| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/8/2005 10:08:48 PM | There's alot of frustration on this site comming from the guys. And I think in some ways, it is due to the fact that people are surprised by what they find out about themselves on here. So on here, I think we see guys displaying the worst aspects of themselves in forums. Frustrated, whiney, some desperate, some even bashing anything they can rationally acccuse as being at fault. Basically, the place where you're supposed to show off your best traits oddly becomes where some guys display their worst.
Here's a partial explanation of why.
A few people have given me advice about dating: if you have trouble finding girls that like you in real life (either because your social circle is small, you have no time, you're shy or whatever) you should try the online thing. If you look okay, and have a good personality with no fatal flaws, you're sure to find some girl that likes you in a sea of hundreds of women that are literally there looking for the same thing you are.
I can still believe this advice to be correct, but it should come with a warning: prepared to be saddened by this site.
From what I've been seeing in the forums and what I've experienced, it can be more caustic to be on here than to be out there. In real life, you will never initiate dozens, or hundreds of well though out introductions to people and recieve not one reply. Guys, imagine that you had actually said those things you put in your messages (the tasteful ones that are actually good, I mean, lol) while you were flirting with some gal in a coffee bar -would they ever pretend you simply didn't say anything and walk away? You'd at least get a smile and a "thanks but..."
In an odd way, real life lets you get away with this kind of sad truth - that the object of your affections is not at all feeling the same about you. Often, at work, with friends, or even at a coffee shop or bar, single guys meet or see women they'd love to get to know better. They'd love to hit on them, but they don't (can you imagine if they always did? Chaos!). And when the opportunity comes and quickly disappears, guys think to themselves "wow, I should have tried something, anything...dammit" but in that breif moment of "coulda woulda shoulda" there's the quiet dignity of allowing oneself to think that maybe it would have been reciprical.
Of course if guys were to retreat into this kind of false optimism habitually and never actually hit on anyone I'm not sure how many guys would ever have girfriends. And the question is prompted - what is so bad in revealing the truth, that is, knowing that she actually isn't interested in you at all, without a doubt? At least this way you took a shot, right?
I used to be a big believer in this last thought, though I rarely acted on it with as much as I should have if I really believed in it (I'm still not sure why). But when you're on a site like this that's what happens. You act on all of these impulses of attraction and some guys will be saddened by the truth of the results. Some of us will send out hunderds of e-mails and never get a single return -even if it is registered as "read." I believe it. Good, honest, well written e-mails from great guys to girls they were hoping would like them. It's hard for some of those guys to look at that sort of information about oneself and not be a bit overwhelmed by the terrible lingering thought that maybe it's not even just an internet thing... maybe that's how most women (or what is infinitely worse, the very kinds women they're interested in) see them. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/8/2005 10:22:55 PM | | Oh thank gawd....another thread about why women don't answer my emails....sheessshhhh....i was getting antsy....i haven't read one of those in ....oh....i'd say three minutes!!!! I was starting to go through withdrawal!!!! | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/9/2005 2:16:24 AM | It's not about why women don't answer my e-mails. I never explcitly offered any explaination to that effect at all.
I'm just discussing why guys are upset about it, because it does seem to dominate the forums. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/9/2005 8:38:35 AM | I agree with GreyMAtter here.
Many people will, in fact, have better success in "real time" then they would here for various reasons.
I won;t go into them | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/9/2005 9:18:04 AM | Greymatter, that was an articulate and well-reasoned post. You make some interesting points.
The internet allows us to instantly communicate with vast numbers of like-minded people. You would think that would make it the ideal venue for meeting people, right?
Wrong. You don't meet people on the internet, you meet personas. You meet whatever the person on the other end of the keyboard wants you to see. Depending on the individual it may or may not reflect their personality. This allows users to either hide their true character or exaggerate it to an offensive degree. And also because there are so MANY users, we often expect to be able to meet our ideal "mate" here and won't accept anything less. This leads to dishonesty since reality almost never matches expectation and people compensate by misleading or outright lying to others about age, looks, weight, income, marital status, etc.
It has gotten to the point where an honest profile and approach actually is detrimental to success. Where honesty about oneself actually arouses antagonism in others.
Personally, I don't actually expect to meet anyone through this or any other dating site. I know it can happen, but if you really want to meet someone this had better not be your primary approach. You'll be disappointed. I like the forums and exchanges of ideas. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/9/2005 2:02:29 PM | "You don't meet people on the internet, you meet personas"
Well said, Avatar000.
Almost everyone will use a persona to some degree in everyday life in the way they present themselves, dress, talk so so forth, but it's nowhere near what we are compelled to do on here. And it's so easy to get away, and get carried away, with, especially if meeting the person face to face was never a really in the cards.
The sheer number of potential matches on here really does make everyone more selective than they would be in most other contexts, doesn't it? It really does seem to throw a wrench into everyone's expectations.
I guess it's difficult not to get one's hopes up when so much time & energy is spent actually trying to meet people on here. The number of profiles available is just so attractive that it feels more efficient (and maybe satisfying in a temporary way) to channel a flirty mood into the keyboard than it would be to go out. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/9/2005 3:17:20 PM | Sadly this turns into any other forum on the internet, people post endless useless banter about the things they simply want to talk about, it really does reflect on them more then what they probably want it to, and its probably more honest then their profiles.
I don't see why people whine on here though, its suppose to be a place to meet people and expand your circle of influence, those you are meeting might just be reading these forums aswell.. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/9/2005 4:37:57 PM | There comes a point where interesting discussion becomes venting, and venting becomes random flailing. But none of that will make a person seem more unattractive than when they start attacking each other as well, which happens quite a lot on here.
Time to find forums that make us look fun and desirable, not whiney. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/9/2005 5:57:16 PM | | I doubt that will ever truly happen man. Its the whole internet mentality, I have been in many different forum groups on many different topics over the years and they always create drama sooner or later. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/9/2005 6:42:28 PM | | ^^^amen bromly....it's why I've been avoiding some MSN groups I belond to...TOO MUCH DRAMA | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/9/2005 9:40:23 PM | This site doesn't make me sad at all, got 2 rules i follow with this site.
1. If something happens great but I'm not going to put a lot of effort into it the online thing.
2. Give me your phone number after 1 or 2 messages. No # and I won't go any further.
That way when I get a number at least I know that you could be somewhat serious.
But that's just me I won't even attempt to have a so called online date, after all it takes real life to have a relationship so why bother.... (my thinking if your that scared or nervious.. or whatever the reason for not giving a number and hiding, well not my problem it's easy to block a number) | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/10/2005 5:22:14 PM | Good Rules, Wild. Sounds like an excellent filter. Keeps expectations justified and small.
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/10/2005 8:55:06 PM | | you want a number after one or two contacts...would you be willing to give out your number to a woman...this is how I do things,,,chat, web cam "date", phone, face to face...why are in in such a hurry to meet the people?? or do alot of people lie on here...cause I don't think I have met any....hmm... | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/10/2005 9:07:13 PM | | If you think people don't lie on here hun, you're in for a big surprise. A lot don't but there are a LOT of players! Sounds like you have a system that works for you though, stick with it! | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/10/2005 9:11:00 PM | Yes I want a number after a quick short online interaction, For many good reasons,
1. You can hear and understand language patterns to determine if the other is actually interested and his/her intentions are similur to yours or not.
2. You can't hide behind a screen
3. Really how hard is it to block a number?
4. Online relationships are phony.
5. You can't tell if the person's personality is dry or not (ie ya she maybe funny, but could also be so out of control that that she can't stop herself from laughing for 45 minutes straight, no offense anyone)
6. You can accomplish if you are interested or not 1000 times faster on a phone than on a chat line.
7. What if the other person drives you nuts on the phone but doesn't during webdates?
8. Webdates are unrealistic in comparsion to talking in person
9. Blah I could go on but that is enough right there. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/10/2005 9:13:42 PM | smiley199: ya i'll give mine out I don't care. After all it is in the phonebook, oh no millions of people have my number ahhh stalkers. 
plus no hurry, just trying to be realistic | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/10/2005 9:40:54 PM | | wild840 : So how's that workin for ya? Most of the women I know will not be pressured in such a way. It doesn't matter how much I am interested in somebody, I will not be pressured into anything I'm not comfortable with. You could be missing out on somebody who's really interested in you and blow it with a crazy "rule". Just my .02. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/10/2005 9:46:41 PM | | I agree with wild840. Though I would not go as far as give the number. I just expect they want meet soon after cha tting. Because hey that what this is for right. To chat see if you are interested in someone with basic display picture and bit of chatting and then MEET!. And there is your answer everyone that not going happen. 9/10 times the mindset of woman and men on this site is hey I can be anyone/anything on net. I can say/do anything and be as rude or sexy/flirty and no consequence. I will never have to face or see person. I am sure there a few who actually want meet someone and thought like I use to that hey the net has become a popular way to meet but don't fool yourself it just like one of those stupid sex chat lines. Just way hide and be someone else for awhile. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/10/2005 9:54:54 PM | your forgetting one thing though forever_laughter. It not wild840 problem it your problem. Not trying be rude.
Most girls/guys I talk say oh god I never meet someone of net that scarry. But they will go to bar/social gathering and talk with a stranger and even go as far as have sex with him all without knowing anything. On net you get a chance to talk for awhile and basically any guys who chats with you for awhile is most likely going to reveal some sign he out to just have sex with you or not.
It expected that after a few times chatting you meet/talk on phone and start process of relationship. And I know that not acceptable for most girls on net but listen guys your suckers to think that 3 weeks won't turn into months and so on. Your not missing out on anything if a girl waits longer then month to want chat on phone and meet soon. All your missing is someone who wants live fantasy.
For girls show are scared about meeting someone on net. Take precaution. Meet in public place. Stay in that public place no matter what guy says. And again remember he went through interview process on net for extended period of time only to get same privallage you give to anyone at bar/club or someone your friends set you up with. Remember that before you say that men should not expect to bring reality into internet dating. :) | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/10/2005 10:31:18 PM | | robGenuineCowboy: We are basically saying the same thing and you somehow misread my post. I was just trying to point out that chatting 2 times is not enough time for all that to be revealed. And I am not afraid to meet with someone from online and I take precautions when I do. But I will not give personal information after the 2nd chat. It's been my experience that a guy who wants to meet right away, usually has something to hide or a different agenda than mine. One guy I met was actually married and if I had waited a few chat sessions, I would have figured it out before meeting him. After learning my lesson, I decided I will get to know more about somebody first. When a guy says it's a waste of time to chat.. that tells me he's not interested in who I am. I don't need to involve myself with someone who would think it's a waste of time to have a discussion if we started a relationship. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/11/2005 12:58:48 AM | What? You mean there is no spontaneity left in life? That must be boring.
2 chats aren't adequate to reveal everything, but 5 minutes face to face is.
The real enigma to me is chatting with someone looking for friends. Then after a few chats you learn you are not tall enough, good looking enough, smart enough, blah, blah, blah.....
So you go away. Then these people have something inside that causes them to write and ask, "Why aren't you talking to me?"
Well duh? | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/11/2005 7:08:44 AM | forever_laughter:
if i'm missing people so be it, in my mind you have to be a little nuts to have a online gf/bf anyway if asking to have a reasonable conversation is to much pressure looks like i'm in trouble then.
someone stopping saying hi and talking for a minute out on the street to much pressure? I hope not. Plus you probably accomplished more in that single minute, than what could take a half hour on a chat line to get a that little bit of a feel for a person. I simply cannot comprehend a online relationship lol
I'm only trying to be realistic.
Do notice a lot of the guys who replied agreed with me so far, perhaps it's the other way around, were not putting to much pressure, just some of the ladies aren't taking a big of enough step forward for us to feel it's worth the effort?
PS I wasn't saying meet right away, I was saying reasonible means of communication. Already posts in this thread has been taken the wrong way.... less likely of that on a phone. | |
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| This Site Will Make You Sad
Posted: 4/11/2005 7:51:14 AM | ^^^^^WILD840: ok let me just put this in just a question......why are u even on here if it dont matter, if your attitude is "i dont care" then why bother puting up a profile?
another thing is there is like 15 guys to 1 girl on here... its highly impossible for all u men to get replys, so when u come into these sites u need to remember that.
some guys get lucky on here some dont | |
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