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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 1:03:49 AM | Im wondering on a few things
I am in calgary canada, and i was wondering about a few things
First off, i have tried to be respectful to my sons dad even tho he doesnt show it back, i guess you would say i bite my tongue and put on a smile for my sons sake. But he is not cooperating. He says he wants to be in my sons life, but when he comes back from working out of town he ignores him beyond belief. Im tired of asking him for money, for he knows i hate it, and he wont even write a cheque unless i tell him to, even tho we have talked about his responsibilities. Im at an end now, and i need to take him to court so that im not stressing at the end of the month and fighting with him about support. Theyre are a number of reasons for the actions im going to take, but too long to get into, so my question is this?
When i take him to court, how do i make sure that visitation is monitered, i mean i know he wouldnt kick my boys ass , well im hoping not, but he doesnt know anything about the little boy, nor does he care, i think he would do it to try to take him out of province too see his parents. He is not a good phone call awnserer, so another ??? would he have the right to take him out of province, or ignore my calls if he does get him????
It all boils down to the classic case of a father who isnt a father, a dad who doesnt know his son, btw hes 8 mos old. Its sad, i thought he would have more respect since altho i dont agree with his life choices, i still try to respect him. But i want to know my rights and i want to know his rights as an inactive father. Please fill me in if you can
Thanks for reading the painfully long note !!! 
PS - and to the true dads who love thier kids kudos to u , and to those who love thier kids but cant see them because of a bitchy other half, FIGHT FOR THE RIGHT guys to see ur kids, it pays off | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 1:12:55 AM | | Hi...contact your local family law clinic(ask the legal aid office for the #)...they'll give you advice for free...and court is the only way to go if he's ignoring you otherwise...you can probably get legal aid...and if he doesn't wanna visit..he can choose not to..but support is considered totally different issue..You can also just ask the judge for a non removal order too..which restricts him from going out of province... unless theres been violence or an issue with drinking or drugs...then supervised visitation is most likely a no go...Good luck! | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 3:15:25 AM | Well, I am thinking your son is only 8 months old - so there is still plenty of time for his dad to build a relationship with him. I commend you for keeping it as pleasant as possible.
Child Support and Child Custody are two seperate matters entirely.
With Child Custody - Most judges will give mom full custody of babies, and offer supervised visitation until such time as a relationship has been built between the two - especially when there was no marriage. As the boy gets older, visitation will increase to unsupervised, overnights, then probaby every other weekend type of thing, depends on your circumstances.
With Child Support - Yes, get an agreement in writing, through the maintenance department -from what you are saying, he is not willing to pay without a fight, so this way it will save you a lot of grief and fighting and take that stressor off both of you. | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 3:27:26 AM | ^^^^Seee THANK YOU thats what i needed to know, hes so young i just didnt want him to go to his dads unless he knew more of him. He needs to show he wants to be responsible and thats what i care about
As for the child support like i said he pays but not unless i ask him, which i shouldnt have to, so id like to go thru the courts for that just so that i dont have to ask
But one more ??? Is he allowed to take him out of province
cuz that i dont want | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 6:32:09 AM | Well.. it can happen tho Sweet... and in fact it does happen... but that's a whole other thing to worry about.
Once you have established custody, you can set the visitation, and part of what you can request is supervised visits considering the age of the child and your concerns for the ex's drinking habits. I would specify a third party to supervise since that way you don't have to be the big meanie if things aren't going well. If you trust his mom/sister (whatever) you can specify they do the supervising that way his family gets involved with his child. Otherwise do you have anyone (friend, family member) who can be impartial and treat him with respect, but keep the child's interest first and foremost?
Good luck... | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 7:06:42 AM | ok Op,
I know eactly where you are coming from as I am going through the exact same thing with my ex like the other ladies have said, support and cusod ae 2 totaly diffrent things.
As for custody, most juges try to grant jont custody unless you are unable to get a hold of him and I mean you have to try eveything then they will grant sole custody, (this is coming from my lawyer). As for access to the child, due to his age no judge is going to grant over night's until he is aroun age 5 unless the father REALLY REALLY fight's then they will alow it at age 3. Like my lawyer said to me, a judge will not take a young child away from their sole care provider for that period of time. He will more then likely get a few hour's a week to come and see your son if anything.
As for leaving the provience, no both of you cant leave the provience once it is in court without an order from a judge. Most times like my lawyer told me if you are granted sole custody then the judge will not stop you from leaving provience. I mean if you are going for a visit then you are aloud but you still have to let eachother know. And you have to have a date on when you are going to be back with the child because if you are not back at that time then it is considered kidnapping ( this I dont understand as it is how can you kidnap your own child) But hey that's the law for ya right.
Now as for your's and his right's you have equal right's here in canada, I know it sucks. My ex has spentmaybe a totaly of 2 1/2 3 months total with our daughter since she was born and she is now 15 months and he has the exact same amount of right's as I do. But and I mean BUT if you have things to back up your story about drinking or drugs or anything wrong then show it to a lawyer as that can go against him in court.
My advice to you is to get it into court, and until something is orderd DO NOT LET HIM take your son out of your sight's as one you son is in his care even though you are the mother because nothing is on paper he does not have to return him until court is done. SO PLEASE if I stress anything DO NOT LET YOUR SON OUT OF YOUR SIGHT"S well he is with your ex.
Feel free to message me any time as like I said I know exactly where you are coming from and I am right now going through the lawyers and court thing myself. | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 11:09:45 AM | See if i were to have a third party on my behalf no one would treat him like crap or garbage, but people just dont have the time to be the third party u know, i have friends with children and parents that are working hard to retire
My family is involved 110% while his is involved next to none. So picking someone from his side isnt that easy. They claim they love him but never call to see how he is, see how hes doing, ive contacted them while the father is out of town but they seem strange and dont initiate convo after my inital one. Im not rude to them whatsoever, i have respect for others no matter what the given situation, when it comes to my child
Is it so wrong to think that they should pick up the damn phone and call if they say they love them so much. Am i asking too much???? | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 11:35:04 AM | i went throught this almost 10 years ago.. and believe me the father and his family rarely ever calls... and i quit chasing anyone,.. my children know who is there and always will be there for them .. i know you think it is not asking too much to have them pick up the damm phone.. but the family is not thinking about your child.. they are thinking how they are going to hurt you.. someday my ex family will realize how much they missed out.. but really don't waste time worrying about what they are doing.. believe me . i did for a while.. and it hurt because my ex family was also my family at the time.. focus your energy on your child..
as for my court order.. i made sure there was an order that he did not drink for atleast 24 hours before seeing my children.. but remember that no one will monitor this.. and the RCMP have more important things to do than check up on your ex....
and write everything down.. .. and i mean everything.. this is the best evidence for a court case..
and try to live your life.. try to stop worrying about what he or his family is doing.. all your energy needs to be on raising your child and how you are going to make a better life ...
spend sometime think about what you want out of life.. and then go for it.. i went back to university with 3 small children.. it was not easy. and we lived on student loans.. but i made a better life for my children and myself.. in my case their father has never paid a dime in child support . oh yes i have an order.. but he quit his job.. i refused to live on welfare.. so i had to make a life for myself..
do take care.. | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/17/2006 7:40:57 PM | | I wouldn't bother with him or his family just go to the courts and tell them you need supervised visits and if paternity is established than they will get a support order. If he doesn't bother to see your son let it be, he doesn't want to be there and your son will feel it from him. You have to let the man grow up and if he don't then it is up to you to teach your son to be a man. I wouldn't stress about dad not seeing him so much as making sure he is safe when he does. I have found that kids understand things that most adults can't, and they are more foregiving too. | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/18/2006 2:15:16 PM | The law in Canada has changed and they no longer discuss 'custody' but rather 'guardianship'. By default you both have joint guardianship. It is possible to go for child support without addressing the issue of guardianship of your child. If you need to have it written in stone I would do A LOT of research and start a journal.
Here is a link you will need: http://www.albertacourts.ab.ca/familylaw/
Once the issue goes to the courts you will both be ordered to attend a 'parenting after separation' course.
Here is a quote from the alberta justice website:
"How will the courts establish parenting responsibilities under Alberta's Family Law Act?
Under this act, both guardians (usually parents) continue to have all the responsibilities and powers of guardianship after a separation until there is an agreement between the parents to the contrary, or a court order to the contrary.
If parents are able to agree on how to exercise the powers of guardianship after separation, they may continue to do so as they did before separation, without the need for a parenting order. However, if parents cannot agree on how to exercise guardianship after separation, either parent can apply for a parenting order.
The Family Law Act provides flexibility in developing a parenting order by breaking down parenting time and specific parenting responsibilities between the parents. The order can also include a dispute resolution process to deal with future disputes regarding parenting arrangements. A parenting order must be made in the best interests of the child."
You can always try legal aide, and phone around. There are A LOT of family lawyers who will give you a free 30 minute consultation, even over the phone. Get a list of questions you want answered or addressed and shop around until you find someone who's right for you.
Good Luck! | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/18/2006 3:00:11 PM | "No, once a child custody agreement is in place, neither of you can take the child out of province without permission from the other, in writing."
As one who has dealt with this issue I will have to disagree here. Relocation (IE MOVING) out of Province, either parent can fight that if he other has this in their plans, but to take a child out of the Province for a short time of visitation of direct family... unless theres a danger to the child, I dont see this being restricted and I dont think would be automaticly restricted either.
The other side is, enforcement of above... not easy to do... just as its easy for parents to cross international borders with children...
From my experience, without and order stating that they CANT leave the Province for any reason, as WELL as an enforcement order .. theres not much you can do... and unless you can prove it hrmful to the child... good luck.
As above posters have stated though, go see a lawyer or a court councilor and go from there.. dating forums will yield you much advice that wont be effective and could be detrimental in some cases. | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/18/2006 11:13:56 PM | Make sure you have the Enforcement Order! It is easy to get the non mobility clause ( to prevent movement out of the province with out written consent)in any custody order, however, it is a a civil matter ( which is what a custody agreement is) the RCMP or City police force are very reluctant to get involved and in fact unable to enforce it unless the Enforcement Order is included ! It is standard form in custody orders, however, you specifically have to ask to have it included.
Get a lawyer, and offer visitation, but make sure you make your saftey concerns for a child of " tend age" known in regards to supervision...also, esp if you are breast feeding, the court will not grant visitation for more then a few hours at a time....my ex is not permitted to leave our child unattended with a number of his family members...he is required to supervise them himself. There are also agencies that do provide visitation supervision services.
Best of Luck! | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/19/2006 12:16:54 AM | why would i not be able to take him where i want if i am the legal sole guardian???
This guy doesnt even care about his kid, if he did, he would want to visit
if is out of town family did, ie parents, they would have been there for him when born, when baptized, ....u know | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 12/19/2006 6:45:55 AM | I know exactly where your coming from Angel as like I said I am going through the same thing. My ex walked out completely in july, my daughter is 15 months old and in all the 15 months she has been her he has spent maybe 2 months off and on with her due to what he say's, "I had other things I needed to do". Since he has left he has seen her 2 times.
We are in the process of going to court right now, he has it on his papers that I am not to move out of provience with our daughter. Like I told my lawyer, I am not from here, my home base is ontario, and right now I am in Nova Scotia. I moved down here so that my ex could be closer to his family. I said to my lawyer what if I decided to move back to my home base? she said that I would have to go to the juged and get an order to be able to move out of provience even if I have full custody because parents do have right's even if they are not sole custody parents.
But like she said as well, if you have ful custody it isnt hard to get that order as you are doing the move for a good reason and you have made the right choice for you and your child. Now if you have joint custody you can still take it to court but it is a little harder as they feel that both parents should be there for a child (I dont understand this when they walk out or have had nothing to do with a child for X ammount of time) but hey it's the law.
You are able to go on vacation but you must have a return date to give to the ex. To me this is stupid as you never know what may happen if you went out to visit family and god forbid something happened a few days before you were supose to leave. I dont know I think some of the laws have got to be changed myself. | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 1/2/2007 3:25:32 PM | hi, i was kind of in your situation but it started while i was pregnant,my x and me broke up when i was four months pregnant due to his "bad habits/interests",i gave chance after chance to be involved but to no avail,and was constantly thrown back in my face. when my son was two wks old he was taken to our local hospital with a serious illness(later went onto a specialized one and fully recovered). however even when my son was in hospital,and i asked for him to be there "just in case" he couldnt be bothered,said couldnt make it up there, bearing in mind it was a 20/30 min walk tops. at that point i said enough was enough, he was either involved or not, as for him to pop in and out of his life when it pleased him(usually when single and bored) would only confuse and hurt my son. he chose to not be. he is and would be a very serious risk to even know where we live let alone for him to have him on own.
yes its hard trying to cope without his 'contribution'. i still feel the same as i did when it all came to ahead. i decided that for best interests for everyone involved i did not his money.
you may like him to stay away,even if for safety reasons,but he may feel that if he "pays" he has rights to have your joint son. if you truely feel you and your son would be safer without him,then let him keep his money,and he may stay away. if he sorts himself out and asks for visits,then ask to be helped jointly in upkeep.some people may find that as his father he should contribute whether involved or not, but if you can fight for one thing he has all rights to fight for another even if just to 'get to you'. you could get a part time job or do a course to enable you to get a good job. there are friends, family and even good child minders out there that can help,of which you may recieve help for childminders costs.
please bear in mind that if my x was to sort himself out,ie earn a proper living than makin profits from what he does, i would consider supervised visits until im sure my son is safe.
also when my son is older, and if we have had no hearing from his father, the day my son is old enough, say 16/18 or even in his 20's or 30's, when he asks to know about his father ie his name or where abouts i will gladly show him address ,names etc etc without a shread of resentment. at the end of the day when children become young adults they make their own decisions and i will help him and be there for him instead of putting his father down as all that will happen is it will all go on with out me knowing and could end up messy,and i would rather know.
i hope that this may have given you another way of looking at the situation,but all situations are different,as well as want you will ultimutly do,but i wish you all the luck and hope it dont become a battle for yrs to come.
gd luck | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 1/2/2007 8:19:33 PM | Hey OP-
To put your mind at rest, maintenance and custody/access are two seperate issues. Of course they are inter-related, but my experience is that the courts see them as seperate.
So, going for maintenance: I hope that you do not feel guilty. You will see that the courts are pretty fair. They use mathematical equations, typically designed to take in the big picture of all of your lives, incomes etc. You will also have a system behind you, with real consequences if someone chooses not to pay. This grid is on-line.
Access: You must realize that Family Court is public. Also, if you have made the decision that you and your ex cannot make the decisions together, what you are asking is for a Family court Judge to make the decisions for you. Although thay take your opinion seriously, you will not be dictating to a judge the particulars. That said, you should have all of your info clearly organized and ready to present.
A judge will respect and HEAR someone who is calm, respectful and clear.
There is also mediation, which you might be referred to or you can access on your own.
There are many resources out there. I would call, check the web and go in.
-Calgary Legal guidance, Legal Aid
-Maintenance enforcement
Good Luck! | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 1/8/2007 8:20:25 AM | Hey Angel...
Tru- why would he think that he'd have a say in where or how you bring up your child...
WOW- IF you do pursue court action...custody / support- I guess the only lil bit advice I can give- is for you to ...
WRITE things down- like a lil diary, on how often he sees this child...
it may help you in court- to show that he is not there at all...
I dunno if that would stik- maybe if you can try keep up to date- with this diary- of conversations that you have had- jot it down- and ... ummmm (lol) it'll show a pattern.
WHEN he/ she has time for this child- they have no right.
HEY... I work- I get home... (sum excuses) I am tired... blah blah blah...
Altho- he can stop you from taking the child to the next town- (seen it happen)
BECUZ of his reasons- for NOT havin the bucks to get to see his baby.
Things between - adults should really be between you and him/ her.
You helped bring this child into this world.
YOU really have a problem - that ...well its amazing the way > guys think that - they brushed up against us (at a party  maybe?) and all of a sudden we are pregnant...LOL
AND then tryin to deny.
hmmmm... arrrrggghhhhh ! 
Then havin the gall to say that we are tryin to trap you...LOL omg.
There was two ppl there... YES- should known you a bit more- instead you show me- what I wanna see in you. Which is not you- just an act...LOL
tru colors show after this kinda situation... blah blah blah...
I feel so bad for the children here. As mine was one of them.
NOW- she is 21, and the beep beep daddy wants to get to know her- she could care less.
SHE is pretty close to the dad other kids - her half brothers n sister...
SHE is now out of --- ya know- lol- baby stuff> pampers/ walkin talking/ first words- gettin sick- dah tah dah...first day at school...
IT was me that was there.... NOT him.
Ummmm- didnt  ask- is his name on the birth certificate?
maaaaaaaan... make sure there is a condom- and YOU (females) are on the pill as well...
KIDS are forever a bond for you now with sum1 u are not compatable with.
SAW another forum in here- sum girl said she was pregnant- 4 mos- and was wanting to find a date for HERSELF.
That she was not wanting to find a daddy for HER unborn- that she wants - for herself.
SO... (giggle) seemed like I had to point out to her- that it is NOT about YOU and ONLY you anymore...
She didnt believe in abortion, says that she will be fine- her family would be there etc etc...
ANOTHER girl (22 yrs old) answers - and says that she just wants to have fun...
well- we should see her with more kids- and fatherless.
its sad.
so young- and not even a hint of understanding - that she now is with a baby- unborn and wants to know if a guy will date her still. | |
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| This may be a repeated question, dont delete, HELP!!!
Posted: 1/8/2007 8:59:40 AM | good luck- you can do the things for this child- teach him that - you are there...no matter what.
It happens, and it does work. Single parents are great- people too...
Teaches us- that we really hafta keep our eyes and *heart open to all that we face.
Sum ppl are there- becuz of unfortunate - un predictable circumstances... (ie/ accident/death)
THEN you have ppl looking at you- like... why is he single- she single?
STOP judgin ppl cuz they dont have a spouse beside them.
anyhow- keep that diary- and note when he sees the child and when he does not- hope that helps when or if you take him to court.
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