| Am I wrong?
Posted: 1/22/2007 2:45:16 PM | Ex and I broke up and two days later he's got himself a new girlfriend.. they spend every waking minute they can together which doesn't bother me until it comes to my son. My son and I live 5 hours away from the father and this new woman. It honestly has been a month since he and i split up and i don't want my son meeting this woman..then forming an emotional bond and then see ex's relationship fall apart and my son being hurt by it. I understand that my son is still young so it won't make a difference to him.. but i feel like ex should wait to bring the new gf around until they know for sure where this is headed, and i don't think it's right for him to bring his gf to my home to meet my son.
Ex thinks i'm jealous, but I'm really not it's more out of protection for my son..as i would not introduce my son to anyone i date until i knew it was going to be something serious.
What can i do about this?
BTW my son is only 8 months old | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 2:54:57 PM | I did not such a good thing several years ago. I got involved with a man who had JUST left his wife. They had two small children that were 11 mos apart in age. The oldest was 16 mos old and the youngest was 5 mos old. I immediately became involved in their lives, and 6 mos into it, they moved in with me and my bf. I raised them like my own for the time that I had them. (Over a year) I did everything for them.
I was eventually forced to break it off with my bf because he had this bad cheating habit. (Shoulda seen THAT one coming!) Anyway, it's now been 6 years since I broke it off. I recently talked to him, and his boys are just fine. They don't remember me, or anything that happened back then. It didn't affect them.
That being said, I do agree that your ex needs to not be introducing your son to every woman that comes along, but the fact of the matter is, your son is his son, too, and you only have so much control over the situation. Coming from someone that has read a LOT of posts in this forum for the past 5 months, I'd consider yourself lucky that your baby's dad is even wanting to be apart of his life. I know it doesn't sound like such a big deal right now, but it will be in no time at all.
As long as the new gf isn't some psycho, I'd just let it be even though it sucks. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 3:04:57 PM | | He is hardly in his life and only wants to be to get back at me.... he RARELY sees his son and it's mostly if i force it on him. He is only pushing for access now because the new gf has a young baby and she thinks it's a good idea for him so the boys can grow up together | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 3:07:40 PM | | Ahh, gotcha. I ASSumed he was apart of your son's life all the time. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 3:54:23 PM | i think you should let go and let your ex proceed with his life without you knowing all the pertinant details of it 
Shirley it sounds like you need to heal from this break up and only time will help you with that  as far as your little boy is concerned you cannot do squat if he has leagle visitation rights 
Good luck with that  | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 4:01:07 PM | | Perhaps you can suggest that if he's with his gf for over 6 months then you're fine with your son being around them. Just explain to him tha tyou don't want him to have significant others go in and out of his life, and you're doing the same thing. On the other hand, he's only 8 months old. if you have it court ordered, you can ask for supervised visits, or a few hours, so your son is not going to be aware of the significant other much unless she's violent. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 4:18:14 PM | The problem is that we canNOT control what are exs do or how they act when they around our children. You would hope that your ex can see the problem,,,,but obviously he is'nt very bright because of his actions already. As your child gets older, you will learn to bite your tongue concerning your ex and his actions, do a LOT of reassuring to your child that you love him/her, and then your child will probably decide to eliminate your ex from his/her life all on his/her own.
You can only control what you can control. Give your child your love and the power to make his/her own decisions. Your ex will be the one that loses in the long run.Oh,,, and you are not wrong to worry about the impression your ex is/will give your child if he has a revovling door scenario with girlfriends. But you are wrong trying to keep your child away from his father for that reason only. It's not nice, but it is'nt illegal for your ex to be stupid. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 5:17:31 PM | | How can you say he rarely sees his son if you only split up a month ago? If you live 5 hours apart and he wants to see him then shouldn't he be allowed. You are not forcing it on him and your child (no matter the age) has the right to know his father. | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 7:23:15 PM | | Oh and by the way you are WRONG | |
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Posted: 1/22/2007 8:04:35 PM |
What can i do about this?
Nothing. Its his life, not yours. | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 12:40:56 AM | because we have been living apart for 5 months and in that time he has seen him a grand total of maybe two weeks combined. When we did live together there was a history of viloence and abuse... and he wanted really nothing to do with our son and resented having him and hated having to pay a single cent for him. And BTW out of those two weeks 6 of those days were me dragging my son on a 10 hour bus trip so his father could say he didn't want us there and that we shoul;d have never came or should have come some other time.
He also asked me to get an abortion and lets his family say i ruined his life for having this child.... when i was the one on BC not him.
He can see his son all he wants but i'd like supervised visits and i'd like them to stay in my province as his father lives in another | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 3:06:41 AM | I do understand what you are saying about not letting your ex see your son and his 'new' gf together.
My ex has numerous gf's and i dont agree with him introducing our son to these new 'friends' of his, as my son is 2yrs old, and does understand about new people in our lives and wouldnt want him to get hurt when the relationship doesnt work.
If my ex had a crazy/phyco gf, then i would insist on supervised visits whether he agreed or not because its our sons safty and happiness that counts not the amount of fgs in his dad's life.
You stick to your guns, GO GIRL  | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 4:53:22 AM | because we have been living apart for 5 months and in that time he has seen him a grand total of maybe two weeks combined. When we did live together there was a history of viloence and abuse
Just like I asked another poster with an ex who has history of abuse, WHY would you want an abusive violent person around your child and want him to see your son?
I swear, I will never understand women who subject their kids to these types of men. Great and all that YOU got out, but..if it was bad enuf that you got out, why allow it back in with your child? | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 5:36:21 AM | Ella, you are correct that neither one of you should be bringing people around your son until it seems likely that the individual will be around but there are other things to consider.
First, some children do not see their fathers for two weeks in five years and with the distance, he has been fairly involved with his son even if he seems to be doing it under protest. I am assuming as you are 19 that he is young as well. Instead of maligning what he has done to this point, try to see things positively. As his bond grows with his son he will resent the child support less and more actively seek time with his son.
It also sounds like this woman at least has a sense of family and will likely be a positive influence on him relative to spending time with your son. Many times it is the new girlfriend that prompts greater interaction with a man's child and if she is a reasonable person, you may be able to develop a working relationship with her that will help all of you to do what is best for your son. They have been together five months, which is actually a good sign if what you really seek is what's best for your child and you are not still angry that you were so easily "replaced."
Children also need to learn that people will come in and out of our lives. Our female friends come and go if there is a falling out or someone moves. Some of the child's friends will move or go to a different school. As long as people try to be intelligent about things, it is not necessarily an unrecoverable tragedy if children see their parents break up with a girlfriend or boyfriend.
You cannot control what he does. The best you can do is tell him that you hope he will find happiness with this woman but that you would appreciate it if the contact with your son can be somewhat limited until they are sure that the relationship is fairly secure. If you approach this without attacking him, you have a better likelihood of getting what you want. | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 6:14:53 AM | okay, first off... I agree completely with Disney mom about the abuse and doing something to prevent your child from being around it.
secondly... you cannot dictate who your ex has in his life and whether or not your child meets that person when visiting his father... that said, there is no reason why you two can't have a discussion about it. Suggest rather than demand.
thirdly... while you cannot control who is at your ex'es house, you most certainly CAN control who is at YOUR home. You don't want her there? so be it. Personally, I would suggest that the three of you go for coffee so you can get to know her without your son present. You never know? She may be the good influence your ex needs to give him some perspective on your child. Maybe she can bridge the gap? Your ex may not be a great guy, but assuming that he cannot be a good judge of character when it comes to relationships can't be entirely true... he chose you didn't he?
I understand the concern you have... to alleviate your fear, meet her. SHE is not the enemy. | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 11:49:48 AM | What exactly is a history of violence and abuse? If he broke your nose because he punched you so hard you ended up in the hospital, yes, I would call that violence and abuse. In which case I would wonder why on earth you want this person to be anywhere around your child.
If he yelled at you to clean the bathroom more often, then I would reconsider. Your ex is entitled to live his life the way he wants, and you have no say in it unless the life of your child is in danger. You may not like it, but it's not your job to like it, it's your job to take care of your child and if the child has a father who wants in his life who are you too stop that because the ex has moved on away from you? It's also no longer HIS job to make you happy or do what you want. He was not going to remain single forever - it's tough, but it's life.
Too many women say "oh, my ex abused me, was violent with me, is a druggie, drinks too much" and I really doubt the validity of such claims from so many women. It demeans those women who are in real dangerous violent domestic situations - ALL women should relaly think carefully about what abuse is before being so quick to label their exes. | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 1:12:33 PM | He and I have not LIVED together gor 5 months we were still together until a month ago he and the new girl have been dating for aabout a month.
As for the abuse... he yelled at me alot hit me several times and the last time he tried to break my arm so no this isn't me being petty or trying to make him sound terrible..he just is and i can't help that.
I don't want my son near him but we'll see what the courts say when we finally get in.
As to the other people who thinks my ex wanting to be involved with my son is great...it is to a point and that point is he didn't want anything to do with our son until this new girlfriend started telling him that he would have to pay less if he sees him more. Ex made it clear he didn't like paying for our son when we were together and makes a big deal that he has to do it now.
Like i said though i try to keep distance between him and my son only for the sole reason i'm afraid of his anger and threats ...he says he wouldn't hurt our son but he also said that to me and i saw how far that went | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 4:10:14 PM | Couple things Im curious about
.. did he move 5 hours away for work or to be with his new g/f ?
.. did you ever charge him with any of the abuse ? | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 4:27:01 PM | Cowgirl,'
Goes back again to the overuse of the word abuse people seem to have on this message board.
The word seems to define everything from black eyes to he yelled at me for being late and I don't like to be yelled at. Maybe you finally see that when you see the word abuse in here, you need to keep your lyncher's noose in your pocket. | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 4:40:36 PM | Oh east, get off it. Read her interpretation of abuse, then tell me if I had it right. Geez. Grab a clue dude. When someone posts they have been abused, I go off of what THEY POSTED. Damn.
Yeah, so, uhm, the dude hit her and attempted to break her arm. But, according to you, that isnt abuse.  | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 4:44:08 PM | East says:
Goes back again to the overuse of the word abuse people seem to have on this message board.
ella says:
hit me several times and the last time he tried to break my arm
Just posting this.....
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Posted: 1/23/2007 4:51:18 PM | East,
Up until recently, I have enjoyed corresponding with you thru various thread situations, but lately, you have been completely off the wall with your responses.
2 separate posts have been made as of late, with real abuse situations, yet, EVERYTIME, you have attempted to disprove the term abuse. Why is that?
I am fully aware of the term, crying wolf. I have no doubt people can fabricate and overuse it, but I am curious as to your reasons that you are so quick to DISprove it?
Myself, as well as other posters reply simply by what is put out there. If someone is going to say they were abused, I will respond according to what I read. It isnt up to me to distinguish whether or not they are lying. I will offer my advice and opinion according to what is put out there.
Stop being so negative and looking for loop holes.
As for the original question, if you feel this is an unsafe enviornment for yourself and you got out, chances are, it is unsafe for your child. Period. | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 6:11:12 PM | hey most men that get offended when they hear about woman getting abused it is because they are abusive and can't admit it.
If a woman says they have been abused they have so any men that can second guess that you weren't there and keep a opened mind to other peoples thoughts and suggestions
they come on here to talk and get some answers some woman are afraid to press charges as the childrens aid always gets called and who get hurt the most kids.
the justice system has to change!!!!!
abuse comes in alll different ways the most uncommon one people don't talk about is verbal and emotional abuse and yes when a man or women is controlling to the point that you don't get a say in anything that is abuse | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 7:16:19 PM | Cowgirl,
You're right, I apologize, I have become negative. I think I need to stop reading these forums as I do believe they are making me very jaded as evidenced by;
hey most men that get offended when they hear about woman getting abused it is because they are abusive and can't admit it.
That is one of the most inane things I have read today (I won't say ever as this place is crazy)
I am arguing the abuse call as I believe people aren't coming in here for "advice" anymore if they ever did at all. They are posting here to justify their actions and only want to hear the gumdrop future. If you disagree, you are seen as "negative".
It isn't "He abused me now what do I do?" its "He abused me.....feel sorry for me" or "He's a deadbeat and if I could post his name and cut off his nutsac I would." not "Does anyone know if I can trust the Big Brother's organization.
Too many people here don't want advice, they want blind sympathy as its a warm blanket they can curl up in and hide from the world and the problems they face.
I'm way off topic here but I don't care. You know what, he's an addict, abuser who loves to masterbate to donkey porn.........thats nice......do you want advice on the next step......do you want us to put you on a pedestal for walking away......or just a general hug and you can get over to the next day?
I will question anyone's statement who diametrically makes opposite statements "He abuses me but I sent my child to live with him" everytime, perhaps it'll make them think twice about what they write........b/c be damned if you say things, false or not, sooner or later you start believing your own BS so you can hold your head up for decisions you've had to make in your life.
Life is tough....get your crash helmet out .....and close your eyes....its not going to be pretty. | |
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Posted: 1/23/2007 7:19:38 PM | Oh come on East. I know you have thicker skin than that. Ive been called so many ridiculous things by my ex and his jealous new wife...even worse..LOL...I laugh it off because I know *I* am not what they elude to.
In this forum, you are going to be called a golddigger, simply because you expect your ex to be held just as financially responsible for your child as you, but it doesnt mean we become negative and jaded by one persons comment. | |
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