| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:26:29 AM | | A friend of mine is going out with a guy who is 9 years older than her (she is 18, he is 27)...they have been dating for 5 months. Anyways, I am worried about her. To make a long story short, this guy has cheated on her like 6 times with his ex-girlfriend and has lied to her over and over and over, and she believes him. Then he broke up with her on Christmas eve and on another occasion and immediately hooks up with his ex and tells her about it!! Then, the other night, I guess she pissed him off and he pulled her hair and yelled at her, and she was driving home and got into a car accident...I don't know what to do - He is totally running her into the ground, and from what I hear, he did the exact same things to his ex, so we know he hasnt changed..She wants him so bad and wants to make it work, but I am scared for her.. Do you guys think this guy is a total dirtbag, and how do I make her see what she is in denial of?! | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:41:13 AM | | She needs to be involved with a group of people more around your ages. Sounds like she doesn't feel to much acceptance in her life and is heading on an abusive path. They say we emulate what we see in our past...if she came from an abusive family she will overlook the flaws this guy has. At 18 she is too young to settle down anyway. If the guys does change, I think that the happiness she would feel will be short lived. She need time for her growth and to improve her life before considering sharing it with another. | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:41:30 AM | YOU CAN NOT make her do anything she doesn't want to do... SHE LOVES this drama...
Let her learn on her own & she'll own the lesson...
You help her do it & she'll blaim you for the reason she's so miserable...
You need to let her handle her own relationships----She is still a "KID" BTW most girls don't grow up until they are about 27 to 30...BUT by then they've got kids & have had more than one type of guy like this & love the drama...
Just pray she don't have a baby with this guy ---HER life would be over... & she would think the baby would keep him there by her side & to change him...
Kahuna- | |
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ya472
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Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 5 | |
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:48:02 AM |
I am worried about her. how do I make her see what she is in denial of?!
It took her 'parent' eighteen years to train her to be this way. What makes you think you will change any of that in weeks or months ?
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shybee
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Joined: 11/18/2006
Msg: 6 | |
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:53:48 AM | | I think that if there are parents anywhere is the picture.....mabe you could inlighten them....they don't have a legal position at her age but maybe some way to get through to her if you as her good friend can't. I'd pull out all the stops to help before it is too late. | |
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kar1
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Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 7 | |
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:56:02 AM | | This guy lied to her and she probably has fallen in love with the fantasy picture he has painted of himself. Everyone knows it's hard to break away from someone you love. It's especially hard to break away when your self esteem has been so badly damaged. | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:58:31 AM |
It took her 'parent' eighteen years to train her to be this way. What makes you think you will change any of that in weeks or months ?
^^^ Oh, dude, that is such utter CRAP! ^^^
People are not puppy dogs that can be trained by their parents into being carbon copies of their values and behaviors! Come on!
Offsprings have their own life to live, and even if a woman comes from a very stable family, she can still suffer the horrors of an abussive boyfriend.
Why? Because succumbing to the abuse is NOT about upbringing, but about the emotional response that HE ellicits from her!
Another poster said that she WANTS this kind of drama, and I think that poster's right. I mean, she's not stupid: she KNOWS, logically, that the guy is a total jerk and may be downright evil, but it's the excitement she feels that's pulling her to him, as well as the fact that she's invested plenty in him and their relationship.
OP: She'll break out of it on her own, but will be very vulnerable when that happens. You just worry about being a good friend ready to catch her when she falls. And avoid the I-told-you-so's ... give tough love because she'll need that most of all, but don't be patronizing. | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:58:36 AM | Whether the guy is a dirtbag, and he obviously is, is not the issue. One of the things that you will discover is that people do not listen until they are ready. Depending on the person, if you tell them something they do not want to hear, they may also get mad at you, you become a threat to the unrealistic world they have created in their mind.
If you have already expressed your concerns there is nothing more you can do except to be there to pick up the pieces when she does wake up and decide that she wants someone that will treat her properly. | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:58:51 AM | | You can tell her what you see and how YOU think it will turn out. You CAN tell her you're not going to be involved with her allowing this to happen to her. Tell her when she walks away from the guy, or needs help getting to a woman's shelter she can call you for help. Until then you've got better things to do than watch her get abused. Then walk away. | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 8:59:43 AM | | OK, think- "make her"?? You cant make anyone do anything. If she is your friend just be there for support. Only she can figure this out. Everyone needs to walk their own path... | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:01:35 AM | Your job, as her friend, your best bet is to be compassionate while emotionally detached - empathetic without being sympathetic. Its most healthy if you remove emotional attachment, for you risk taking on the frustrations of watching a friend make serial bad decisions and feeling helpless to stop it. This is quite stressful - and avoidable on your part.
Its not your job to fix her problems, other than to be there for her, to be supportive when she asks for it. Its not your place to judge her actions or motives, if you wish to be her friend. Repeated efforts to make her listen may well damage your friendship, for she may lash back at you for 'butting into her business', especially if she is angry and frustrated at the time.
She must learn the hard way if she won't listen to the cautionary words of her friends and family. Given her age, its her families job to step in and intervene if they wish. | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:20:41 AM | | It sounds very much like a controller relationship. If so, she is under his drug and unable to be rational. I've talked to some very smart women in the same situation. There is virtually nothing you can do to help them. Read about borderline personality disorder in a book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" to understand just how much of a victim she really is. It's just sad... | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:21:59 AM | | the answer is simpler than you think as a friend you MUST build up her self worth, dont worry about self esteem but with no self worth a person has no value to themselves ... show her she is worthy of a relationship with out abuse. I have been traumatised by my wife who was abused by her brother in her youth as well from her parrents in a negletfull way now she is doing it to me ... fortunatly my self esteem [ there is nothing I cant do or over come ] has carried me through my lack of self worth .. I am still working on my self worth It is a diffuclt thing to build up while keeping a humble attitude. for example personally in my life I can build a building from scratch and every one will tell me how beautiful it is but I only see the faults where I could have done better so I dont feel worthy of recieving the full amount I should be charging for the unit. Wierd hu. I dont know when your friend got beaten down in her youth but at some point she was told she wasnt worth or of value by some one IF she can locate this pinnical event in her life have her reflect to the person who she took this trait from and if she is not TOTALLY excited about who what and where this person is in life she should not follow that person.. if you never want to fly hang arround and think like a bunch of turkeys if you want to fly hang arroung with the eagles.. True eagles will not push you away but will not wait for you to keep up eithor GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE I have abandoned all the turkeys in my life since my wife left and am searching for eagles that wont hold me down you sound like an eagle for your friend keep her close and pull her allong .. at 40 I know very little but at 40 the little I know I am convicted to and it is working for me ... It has taken me too long to type this and if you are in N America and would like to chat my buisness has a toll free # If any of this has been any form of help , insite or wisdome for you . I hope to hear from you and we can chat onthe phone or on line. msn thing if you have audio etc. good luck God bless | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:24:16 AM | | You cannot make the blind see. Best you can do is wit for the crash and end of it, stay out of it until it ends. You can help her see things then, when she is ready to see them. | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:29:17 AM | Sweetie, you can talk to her until you are blue in the face, give advice, try and make her see what a jerk he is, tell her how she can do better, etc, unfortunately, it's a very difficult thing to let go of (when you "love" someone, and can't let it go), even if it's not good for you, (I'm sure she realizes that), but unless she really wants to break from it, and really do all she can to get herself out of her sad situation, there is very little you, or anybody, can do.
She has to do it on her own, she has to want to get help.
It's a sad situation, but as I'm sure you, and most of the world realizes, you can't make a person do something that they aren't ready to do, no matter how harmful it may be for them.
Just continue to lend your support, and give advice, but any attempts at forcing her to change her situation, may be useless.
Hopefully sooner, rather then later, she will wake up.
Good Luck To All.
JJ
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:34:29 AM | Yes he is a dirt bag (kind way of putting it). The only thing you can do as a good friend to her.. is be there for her. I am sure you have told her over and over your views on this. But people only see what they want to see. So the best thing you can do, is to help her pick up the pieces when her world falls apart. That is part of being a best friend, and often the hardest part is watching someone you love destroy them self.
- Suzanne | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:41:56 AM | Simple answer is: You won't - and just pushing her will drive a rift between you and your friend. Remember that old saw about leading a horse to water?
Steve | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 9:44:58 AM | | Actually she's a total dirtbag. She is fully aware of her situation and has an agenda. It's also karma, for all the hearts of nice guys who loved her that she has broken. She played with their hearts and now a player like herself is giving it to her. An 18 year old girl would not be in her situation unless she is promiscuous and wayward. She may be 18 but it looks with her experience she is the equivalent of a 30 year old. What decent woman would allow her boyfriend to cheat on her and physically hurt her regardless of her age? A dirtbag. | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 10:37:52 AM | She is her own person. Whether she's chosen this place for herself out of some masochistic tendency or due to low self-esteem, SHE'S chosen to be where she is and SHE'S choosing to keep going back to him. There's really nothing you can do, and frankly you can't "make" someone do (or see) anything.
A very close friend of mine went through some major chit - alcoholism paired with crazy sexual behavior (would do anybody and wouldn't use condoms)...she then cut her wrists and took a pile of pills and ended up in ICU, looking for the first couple days as though she was going to require a liver transplant. She insisted on going it alone - no counselling etc. Looked like she was getting it together, til she ended up with the major dealer in town, helping him grow his mushrooms and then ending up sharing his daily coke habit. It hurt to watch but I couldn't dictate anything to her. She was an adult like me (and HUGELY intelligent - genius - beautiful inside & out, kind and special). She was my best friend for years. I told her that I loved her too much to watch her destroy herself any longer. Yeah it was hard; for all I knew I'd never see her again, or I'd get an invite to her funeral.
You could go that route, or you can stay at her side and maybe help her pick up the pieces if/when he finally dumps her. But I def wouldn't try to "make her" do or see anything. It never works, and usually just causes resentment and rifts. | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 10:45:54 AM |
how do I make her see what she is in denial of?!
Obviously you have already informed her of his behavior, and given your opinion as to what you think she should do. Now it is time to butt out. Anything further on your part goes beyond friendship and falls into the category of your own personal relationship pathologies. I have friends that are going to save other friends from bad relationships at any costs, even to the point of destroying their friendship with the person. Problem is that they have never had a normal healthy relationship in their own lives. They are going to fix everyone else's relationship in an unconscious effort to maybe feel good about themselves. | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 10:46:12 AM | You are not going to make her see that she is in denial. So you can forget that idea.
To start with it sounds like she has a self-esteem problem. Couple that to the fact that at that age she is likely into drama and playing the victim.
Let me guess. She has been over every detail with you numerous times. Always saying that she is through with him and then hunts him down to get back together with him.
Pretty classic drama queen stuff from what I can gather from your post. | |
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| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 10:53:26 AM |
^^^ Oh, dude, that is such utter CRAP! ^^^
People are not puppy dogs that can be trained by their parents into being carbon copies of their values and behaviors! Come on!
I am sure that there are thousands upon thousands of highly educated Psychologists that might take issue with this statement. People are a product of their upbringing. I don't think there is any debate in the field of psychology about this type of modeled behavior. I agree that even someone with a great upbringing can fall into an abusive relationship. The pathology lies in what each of those persons do within the abusive relationship. At the extreme, there is a much greater chance of staying in an abusive relationship if your parents were involved in one. On the opposite end is those that remove themselves from this type of relationship quickly. | |
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uk28
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Joined: 8/9/2006
Msg: 25 | |
| How do I make her see she is in denial?
Posted: 1/25/2007 11:13:47 AM |
It's also karma, for all the hearts of nice guys who loved her that she has broken
Really? Well, next time you talk to Buddha...will you remind him that he still owes me for a few things? | |
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