| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 2:41:21 PM | Hi everyone,
The reason for this question is very personal. I have reunited with an acquaintance from my past through POF. Though he has not actually asked me out on a date, we do chat regularly by IM and phone and have gone out for coffee. He is truly a wonderful man, but is separated, not divorced.
I myself am not comfortable with the idea of dating, and giving my heart to, a man who is separated. To me his situation means he is still tied to his wife, still married. We talked about my feelings the other day and he said he had to wait until he had the money to pay for the divorce. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 2:57:11 PM | No, Never, you said it yourself. "I myself am not comfortable with the idea of dating, and giving my heart to, a man who is separated. To me his situation means he is still tied to his wife, still married".
If he feels the same, he would save that money, or find a way to get the money to make that divorce happen if he is truly wonderful. Right now he doesn't have to pay for the divorce.
You could be passing up an opportunity with another wonderful man that is completely available. There are a lot of good available men out there. Don't let that chance pass you by for a maybe situation.
Whatever you decide Good Luck! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:05:04 PM | | It is not advisable because even if the marriage is on its way to dissolution, he is likely not emotionally available even if he thinks he is. Much better to remain friends, he will need one, and maybe a year after the divorce, if he is still interested and has looked at the marriage and learned from it, then you pursue something more. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:11:33 PM | Hi Queenie,
Thanks for your input. I know we have something special building between us, mainly because of our previous connection, but am so glad we had that serious chat the other night. He is aware that I will not be romantically involved with him.
I've only had 3 single men contact me since joining POF. One possibility fizzled for reasons that I won't go into here. He isn't here to defend himself so I will not say anything against him. The other two just weren't a fit. I met one of them at a coffee get-together a while ago and my instincts told me not to go there! When I replied to his message I wished him well in his search.
It was not easy for me to finally put aside my misgivings and try this site. I simply have not been having any luck meeting quality men in any of the venues I frequent - church, etc. Bars are not my "scene", and I don't dance. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:13:28 PM | | A while ago I broke off a relationship with a GREAT lady for this very reason. I wish I could have seen past it, but my gut just wouldn't let it go. She said she understood & respected my decision, and that she'd look me up after the divorce was finalized. But I'm pretty sure she found someone else... guess I was a rebound after all. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:13:51 PM | Hi there,
Thanks for your sage advice. Sounds like this is a road you have traveled. Am I right?
You are right on when you say it is better to remain friends. I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all.
Sorry for the double post! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:15:22 PM | Hi there packagedeal,
Thanks for your sage advice. Sounds like this is a road you have traveled. Am I right?
You are right on when you say it is better to remain friends. I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:17:50 PM | Hi shiny68,
Sorry things didn't work out for you and this great lady. She wasn't the right one for you after all. You will find love. Keep your standards and listen to your instincts. | |
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sjmh
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Joined: 9/23/2006
Msg: 9 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:26:29 PM | | Well I think it depends on each individual. I have been separated for 5 yrs...no chance of reconcilliation..... I am just not willing to pay for the divorce. I definately do not consider myself still married, or even close to it! | |
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*Tee*
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Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 11 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:33:06 PM |
Well I think it depends on each individual. I have been separated for 5 yrs...no chance of reconcilliation..... I am just not willing to pay for the divorce. I definately do not consider myself still married, or even close to it!
I agree. I'm in the same boat. I've been separated for 4 years and NO chance of reconciliation whatsoever. The cost of the divorce, not to mention losing my healthcare, is something I just can't afford at this time. Believe me, its not something I really have a choice of, if I did, I would be legally divorced, instead of just legally separated...JMO | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:37:19 PM | I 'voted to delete' and now I'm posting. What a spaz.
Maybe I'm too idealistic, but I can't see the problem with dating someone who is separated. Isn't that what it is - a period of reflection? Shouldn't they be seeing whether they feel comfortable with other people? Won't this help them decide if they want to give their marriage another try or whether it's not worth salvaging?
I don't see being separated as a longterm solution, but it certainly should provide enlightenment. If it's just pre-divorced, then say pre-divorced...don't say separated.
The separated person has a responsibility to communicate, both to his/her spouse and to his/her date. Not all people have this ability, and it may indeed be the cause of the separation in the first place. If I were to date a separated person, I'd consider insisting upon talking to her spouse first.
GE&H | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 3:59:27 PM | I can understand why lots of men and women have trepidatons about dating the separated for whatever reason. Fine, all I have to say is life and human relationships are very complicated.
To assume that every separated person is prone to reconcile with their separated partner is foolish. Just as foolish to assume that all divorced people never have hanky panky with their X.
I have dated separated women, have no regrets, and would do it again. Communication is key in any relationship to know where one's emotional state is at.
If considering dating a separatee, it definitely is important to know where his/her head is at regarding what kind of contact he/she has with his/her X. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 4:01:53 PM | No way in hell!
been there done that got the tee
I love how people say I've been separated this many years...WHY?
Get off your bum and get a divorce.....otherwise your just on a break | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 4:12:20 PM |
If he feels the same, he would save that money, or find a way to get the money to make that divorce happen if he is truly wonderful. Right now he doesn't have to pay for the divorce.
I love how people say I've been separated this many years...WHY?
Get off your bum and get a divorce.....otherwise your just on a break
Life isn't that simple for each relationship experiencing difficulties. The last separatee I dated was divorcing from her lawyer husband. He was doing a song and dance to her attempting to manipulate everything involved in the divorce to his advantage. My gf couldn't just get off her bum and get a divorce, she needed to be careful and not get hoodwinked. You just don't "pony up some cash" and get divorced.
It's your prerogative of course not to date separatees. But to say they are lazy, weak-minded, just have to pay, isn't really accurate in every instance--those sentiments are knee-jerk not-well-thought out reactions to a complex issue. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 4:39:30 PM | Hi OP,
Seriously, I do NOT recommend it. Been there, tried that a couple of times and learned my lesson. Like previous posters said, separated is not final, even if the individual feels that there is no chance of reconcilliation. The fact of the matter is they have not completely closed this chapter of their life and many times it does spill over into another relationship. I've heard what sounded like good reasons at the time for why they did not go through with divorce and tried to keep an open mind in each situation, but at the end of the day, no good ever came of these relationships. When I think back, those are the relationships that caused me the most hurt and pain. I don't mean to offend anyone who is separated and I apologize if I have, but this has been my experience and I've heard the same from many others who have gone down this road.
Best Wishes to you OP,
TJ  | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 4:44:38 PM | Last i checked, even if you are legaly divorced you can still go back and have sex with the Ex... Unless i missed something....
Its simple: As a general rule, i try not to date women that are living with there husbands.. Now thats something to consider a potential problem... lol
That piece of paper has not been respected the mid 60's. Relax, and date the seperated people.. They need loven too. And if your more important to them than the EX, it will go well..
If not, then go fishing!  | |
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soxxs
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Joined: 1/2/2007
Msg: 18 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 4:47:23 PM | *** We talked about my feelings the other day and he said he had to wait until he had the money to pay for the divorce. ***
then in that case tell him rather then meeting for coffee to save the 1.25 and place it towards the divorce.
this is so lame.
go meet someone who is totally ready. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 4:51:41 PM |
It's your prerogative of course not to date separatees. But to say they are lazy, weak-minded, just have to pay, isn't really accurate in every instance--those sentiments are knee-jerk not-well-thought out reactions to a complex issue.
I didn't say or use the word lazy...
imo......to me it looks like they want their cake and wants to eat it too..
there is always that security blanked of a spouse....separated means your married just not living together | |
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*Tee*
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Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 20 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 4:57:39 PM |
Last i checked, even if you are legaly divorced you can still go back and have sex with the Ex... Unless i missed something
Exactly....thank you pfunk. If a reconciliation is going to happen it will happen regardless of a piece of paper. Mind you there are some situations I would stear clear of, such as them still living together. I'll tell you one thing, I haven't set eyes on my ex in over 2 years, I have friends that see their "divorced" ex more then I do. You need to deal with each situation differently.....JMO | |
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Runica
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Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 21 | |
| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 5:04:29 PM | It's an ENTIRELY individual situation.
Don't 'react' to some some foolish stigma associated with a mere legal process. But rather, 'respond', and let your good judgement, your gut, and the gentleman himself tell you whether he is able to move forward just now.
Some 'separated' people are free birds already flying and never looking back .. some come with hindrances that they still need to surpass. But for godsake don't be led into ditching someone just because of the status of their paperwork re the past marital sit. If you are fond of this guy you may want to take a step back and do another review...
Being separated is simply - to me - a legal no man's land and a waiting period to get the paperwork done. Some people are 'separated' for years .. just never get around to doing paperwork but there are no ties to the past, no complications, and no financial problems associated with the past marital sit. For others it's a tumultuous time and a nightmare for a third party to fall into. It depends on each sit(uation).
Best of luck. Take care of 'you' first, cuz no one else will ! | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 5:09:07 PM | I'm not recommending that everyone start dating separated people. But it's something I'd consider if the circumstances were right.
separated means your married just not living together
Hi Bella, to me separated can mean lots of things; one of which is someone totally fed up with their husband, the divorce is pending, no chance of reconciliation. That is what you describe of course, and much, much more. The separated ladies I dated definitely weren't having their cake and eating it too like you describe. I wouldn't have known that had I taken a simplistic mindset and just bluntly disregarded these ladies' availability. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 5:12:10 PM | | I wouldn't "date" someone who was separated, even if I was very interested in her. I might hang out with her, but it would definitely be stated up front that I wasn't going to think about getting romantically involved until the divorce is finalized. I don't care who she is or who he is or what the details of the situation are. Separated is still married and getting involved could just make a bigger mess for everyone. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 5:19:15 PM | I agree with Runica's relply. I myself have been seperated for four years and it's just settling of assests/paper work not that I'm tied to him, see him or live with him that is the hold up.
I believe I'm dateable, no baggage, over my ex. Some things take longer than you would imagine legally. Give the man a chance OP or at least keep asking him questions about the whys of his life/seperation/divorce. Good luck. | |
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| Would you date someone who is separated?
Posted: 1/6/2007 6:49:43 PM | There is a big part of me that says "do not date someone who is only separated", though I also know that not everyone is the same and you have to really look closely at circumstances, and be cautious. Being only friends until things are settled may be a very good idea though.
I went through a complete rollercoaster ride with someone, but it was because they were no way near ready to date again. I didn't realize this until it was too late. I should have only been his friend.
I also dated someone who said there was absolutely no way in h... he would get back with his ex - they had been separated for 2 years. His divorce would have been final in a week as soon as his lawyer got back from vacation to sign the final divorce papers. Well they reconciled within that week.
You always take a chance - just be certain you know the entire situation before moving beyond friendship. | |
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