| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 1/20/2007 10:40:07 AM |  THREE WISHES
An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be the richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many ears. Poof!
The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.
After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to here and asked: "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?" | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 1/20/2007 3:15:10 PM |  THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG
1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4. When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
6. Take naps and always stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp, and play daily.
8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
9. Be loyal.
10. Never pretend to be something you're not.
11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
18. No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends. | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 1/21/2007 1:59:17 AM | | A man and a dog walk into a bar. The man says to the bartender: "Will you give me a free drink if I prove to you that my dog can talk?" "That's ridiculous," says the bartender. "I'll give you two free drinks if your mutt can talk." "OK fido," says the man, "What's that over our head?" The dog replies instantly, "Roof!" "Great," says the man, "Now, who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" says the dog. "Get outta here, you bums. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." As the man and dog walk out of the bar, the dog looks up at the man and says "Arf!" | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 1/21/2007 2:03:31 AM | | A farmer rows across a river with a fox, three geese, and a twenty-four pound bag of olive pits. Upon reaching the other side, he says to the fox "While I go into town, I'm leaving you in charge, Mr. Fox. When I return, these geese and olive pits better be in perfect shape, or you're in big, big trouble." The farmer hurries off. Several minutes later, the geese fall asleep. | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 1/21/2007 11:54:37 AM | What did the saloon keeper say to the cowpoke who walked in with a chicken in his ten-gallon hat?  | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 1/22/2007 10:11:23 AM | Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop. | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 1/22/2007 3:57:09 PM | | So this guy walks into a bar with a giraffe, and he orders drinks for himself and the giraffe, and the girafe keeps drinking until it gets drunk and falls down on the floor. The guy starts to leave, and the bartender calls after him "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!", and the guy says, "Oh, sorry". | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 1/23/2007 10:40:01 AM |  A hippie and a bus driver
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a Nun in the front seat. The
Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the
next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the
hippie,"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have
sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells
him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the
cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some
glowing powder,"said the bus driver guy "you could tell her you
were God and command her to have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the
cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows
up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from
where he is hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am
God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must
have sex with me first."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the
nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out,
"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,"Ha ha,
I'm the bus driver!!"
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/3/2007 3:34:31 AM | | Two cannibals were sitting down eating lunch.One says to the other, "You know, I just can't stand my mother-in-law."The other one replies, "Forget about her! Just put her to the side and eat the mashed potatoes." | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/3/2007 10:43:45 AM | GOLF INJURIES
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/3/2007 6:16:19 PM | Inebriated drinker says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."
In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'
The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink." | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/3/2007 7:43:32 PM | THANKYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I NEEDED THE LAUGHS SO MUCH TODAY! THANYOU FOR POSTING! LOL!
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/4/2007 2:18:22 AM | FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS
A trucker who has been on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/4/2007 12:09:59 PM | | Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet down, when everyone else is buried 6 feet down? | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/4/2007 9:03:23 PM | | A guy is flying down the highway and passes a state trooper hidden off the road. The trooper takes off after him, and a mile or two down the road catches up to him. The trooper, who was about to go off duty and wants to get home, says to the guy, "Look, if you give me a good reason why you speeding that I have not heard before, I will let you go." The guy says, " Well sir, my wife left me for a state trooper last week, and I thought you were bringing her back to me." | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/5/2007 11:50:04 AM | A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my ****?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the **** blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder **** can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the **** winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/7/2007 2:19:39 PM | | A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/7/2007 2:19:53 PM | | A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/8/2007 10:47:25 AM | LONG-HAUL DRIVER
Two men are chatting at a roadside diner, and one discovers that the other is a long-haul truck driver. The man says to the truck driver, "I'd love to drive a big rig, but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel." "I have a trick to stay awake," says the truck driver. "I just put a $100 bill in my left hand and hold it out the window."
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/13/2007 12:43:50 PM | | In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So, the reporter went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there was the old man, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview. "I'm a reporter, and I'd like to ask how long you've been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years," says the old man. "Sixty years? That's amazing! What do you pray for?" asked the reporter. "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" asked the journalist. "Like I'm talking to a friggin' wall." | |
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| “Hell’s Bell’s !!!!!!!!!!!
Posted: 4/13/2007 7:36:35 PM | Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18 feet down, when everyone else is buried 6 feet down?
cuz deep down they are ok | |
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