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| | Expecting your sweetie to do housework for youPage 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | I'm just wondering how many guys out there start (perhaps unconsciously) slacking off when it comes to housework when you start a serious relationship with a woman? Let's say you both have busy schedules either working or going to school or otherwise having to do with activities out of the house, and then you both come home.. Do the girlfriends do most of the cleaning and cooking and everything else at home? Or do the guys usually share responsibility at home? I have found that a lot of guys who seem very considerate and caring, once they get in a relationship, just kind of expect their girlfriends or wives to do these things for them, even though they might both have demanding schedules outside of the home (meaning they are not parents, and there is no agreement that one of the partners will be doing all or most of the housework or something like that). I don't know if it's a conscious thing or it's just something that is unsaid and expected from these guys.. At first there might be sharing of domestic responsibility, and slowly, as time passes, the woman has all of the responsibility (or most of it) for taking care of things at home. I'm not saying I think all guys are like this, it's just a little phenomenon that I've observed in a number of relationships. Can anyone shed some insight on this?
I know in words it's supposed to be a time of "equal opportunity" and equal other things.. but in real life I'm not sure if it works this way most of the time, even now. Just wanted to hear of others' experiences of sharing household responsibilities with their partners. Thanks!
PS I did a thread search on this topic, couldn't find anything on it and since it's a burning question in my mind, I wanted to ask it. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 7:56:32 PM | | I am a stay home wife now, but when I use to work, I had to do almost everything at home. It got old and old fast. We have to train them that we wont put up with it. Now he helps if I ask. Now because I am a stay home wife. I normaly do most of the in door stuff, and share out door stuff with him. (Most men think thats what were born to do, until we don't do their share of the work, are their meals, and washing. "Thats if both work.") | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 7:59:30 PM | Well first let me check...yup still a guy, now checking the calender ok 2007 well I guess from a guys perspective in the new mellineum it depends on who comes across the mess first. I work 12 hours a day but prefer to do the cleaning myself. I am anal when it comes to cleaning my house and no one can do it like me. That way I can't b'tch if it is not cleaned right. Now dishes who ever cooks in my house does not clean up, though when I cook I clean as I go so it is pretty easy when I am done.
Can't speak for everyone though that is just me... | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 8:03:30 PM | no expectations means no disappointment
probably some guy out there with a heck of a sweet deal for you, cooks, cleans and won't let you life at finger at his place my kind of sweetie | |
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nik0
| | Joined: 8/12/2006
Msg: 5 | |
| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 8:12:12 PM | I wouldn't and haven't done any less... and I wouldn't expect the other half to do anything differently. My mother would disagree with me and say that I'd probably do it all anyway. LOL
Yes, I know I am approaching this wrong - with expectations. But by the time you move in together, you should know your S/O's obvious habits. Picking up after oneself is one of them. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 8:19:37 PM | In today's age.... COME UP with a CHECK LIST of HIS & HERS...
Actually I'll make on for you & post it on a web site for you to grab & print out...as a PDF...
& NOW there are some "GUIDE LINES" laid out on the table & printed out & agreed upon & NOW just do them...
Check them off when you are done at the end of the day or week etc..
He may say "THIS IS STU-PIT" but what is the alternative? (you doing most of it)...
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This works & will work for you...
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Kahuna- | |
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*Illsa
| | Joined: 10/10/2006
Msg: 7 | |
| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 8:24:49 PM | Actually I like doing housework...I use it as my *thinking* time...and get some excersize too...
But I will tell you one thing, especially to *Kahuna* in the message above me....I will most DEFINATELY NOT clean that great big fish you have in your profile picture...or fry it up for your dinner!.....ewwwww!!!... never knew catfish could get that BIG! Nope, this sweetie won't do it for you...that's for certain...Don't you dare bring that icky thing in my kitchen!
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 8:58:52 PM | A guy's gotta love a woman who likes doing housework!
I think if you both work outside the home you should share the work inside.
I also think it's wise to divide the work according to your strengths and
weaknesses.......and women are USUALLY better at the housework than
we {men} are......and we're usually better at fixing stuff, maintenance,
and of course killing all spiders and bugs. There are also things that can
be great fun done together.
{added} Here's a helpfull hint for the guys......when you bring fish or game
into the house it should like it came from the butcher or grocery store.
{added too} VVVV Yeah baybee that's one sweet deal!!! | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 9:00:42 PM | ^^^^ Doug, I'll do your dishes .....IF you kill this HUGE friggin' bug....was in my kitchen the other night....I don't think I've ever seen bugs like this one! lol......welcome to Florida right? :)
Ok, but seriously.....dishes for the bug! Deal? Excellent!  | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 9:16:02 PM |
and women are USUALLY better at the housework than
we {men} are......and we're usually better at fixing stuff, maintenance,
and of course killing all spiders and bugs
Now I know why I am still single - I want a guy to do the cleaning, while I do the fixing, maintenance and killing bugs. Really funny how I have met a lot of guys who don't even know how to check oil in a vehicle, far less change it.
I guess next time I see a spider I better scream instead of stepping on it. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 9:41:27 PM | | Well, here is how my relationship used to work. When I was working, and I work ALOT of hours, 75-80 a week for 8 months a year, when I got home from work, supper was ready, but it was my responsibility to load the dishwasher, wash the big dishes, and then do the nightly things with my son, bath, story, playtime, and that sort. I would make my own lunch and on Sunday, my only day off, I was cleaning the gutters, mowing the grass, doing fix it jobs around the house, and vehicle maitenance. During my time off, 4 months a year, the roles reversed. It was really nice. Now being single, I do it all myself, and quite like it!!! | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 10:14:21 PM | "and we're usually better at fixing stuff, maintenance,
and of course killing all spiders and bugs."
In my marriages the men didn't follow through with the maintenance part of the bargain. As for the spider killing - ever seen a 6' 4" guy run across the room screaming like a little girl? That is one of my fondest married memories. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 10:20:19 PM | LMAO My partner at work is TERRIFIED of mice, and he is a big fella, he runs and screams and throws things behind him if he sees one!!!!! LMAO!!! LOL LOL  | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 10:51:32 PM | I am so going to get hung here
I don't like doing dishes.
I don't like cleaning.
Sweeping.
Mopping.
Dusting.
Vacuuming.
Laundry.
Hell, I don't even like to change the cat-litter box. And they're my cats.
I like to cook, but that's about it.
On the other hand, I like building things, fixing things, taking care of the car, repairing/upgrading stuff around the house.
My companion does about half an hour of house-work a day. She enjoys doing it, I hate it.
I will spend 20 or 30 or 40 hours building something for the house, and enjoy doing it. She'll occasionally help, but has no interest in that kind of labour. Although she did learn, just this past summer, how to use a power-drill. I insisted. We now have about 200 new holes in the walls. I accept I was wrong.
I'm terrible at cleaning. I really am. I admit it. I don't like doing it at all. I'd rather go to the dentist, which for me and my fear of them, is saying something. When living alone I actually hire maids to do it.
The following is for men to read only. Ladies, please avert your eyes.
Most women are phobic about bugs. Especially big ones. Befriend the local bug-merchant, the guy with all the tats and a zillion bizarre creatures from around the globe. Bring home a few of the larger, more colorful bugs each week. Let them go in the house. Soon you'll hear demented screaming. Make a show of capturing the bug in a manly fashion. Return to the game/computer room. Listen smugly to the sounds of frenzied cleaning going on throughout the house. Return bug next day for refund. | |
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Shaps
| | Joined: 4/23/2005
Msg: 15 | |
| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 11:15:25 PM | When I see something that needs to be done, then I do it.
At times I am like a Molly maid, especially around my own home, but when I am at my gf's I tend just to stick with the basics as I don't wanna step on her toes.
If I had my choice I would kick her out and go wild. But not my place to do it, as I do in my own home.
I do what I can, or what I think is helping if she wants more then all she has to do is ask -- ask, not order.
So far so good, and from what I can tell she is happy with the things I do to help out around. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 11:16:15 PM | Sorry Savage, you wouldn't get away with that here. I had a little brother...
I have to agree with the OP that there is a tendency for women to end up with the majority of the chores around the house. Sometimes it's our fault because we don't like the way men do things. Sometimes we (men and women) fall into the paterns we grew up with. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/15/2007 11:50:56 PM |
Sorry Savage, you wouldn't get away with that here. I had a little brother...
*sniff*
Fine, I'm returning the lambrogini, the bow and the box of chocolates tomorrow. Enjoy your Valentines now :p
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| Expecting your sweetie to do it for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 12:05:08 AM | I think women have to take an equal share of the blame for how the workload starts to get skewed. Women, even those reared by independent women with careers, are taught that the roles of wife and mother include caretaking. You want to show your guy how much you care about him and you tend to get all domestic. After a while he may stop doing some things because you always seem to get to them first.
What would be great is that when one or both parties realize this has happened, talk about it without getting out a score card and to agree to realign the work patterns so that things are a bit more equitable. As others have said, different individuals have different talents or likes and dislikes, and it is often possible to make deals. I would wash a hell of a lot of dishes to avoid doing the toilet.
Subtle, even if the S/O likes cleaning, which I actually believe is possible because my grandmother was that way, springing for a cleaning lady every once in a while might get you more mileage than the bugs. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 12:07:55 AM | Ok, let me put it this way, I've been single more of my life than not at this point, I know how to seperate whites & colors and do my own laundry, I do my own dishes, I mow the lawn, rake leaves, cut down tree branches when needed, repaired my stone wall when it was collapsing in spots...
Now, years ago when one of my GFs moved in, she took over cooking (ok, I'm and ok cook and still did sometimes, but she said she liked cooking and wanted to), I did the dishes most of the time, on saturday I'd be out for 2-3 hours mowing the lawn (push mower, an acre with stone walls and rocks and lots of trees), and she did the laundry. Never *once* did she ever complain, mention anything about me doing the laundry, cooking, etc (hell, I would have rather been in the cool basement doing laundry than out in 90-degrees in the middle of July mowing the lawn!!).
And, mind you, she never once offered to come out in the rain in Oct with me to help rake leaves, or mow the lawn in the summer. And I *did* mention that and was told "oh, those are 'guy things' ". So, ok, I mow the lawn every week in the summer, and rake the leaves in the fall, and shovel the snow in the winter, because those are 'guy things', and she was doing the laundry and cooking, which I figured were traditionally the 'girl things'... was it 'unconcious', I dunno, she just started doing those things, and I had all the outside chores, so I guess I presumed it as a "non-verbal agreement" that we each had our things to do.
... and when she left, cheating on me, I got a verbal "list" of things, like I never did the laundry, she always did the cooking... uh, most of the time I tried to cook I got pushed out of the kitchen or told what I was doing wrong continually. I did my own laundry for *years* before she moved in, did you ever think of asking me?
Now I'm not blaming it on her (well, ok, the cheating yes, the "work seperation" no), because in reality is was a lack of communication. It oviously bothered her, and maybe there were "signals" I should have seen and didn't, because ladies, us guys are lousy at reading slightly suggestive "signals", hit us over the head with it! But the reality is, I do all my own laundry, I take care of myself, I did for *years* before that relationship, and still do, and if you move in and *dont* just start doing it for me, I'm going to *continue* to do my own laundry. Pissed me off at the time that I lost a relationship because of that (although, arguably, she's on depression meds now, so I think it was more than just that), because had she brought it up I would have gladly done some of it.
So my question to the OP, have any of these women you know that slowly worked into doing all the housework actually *talked* to their SO's about it?? And I'm not talking dropping subtle hints, sending "signals", I mean an honest to god conversation about it?
The idea of making a list is a good one, but even making that list starts with the one idea of communication. If you don't like it, feel resentful about it or set upon, *say something*. If I love you, I will listen and we can come to some resolution/agreement. If you sit there doing it, and resenting the fact, and don't actually say anything, then you are responsible yourself for the fact that its not being shared. Heck, if it bothered you that much we could hire a maid, but if you don't talk, its not getting resolved. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 12:18:19 AM | where does one find such a woman who, when in a relationship with you, will do housework for you?
I seem to always be the one doing all the cleaning around the house... | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 12:19:25 AM |
Subtle, even if the S/O likes cleaning, which I actually believe is possible because my grandmother was that way, springing for a cleaning lady every once in a while might get you more mileage than the bugs.
You READ that part?!? SHAME. My secret is out. BLAST you!
Do not underestimate the power of the Bug.
Meh... whatever works for each couple. Long as there is open dialogue/communication about expectations and needs, it's all good. Though I don't do near as much house-cleaning as my companion, I do compensate by providing other things to the relationship. Comes down to what each partner can/would like to contribute and if there is a sense of balance.
But bugs do work well.
And one only needs to do laundry once with bleach over everything to be forever banned from doing that cursed task.
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 12:33:21 AM | | The funny thing is that you can hire a maid service and they can do all the housework in a few hours a week. Women should go back to having children so we can have a sane immigration policy. | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 12:35:13 AM | There are men that are all grown up and take care of themselves, and women that take care of themselves too. In some relationships the woman doesnt work so she does the indoor housework (it is different when there is children) and since the man is bringing home the money and it is a trade off in a partnership.
Most boomers saw mom doing the house work and dad went to the office and when inflation made it mandatory for a two income house, it started arguments on who does what, who should do what. It is not very rewarding doing the same thing everyday, house work can be theraputic, however never seeing a check for your hardwork can be demoralizing.
So, in the relationships of today men know how to do it all, so do women. It really is a maturity issue and people should clean up after themselves and if they dont like to clean or cook, there are wonderful services that will come and clean your home, do your shopping, cooking, laundry, mow the grass, run errands and fix stuff around the house. (I know there is pay for sex too) and lots of professional couples do have at least the house cleaning service help out.
It is just crazy to work a full time job and one person be responsible for the house and the other not have any thinking it is beneath them, or it is a woman's job...it can all work out if everyone will agree on a plan and stick to it or compromise on changes.
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 12:41:10 AM | Pirate 510??????? Women do have children!!! what the heck does it have to do with a sane or insane immigration policy? dont you know of the new "one world country" plan being rammed through the congress? By May 2008 we will all have personal identification cards with gps tracking devices in them. This is no joke... check the facts on google, just type in: America freedom to fascism, or watch the documentary online called the same by the director who did trading places, the rose and many more. they are not trying to do anything but distract the us people long enough to get all of the bills passed.
but that is for a different post | |
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| Expecting your sweetie to do housework for you
Posted: 1/16/2007 5:03:17 AM | Single Guy, very astute post. In my case the personality of the ass-sitter would likely never have made the conversation fruitful. He was raised very traditionally and believed that men brought home the bacon while women did the housework, which was women's work--in hindsight it should have been a red flag that he mentioned a couple of times early on that people should share the housework. Whether the woman worked as well did not seem to be a part of the equation and I always did; even while on "marternity leave" I found something I could do from home to supplement our income. X had the cleanest bathroom I had ever seen, women included, until we were married and then he developed Mr. Clean Amnesia.
As you might surmise, there were discussions about helping around the house and I think that often the biggest obstacle to fixing the situation is that by the time most people say something they are pretty pissed and/or exhausted. I think women might approach the situation differently if they realized they were partially responsible for it and it wasn't just the guy being a jerk. One, that they contributed to the situation by becoming a domestic goddess in order to make said man happy (usually wholly by choice) and that two, what was an acceptable level of involvement in the household chores prior to having children often is not when the children arrive and the woman's workload in the home increases dramatically.
This situation is really like no other difficulty that people have in relationships. If someone is taking advantage of or treating me badly but I do not say anything about it, I really do not have a right to be mad at them. If I tell them about it and they make no effort to repair the situation, then they have much greater responsibility for the dynamic that has developed. Also thank you for bringing it up Single Guy, yes ladies, you do have to hit them over the head, and with a fairly large club. | |
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