| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 11:35:51 AM | I have an issue on my mind and would like some other perspectives on this, if you all would be so kind to help me out!
Over time I have spoken with many people both men and women who have come out of LONG TERM marriages/relationships and one of the main reasons for the ending of the relationship, was that towards the end or for some a period of years, there was basically NO SEX or it had dwindled down to almost nothing. I am sure we can all agree that this would be a sad state of affairs, and that with no affection/intimacy between a couple it would most definitely affect the rest of the relationship as well, at least it would in my opinion.
So it leads me to these questions......
If you found yourself to be in this type of relationship , would you consider it grounds for leaving?
Secondly if you do not agree that it is a reason to leave, how do you live in a sexless relationship???? Do you not feel that some level of intimacy is necessary to keep a couple bonded together??? | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 11:44:39 AM | This happens to every couple... if they live long enough!
I think after a long time, couples lives become so intermingled, that it isn't a simple matter to seperate... and face it... enjoyment from sex is temporary and fleeting...
Not to mention the mental stress that comes with ending an extremely long-term relationship...
When I divorced I was depressed for an entire year before I was able to move on... | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 11:48:30 AM | Yep....I'd leave. But only after repeated attempts @ counseling & possibly a trial seperation to remind both parties what it's like to be single.
There are two main parts to the sexual equation in my estimation....being faithful to your partner & doing your part to help them have as satisfying a sex life as is reasonably possible.
If either one of these 'rules' is broken for any length of time...then it's time to discuss the state of the union.
VVVVVV "Mate Value" VVVVVV
Hmmmm....I like that, Doc. Mind if I borrow that? | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 11:52:03 AM | | Wow, What a topic. A sexless marriage is not about sex in most cases, its about passion. Barring medical reasons and laziness does not count, it is a matter of desire. When your mate let themselves go it can be a turn off. When you let yourself go it can be a turn off. I call this mate value, in this case it plummets. Nothing worse than two people no longer attracted to each other faking it for friends and fighting all of the time. Invest in your mate value. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 11:55:28 AM | Wicked, I guess that this is fairly common as the years go by. My Grandfather once told me: "Boy, when you get married, put a penny in a jar every time you and your sweetie have sex. Each year, start a new jar, after 20 or so years you probably won't have enough pennies in a year to call someone who gives a sh*t."
I've never believed or bought into that school of thought. I can, however, believe things might decline as time goes by, due to age or health. But,there should ALWAYS be intimacy. Without that, how can a relationship be anything other than an exsistance together.
My longest relationship was 9 years and we never slowed down, not one tiny bit. I think that if we could have gotten through other probs. we'd (24 years later) still be at it hot and heavy. For us, lack of sex was NEVER an issue. It was the lack of other things(which I won't get into) that killed our relationship.
BTW- Excellent thread (once again) | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 11:57:07 AM | you have to communicate....why has the sex gone? out of boredom, then spice things up...have you just gotten to the point where you take things for granted? then stop it, and make changes...if you value your marriage then you will get counseling, if not then you will let it end....
I stopped having sex with my ex husband and sleeping on the couch for one reason....i was tired of his abuse, his putting me down and telling me i was just the worst thing ever....i was not attracted to him...he refused counseling and said it was my problem, so i went...the lady asked me if i was sexually attracted to my husband, i said no...she asked if i were sexually attracted to other men, i said yes, i was going to the gym and there was a hot guy who i thought was amazing....(no i dont cheat) ... she said the problem was not me, it was with my husband...she said why would you want to get intimate with a man who called you fat, ugly and worthless all day
she said sex is usually the last thing in a marriage to go....that even if you fight, yell and scream but are able to have sex and make up, there is hope, there is still an attraction for one another...but once sex goes, and the attraction has ended then you're relationshp is pretty much doomed. Ours definitely was...and for the record, my ex blames the counselor for us getting a divorce....haha...easier than recognizing your own flaws and faults | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:02:54 PM | Well yes we can bring in the factors of age/health as time ticks by but this thread brings a story to mind that I heard the other night.
A friend of mine was referring to his grandparents and even in their late 70's you could always see that twinkle in each other's eyes when the two of them were in the same room together. When she would be standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes he would still come up behind her in their old age and pinch her butt  and she would just giggle like a school girl.
It may not be full blown sex as we age but that intimacy of just showing affection is necessary I believe for things to stay alive and well.
I agree with other posts that without it, we are simply just existing and might as well term ourselves room mates.
Personally I do think it is reason for leaving.........agree? | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:10:04 PM | I do agree. Its beyond sex though... because I know one couple in particular that still have sex on a regular basis and there is little to no intimacy. Its just something that they do.
Do they still love each other? No. So, you need more than just the act of sex I think. | |
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| Totally
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:15:46 PM | | Marriage is a contract (in addition to the religious vows). If one person breaks the contract, the other is justified to leave the marriage (notice that I did not say justified to CHEAT). If you expect your partner to be monogomous, withholding sex is a quick path to divorce. And if one party is abusive, you need to get those issues worked out BEFORE it gets to the witholding sex part. Because once you use sex as a weapon.....it's really hard to get back to the level of intimacy and trust you once shared. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:19:47 PM |
Personally I do think it is reason for leaving.........agree?
agreed....totally, (excluding health reasons)......withholding sex is a from of control and emotional abuse that is devasting to the recipient. It should never be tolerated.
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:29:07 PM | Sure it's grounds for leaving, but that's because for that to be an issue, other issues are in place that the sexless state is a result of. The thing is, often the reasons for staying are bigger and more important, leaving the lack of sex to become a lesser issue.
I don't know how to live in a sexless relationship. I've done so in the past (by choice) and it all fell apart, but not because of the lack of sex. The lack of sex just made it that much harder to bear. It all comes down to what an individual is willing to tolerate, and what elements of a relationship they value most. Some people stay because they don't wish to be separated from their children, some stay because they don't think they can bear the financial loss of divorce; there are so many reasons "why" they decide to live as they do. Some stay because they are in love with their partner. Cool, huh?
I do think intimacy is vital to a happy relationship, but there are many kinds of intimacy. Sexual intimacy is very bonding, but it's not absolutely necessary for me to stay. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:37:06 PM | I actually had this issue in my marriage. It can happen to the strongest of couples. My ex is a very good looking man, clean, dressed well, yet our sex life dwindled down to nothing. Sometimes it isn't just about "sex". If you have a tonne of stress in your life, then sex is one of the last things on your mind. My ex and I were dealing with 2 sons being diagnosed with a neurological disorder, harassment in the workplace, my depression and anxiety, then stress leave, which led to finiancial stress, and then the biggie.....inability to communicate effectively. So, when you pile all those together, no wonder we didn't want to have sex...I'm surprised we even spoke LOL!
The sex became a huge issue for me, which made me........er......cranky I am thankful we worked things the way they are now, best of friends and parenting partners. If he reads this (yeah, he's on this site lol, thats a whole new forum isnt it lol) I am extremely happy that we communicate on the same level now! | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:39:12 PM | | I can't speak for anyone else, but when my marriage dissolved, the sex went to hell because everything else was already going there. In other words, the sex wasn't the problem. Our relationship dissolving was the problem. I didn't want to have sex with her because I didn't want her anymore, and she felt the same way about me. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:44:35 PM | Well...I AM in a sexless marriage. 5 years and counting. It does get easier, but damn I miss...
Anyway, If it weren't for the fact that my marriage is sexless, loveless, friendless, and filled with animosity I'd have been out long ago. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:47:29 PM | | No sex is grounds to have a sit down with your partner. GET HELP WITH THE PROBLEM! Try some new things, or try revisiting the old days, maby someone or both people have forgotten what made sex fun in the first place. No sex is not grounds for leaving untill the pair have tried to work things out. I think it's just a reason to stop being lazy and work on things. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:53:49 PM | A lack of sexual intimacy in a LTR gone sour is a symptom of larger issues that lie between partners. Its *very rarely* the direct cause of partnership breakdown.
Before you argue the point with examples of breakups where one partner lost sexual motivation --> think. Its usually a medical problem coupled with emotional issues. Mature,loving and flexible partners work through the physical or psychological barriers constraining sexual intercourse and intimacy.
When there are larger and more pressing problems within the mechanics of partnership, then a loss of sexual interest is one of many red flags.
You can use any of a dozen or more reasons for LTR failure to call it quits. However, to cite the lack of sexual response of one partner, ignoring the larger underlying causes, as an excuse to end a relationship is...a sign of weakness in character. Most saws and knives cut in both directions: the drivers for relationship failure can be found within the partnership mechanics. It is not a failure of an affection expression component of the relationship, but rather, its intrinsic to the collapse of the bonding process, most often a problem of poor maintenance. (this presumes that the original partnership was sound and balanced). | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 12:55:48 PM | | Ouch! That has GOT to suck! I WOULD consider it grounds for leaving, a sexless relationship is a sign that things are over, and to start being friends. I mean I don't want my fabulous bondage and orgasm techniques to go to waste, so I wouldnt even bother being in a sexless relationship. If she want's a sexless relationship then I want a "friend", hey, may as well be right? I want to use my black silky rope and fake blood packets that are of a "cherry" flavor, vampire/vampress is a very fun thing to play but goes beyond the scope of this post. I don't study "neurologically induced orgasm" and "sexual massage" to be in a "sexless" relationship, I have friends that do that for me! | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 1:19:06 PM | I most certainly believe that there is no use getting into a relationship unless both the male and the female and willing to offer each other affection. I, personally can't keep my feelings for a man who doesn't want to hold my hand, snuggle when going to sleep or watching TV together in each others arms or the like. Lots of kisses for me. :) Since I love to kiss.
Some guys (and gals, too, I'm sure, but I didn't put it to the test....haha) just are not the affectionate type, which I just don't understand. I think they're afraid to give of themselves too much in fear of getting burned. But most of us, let's face it, have gone there, and the point is to survive and keep going.
About a year ago, I was in a sexless relationship, and basically stayed in there for the financial support and in hope that things might turn the other way, but it never did. Eventually, he ended up cheating on me and running out on me with the woman he cheated on me with. And HE was the one withholding the sex!!
What I did to overcome it? Well, what else can you do if you want to remain faithful? When I got the sense of him cheating (and, let's face it guys, us women have "radar". We always find out), I started looking for possibilities again. He just beat me to the leaving, that's all. After "taking care of yourself" for 6 years, it gets really tiresome.  It's either that or going to bed horny and not being able to sleep. LOL Oops, was I too outspoken here??  | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 1:23:56 PM |
Marriage is a contract (in addition to the religious vows). If one person breaks the contract, the other is justified to leave the marriage (notice that I did not say justified to CHEAT). If you expect your partner to be monogomous, withholding sex is a quick path to divorce.
Ok, I found this statement a little odd and correct me if I am reading this wrong but is there somewhere in our vows that we say "I do agree to have sex?"
Don't get me wrong here because I am a strong supporter of a healthy sex life in a marriage but I don't recall saying that during my vows?? So how is not having sex breaking the marriage contract??
agreed....totally, (excluding health reasons)......withholding sex is a from of control and emotional abuse that is devasting to the recipient. It should never be tolerated.
Now as much as I can understand that statement, it would lead me to question why specifically the person is withholding sex from their partner, I can only surmise that this person is not a willing partner because quite possibly they may be the one on the end of the abuse and no longer interested in that aspect of the relationship, right or wrong?
I don't know how to live in a sexless relationship. I've done so in the past (by choice) and it all fell apart, but not because of the lack of sex. The lack of sex just made it that much harder to bear.
Well "funnygirl" I was somewhat in this as well at the end and it is no fun. With a sexless relationship I feel you are living as nothing more than room mates, so why stay together???
We can find room mates anywhere, when in a relationship we want a level of intimacy between us and our partner for without it I am thinking there is nothing there?
The sex became a huge issue for me, which made me........er......cranky
For sure!!!! How is a relationship healthy without good, old fashioned healthy sex?!!!!
Our relationship dissolving was the problem. I didn't want to have sex with her because I didn't want her anymore, and she felt the same way about me.
Great point! When there is no sex left in the relationship, it would definitely appear to me that these two people just don't like/love each other anymore or it would still be something that they could work on keeping them bonded together.
No sex is grounds to have a sit down with your partner. GET HELP WITH THE PROBLEM
Yes, when it comes to this point and there is absolutely no sex/intimacy I think a serious talk is in order. AGREED.
A lack of sexual intimacy in a LTR gone sour is a symptom of larger issues that lie between partners. Its *very rarely* the direct cause of partnership breakdown.
Again yes there has to be underlying problems if we are reaching a point where there is no intimacy in a relationship and it must be addressed, but I am truly thinking by this point that the outside problems are so far gone that if we cannot be even slightly affectionate that the whole sexual part will not return.
I could be wrong........but I tend to not think so really.
Ouch! That has GOT to suck! I WOULD consider it grounds for leaving, a sexless relationship is a sign that things are over, and to start being friends.
Yep, that would totally suck for sure!!! It would soooooooooooo make wanna
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 1:31:12 PM |
Again yes there has to be underlying problems if we are reaching a point where there is no intimacy in a relationship and it must be addressed, but I am truly thinking by this point that the outside problems are so far gone that if we cannot be even slightly affectionate that the whole sexual part will not return.
I could be wrong........but I tend to not think so really.
No...that's pretty much it. It all just snowballs down an infinately downward sloping hill.
Very very hard to recover. And no...different positions aren't gonna do it. | |
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| Sexless marriages/relationships.....go figure?
Posted: 1/2/2007 1:32:23 PM | OP, I hope I wouldn't ever get in that position as sex is part of a healthy, close relationship...if partners let that slide, then they're definitely letting other important aspects of a relationship slide.
I wouldn't consider it grounds for leaving *before* we both tried to make things better...if both of us didn't try it's not going to work, and then yes, it's probably time to leave...because there are more problems in the relationship than just the lack of sex. | |
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