| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/24/2007 9:32:08 AM | I was thinking about this after reading a bunch of other semi-related forums complaining about why looks matter so much on pof, and here's what I think:
I think in this online venue, looks are almost more influential than they are in real life. In real life things like presence, energy, the warmth of a smile, the pheremones of unexplainable attraction, the power of eye contact and touch can create or negate chemistry between two people ... in the one dimensional medium of online dating, we're basically responding to our physical archetypes.
Granted the profiles and the way we put words together gives us some sense of who the other person is - enough to pique our interest or to sense there is a fundamental difference in our perspectives on life - but the reality is, what initially catches our eye on these sites is the visual image and our visceral responses to them.
I play a game with myself sometimes when I'm out in the real world; I look around, and I notice there are definitely men I might be attracted to in the flesh, but would not be drawn to by a flat photo. It has to do with their being, the way they carry themselves, their voice or their confidence or their laugh ... things that just are not a part of online presentation. That's just how it is with this form of socializing. There are positives and negatives to it, but the reality is, with a visual medium, visuals are the primary form of information.
Other thoughts? | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/24/2007 10:08:31 AM | I'm too tired to do this again  , so I'll be short and simple:
Looks matter as much here on PoF as they do anywhere else that is influenced by the current pop-culture and pop-society. | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/24/2007 10:41:00 AM | I remember about fifteen years ago, there were these posters marketed with nothing but millions of colored dots. And when you relaxed and refocused your eyes, a picture of the intended object mysteriously popped out at you in 3-D. Some people could see the image...others could not. I often wondered about the people who could not see it.......
For me personally, I never base my attraction in 'real life' to somebody on the initial visual or other stimuli you mentioned....for one very good reason: All those things like 'presence, energy, smile, eye contact, and even touch, can be just as easily be 'PHOTOSHOPPED' as even a simple picture put on one's profile. They can be 'Glamour Shotted' in an effort to merely impress. That's not to say I can't 'appreciate' what I see before me on initial contact....I just never assume the real person is who they say they are, or how they act....initially.
I see pictures of beautiful women all the time on here, both in profile and in email, and I certainly 'appreciate' their beauty on first glance......but I tend to wait till my eyes focus to see what pops out at me before I can say I'm really ATTRACTED.
People these days are schooled, seminared, TV showed, interneted, and read to death on how to "Win Friends and Influence People".....And while you might get a second generation copy of what or who somebody really is in any given 'real life' situation with all those things you mentioned....you never really know who they are until you're sitting in 'the dark room' with them..........Only then does the real picture start to take form. | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/24/2007 12:13:23 PM | looks matter, it's what it boils down to.
It is not necesarily a bad thing, is a question of choice.
People need to find some one ATTRACTIVE in some way to go out with that person.
People have different taste.
personality however is what keeps you drawn to that person or will make you wanna dump her. | |
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| Say It Right
Posted: 1/24/2007 12:38:38 PM | | Oh, You don't need nothing at all, but me. | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/24/2007 12:43:24 PM | | I agree that many times someone's picture does not do a good job capturing what they are "like" as much as seeing them in person would. Using myself as an example, I do not think I'm the most photogenic person in the world. Out of all of the pictures that I have seen of myself, there are a relative few of them that I would say I'm happy with the way I look. I had to hunt hard amongst the ones I have to find the couple I have on my profile. But what's the real difference between the ones I like and the ones I don't? Usually it's something like the angle, the lighting, the fact that I suffer from red-eye a lot, the fact that I just tend to end up looking "flat" in some of them, etc. Looking in the mirror, however, I like the way I look most of the time. So, for some people, there really is a difference between how they come off in photos vs. real life. (And yes, I've met other people like this as well, not just myself.) | |
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| Say It Right
Posted: 1/24/2007 12:52:08 PM | posted by mike p
Oh, You don't need nothing at all, but me
oh crap!!!!!
hopefully you are not talking to me | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/24/2007 12:55:13 PM | I have to agree completely. At first I would try to start up a chat and no answers ,it was a little dishearting. I could not believe it nothing at all , I have no problem meeting people in real life . BUT NOW I see it as a challenge on here to get a response =)
THE OTHER THING IS JUST A GOOD PICTURE | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/24/2007 1:16:44 PM | The only people I will allow to tell me that "looks mean nothing" are blind people with no hands.
Other than that, we are constantly calculating and judging people on looks... even if it "comes down to personality", it started with looks. Even if you didn't think the person was "attractive" until after you got to know their personalities, that still means you, at one point, judged that they were not attractive, or comparably attractive to someone.
An extreme example of someone who "Doesn't judge based on looks." would find both men and women equally sexually attractive.
You can say, "We'll, I'm not gay, why would I find my same sex sexually attractive?" The answer is... how do you know its your same sex? Are you judging it based on the masculine/feminine traits? Are you judging it on the hair? What if its a really flat chested masculine woman, yet you thought it was a man so you didn't even think to approach her? Or vice-versa.
There is absolutely no denying that beauty is important when finding a mate.
The only argument that arises is when people forget that "beauty" is a highly variable and personal aspect.
A guy may date only thin women, and people might say "He hates fat women." Yet rarely, when I see a man date a fat woman, do I hear, "He hates thin women."
To some, fat is beauty. To some, scars are beauty. To some, thin is beauty.
And even, to some, beauty is found in a micro-second combination of light, expression, ambiance, and a slew of other variables all happening in sync to draw out a small shade in a dimple, or a faint twinkle in an eye.
The key is always to remember that "beauty" is not a tangible thing that can be filmed or recorded, and allowing it to be, if anything, takes away its beauty. | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/24/2007 3:16:54 PM |
And when you relaxed and refocused your eyes, a picture of the intended object mysteriously popped out at you in 3-D. Some people could see the image...others could not. I often wondered about the people who could not see it.......
*Not an eye doctor, just been to going to them for a long time.
I bet those same people have bad depth perception.
Eyes work together= you can see 3D Eyes don't work together= you can't
I always hated those Magic Eye pictures myself. | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/24/2007 6:14:57 PM | I love Piano4te's metaphor because it's so true...
Just like with magic eye images... sometimes you have to cross your eyes to find a woman attractive.
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/24/2007 7:02:06 PM | Ambiguous1... I read about you and I have to tell you... you are an amazing young woman! I hope you find what you are looking for on this site... remember to give it time... post in the forums, be yourself and he'll find you! You're AWESOME girlfriend!
Back to the topic... everyone sees everyone differently. What one person finds beautiful another person may not. The internet is hard, you only see a picture and the person's profile, hopefully people look harder at the person behind the crummy pictures and the profile. Sadly most people only look at the picture and base their opinion on that. It's not just on a dating site that people do this.
Artredefined I love everything you have to say... most of the time... unless you're talking about my... well you know... and lying to me about keeping your eyes closed... | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/24/2007 7:28:09 PM | | Ambiguous1... I changed my settings so you can email me... will you email me so I can talk to you? I'd like to give you some advice... interestingly I found a picture of YOU that I think you should post on your page. | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 1/25/2007 2:49:44 PM |
Just like with magic eye images... sometimes you have to cross your eyes to find a woman attractive.
Either that or be really drunk... | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 10/6/2007 10:45:27 AM | I would not say that this reality only applies to POF.... Some jobs for example, I can see beauty playing a part in it, whether anyone would admit it or not. When I grew up, it was not uncommon for a guy to flat out tell a girl if she was a dog or not.... but through experience I had felt that women also have this need for good looks in the guy, although most would not admit it. (even though they are among the younger gen)
I have noticed here from lookin at files with more then one photo, some show the woman looking so fine, while another shot may not. So I would agree with the original initiator, a better description of an individual is in 3D. not just pics and words.
Of course we all want to look our best on first physical contact.... But for me I perfer casual as it will be who we are most of the time, gettin up and goin to bed, if there is like chemistry. There is so much today that people can do to change their outward appearance without goin through surgery.... that you wonder how real am I being to myself.??? 
The real proof is in the heart, of just who you are really! Mine is tattered from 3 heart breaks, but strong enough to carry hope of Love everlasting. | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 10/6/2007 11:11:51 AM |
The real proof is in the heart, of just who you are really!
As it should be IMHO. The reality is some aren't interested in looking that deep and let the outside package define everything about you.
It's how I try to look at people, potential mates, friends etc. The question I am most curious about is: What is the condition of your heart? | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 10/6/2007 5:25:07 PM | Looks matter wherever you are. Be it here on POF or in the grocery store. On this site or any other dating site for that matter you view a picture of the person. Not everyone is photogenic. I have one good picture on my profile, the rest in my opinion are crap. I've been told I'm cuter in person... but beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
A person's personality make up a lot of their good looks. You could be an incredibly good looking person but if you are mean and rude or have a bad personality that's going to affect your looks to a lot of people. (Me being one of them.)
Everyone sees people differently, where one person sees beauty another is going to see ugliness. | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 10/6/2007 6:05:40 PM | Because online dating is missing out the key aspect of face time. The only thing you have to go on is a certain look you might like. Some people have a tendency to use it as people shopping and get really picky.
However, I think we all say we have dated and had good times with people who weren't necessarily our type or would have caught our attention by a photo only. Reason why? Because attraction is based on more than just a look. It is based on smell, touch, presence, and your vibe. Some people might look really good on paper or in a photo and will have zilch in actual attraction if they do meet up. | |
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Ender
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Joined: 2/1/2004
Msg: 23 | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 10/6/2007 11:09:15 PM | Attraction in the flat digital world will probably be photo based at first, people are visual generally to the extreme. It is the subtle portion after that first meeting that makes all the difference in the world...
I look first to the description, and then later at the images, I have found that over the years, my brain has been much better at finding people of common interest than my eyes have been.
--Serenity | |
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| why looks seem to matter so much on pof
Posted: 10/6/2007 11:19:53 PM | Looks matter because you aren't going to date someone you find unattractive. Point blank.
Says the man who thinks this picture http://pics.plentyofsite.com/thumbnails/8/Pheonix_singles_430720.jpg is a good way to get a date.
Well. as crude as that sounds, you are right. | |
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