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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?      Home login  
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 alan13446
Joined: 12/19/2006
Msg: 1
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Hello Folks,

I'm new here, still feeling my way around and trying to make the transition from 24 years of marriage to single life....and it's scary as well as hearetbreaking.

There is a point/question to the following rant...please be patient.

Married to a wonderful woman for 24 years...many good qualities about her...nice, easy going, beautiful, looks after herself well, best mom in the world, always know where she is, and loves me unconditionally....great, isn't it...

Why am I ending the marriage? This great lady has never been a friend to me in 24 years. There has never been any conversation that wasn't superficial (days events)...she has no hobbies, interests, favorite author, music, sports, movie star, genre, curiousity, etc. She just exists each day like a plant, smiling alot but thats it.
It was always me that planned social events, trips, holidays, purchase decisions, menus, evenings out, where to go, what to do.....she has no friends, or makes any attempt to make a friend, at work or with neighbors...she was raised isolated on a farm, and everyone in her family is just as, well, dull...she rarely sees her brother and sister who live 20 minutes away, and when they do meet, the conversation is at a very supervisial small talk level.

She has always had an aversion towards sex, but denies anything in her past has contributed to these feelings.

I've taken her to over a dozen countries for holidays, been to 24 states and 1/2 the provinces...and as soon as it's over, she becomes this smiling mannequin again...
She never reminisces about the past, ponders the future, gets drunk, tries anything daring, etc...just exists, goes to work, comes home, eats, shits, goes to bed..and follows me around wherever I go. She needs to be shown how to do things, can't seem to figure anything out on her own, and enjoys depending on me for everything...but has never taken any interest in any of my interests...

On more than one occasion, she stated, "Don't you wish we were attached at the navel so we could be together all the time?"

Folks, I'm ending the marriage, and need to get on with my life, find a partner who can be my friend, have mutual interests, do things together, and so on...that is the easy part.

Whats hard is, it's not easy to walk away from someone who not only has been with you every day for 24 years, but acts like a small child about to be abandoned in the woods....I feel sorry for her, and don't know what do do.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.
 justmeinnc05
Joined: 8/12/2005
Msg: 2
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 7:41:53 AM
Trust me you don't want my advice or thoughts on the dirty hand you are dealing your family. I do truly hope you get what you so richly deserve for what you are about to do to her. I hope she can find a man that will appreciate the love she attempted to give to you!!!

 parry10
Joined: 1/14/2006
Msg: 3
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How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 7:55:48 AM
I'm with "justme".......are you crazy man?....You'll kill her if you do this....She's shown you total loyalty and been there for you. After 24 years, you have to think of her too. You never once said she nags you, abuses you, runs out and socializes without you or anything like that.

Maybe you could pay a little more attention to what she watches on TV etc for some clues as to what interests her...like if she keeps watching certain educational shows, you could keep an eye and take mental notes on what she seems to focus on........and that goes for when you're out too.....what puts a smile on her face when you're just out driving or shopping.

Funny how you waited 24 years till most of her hard work in your home, raising kids and life in general is done...

Maybe you're a little bit overbearing and she felt you wouldn't support her anyhow in what she chose to get involved in........think hard and remember back.........have you ever put her down before?.....maybe without knowing, you may have contributed to this self-esteem problem yourself in some ways?.......be honest...

.and the sex thing?.......c'mon!...Many people's sex life becomes a bit mundane in a marriage but that's no reason to walk out.....

.....I'm scratching my head over this one.....
 alan13446
Joined: 12/19/2006
Msg: 4
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 7:59:58 AM
Ok, 2 people have read my post and not understood a word of it....seems it's OK for guys to be losers, the quiet silent types, who do nothing, say nothing, are nothing, but when a woman acts that way, then, well, shame on the man who dares to be critical of her....
Hey, you didn't live my life for 24 years...I barely scrathced the surface...but thats ok....carry on, and have a great day...
 parry10
Joined: 1/14/2006
Msg: 5
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How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 8:04:26 AM
I just read your profile and is this is the way your were for 24 years with your wife then it's a wonder she stayed herself.......but I forgot, this is all about you....

I love this gem from your profile :

"Boozehags, nailbiters, earth mothers, low maintenance, low sex drive, prudes, jesus nuts, churchmice, or anyone who "knows the system" not welcome.Also, if you use the words "headgames" and "players" in your profile, it tells me you're looking for something that's not really there, and will accuse innocent men over nothing..."


........next
 RyanBryan
Joined: 4/11/2005
Msg: 6
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How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 8:06:48 AM
Alan13446,
Perhaps you can go a bit more into detail? Based on your description it appears that the decision you are planning on making is one that you will regret. As the saying goes, "you dont know what you have until you dont have it anymore". In addition, you are about to hurt someone whose very life has been dedicated to YOU. There are not very many people out there who would even remotely consider dedicating their lives to their partner. It sounds like you have someone special in your hands, and you are about to hurt her for being your loyal companion through life. But again, that's based on the post you've provided above. Perhaps you can go further into detail?
 ~squirrly~
Joined: 7/4/2006
Msg: 7
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 8:08:30 AM
wow you waited 24 years to do this? After years where you took care of everything and you allowed her to become totally dependant on you, you are going to pull the rug from beneath her? And why? Because she wasn't a friend?

It reminds me of a quote : "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."

After all these many many years you know her and in your own words, she is a wonderful woman who loves you. If you didn't love her back, why did you stay with her and keep her dependant on you ? Now she is much older, it will be much harder for her to start again.
 RyanBryan
Joined: 4/11/2005
Msg: 8
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How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 8:10:05 AM
Have you tried talking with her? Have you tried marriage counseling?
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 9
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How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 8:17:27 AM
Good for you, OP. Too many effing people wander through this life aimlessly, never taking control of their lives. And instead of doing something to change what makes them unhappy, they are satisfied to **** and moan and try to change other people rather than looking at what the real problems are and making the difficult decision necessary to regain control of their lives. I applaud you. Disregard the opinions of those who feel you're being selfish. You're a man, so you're going to largely be viewed in that light on this site. Trust me, if it were a woman proclaiming the same thing, we'd see a dozen posts congratulating her on her strength and character for not being afraid to take a very difficult step to regain control of her life. So, again, kudos.

As for your problem, I'm not sure what to tell you. I was somewhat more in the situation of your wife when my ex left, only nowhere near that degree. In other words, I was the one who was more dependant. But I can tell you this, after living in a bottle for two months, I finally picked myself up by the bootstraps, regained control of my life and moved on. And you know what, I am a better person for it. My divorce, in many ways, has been one of the best things that ever happened to me. I relied too heavily on my ex for everything, even my sense of pride. With her removed, I had to take a real look at who I was, weigh what I liked and didn't like and then make the decision on how I should proceed.

I don't know how your wife will react. But it's a sink or swim scenario and she's the one who will have to decide whether she's headed for the bottom or will rise above the waves. Quite frankly, that shouldn';t be your concern. You gave her 24 years of your life. What more could be asked? You're obviously unhappy and should be free to find happiness. We only pass through this world once, don't waste it.
 Midlyfechrysalis
Joined: 12/1/2006
Msg: 10
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 8:20:29 AM
I was going to post with empathy until I read your profile.

I ended a marriage that in many ways *seemed* to be fine. It wasn't. I was dying inside. Perhaps there was more blatant issues in mine (he had an affair and there was severe verbal abuse, never treated). But I understood the emptiness, loneliness and despair.

And your profile ruined the compassion and empathy I would have otherwise offered.

To answer your question, there are divorce classes, support, books and sites that can help you with ending your marriage with some degree of emotional stability. It's a long road, and often humbling.

Try http://www.divorcecare.com/
 Kymi1968
Joined: 11/21/2006
Msg: 11
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 8:38:24 AM
Alan

I'm not sure that what advice I have to offer, or anyone else, will help, but we hope it will.

You'll get alot of negative feedback for your post. But in reality, this is how you feel. Your not happy. From what it sounds like, the things that are making you unhappy, for the most part, can be fixed if you are willing to work on it and WANT to try.

I would recommend going to counseling. After so long married, sometimes people go thru this, 'I can't relate to my mate' thing. (Keep in mind, I have never been married, but have had a long term commitment). Don't throw away the marriage and break a wonderful womans heart, until you KNOW for a fact that the things that are wrong, CAN'T be fixed.

Give it a shot and try to do all you can to make things right. Maybe she doesn't know how to do the things you want or that you even feel this way to this degree.

Good luck to you.
 Restless4Love
Joined: 8/29/2005
Msg: 12
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 8:48:09 AM
I know a middle-aged couple that came to the conclusion one day that they were no longer able to relate on any level. Strange, for a relationship which supposedly began with great love for one another. Seems that in the 35 years that they spent together, they spent a lot of time working to support the household, looking after the household, and looking after their three children. They really didn't get a lot of time to themselves, or for each other. Now they are enjoying a period of rediscovery, and while they never stopped caring for one another, they are finding that over the years they really didn't keep up with each other's developments. But now they are best friends and lovers again. Seems like a happy ending for both parties.

Can you remember what it was about your wife that attracted her to you in the first place? Perhaps you married your wife because you loved her and enjoyed discovering things about her. Or maybe you got married because, well, why not? Seems a shame to throw away such an investment in marriage if it was founded on love.
 ladylynn000
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 13
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How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 8:53:29 AM
I was one that was very dependant on my x for everything. He had many emotional and who knows maybe physical afairs at work and then come home to me who asked too much from him. I was with this man since I was 15. That was his way of never commiting to the relationship if you have something else on the side you dont very really commit to either and the other womens husband takes out her trash he does not have to. Now he is seeing a married lady so no responsibilites there and I still feel like I need him in my life. He has been very mean and verabally abusive since the divorce and it kills me to see the man I spent over half my life with showing me no respect at all. To find a man that will treat me with repect is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack. I wish I could get the lost yrs back that I spent totally dependant and in love with someone that has no conscience or empathy. It has taught me however, to know that I am all that I can depend on and this lady is about to learn the same harsh reality.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 14
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How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 8:58:09 AM
What I don't get is why some people have a problem with this guy's profile. It's friggin honest!!! People complain constantly that there are too many fake profiles on here. Here's one of the rare cases where someone is blatantly honest and people get down on him. Unbelievable!
 Midlyfechrysalis
Joined: 12/1/2006
Msg: 15
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:04:39 AM

What I don't get is why some people have a problem with this guy's profile. It's friggin honest!!! People complain constantly that there are too many fake profiles on here. Here's one of the rare cases where someone is blatantly honest and people get down on him. Unbelievable!


The juxtaposition of his thread and the content of his profile indicate he needs some time to work through ending his relationship before starting another - or even dating.

The specifics of his profile might be "honest" but they also include the same judgement and pre-assumption he later claims to disdain in other profiles.

I think the OP needs to take some time before he starts a serious search for companionship.
 ex-navy
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 16
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:05:24 AM
Do you ever stop to think that she's doing you a favor by being this way? If I had a woman like that, I'd be thankful cuz I'd never have to worry about her cheating. She loves you, and this is how you choose to return the love? And why wait for 24 years to figure out that you didn't like her the way she is? Did you ever stop to concider her in this decision? I'm sorry, but it's guys like you that really get at me. How do you sleep at night? Did she not do a decent job of keeping you alive? Marriage isn't about fun, it's about finding that companion that loves you so much that they'd never think of leaving you. I'm sorry, but you been in it for 24 years and you're gonna give it all up because it's not "fun" anymore? You need the psychologist more than she does in my opinion.
 ~squirrly~
Joined: 7/4/2006
Msg: 17
The smiling mannequin
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:10:35 AM
What the OP is here describing is an almost classically typical mid-life crisis. A person reaching "a certain age" will most definitely be forced to face his/her mortality and think to themselves .....is this all there is?

No marriage is perfect and of course you both have your share in what goes wrong when a marriage gets shakey to the point of breaking. It would be interesting to get the wife's take on this but as it is we get just one side. I think we may find that she has "lost herself" because she became a mere appendage to his life. Of course she has responsibility for that and she is a grown woman. Its a hard lesson to learn after 24 years that you have been doing it all wrong. Living in each others pockets isnt the way to go. You need time away from each other and to have your own interests. It makes it more fun when you get together to have those times apart.

That being said, it's too late now as he has made up his mind that the grass is greener on the other side. Whether it is, is a whole different matter. Dating in your late 40's is no picnic. LOL. Time will tell and maybe one day the OP will yearn for the days of the smiling mannequin.

Good Luck.
 ex-navy
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 18
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:12:07 AM
I just read things for a second time, and I'm going to put this as sugar coated as I know how. YOU DON'T DESRVE HER OR ANY OTHER WOMAN FOR THAT MATTER. You also deserve no respect as a human being. Untill you realize this and change your ways, you will continue on a downward spiral. Oh, here's the sugar.
 Cher-Bear
Joined: 11/20/2006
Msg: 19
The smiling mannequin
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:16:44 AM
After 24 years you decide you want to leave her...WTF...you didn't realize this earlier.....24 years is a long time.....you poor children. My parents divorced after 25 years....and it crushed us kids.....Do whatever you can to salvage this marriage.....
 joeandgarcia
Joined: 2/13/2006
Msg: 20
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How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:20:13 AM
I loved my ex and she never loved me, then in a couple years this got worse, she would of saved a lot of pain if she dumped me early on, I recommend a therapist, marriage counsoler, get help, but make sure this is a good therapist, there are a lot of bad ones, I know , I work in the field, Dont listen to the people on this post that tell you you are completly wrong, they are not walking in your shoes.
A good therapist will help you find your part in this whole play in your life, and help her also, you owe her that, she will need some support, and it may very well be the best thing that ever happened to her, if she has help, some support.
This wife of yours could sure use some friends, do you have some hidden agenda that keeps her dependent on you???? what does she do for work? how does she make her money? before you dump her, look at what would help give her a life, she will need it to survive, you made it this many years give her one more year in creating a life of her own, and who knows, this might create something between you to.
 strangebloom
Joined: 6/30/2005
Msg: 21
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:20:35 AM
I don't really hear any heartbreak at all. It also sounds awfully one sided... to the point you are trying to be excused from your marriage.

It seems that you should have realized twenty or more years ago that she was dull. Why did it take you so damn long? That doesn't make sense at all.

My advice is for you to forget about the last 24 years, and think about when you first met her... what was it that interested you in her then? Try to recapture that.
 AREALANGEL
Joined: 2/5/2006
Msg: 22
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:20:51 AM
Your looking for a fling.......after 24 years...your giving up the cowardly way...I have met three men like you...chose ANY gal online and the first one that sticks with you..you will be looooonnnngggg gone. There goes everything that you two had built...down the tubes..and why? Your looking for a fling....
 AREALANGEL
Joined: 2/5/2006
Msg: 23
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:21:01 AM
Double entry......
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 24
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How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:24:12 AM
OK, I'm not the OP, but I just have to reply to this.


Do you ever stop to think that she's doing you a favor by being this way? If I had a woman like that, I'd be thankful cuz I'd never have to worry about her cheating.


Why would you ever be with a woman who you think might cheat on you? Seriously, now, this is just garbage. The be all end all of relationships shouldn't be their propensity for being faithful. That should be a non-issue ... a given that it won't happen.


She loves you, and this is how you choose to return the love?


A couple of girls who have passed through my life claimed to love me and tried to prove in some pretty fanatical ways. I never even dated either one. I considered them to be stalkers. Moral: Juts because someone loves you doesn't mean you have to love them back. That's life.


And why wait for 24 years to figure out that you didn't like her the way she is? Did you ever stop to concider her in this decision?


I love that these sentences are back to back because one answers the other:

He waited 24 years because he considered her that much in this decisions
- OR -
He considered her so much that it took him 24 years to come to this decision.

See what I mean?


I'm sorry, but it's guys like you that really get at me. How do you sleep at night? Did she not do a decent job of keeping you alive?


I don't recall the OP writing anything about her performing CPR to save his life, pushing him from in front of a moving bus or proividing him his only sustenance. So I would assume he's done a good job keeping himself alive given how dependent he says she is upon him.


Marriage isn't about fun,


This one you've got right ... it's a merciless grind that reduces people to piles of dust, taking away their will to live or be individuals.


it's about finding that companion that loves you so much that they'd never think of leaving you.


Again, this isn't the purpose, this is a given. Think of it like buying a car. It's a given that all cars you will compare have an engine, four wheels, windows, etc. What separates them is the perks: Satellite radio, heated leather seats, in-dash navigation systems, etc. So, yeah, while his wife would seem to have the givens, so to does a 1990 Buick LeSabre in running condition.


I'm sorry, but you been in it for 24 years and you're gonna give it all up because it's not "fun" anymore? You need the psychologist more than she does in my opinion.


So what's your advice? Should he remain in the relationship and continue to be miserable just for her sake? What has she done for him? Why does he owe her anything?
 strangebloom
Joined: 6/30/2005
Msg: 25
How to deal with heartbreak of ending a marriage?
Posted: 12/27/2006 9:25:00 AM

Double entry......


Soooooo ironic after your last post!
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