relationship...it is a sign of serious imaturity...
one question, have you been fighting lately? or has he become hyper-critical? or has he started snapping at you over the littlest things, or for no apparent reason? if so, these are defintely signs that something is going on...
your husband may have some problems with sexual addiction or sexually compulsive behavior..if that is the case, you may want to check out some great web resources on the topic...one i can think of off of the top of my head is sexhelp.com, or check out sex addicts anonymous...
personally, i'd tell this "friend" to hit the road...
my two cents...and from my experience...
lar | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/3/2004 1:39:27 PM | 'Bout three weeks ago I ended a year long relationship with a beautiful blond lady who was about 11 years older than myself.
I tell you, she was the BOMB. Beautiful, smokin' in the sack...schoolboy's dream in my eyes.
Had a right nice disposition at first, too. Yea, I tell you I was PLEASED.
Only problem was, she was 42.
Now, I got no complaints about bein' with a 42 year old woman, mind you...it's just that She had a real problem with BEING 42. I guess she'd wake up in the mornin' and see those little crows feet poppin' up on her pretty green eyes or just take to starein' at the stretch marks gettin' a little deeper around that navel I'd been nibblin' on the night before and somehow get it in her head she just wasn't attractive enough to keep a fellow like me around.
It really was kinda endearin' , at first.
Hell, I'd bring her roses an' set up a room downtown to get away from the kids an' all-
After a nice dinner and a moonlight drive, I'd take my time with my lady and let her know
just how much woman she was to me...
or so I thought.
At first she needed these little getaways every month or so.
Before long it seemed like we were outta the house every week. In six months she was insistin' I give up bartending 'cause "I don't like them women in those bars" -she says.
At that point, there's me, all lovestruck and foolish quittin' an $800+ per week job
to take on a move off into the rollin' hills of Ohio with a job at $350 weekly and sailin' on home to a sexy, happy woman ripe and waitin'...
or so I thought.
Before I know it nine months of my once happy optimistic little life has flown by an' I'm still
happy to have the sun rise and set with her but she takes it to her mind that somehow
"One of them whores you work with" is gonna up and steal me away.
When my car broke down I was actually afraid to ask any female co-workers at the office to
give me a lift for fear of what my lady might think.
I remember walkin' six miles to and from for a week straight.
February, no less.
Finally, she got to where she didn't want me workin' AT ALL.
"Self," says me: "This mightn't be so bad. Yea she's jealous, might be insanely so but she still
is beautiful, she still is dynomite on the satins (or the floor, in the shower, on the counter, backyard....you get the picture) and she's got more than enough money to go around so mebbe I might just take a month or two California Kingsize vacationin' it with my lady and see if I can't just get a bad case of rugburn!"
or so I thought.
Inside of two weeks I'd blown the majority of my savings on sparkly trinkets to make her smile, fancy dinners at the Pony, and more roses than she could fit on the dresser. I even installed one of those silly lookin' (but god bless the inventor) "love swing" thingys over the California King.
We were walkin' funny. I'm neither stud nor slouch now, but I tell you ma'am I needed some vitamin E and a bit of a break.
Then comes Tuesday of the last week I was with her. She takes off for West Virginia to see her oldest son. Stays a bit late, hates drivin' at night so decides to stay the night. Back Wednesday evening she comes about 8 or 8:30, and doesn't lay a hand on me. That's fine with me, I was a little sore anyway and wanted to get my sleepin' schedule back in order for the planned return to work. I figured we'd had a mother of a blowout for the past three weeks, there could be no doubt in her mind she was gold in my eyes (hell I even told her so four or five times a day...how often should a man profess his love, before you figgure it out?) .
Thursday mornin' her oldest boy shows up with his girl, the tribe's all gathered for steaks and everything seems nice. That night I go to lay my head on the pillow early and she asks me: "What for?"
I tell her: "I got to get back to work sometime, cause they'd been begging me back on the phone those weeks and though I do love the late hours we'd been keepin' together and can't think of heaven bein' anywhere but right there with her I had to work to keep my mind in order." I thought I'd lay it on her real smooth with a gentle caress and part her hair with a kiss and work it all out right nice...
OR SO I THOUGHT.
That set it off. Two days of yellin' and distrust and unfounded jealousy followed by ten or twelve hours of sideways glances and mean mumbles as I packed up to go.
She even had it in her head that I'd taken some girl from the office in lieu of much-needed
rest on the night she was gone.
Although I loved the woman, and care for her deeply still, I knew then almost as well as I know now I'd never get past the evil jealousy in her heart. She wasn't beyond enlisting aid from outside sources -as you are now, ma'am- to put her fears to rest. I always passed the test.
Somehow she never could let those fears lay. We had what I thought was a beautiful thing once that could only have gotten better. Someone, somewhere in her 42 years had made her bitter.
Don't let fear kill your romance. Either beat the distrust, or walk away. Either way, you won't end up tearing up a man who's (probably) head over heels for you, and you won't pass up the next good thing life brings you out of bitterness.
-my $0.02
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/3/2004 2:08:03 PM | wow dub that was amazing for a first post! but i can relate to the lady as well. When my ex and i were having problems..i was so suspicious that i would listen in on his phone caals throught the floor..grab his phone and look at all of the latest calls...call his bed friend to ask what was going on..and even considered having him followed by a pal of mine.
You see we were fighting and my ex was getting phone calls by women. ( i could hear it form the tone of his vioce) plus i would beg him not to go out with his buddies and hed just leave anyways...and not come home till dawn.I caught him one day with his wedding ring on a chain aroung his neck and almost wanted to rip it off and shove it down his thraot. It was the most painful hurtful thing i ever saw from him.
Im not gonna gointo detail about our life but its alli n single parents and here and there. He was a pathitic hubby a good daddy when he was around and couldnt hadle pressure. He lied to me so much at the end i knew in my heart that he didnt want to be with us anymore.
it was the lies and the phone calls that got to me. He would talk to whoever it was accrross the lawn and sit down at the curb for privacy. I knew it was a whore and that they were just FRIENDS... but i didnt give a shit...you dont do that to me!! you talk to ME AND NOT ANOTHER CHICK....i dont care if shes unhappy with her bf!! they would talk about us ect..i could hear them tlaking about me frorm the window.
So it all came crashing down when he satrted to hit me....that was it i had had it with him.
so now TODAY....i have a hellof a time trusting men becausei was lied to and hurt so much. I am protective..and jelous to a degree and trust has to be earned by me..and it takes quite a bit too. Its all the pain and crap that tok a long time to get over..i am almost but the ex is still doing it from a distance being a moron that is....grrrr after 3 years he still gets to me..and makes me so mad...
hes refusing to pay for my sons special needs preschooll the BASTARD!!!!! | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/3/2004 3:30:36 PM | | I dont know how anyone can stay with someone after they have cheated. i couldnt do it, mabey thats pride. i just dont know how someone could do that knowing it would hurt the other person if they found out. how can you purposely hurt someone that you love? | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/3/2004 4:07:15 PM | i dont know.....i told my hubby to look me in the eye and tell me he didnt cheat on me when times were bad. He didnt but sometimes cheating doesnt have to involve sex. It can mean phoneing at all hours and talking to some dumb chick.....going out for coffee with them....confiding in them....hugging or kissing them...( he told me this at least) i was furious.
He was 3 years ago..selfish..hateful....without care....no self control..no self confidence....no remorse no guilt....and no worries for my heart. Yes he loved me deeply but soemtimes i loved him like crazy but sfter a year of butting heads i was losing it and so was he...he was basiscally gone but not really gone.
BUt i have the feeling somewhere deepin my heart that he did cheat..he could never lie to me i could always tell..it was in his eyes...you may loveo ne another..but you jujst feel so helpless that it just happens.
i never did on him but oh yes i wanted too. I hated him so much and dint care any more....i had the oppotunity but i didnt take it because i beleived in marriage. | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/3/2004 9:08:33 PM | | Hello all, this is my first post here, just wanted to share my story about not trusting men real quick. I got married at a fairly young age, 22. I trusted my ex fully,, he was a DJ and that is how I met him. He would call me up after a show and tell me "hey honey, I'm going out w/ the guys, ok" and I would reply "ok dear, have fun and be careful" of course his friends were utterly amazed that I was so understanding. I didn't have any reason not to trust him, or in the words of our friend "so I thought". In may of 1999, one year and one month after our first child was born, and five months after I found out I was pregnant with our second child, the son of a bitch proceeds to tell me that he has been sleeping w/ men including my sister's husband. Then not to long after that he is arrested for molesting my sister's children, yes same sister. Talk about devistating, for the whole family. So here I am, I have a thirteen month old who worships his father and I'm five months pregnant. You want to talk about deep depression? Lets talk about deep depresson, I only gained eleven pounds my whole pregnancy, luckly, I gave birth to a healthy 8lb 14oz boy. How I don't know. I did not bond w/ him until he was two or three years of age, he is now four, and wonderful. My oldest still asks about the rat bastard who is his sperm donor and I tell him the truth, as much as you can tell a six year old. As for that SOB he was deported back to his country. ever since then I have tried to have serious relationships and I have been lied to, just for sex or for money, or just because, "that's not what their looking for" Well, I thiink God has finally smiled on me and said "yes now it's really your turn for true happiness" but I can't help but wonder if I'm going to get F*ed over again!! I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about it. Yeah , you can trust him just don't be stupid! If you think he's cheating he probably is!!! | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/4/2004 11:04:01 AM | | holy shit fairie.. that utterly horrible. I want to kill him myself for harming those kids. | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/4/2004 1:11:21 PM | | Well, the way I see it he WILL get what is coming to him, if he hasn't already! But you know something Alura, I have my babies, my family and my new love. That is all I need. Oh not to mention a few new good friends! So, the ex can get BENT!!! I have a whole new life now and I'm learning to trust again. One good thing if there was one to come out of all of this. I'm a criminal Justice major now and I keep close ties w/ the states attorneys office. | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 11 | |
| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/4/2004 1:22:15 PM | I HAVE TO COMMEND YOU ON THAT FAIRIE.
it takes a true winner and soemone with alot of guts to take control of thier life..move forward and not let something like this ruin thier life.
go to sinlge parents pst here thread that i created if you havent already..there are great stories in there.the real heroes. | |
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rjn40
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Joined: 2/15/2004
Msg: 13 | |
| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/8/2004 6:28:13 PM | | It's hard to just give up what you had in a past relationship, moving on is not easy. | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/8/2004 6:56:25 PM | Well, for me I just viewed it as a learning experience (after the depression and years of therapy) I realized that I never love the ass anyway. When I first met him I hated him. I still question why I even started to date him, THEN I got pregnant, yeah I know, that's no excuse for getting married, but it happens more often than not.
After finding out that your husband is a child molesting pervert and sleeps w/ other men it's pretty easy getting over your feelings for him! The feeling of trust is what is not easy to get over!
~Princess~ | |
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rjn40
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Joined: 2/15/2004
Msg: 15 | |
| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/8/2004 7:26:42 PM | | The never ending learning experience....... I guess I never had to go through the child molesting or cheeting thing, that jsut never came up with me and my ex, thing like that would never happen with me. But we did share a rather long relationship, about 15 years. I'm getting over it now, but dammit, it's still not easy......lol | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/8/2004 8:39:38 PM | | I can understand why it would be hard for you to get over such a long relationship. My ex and I weren't together nearly that long. If we had stayed together it would have been 7 years this august. We were actually together for only 2 years and 2 months and that includes dating. This bastard completely destroyed my family......Yes I hate him :) | |
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rjn40
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Joined: 2/15/2004
Msg: 17 | |
| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/8/2004 11:15:01 PM | | That is understandable and I hope you are able to get over it and go on with yoru life. No one said life will be easy, but it is your life, only you can make it what you want it to be. I send you my best in hopes your future will be able to continue even with those kind of scars. | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/9/2004 7:04:24 AM | | Thanks rjn, actually having a great support system of family and friends to go to has been a big help. I have my two beautiful boys that are my every breath. Now I have found my new love, everyday gets easier and easier. If life was going to be easy, what would be the point?....Just hang on and enjoy the ride, if you don't like it get off and watch! | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 19 | |
| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/10/2004 10:31:55 AM | | fairy.. im so glad that you have a good supprt system and that you seem to have changes your life and seem more positive kudos to you babe!!! | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/13/2004 9:18:03 AM | Well alura I have been on the verge of explosion lately, all because I have met the love of my life. (Read my post in "why do women bitch so much") I am so excited. I have never felt this euphoric in my life, well, with the exception of my children being born and all. Not that that's not important, but this man has made me feel totally and utterly amazing....... OK enough with the gushing.
Although I do have a great support system, I do have to give credit to myself (if you knew me, you would know how hard that is) I pulled myself out of depression, went back to school, and decided to get my life back on track. With that all being said, it's hard not being positive these days.
Fariei | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 21 | |
| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/13/2004 10:08:49 AM | i feel the same way.2 years ago..evrything that i had came crashing down. I had a home..a hubby money... security then its gone and I have to do it all on my own.
Now im scraping barely making it but I am...it will get better. Ill be debt free in 9 months or less then life will get better. Im not on assistance Im doing it all myself and I stoppped being a victim and turned out a winner.
Now I met a wonderful guy..who accepts me as I am....is nuts for me and I him..is sweet to my kids.ITs all i could ever ask for. I hope that we can last 6 months separation, that we'll be ok with it. WE have been seeing eachother for about 2 months almost. But if its what we want in the end we'll make it. | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/13/2004 11:32:41 PM | When all of that crap happened w/ my ex my family as eloquent as they are (not) gave me all types of cleche's such as....The sun doesn't shine on the same dogs ass everyday, OH things happen for a reason, and my personal fave......Just remember your always going to come out on top!!
Those last two are actually very eloquent and very true. I just finished my first semester in college and I have all A's!!!! (thank you, thank you very much) That was my Elvis impression! Everything is going so great for me right now, I'm just afriad that it's going to end.
Fariei | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 23 | |
| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/14/2004 10:47:33 AM | | fairy if you belive that you will succeed i nevrything you set your mind to..you will do it. never settle for less than you deserve. | |
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| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/15/2004 8:49:40 PM | Trying to decipher what I deserve and what I want are two different things.....(In my mind) For example, Do I want a wonderful guy like the one I have?......OH GOD YES!!! Do I deserve him? That's the BIG question in my mind. "What in this world did I do to desreve such a wonderful man" I'm really scared and he knows it. I would never settle for less than I desreve, but who's to say what I deserve?
LDE | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 25 | |
| Re: HELP!!!
Posted: 5/16/2004 4:58:02 PM | | i totally understand you fairy. Ihave met an awesome person form thias site as you all probaly know....hes everything I could ever ask for. Hes gone for a few months but he'll be back evry month. Hes only been gone a few days and I'm already gong nutty. But there are times wheni stop and think do I really deserve him>> why would he want me?? he can have so many other girls...and he wanrs me?? I look at all my faults and his lifestyle andm y kids of course. But I also realize that if he didnt care about me he would have been gone a long time ago. He wouldnt call...he wouldnt write...he wouldnt give me a death grip all night making love now owuld he?? | |
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