| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 8:56:34 AM | My gf of 2 years and I live in south AL. When we first got together she told me of a guy friend she has that lives in South Carolina and he was an ex bf of her and they only reason they split is because he left off for college and that was probably 5 years earlier and that she still cares about him but in a friend way and she chats with him from time to time or sends an email. But anyway me and her were planning on leaving to a trip to Virginia to see her dad who lives there and we were going to spend a week there and also see some other friends of hers she hasnt seen in a couple of years. But she asked about leaving a day early and drive back down to South Carolina to spend a day with him and maybe spend the night and I told her that I really dont feel comfortable spending the night at an ex boyfriends house who told you that if he sees you to keep him from putting his hands on you and he also has a gf who is 6 months pregnant and I told her that probably wouldnt go over well with his gf.
She said she wanted to do it anyway but I talked with her and told her I didnt and she said ok. I told her this trip is for you to see your dad you havent seen in two years and it isnt a trip to go spend the night with an ex boyfriend while I am there worrying if this guy is going to try something with you.
She later come back and said that she is going to plan a trip to go up there alone sometime this year. I then got a little testy with her and told her I thought that was disrespectfull to me and to the other guy seeing he has a 6 month pregnant gf and she hasnt even asked how his gf would feel about it. I told her for all you know this other woman may go into a jealous rage and you will be in a world of Sh*t up there. I told her that no matter how many times she tells me she is only interested in me I dont trust this guy that you will be alone with who has already warned her to keep him from putting his hands on her.
I realize that some people on her will bash me but I want to hear what some other people think about this. I find it myself to be disrespectful and uncaring of how I feel even though I explained it to her. | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 9:06:43 AM | i think it's reasonable that you wouldn't be comfortable. i mean i have a guy bestfriend and i could spend the night at his place...cuz i'd want to chat and catch up. BUT if my bf isn't comfy with it, to me, it makes sense NOT to spend the night with the *friend*. i mean, they've lasted that long not seeing each other, what's one night of not spending it together gonna matter...for your sake?
i'd find that very disrespectful as well.
i mean, the whole issue [i think] is that you're not comfy with what she'll do and it's not even a life or death situation, and yet she insist on doing it. also, there are other people who'll be involved and will feel awkward [6 mons preggo gf]. so...let's just say you're comfortable with it, let's just take that woman's feelings in consideration atleast. | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 9:11:54 AM | Even though she is being up frint and honest with you.. she isnt trust worthy.. she isnt considerate of yuor feelings, and she will deceive you anyway.
i see this as relationship that is not going to mature into something that is valuable and nurturing for the right reasons.
Im sure if the tables were turned it would be another situation.
As hard as it may be.. let her go.. there are better women in this world. MUCH better. | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 9:21:01 AM | | Based purely on your story, I'd conclude that she is "carrying a torch." The torches do not extinguish easily. | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 9:36:12 AM | It just seems that she keeps PUSHING the subject and she is going to do what she wants regardless of how it makes you feel.
You don't want to feel like you are MAKING her NOT see her friend but in the same sense, you want her to understand that it makes you uncomfortable and rightly so.
The situation ISN'T right. She should not see an ex bf that can't keep his hands off her. She shouldn't put herself in that situation. She shouldnt put you in a situation where you have to tell her what is right and wrong.
If she doesn't understand that it makes you uncomfortable and the situation isnt right, then move on. I know it is easier said that done, but someone that doesn't respect your feelings really is just setting you up for bigger hurt down the line.
I wish you the best of luck and Merry Christmas
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 9:59:25 AM | | If she has unfinished business with him or needs closure, etc. she can write him a letter. Or a phone call. Going there overnight IMO means she is cheating on you, whether physically or emotionally makes no difference. | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 10:37:25 AM |
The situation ISN'T right. She should not see an ex bf that can't keep his hands off her. She shouldn't put herself in that situation. She shouldnt put you in a situation where you have to tell her what is right and wrong.
Well said Mich Girl.... Even if her intentions are pure, by putting herself in that situation, it could easily devolve into something more. | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 10:45:01 AM | I talked to her again and all she did was start to cry and chewed my ass out. She said that if he decides to come down her she is going to see him and I told her that was fine. I told her I do feel uneasy about it but I do realize this is a long time friend and we will go and see him if she wants to. She said I could go along if I wanted to. I just told her that I don’t know the guy and all I know is he wants you after the comment he made and your going 800 miles out and that just doesn’t rest easy with me.
I got a mouth full after that and I finally told her to just go and have fun but don’t expect me to be happy. She then said she isn’t going and doesn’t want to go and I told her that was a bullshit statement and that I know that just a few minutes earlier she was talking she wanted to go and know you don’t want to.
This is just one of those things that I feel I am wrong because it feels somewhat like I am telling her what to do but feel that she is wrong for wanting this.
I realize it is a fine line I am playing here. I dont want to tell her who she can and cant see but I dont like feeling uncomfortable like this. | |
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mar814
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Joined: 11/16/2006
Msg: 9 | |
| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 10:48:41 AM | I think after two years you have every right to feel it is inappropriate for her to visit an ex. She's being unreasonable. Having said that, this should be a red flag that she's either harboring feelings for her ex, or that she just isn't that into you. Mostly, it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. It doesn't sound all that innocent.  | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 10:52:38 AM | I personally think that it's an extreemly dumb idea. Sounds to me like she wants her cake and be able to eat it too. I mean this guy's already said he can't keep his hands off of her, and now she's insisting that she go spend the night with him. Am I the only one here that's seeing a red alert? Look at those two facts and put things together. That's the best I can say about things.
P.S.- she can say nothing'll happen till she's blue in the face, But I'd be looking at the facts right now and drawing a conclusion from them. | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 10:53:46 AM | I think you are right... you shouldn't be telling her what to do.
Just keep your jealousy in check and let her see him and be prepared to lose her... and if you do lose her... remember... there are plenty of other fish... | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 11:03:03 AM | She cries when you really get into the 'Nitty Gritty' of the situation and then you start feeling like your in the wrong for telling her what to do? You feel like you are being mean or acting out in jealousy?
She then says NO...I'M NOT GOING...
You say..NO HONEY....GO...IM SORRY
********DING******** DING********* DING***********
CLASSIC MIND TRIP
Dude...she is playing with your mind with this situation. I'm a girl...I have DONE this sort of thing....She wants you to basically get tired of talking about it and then you will tell her to just go....so if something happens...she can come back and say...'But I said I didn't want to go and you basically forced me to go'...then it becomes YOUR fault and she feels she did nothing wrong.
Can I just say...It's wrong...end of story....if she wants to go....KNOWING how this guy feels...then she doesnt care about your feelings. Its like she WANTS something to happen. | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 11:18:06 AM | I think you are totally in the right. She shouldn't go anywhere near him unless you are there. He has admitted to a lack of self control, and it seems fairly obvious to me that she has probably been saying things to him she shouldn't have or he never would have warned her about what he wanted to do to her.
As much as you love her, and as hard as it's going to be I would tell her that if she goes she goes for good. Tell her that you won't be waiting for her to run crying back to because you won't ever speak to her again should she leave. Most importantly hold your ground. Don't give in. If she wants to see him she should take you with him and the 4 of you should have dinner together, and that's it. No movies where it's dark, and no going back to his place where you don't know what will happen when you use the restroom.
That's just my two cents. | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 11:42:51 AM | She is still carrying a torch and seems to be trying to have her cake and eat it too. She may be trying the bounderies of your relationship. If you give in to this...then you will give in to more. It is wrong of her to want to intrude on this man and his pregant g/f. The g/f will probably get very upset. Horomones and all, you know. I see hurt on both sides.
Maybe, you need to reevaluate your relationship. Is it going where you want it to? Do you have the same goals and needs?
Wishing you luck.  | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 12:23:10 PM |
I realize it is a fine line I am playing here. I dont want to tell her who she can and cant see but I dont like feeling uncomfortable like this.
If you allow her to disrespect your feelings in this matter, be prepared to get used to that uncomfortable feeling.
What it comes down to is this: she doesn't have to understand why you're unhappy with it; just that you are. She may truly see nothing wrong with visiting an ex-boyfriend, but she knows that you do, and if you permit her to disregard your feelings when they've been made more than clear to her, she's not going to have any incentive to consider them the next time a disagreement comes up.
I generally try to see both sides of an issue, no matter what my own opinion may be, but your situation is pretty clear. If she can be so inconsiderate of your feelings now, she's not going to be changing that any time in the near future.
Have you offered her any sort of compromise? And if so, did she reject it? | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 12:29:06 PM | It is unappropiate if anything. Now if she invited you to come with her and it was just like going to see a old friend then who cares. Then I would say you are the one flipping off-line.
BUT
For her to want to go and not share her friendship with you and introduce you to her OLD friend seems wrong to me. | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 1:22:19 PM | | do you think she may be playing games.Tring to find out where you stand .A 2 year bf is a long time She may be tring to get you to commit.Some women just don't know how to ask for what they want. | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 1:37:08 PM | | nos800 has a valid point... this seems to be a bit of a trust issue... from what I read you feel that you could trust her, to a point, but you definatly do not trust the other guy... I do not blame you there! So... what are you going to do about it?? Obviously she is going to go see this guy with or with-out you... either now or later... Are you going to allow this to put a serious strain on your relationship or are you going to talk about it with her and come to some sort of compromise... maybe you could talk to the "friend" yourself, with her in the same room of course, find a gentle way to let both of them know how much this woman means to you... find out how much the pregnant girlfriend means to him. All of you are adults... find a mature way to deal with all of this! | |
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| Uncomfortable situation
Posted: 12/21/2006 2:25:32 PM | Maybe he wants to use her as a stepping stone to detach from the gf who is pregnant....
Sometimes guys get scared of this responsibility and wants your gf to help out and get him free..... | |
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