| Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/5/2004 11:46:00 AM | I am getting a divorce after five years of a really great marriage. At least it was for me. We have a handsome and loving four year old son who is now in therapy because of what his mother has done. I too am in divorce therapy trying to cope with all of the shock and dismay this situation has brought to my life. I truly loved her more than I loved myself. She always claimed to love me as much if not more, but her actions were saying otherwise (little did I know). As it turns out, she had been lying to me from the start. She was actually still married to her ex-husband when she became engaged to me. From that point on, she consistenly lied to me about everything (money, work, etc.). Last year, she started a new job which I was very supportive of as always. This new job required her to travel monthly out of state. The required travel apparently ended in February, but her trips did not. In fact, she lied about her title and her salary. The incredible detailed lies that she told me, her entire family, and all of our friends are unbelievable.
My wife wiped me out. She even took my son's savings and my mother's savings (she was listed as a signer on both accounts). That was the first clue that I knew anything was wrong. I went to the bank to make our monthly deposit into our son's account and BAM! It was all gone. I confronted her about it when she returned home from her last "business trip" and she chose to leave. She returned hours later with no explanation and no emotion whatsoever. The next day, I again confronted her about the money and told her she had two choices, come clean or get the hell out. Again, she chose to leave only to return again hours later. I took my son out of the house for a while to clear my head and decided to take her car. I found a hotel receipt for the week that she had supposedly been in Cleveland for a big promotion she was up for. Only the receipt was for a hotel in Michigan and she signed for it. There never was a promotion. Her poor Mother had bragged and bragged about how well her daughter was doing in her career. I knew then that there was someone else, but I had no clue what I was in store for. I kicked her out as soon as I got back home.
I found out who she had been sleeping with and contacted him. Initially I did what any man would do.........cuss him out and threaten to kick his ass. Suddenly, I heard sobbing on the other end of the phone. As it turns out, he had left his wife of seven years to be with my wife. He had no clue that she was married and had a family. In fact, she told him that she was dying of breast cancer and that she had only a 65% chance of survival! I almost passed out cold right then and there. He also gave me the dates that they had been together. As it turns out, she was with him on the night that our son fell and injured himself badly enough that I had to take him to the ER. She knew he was hurt and in the ER, but chose to stay with her lover instead of comforting her screaming child in pain. It was then that I realized that something was seriously wrong with my wife and the mother of my child.
She attempted suicide three times in a two week period after I filed for divorce and was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward for a week. She has since returned to our hometown to begin therapy. She was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder and clinical depression. She will be medicated for the rest of her life and her son will probably never have the mother he deserves or thought he had to begin with. She had been sick for years and suffered a lot of trauma early in life. Her inability to be truthful and her constant need for praise from others is all part of her illness. She is completely self-destructive and therefore ruins lives of others in the process. I just never saw any of this coming...........never. | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/5/2004 12:25:43 PM | i dont know what to say...this is gut wrenching...you have my sympathy
im glad that you and your son wll take councelling. do you have custody?? i sure hope so..she sounds too self destuctive..and at times a danger for your son.
Your son needs stabliity..and someone around with a level head..he needs his daddy.
This is going to take a long time to get over. You ability to trust agian...and also to move on with your life. But you must understnad one thing..
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG OK?? you were the husband you thought you were..she did it to EVERYONE.
So no blame on yourself.. she created her own personal hell..just drop her like a ton of bricks..love your son to death..thats the best you can do..
but as for her.. make sure she keeps o n her meds..but she caused you too much pain to forgive.. sickness or not.
good luck ok?? | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/5/2004 2:12:02 PM | Yo bro i wrote you back about what to do but will put here also ok, first its not your fault and its really not hers either. She has a desease and you cant blame her cause she very easy could have anything else and that wouldnt be her fault also. You on the other hand do not have to live with this, cause after a loooong 10 years I know it never changes, ever. They get better then go right back to what they were, so do not take her back no matter how much it hurts you bro. It is not worth it cause they will go back to what they were. They have no problem ripping your heart though your arse and steping on it, to them its the same as throwing out left overs that sat to long in the fridge. It is just the way it is, some can be helped but 90% of them never get or look for that help. My x changes every month, and always looks to me for help with her deppression, it never fails. You want to help so much but do not, do not get involved because when you get them back to the state they want to be in you are the rug bro. Move on and get that boy of yours the life he needs, and that is with out her unless she is medicated and can be trusted, from what i see there is no way that can happen. You are going to need to be very strong and just stand up cause if not she will push you over every chance she gets. Stay in there , ill help where i can.
Gado
Cant never could, wont never will ! | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/5/2004 2:14:09 PM | Hey Friend,
My wife left our wonderful marriage of 10 years because of clouded thinking caused by a brain tumor. A few weeks ago she divided everything, then said she had bought a house on the other side of the country, and then left. She has realized it was a big mistake since then, but too much damage was done to our relationship for me to continue as we were, still friends of sort. For weeks I felt helpless, mad, I even had a few drinks of liquor!
If nothing else, your behavior and response to the other man shows you to be a thoughtful man deserving of better than you have received. Your show of empathy toward the lies he believed is a good thing, you emulate Jesus in how you showed consideration of what another has experienced while in the midst of your own pain. | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/6/2004 10:58:16 AM | hey vel, glad you know your faith and have something to belive in man, glad you took the time to help this fellow out, he is going to need so much help its not even funny. Hey all give the man a hello, being married to some one that is bipolar is really tough and the end seems to always come at the cost of the spouse. I bow to you sir, and pray you can come over this faster and a better man than when you went in. Be glad you are getting out now, it only gets worse 8( and that is what is so sad. Keep that head up and spend time with that son of yours, because you can move on, its him thats so important now, and remember bipolar is passed down, get him checked out and help while he is young, will make a huge difference later in his life.
Gado
Cant never could, Wont never will ! | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/6/2004 11:10:06 AM | he wote me bacl thanking me for my kind words.. that was nice..
this is a tremendous thing to go through..and he should not be alone doign it. Man i have councelled so many ppl form drug abuse..to sex abuse..cheaters..abandonment..you name it!!i have seen it all. It kills me to see pll go through so much. It makes you feel man..what am i complianing about?? myl ife is paradise compared to this person.
All i can do is to listen..advise..but i cant tell them what to do. Everyone has choices in life..you just have to listen to them..and follow them..and not be afriad. | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/6/2004 11:14:33 AM | Velocity,
Thanks for your kind words man. I almost fell out of my chair when I read that your wife had a brain tumor. You see, that is the excuse my wife gave to her first husband when he was questioning where she was. The whole time, she was with me! I had no idea she was still married, but she was a natural manipulator and very deceptive. Fact is, she had no brain tumor, she just couldn't tell him the truth about where she was all those nights. Therefore, she invented the tumor so that he would not question her behavior. Much like the lies and fabricated stories of her business trips to me.
In fact, my wife made up illnesses with every man she has been with except for me. She told her lover that she was dying of breast cancer! The poor shmuck believed every word out of her mouth and lost his own marriage as a result of her actions. Don't get me wrong, he knew what he was doing, he just didn't know who he was doing it with and what the future would hold for him. It is so sad that three marriages in less than seven years have been destroyed by her (her first, ours, and her lover's).
I am very sorry to hear that your marriage ended so badly. Believe me, I know the shock all too well. Did you ever question whether she had an affair? Do you know for sure that she did in fact have a brain tumor? Did you have children in your marriage? I am here to talk if you need to. It sounds like your wounds are still very fresh like mine.
Brokendad | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/6/2004 11:58:51 AM | Some people are good at those kind of things I have noticed. Being bipolar though is tough on the person and they find ways to handle things. They love the feel of a new relationship because that person has no clue they are the way they are and they can hide it, but only for so long before it comes out and they know. Dont go blaming yourselfs, cause it wont do a bit of good, just try and find things like short term goals to fill out your day. I started wanting to lose weight cause i was at 279 and was the biggest in my life, Well once I let go of the x i lost 81lbs in one month, of course my doctor freaked out big time and wanted to put me in the hospital, but guess what, it was all due to her, the stress in ones life affects the body in ways you could not even imagine. I am now toneing the rest of my body and looking dang good now, I can show pictures of me and people are like no way that is you, matter of fact the picture i have on here i look nothing like now. My next goal was to help my children excel in school easier than they were doing it, well that took some time but both my children are now above there marks and well on the way to advanced class's. goals are the key, i have to run all, will talk more later ok.
Gadolinx | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/6/2004 12:33:40 PM | My wife does have a brain tumor. Several MRIs have been done to monitor it. It presses against the pituitary gland and causes it to release prolactin, which causes her to be very distrustful and angry. She takes 12 pills a day for it and associated problems. I am sure that she has been faithful, she has realized what happened, but I just don't want that rollercoaster ride anymore. She bought a house and moved 3000 miles away in one week, now she wants me to go there or she will come back here. I have decided I want to alone for a while. I know see loves me, but when she is sick and hates me, that has grown to be too much.
I can concentrate on my business and just be for a while. I am looking at the animal shelter for a border collie, that will be a new friend. | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 10 | |
| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/6/2004 12:51:19 PM | maaann ohh man...i m so soory you guys are going throug this..
you guys are really the true heros you know. To be able to stand up agian..after taking shots and more shots by soemone you should love and trust..man thats the true testament of a strong man,
right on guys.. | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/6/2004 1:14:57 PM | Alura2,
To answer your previous question, yes I do have sole custody of my son. My wife gets 6 hours a week of supervised visitation. Unfortunately, due to all of her friends abandoning her, I am the only person available to supervise the visits. We have no family here that can assist us with that. My wife would love to spend time alone with our son. However, considering her suicidal tendancies and her ability to make other men priorities over her son, the local court system has refused her that right so far. I don't see her getting any legal custody of any sort but she might be able to get unsupervised visitation at some point. I truly wish she would have just left us alone like she wanted to, but I felt I had to get her the help that I knew she needed. Now that she is realizing so much about herself and her illness, she can't walk away so easily anymore.
Brokendad | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 12 | |
| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/6/2004 1:41:15 PM | whew...ok that makes me feel a bit better..that you have sole custody.. hmm i can see that would be hell as well to see her every week. Kinda a punch i n the gut every week eh??
can a court liason supervise with her?? hmm i guess it probaly you who can do it the best. If your son gets upset daddy is there to comfort him.
how long has it been since all this shit happened?? | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/6/2004 1:55:56 PM | | We just entered into the third month of the divorce process. Three more months to go and it will be officially over. However, I don't think she will stop pursuing me just because we are legally divorced. We'll see I guess. | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 14 | |
| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/6/2004 2:02:53 PM | BIG SIGH... i wish my divorce would be that easy... 3 yrs later and i still havent filed..
laziness...maybe..fear hell yah.. no cash..umm yup..and a ex who has been begging you nto to 5 times..arrrgghhh
well not this time.ive had it.
read my he said she said thread ok>> its soemwhere in off topic.You will understand what i have been going through. | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/6/2004 3:02:25 PM |
It could have been worse. She could have killed you and your son like that guy who killed his wife in Utah after wife found out that his whole life was a lie. Be thankful that you have a healthy son and take one day at a time. | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/9/2004 11:13:46 AM | | I can relate to this in a much smaller way, fortunately I broke everything off before it was too late. I thought I could do some good, help out, but in the end, I was the one who got hurt most, she never even bothered to find out why I stopped calling and seeing her, just ran after some other guy, I sympathize for him, hopefully he's smarter than I was. | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/10/2004 1:54:45 PM | Precious24,
Good thing you got out quickly before a marriage and kids were involved. It kills me knowing that my son's fate is the same as my own at his age. You see, my mother is mentally ill. She and my father divorced very early in my life and she soon after married my stepfather who later divorced her because of her illness. I was left (as the oldest child) to care for my insane mother as well as my younger brother and sister. My mom is now 50 and she is currently off of her meds again. It is an endless, brutal cycle that never seems to improve. I am crushed that my son has to experience that kind of pain and heartache. Maybe I had to go through all of that crap when I was a kid so that I would know how to take care of him today?? Who knows??
Brokendad | |
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alura2
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Joined: 3/18/2004
Msg: 18 | |
| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/11/2004 3:56:06 PM | holy cow..its just doenst end does it..
im sorry agian you are going through this. But you 2 have eachother..and your son will grow to respect you..and honor the sacrifices daddy made. It will make you closer than you may think.
He will learn how to treat a son as well. But its sad.he will miss out on a mommy love and beign there.
my suggestion is to get out and start living..and find your princess who will fall i nlove with you..and adore your son as well. That wil lbe the best gift for him and just what he needs.
all the best and good luck to you. | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/14/2004 6:10:31 PM | | Can someone give me some examples of bi-polar behavior. I had a very long relationship with this woman and could not figure out why she acted the way she did and why she would run away then come back then act strange then be fine and so on. Just trying to evaluate this so I can find the signs before that happens again. This is a real long story and I don't want to get in the specifics of it. She really hurt several people in two families. | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/14/2004 6:33:18 PM | | I just found some good literature on this. Well she fits it allright. That explains the need for her to drink alcohol alot. Also I never saw that coming until much later in the relationship. I hope everything works out for you from now on. | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/15/2004 10:39:53 AM | Do your research. It will prove without a shadow of a doubt that the majority of the issues you probably dealt with in that relationship were her own issues and not yours. People diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder are very self-absorbed. They do things without consideration of others in their lives (lying, cheating, stealing, etc.). In their minds, they are justified in their actions due to self-manipulation. They convince themselves that they are in a bad relationship or maybe their partner doesn't love them anymore. However, instead of approaching the issue like a level-minded individual would (talking to the spouse, seeing a therapist, friends & family, etc.), they typically seek out a new relationship all together whether sexual or not to release them from the overwhelming emotions they might be experiencing. Unfortunately due to the nature of the illness, most of the women diagnosed with this particular disorder have been traumatized early in life through physical or sexual abuse of some sort. The new relationship is usually built on even more lies and deception than the stable one they have left behind. The new partner will be completely ignorant of who their new lover truly is. This allows the Bi-polar individual to create a character that will fulfill his/her needs at that particular time in their lives. The level of deception usually worsens as they get older and do not seek therapy and medication. Stability is not on their priority list and all the things that you believed them to value and cherish are the furthest things from their minds.
Bi-polar Disorder can be treated, but as with most mental illnesses, the patient is responsible for continuing the treatment lifelong. | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/15/2004 4:10:10 PM | | Where do these "illnesses" come from? Did cavemen and women have bipolar disorders? Or eating disorders? I have noticed that these seem to occur only in societys like ours were people don't have to struggle daily for clean water, food, etc. Did Lucy (the first identfied fossilized human) have anorexia? Or tramatic stress disorder? They probably didn't have time for that, but they certainly faced very scary and difficult things on a daily basis. Are these just "western diseases" or "white man's illness"? | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/15/2004 4:11:51 PM | Hi Brokendad, I see you have done your home work, good for you man. Most of these people are some of the most hateful people in the world. The thing is they do not show that side of them selfs to much later on, and they are not who you think they are. The illness is treatable and some can live with it, the problem is they will have to hit rock bottom and have no where else to turn before they seek the help they need, in there mind there is nothing wrong with them and its everyone else that has a problem. Once they hit bottom they do 2 things, try to kill themselfs, though some will before, or they will seek help. If you decide to take them back at this point, there are some things you should come to expect. One you will never recieve love back till they are on meds that do help. Some of these meds can take up to 6 years before they take effect. Two they will use and manipulate you again and again to get what they want. To be trueful its a visous endless cycle that never seems to end, it just goes on and on and you will be the rug. So i would recomend leaving it behind if you can, cause its just years of problems and drama.
Gado
Cant never Could, Wont never Will ! | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/15/2004 4:15:49 PM | Bipolar disorder has only been diagnosed the last 8 years or so. Before that it was calld add , because the symtoms are so close together. They are now doing heavy research on the probelems and they all point of the nurons in the brain not fireing the way they are meant to. So as to when it came around, no one could even guess, but some theroys are available though the libary if you really want to look it up. I have and some make alot of sence some dont of course. They really do belive it is because of all the advancements in the world and some foods that have been placed on the market in the last 100 years or so. Could be a million things, the only thing I know of for sure is it is a nasty desease and it is causeing alot of pain not only to those that have it, but to the loved ones in there life. I really do give my heart out to any that have to deal with this either having it or being around some one that does have it.
Gado
Cant never Could, Wont never Will ! | |
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| Re: Bi-polar wife broke my heart
Posted: 8/15/2004 5:04:42 PM | | I believe Bi Polar has been around longer then 8 years, but it was known as Manic Depression. But there is no doubt that it could have been misdiagnosed a lot. | |
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