| Railroad Schedule !!!!!!!
Posted: 1/20/2007 10:27:42 AM |  Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule? | |
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| Railroad Schedule !!!!!!!
Posted: 1/20/2007 3:19:26 PM | THE ATHEIST AND THE BEAR
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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| Railroad Schedule !!!!!!!
Posted: 1/21/2007 1:46:01 AM | Late Train
There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all of you son of a ****es who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a ****es who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a ****es who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."
The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him, "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours." So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say.
The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, "Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen, who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen, who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a ****es who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the **** in the kitchen.
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| Railroad Schedule !!!!!!!
Posted: 1/21/2007 2:09:55 AM |  Little Johnny & the train
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when suddenly he gothis foot caught under one of the railroad ties. He tried to get it out,but it was really stuck. As he struggled to free his foot, he heard anoise and turned around. To his horror, he saw a train coming.Panicked, he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks,and I'll stop being bad!"Nothing happened; his foot was still stuck. He looked up to see the traingetting closer!He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out, and I'll stop swearing andI'll stop being bad!"
Still nothing. His foot was wedged tight. The train was just seconds away!Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's horn blared.He tried his plea one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out ofthe tracks, I'll quit being bad, I'll stop swearing, AND I'll stop tryingto look up little Mary's dress."Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free and he fellbackwards, the train narrowly missing him.He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven, and said, "Thanksanyway God, I got it myself. | |
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| Railroad Schedule !!!!!!!
Posted: 1/21/2007 11:47:41 AM | | I once heard a story about a railroad crew that befriended a monkey named Bobo. The railroaders would play with Bobo and feed him and really treat him nice. In fact, they taught the monkey to give hand signals and run the engine and to even read a switch list and switch out the cars. Soon Bobo got to be so good at it that the guys would let the monkey do their work while they went fishing. One day the Trainmaster caught the guys fishing while Bobo was doing the work. All of the railroaders got fired on the spot. A couple of months later the railroaders got a letter from the company. It was a great flowery piece and reinstated all of the railroaders to their former positions with all back pay. It was signed by Trainmaster Bobo. | |
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| Railroad Schedule !!!!!!!
Posted: 1/21/2007 3:18:26 PM | An elderly lady walked into a Toronto ticket office and asked for a ticket to New York. " Do you want to go by Buffalo?" inquired the ticket agent. "Certainly not!" she answered indignantly, " I want to go by TRAIN!"  | |
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| Railroad Schedule !!!!!!!
Posted: 1/22/2007 10:07:32 AM | | Why did the railroad magnate choose a name for his railroad that had a single letter abreviation, "S"? | |
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| Railroad Schedule !!!!!!!
Posted: 1/22/2007 3:55:12 PM | Definitions:
Yard Goat - the critter used by the railroad to keep down the weeds within yard limits.
Tunnel motor - the thing that makes the doors in front of a tunnel open and close.
Feed water - what they mix the yard goat's chow with when he runs out of weeds.
Switch stand - where they stack up the turnout components before taking 'em out and spiking 'em in place.
Tie plates - the china they use at them fancy like restaurants where ya hafta where a tie to get in.
Water tank - one of them amphibibious fighting vehicles the marines use to storm an enemy beach.
Crummy - how you feel after the yard goat butts you.
Cross bucks - the dollars it takes to replace that sign guarding a grade crossing when the fellow with the hi-rail truck runs it over.
Turn table - the thing thing in the superintendents office you want to chuck out the window after he places Chatenooga Choo Choo for the five hundredth time.
Yard master - nickname for that dad-gum yard goat. Thinks he owns the place!
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| Railroad Schedule !!!!!!!
Posted: 1/23/2007 10:32:55 AM | Let the Train take the strain
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone
some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the
engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train
came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the
passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following
announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck
here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the
train and not the plane!"
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| Railroad Schedule !!!!!!!
Posted: 1/23/2007 10:45:46 AM | RAILROAD JOKES
· Two drunks were walking upgrade between the railroad tracks. One of them said, "this is is longest stairway I have ever been on." The other one said, "It's not the stairs that bother me, it's the low banister."
· Two drunks were walking down a New York City street when one fell down the subway steps. When he got back up top he told his drinking partner, "...boy you got to see that guy's train set in the basement!"
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