| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 5:07:45 PM | Alright so long story short... I have a 7 week old daughter... her father left me when I was 3 months pregnant, since she was born we haven't gotten along at all. She's is his last priority and it breaks my heart that he just dosn't care so much. I've tried and tried to be nice and civil with him, even though he's been such a jerk. Finally I had enough! I told him that I don't want him seeing her. I think I made his life a lot easier by saying that - I think that's what he was hoping for so that way he can say I denyed him his daughter instead of him not wanting to see her. Anyway... I found out that he's been working, after him telling me dosn't have a job.
What should I do? Should I keep trying to be nice and civil and hope that one day he will start carring, should I let everything go? I want to get him to pay child support but I don't know where to begin. I'm so frustrated right now because I really want him to be there for her, or at least I want him to be interested in his own daughter. We don't have to be together or even friends but I think it's important for her to know him. What do you guys think? | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 5:26:15 PM | I know this is hard but just leave him alone right now. You have a brand new baby that you need to be there fully emotionally with her right now. He may come around and if he doesn't then it is him that misses out. I myself am a single parent with a son just born in August...I was single before even finding out that I was pregnant. The father is not in my sons life and right now that is the best thing for our situation. I would never deny the father access to see his baby but you shouldn't waste your time on him, it is him making the decision to not be there and nothing you can say to him will want him to. It is important for your daughter to know him, tell her about him when she gets older, tell him what type of person he was (leave out the negativity), you were together with him for a reason so there must be some good stuff she can know. As for him not being interested in his daughter, I am sure he is but he is just a little scared right now. Leave the door open for him, let him know where you stand, tell him that in the future if he feels he is ready you are willing to help him get to know his daughter. Do not let him come in and out of her life, either he is in it or not but give him a little bit of time to adjust to the situation. I know some people may disagree with me but this is my two cents.
Remember....HAPPY MOM MAKES HAPPY BABY...do what you feel is right for your situation.
Good Luck and Congratulations
EDIT: As for the child support, I suggest go to legal aid call the family law office (toronto) 1--800-331-9618 www.justice.gc.ca/childsupport | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 5:34:46 PM | i totaly agree with the above poster
if you force him too much it will only scare him worst.
Give him time, and if he wants later to get in your baby's life, let him.
and if he does not want too, well you can't force him to be there.
Good luck | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 5:36:06 PM | | I had a similar sitation. I am not sure it will work for you, but has worked wonders for me. My "sperm donor" did not want to have anything to do with my son, and kept saying he didnt have money to pay child support. I made a deal with him. He never had to see his son, but the day he figured out what he was missing, he had to pay me $1000 for every year old my son was. He is 13 now, still haven't seen dad. I hope it all works for you. Single parenting is tough, but amazingly rewarding. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 5:36:06 PM | | Gosh,threads like these bring back those horrid divorce days...as hard as it may seem hun,the more you keep your cool the faster he will dig his own grave. Believe me,he can't hide from the system forever and he will regret that he didnt have anything to do with his daughter. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 5:40:27 PM | | i am going through the same sort of thing (only its my son and his mother).She left us both for some drummer for a heavy metal band and to be a teeneger again.It takes a certain amount of maturity to be a parent and if hes not willing to be there then it will be more harmeful for your daughter having him there half hearted.If thats the way he is drop him.Its a hard road but theres so much less junk to deal with. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 5:46:03 PM | *Yawn*
For future could you all write in your title "Repeating Overdone Thread with My Personal Details"?
Steps to Deadbeat Dads
1) Leave him be, he will or he won't come around.....you won't make a lick of difference.
2) File papers for support.
3) Complain about him on PoF (Sorry kinda jaded right now)
4) Enjoy your life without him. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 5:55:36 PM |
I've tried and tried to be nice and civil with him, even though he's been such a jerk. Finally I had enough! I told him that I don't want him seeing her.
While it is sad that you say he doesnt care as much and in your eyes, makes her his last priority, you dont have the right to simply say you cant see her anymore.
file for support, but just know that it may or may never come, so dont depend on it.
You are letting your emotions ride this, and if comes around, you need to separate those emotions. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 6:06:00 PM | One_Wild_Ride....Ohhhh! It's just getting started..
Keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times...... Did I say feet????...yea keep your feet inside the ride and close together...
Just so you won't be back here at POF in 9 months....
Well, A horse will go to water, but a pencil must be lead...
I won't suggest putting up anymore hurdles... as for emotions and drama.
Do what's best for the child at all times. Unless the father is a danger to the child, I think it would be best to do what you can to get along, and allow a bond to grow with the child.
B
D
J | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 6:25:24 PM | ^^^^^^i agree with u,but u also have to do what is right for the child.my daughters father has mixed up priorities as well....and would only come around when he had time....which was maybe twice a year.When he would come around it was fine but once he left again for say 6 months i had to make excuses for him...and help heal her broken heart...then he would come back again and we would go through this all over again...
so my opinion is to help him bond with this child as long as he is going to be a constant part of his/her life.If its going to be only once in a while i think that is more harmful to the child....just my opinion based on experience | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 7:27:26 PM | I say you can't force anyone to do anything, so accept the fact it is just you and your baby, grow up and accept that responsibility. Work hard, play hard, enjoy your child, and go on to lead a happy life in your family of two. You are wasting valuable time and life thinking about him and issues that are not yours. Concentrate on you and your daughter. Who cares any more that he left you? That he does not want your daughter. Fine then. Move on. Forget it. Forget him. You can spend the next 18 years having this consume you, or you can have 18 wonderful years. Forget the child support. You will likely never see ti anyway. Do it yourself. Earn a good living. Do what you need to do.
You have the choice, make the right one. He does not want you or your daughter. End of story. Now go on and start another book.
Live your life and enjoy your daughter. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 7:35:34 PM | If this guy walked out on you when you were pregnant, why do you even want him in your daughter's life????????
Isn't your daughter lucky to have a supportive mother? Why try to bring this guy into her life, who doesn't care about her or you??????
Consider yourself lucky, you have your daughter to yourself, you'r not fighting over her with some guy.
If you need child support from him, the courts can force him to give it to you.
But instead of crying over this guy, who left you when you were pregnant with his kid, wake up, realise you're better without him, and wait until you find a man who won't walk out on you and your daughter. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 7:51:22 PM | | Start with contacting your county attorney. There is a division of child support/child support enforcement. It will cost you nothing to very, very little money. They work on behalf of the child. They may require a paternity test and may require him to pay half of all your medical bills as well. Take everything you have on this schmuck (name, date of birth, pictures, social security number, place he works, places he frequents, where his parents or siblilings live, whether or not he answers the door if there is a person knocking, what kind of vehicle he drives & the license plate number) to your county attorney. Also, document in a log every single conversation you have with this guy (including dates and times and how long the conversation lasts, as well as note his tone of voice. These kind of logs ARE allowed in court. What you are doing is laying the foundation for collecting child support until your little one is of age. There will be no turning back and getting back together with this guy if you do this. It will also allow you to see that you are growing without him as you read back on your conversations logs. Good luck to you! Keep you chin up. Enjoy your little one but go on without him. Be pleasant. Don't talk bad about her father when she is old enough to understand and you will both be rewarded with a relationship beyond your dreams. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 8:03:40 PM | | The man's a jerk. If the man doesn't have the decency to stick it out until his child is born, he doesn't have the right to see her at all. What would this man do if you were to say "I'm not looking after this baby, she's yours, you take care of her". He'd be dumping her at the first ophanage he could find. Cut all contact, don't except any money from him. Get him out of your lives and move on. The man's a loser and always will be. | |
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djnick
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Joined: 11/6/2005
Msg: 16 | |
| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 8:07:08 PM | I totally agree...
I have a couple friends that this has happened to, for one reason or another the father left and decided not to be involved. Its in everyones best interest to let him be, as there is no point forcing someone to do something they don't want to do as it will only be half assed. They're the ones missing out. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/14/2007 10:06:29 PM | make sure he pays child support, you're going to need it with a 7 week old baby. You can have his wages garnished, and there are state agencies to help with that.
as far as telling him he cannot see the baby, I would let him know that the door is open should his feelings change. You do not want to be the reason he never saw his child. This way, you have a clear conscience, and will not be the one responsible when your child is old enough to want to know where his/her dad is.
People can change, hopefully he will grow up and decide to be consistent part of your child's life. If not, you know that you did the right thing, and did not provide him with an excuse for staying away, it will be all his decision, his choice, and his loss. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/15/2007 6:00:22 AM |
make sure he pays child support, you're going to need it with a 7 week old baby
Why would she need his support? Do not paint single parents with a single brush stroke - many single parents are quite capable of raising their child(ren) on their own, with no financial assistance. Not all single mothers want or NEED child support from ***hole biological fathers who do not want a part in the child's life. Many of us work and raise our child(ren) independently and lead good and happy lives.
If you ask me, this child is far better off without this guy around - look at the heartache the OP will be saving this child for years to come. She can have a wonderful life with the 2 of them - and if in fact this child has a good life, I doubt she'll care too much where her "father" is. If he really wanted to be a father, he would. The mother is under no obligation to cajole him into it or do anything to make it "easier" on him.
Better off if you ask me. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/15/2007 6:58:14 AM | Since it doesn't appear that he's going to volunteer to pay any child support, You may want to think about sueing him for it. I don't know what it involves in Canada, but here in the states it can be a lengthly process. However, you will need help supporting this baby. I was in your situation with my first son and I did sue. It was a necessary evil. I needed money for child care. He may come around in a few years, but do you want to wait that long. Right now you need to focus on your own peace of mind and your new baby.
Take care and the best of luck | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/15/2007 6:58:29 AM | Since it doesn't appear that he's going to volunteer to pay any child support, You may want to think about sueing him for it. I don't know what it involves in Canada, but here in the states it can be a lengthly process. However, you will need help supporting this baby. I was in your situation with my first son and I did sue. It was a necessary evil. I needed money for child care. He may come around in a few years, but do you want to wait that long. Right now you need to focus on your own peace of mind and your new baby.
Take care and the best of luck | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/15/2007 8:14:01 AM | Wow!!! you can just taste the bitterness in the thread.
Well OP, I thought I was funnin' a bit after I posted, then I went back and read all your 10 post since joining POF.
After reading that you never knew of this man to have a job, you still had a baby with him 12 weeks into the relationship (((scratching head)))). Sorry, you now know babies don't sleep 18 hrs. a day. I am glad you found time to get your 6th tatoo last week though...(((His name? new b/f?, or the babies???)))....That along with the your profile.....
Here is some serious advice..........after reading this.
Look in your child's eyes and realize she didn't show up at the door fresh off the HEY WORLD" I'M HERE" BUS. Instead you have just been granted an 18 year contract by the beauty of a thing called childbirth.
As a single dad witha 5 yo, and to raised step sons... I can tell you kids cost a little bit more then a monthly bottle of hair dye, a new peircing, or tatoo.
So after taking those things into consideration. You might want to look past this friday night, and into a future of resources that it's going to take to raise this child.
You need to grow up NOW. You are now a mother and your only interest should be what's best for your little girl.
The father needs to start by contributing to the child's needs. If it is" only" through the order of a court, then that is what it is.
Important words here...... If communication can not be smooth and civil, then don't at all. Throwing gas on the fire is good for no one....Let the representives of the court converse to him and yourself.
Just look above^^^^^^ at the bitterness. Do you want to be like these women???((not saying I don't empathize, just don't prescribe to it))) Not one poster here can tell me they got jerked around more then myself. But you know what, bitterness and hate are not benificial or healthy to me or my daughter.
In other words , be the better parent to go one up...It takes 2 fight. You can't make someone be a father(or mother), it comes from within. If he doesn't want to be a father, you should keep the courts and the responsibility making him to do such strictly professional.
In closing...take it for what its worth... I wouldn't recommend dating until your life is in order. You have a daughter that will give you more unconditional love then any stranger...take advantage of it.
B
D
J | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/15/2007 10:44:35 AM | To One Wild Ride:
Not sure if you will see this but taking my chances...I am a single mother. Happened later in my life. I was 6 months pregnant and asked the father to go if he would not straighten up his act and get it together for the baby's sake and mine.
He saw her a few times in life not many and went away to work. There was very little contact and she as growing up thought she had a Dad somewhere but was confused as to who he was and where. The next meetings grew worse and worse and she knew that he was not a good influence. Well, now, she wants nothing to do with him at 12 years old.
I have had support from my family, friends, neighbours, agencies, govn, groups for single parents, daycares and a few others that told me this half hearted effort this man puts in is no good for her or me. He walked out of mediation (Family Court Services), yelled and screamed in Maintenace Court, and blew up many times on my phone. So, who needs protection here? I did not let him know where we lived for 7 years. Cannot come here unannounced.
No more visits until it is safe. So far they have always had me there (basically supervised) so he will not be alone with her. Better off not at all I say. My few friends suggested to give him a break. Let her decide as she got older. It just got worse for her, not knowing him for so long. (He worked up NOrth for a long time, years). With no communication to us.
His rage was what I could not understand. He was hurting from not seeing the baby and knowing how we were doing. I calmed him down and got to the real reason. He was afraid.
So, could you ask any man if they are ready to become a father...a real dad, committed all the way? Most say no and don't try the experience at all. Leaving in fear that they will not be good enough (past experiences with their own father say lots too).
So, with the sorry side of this she has a dad, not here, often, he has no driver's license, no credit anywhere, and is not on good terms with this Alberta Government owing a large sum of Family Maintenance to us for lack of co-operation.
Decisions and provisions have to be made, which I did with the help of aides, councellors, family and what is the best for me and my daughter...first hand news. I also do work, on myself and her relationship with me as we are close and happy, alone.
Hope that helps you decide. The best to you and new baby...It's a day at a time and lots of diapers, but she's worth the work and lotsa love. Congrats 2 U...   | |
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speen
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Joined: 1/9/2007
Msg: 23 | |
| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/15/2007 12:21:48 PM | | My ex did the same, he took off when his son was three months old. Child support was always a fight. There's a place called family justice. Check them out, they have counsellors and stuff to help u. Whether he wants the kid or not, its his and by law he still has to pay you child support. I just went through the same and they are a big help. Don't try to be nice and civil, doesn't work. Took my ex over a year to figure out he misses his kids. But check out family justice, you will be impressed. | |
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speen
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Joined: 1/9/2007
Msg: 24 | |
| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/15/2007 12:21:53 PM | | My ex did the same, he took off when his son was three months old. Child support was always a fight. There's a place called family justice. Check them out, they have counsellors and stuff to help u. Whether he wants the kid or not, its his and by law he still has to pay you child support. I just went through the same and they are a big help. Don't try to be nice and civil, doesn't work. Took my ex over a year to figure out he misses his kids. But check out family justice, you will be impressed. | |
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| I just can't deal with this anymore!
Posted: 1/15/2007 5:37:47 PM | Lyrical Girl,
If you check out her age, she is 21. At 21, if you are not in college you are usually in an entry level job. Her baby is only 7 weeks old. Even if she puts the baby in daycare full time, the cost of daycare will consume a large part of her paycheck. Why should the father not pay towards the cost of raising his child?
And as far as cutting him out completely of the child's life, he himself is probably only 21, and a very immature 21. Given a chance, he may grow up over the next few months, or even year, and realize what he is missing out on, and that he was wrong to walk away.
We don't know the whole story, and unless he is abusive etc... I think that the door should remain open for him to enter his baby's life, the baby is only 7 weeks old and deserves to have a father in her life should he accept emotional and financial responsiblity.
If the child was 10 or 12, and the dad was in his 30's or 40's, and financially secure, and chose to walk away and not contact his kids, that is a different story and I would feel differently. At 10, 12 the kids have more of a say in whether they would want to have any contact with the dad if he ever showed up again.
I did not paint all single parents with one brushstroke, and there is nothing wrong with getting child support. | |
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