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 aurora1
Joined: 12/6/2005
Msg: 1
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Dating a man with an adult daughterPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I want to know if any other woman has experienced this. For 2 years I dated a man with a 25-year-old daughter. She lived with him and completed a 4-year college degree with a teaching credential during that time period. They lived together in an apartment close to her school and he rode his bicycle to work so she could have their one car for her transportation to school and activities. On the weekend he would come to my house. After a wonderful ywo years togt. he asked me to marry him. His only condition was that if he died before me, his daughter would come first. This man owned NOTHING to leave to his daughter, so he was planning on leaving his retirement income only to his daughter. His son would get nothing and his wife would get nothing. I left the relationship 2 years ago, but am still wary of ever again dating a man with a daughter. Does this strike anyone else as strange, or am I out of sync?
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 2
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Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 6:20:24 PM
Yes, I find it strange when a person puts his/her children before a spouse or significant other. If I am going into a relationship with someone, I had better be the priority in his life. I don't do well at being second fiddle.

It's unfortunate that it was two years before this came out. You may very well have found someone else during those two years where the relationship would have had a future.

Tink
 The Lady
Joined: 3/29/2006
Msg: 3
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 6:29:21 PM
I don't find this so strange. I would hope when I go I have enough to leave everyone something, but certainly my children will get the majority. If I have a significant other at the time, they would certainly be entitled to whatever we amassed together, but all else.....belongs to my children.
 goodbait
Joined: 11/6/2006
Msg: 4
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 6:31:41 PM
I have to say if I found someone to share my life with he would have to understand that my daughters come first to me. I don't have much but what I have goes to them. And I would respect a man who loves his kids enough to do the same.
 *tinydancer*
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 5
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 6:45:54 PM
I disagree and don't think it's strange at all. IF I ever get remarried and should I pass away, my kids will get my inheritance over my spouse. I mean, seriously, at this point in my life, my kids have been around longer than he'll ever be.
 five-marie
Joined: 1/23/2007
Msg: 6
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 6:58:54 PM
Why do people leave everything to only one child? I can only imagine how his son is going to feel when he passes away. Other than that, I plan on doing the same. I don't have a lot but what I do have will go to my children. I worked long and hard to hang onto my house for my kids. I wanted to be able to leave them something to make their lives easier. I don't think at our age we can expect anyone to leave us their lives "fortunes" and leave their children out in the cold.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 7
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Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:08:53 PM
OP from the info giving it sounds like the parent had a co dependant relationship with his daughter. Sounds like you had a lucky escape.
 DonInVictoria
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 8
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:10:35 PM
OP "his wife would get nothing. "

Hmm? His ex-wife, or you? (was he married, widowed, or what?)

OP " His only condition was that if he died before me, his daughter would come first. This man owned NOTHING to leave to his daughter, so he was planning on leaving his retirement income only to his daughter."

-he had nothing else, why wouldn't he want to make sure his daughter was taken care of?

The retirement income was a life insurance annuity, then? That's the only one that might have the flexibility for that scenario.

I can't imagine any government or employer's retirement plan allowing for such a provision (heh! the daughter's going to outlive the typical spouse by decades, they'd be very foolish to allow such 'switching' of beneficiaries).

I suspect he'd change his perspective a couple of years into a marriage, but, best not to count on that. You do want to be protected, so getting him to include plain term insurance coverage, say for $500,000 with just you as beneficiary, would have covered your needs upon his passing, I'd imagine.
 coug4
Joined: 3/10/2006
Msg: 9
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:16:10 PM
Frankly, I have no interest in anyones' money but my own. Never did..never will.
 Bowled Over
Joined: 7/7/2006
Msg: 10
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:18:31 PM
I think it would be fairer to say you dating this man with a grown adult daughter would be a scenario, or similiar to, you would want to avoid in the future if it bothered you so much.

I don't see why you would let something as insignifcant as his retirement going to his daughter who'se been in his life for 25 years end your "wonderful two years together". It couldn't have been that wonderful.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 11
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Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:22:11 PM
OP from the info giving it sounds like the parent had a co dependant relationship with his daughter.


That is how I understood the OP's post. I read it as the daughter and her wants and needs would come first before all else in his life.

If you are speaking of inheritance then of course the new spouse or significant other would only be entitled to that which was accumulated after the marriage or common law relationship began.

It sounds to me like this man is letting his daughter rule his world above all else. Hence, my statement about not being a second fiddle.

Oh and coug, I have an interest in your money. LOL

Tink
 dawn1114
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 12
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Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:24:23 PM
You're wary of EVER again dating a man with an adult daughter? After an experience with one man? One man out of approx. three billion? Yes, I think you're out of sync.

What does HIS retirement income have to do with you? You're not young people who worked together to achieve this; it's something from a previous life. There could be a hundred reasons he wanted to do what he did. He may have carefully planned this to be his "estate" for his child/children. Maybe the daughter supported him for a significant time, financially or emotionally. Maybe she has some problems that only a Dad would know about that made him worry about her more than his son. We don't know from this post. You might, but it's not in the post.

Joint assests are another matter. It only seems right that ordinary household stuff should be left to a surviving spouse who honestly doesn't need any added stress and heartbreak during that time.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 13
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Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:30:34 PM
OP if you have married this man, and he died, would you still have been expected to provide a home, and give your car to the daughter?

Nothing wrong with his daughter inheriting a good part of what he had. However, you could have ended up with large expenses for some of his care if he had a long term illness before death. Where would that leave you? while only his daughter inherited.
 markusmarkus
Joined: 1/8/2007
Msg: 14
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:32:13 PM
Yes, I find it strange when a person puts his/her children before a spouse or significant other. If I am going into a relationship with someone, I had better be the priority in his life. I don't do well at being second fiddle.-------------------------------------------------That is totally double standard all the way and shocks me deeply. I had an son at 20 years old one week after my 20th birthday and his mother and I had an apartment of our own. She would give me weird looks when I held my son and was always unhappy about something or other while I was perfectly happy and content with things. I never understood her at all but the family doc said it could be post-natel disorder or something like that so I left her alone about it and just lived. One day she left I came home from work to an people less apartment called my dad and found my son to be there three weeks later she called to say she wasn't coming back. it was many years later til I heard from her again to tell me that she was ashamed to have had an child at 17 years old and that she was jealious of the way I was with my son. In all the profiles here I read from mothers my children come first and I agree with them on that however I also read they don't need an father they already have one but that I disagree with because any man that becomes live in will have to role modal the same as an father does and if the children are young enough will probably end up calling him dad if only to please their friends. How can women placed their children first and not expect an man to do the same thing that is plain wrong heartless and cold. Besides that to the op you have been out of the relationship for two years what are you going on about you left already. Don't be wary of ever getting into an relationship with an father and daughter they are the one's who need to be wary of you interfering with what they have between them.
 MacKevinized
Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 15
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Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:47:16 PM
Claiming any sort of entitlement in a relationship, I find to be a detraction to real love. To measure a man's/woman's character by the quantity of estate is a sure way to foul up a relationship from the beginning and not a very attractive feature in seeking out a peaceful, happy relationship.

Wanting is what bothers us and not having what we want is painful/disturbing.

It's a choice he made and if you don't want the prenuptial agreement, you best find a man willing to agree with how much you want to be in his will.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 16
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Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:50:05 PM
Yes, I find it strange when a person puts his/her children before a spouse or significant other. If I am going into a relationship with someone, I had better be the priority in his life. I don't do well at being second fiddle.-------------------------------------------------That is totally double standard all the way and shocks me deeply.


Sorry, I don't see where "double standard" comes into this. You go on to describe a situation where your child was/is an infant. The OP was discussing a 25 year old child. At 25 years old I would consider this child to be an adult and would expect her to be independent of her father's support. Somewhere along the line the apron strings really do have to be cut.

I chose not to have children. I would expect at my advanced age of 54 years, children should not be an issue in any relationship on which I may choose to embark. If the children haven't cut the apron strings, then I have no interest in pursuing a relationship with their father. Hence, I had better be the priority in his life - I don't do well at being second fiddle.

Tink
 lilorphanannie
Joined: 12/22/2006
Msg: 17
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Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:55:43 PM
Not strange at all.....some men are literally married to their daughters....maybe the car was actually hers....maybe the apartment was paid for by her...who knows.....just chalk it up to father's married to their daughters....You did the right thing....just don't look back....
 RapunzelRapunzel
Joined: 5/18/2005
Msg: 18
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 8:04:07 PM
I believe the operative word here is "adult." I've always admired those who raise independent, self-starters who are actively involved and aware of the sacrifices their parents made for them. Sadly, this is VERY rare in the men I've dated with older kids. I see them handing over their whole lives to selfish brats who complain, roll their eyes, and abuse the privileges they've been given. One of my last major relationships ended because of three adult children (ages 19-25.) They continue to break up every relationship my ex-boyfriend becomes involved in, and he allows it. I am so glad to be out of all that.

Small kids? Sure, big time involvement, not much time for romance, so I tend to just become friends with those Dads and their kids but I do NOT settle for a "second-fiddle" situation. Sorry, but I am in complete accord with the fact that this is my life and my adventure and if I cannot have a passionate committed relationship with a lover (which is different from a parent/child relationship though so many parents cannot make the distinction) then I'll hang with my single friends.

If I ever do marry again I'm going to make sure the home is mine and my finances stay secure and in my name. I would never put myself in the situation of depending on a man or his family to respect me or care about my well being if he croaked. I'm far too jaded and I know my devotion probably would not mean squat in the long run.
 DonInVictoria
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 19
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 8:11:44 PM
OP "Somewhere along the line the apron strings really do have to be cut.

I chose not to have children. I would expect at my advanced age of 54 years, children should not be an issue in any relationship on which I may choose to embark."


-fine for you, but, his circumstances are very different. Perhaps part of his appeal, was even the fact of his having been a 'family' man, versus having lived as a lifelong bachelor.


In essence his perspective was that of using a "pre-nuptial", to protect existing 'family' for an upcoming marriage, and in the face of limited financial resources.

Any further earnings as well as the family home, would I imagine become yours by default in the absence of a will or other agreement (state/provincial laws vary on this point, there's usually a set formula, 1/3rd to the widow is I think the minimum for an estate situation).

He was open about it, and it seems reasonable enough, to me anyway, but it's your perspective that counts. To have concluded such a financial arrangement was distasteful from your perspective was entirely a personal choice on your part.

Seems very unlikely to come up again, unless another adult child is being doted upon by the father of similarly limited financial resources, that you're eyeballing as a future mate.
 tinkerbellcgy
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 20
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Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 8:21:59 PM
In essence his perspective was that of using a "pre-nuptial", to protect existing 'family' for an upcoming marriage, and in the face of limited financial resources.


I have no objection to pre-nuptial agreements. For heaven sakes, I have spent many of my working years in family/matrimonial/divorce law.


Any further earnings as well as the family home, would I imagine become yours by default in the absence of a will or other agreement (state/provincial laws vary on this point, there's usually a set formula, 1/3rd to the widow is I think the minimum for an estate situation).


All assets become the joint property of the husband and wife at the date of either cohabitation or marriage. There does not necessarily have to be a "set formula" for the division of estate property. The widow/widower can very well be entitled to 100% UNLESS it is stipulated otherwise in some form of agreement whether it be a Will or Pre-Nuptial or Post-Nuptial Agreement.

By the way, you're quoting me as being the OP, I am not. I am merely stating my opinion on the subject.

Tink
 elusive_1
Joined: 9/12/2006
Msg: 21
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 8:36:55 PM
well, my children will always come first, any man i could possibly become involved with would have to understand that, im not saying that i wouldnt consider the mans point on things, but your kids ARE your legacy.
 ya472
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 22
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 8:57:45 PM
so he was planning on leaving his retirement income only to his daughter. His son would get nothing and his wife would get nothing.


WIFE won't get anything ? Is that your main concern ?

Then buy:

TERM LIFE INSURANCE What is wrong with people.... ??? Make sure you buy a policy and name your husband as beneficiary. (I don't know many women who would even consider this! )

It is a cheap expense, especially in the short term. What really concerns me is his desire to leave everything to his daughter, not his SON !

As a single parent, I know I am tempted to do the same, but also realized, though I might not feel as 'close' to my sons, they are equally important members of my family.

My ex-wife was listed as beneficiary of my work Insurance Policy, but I no longer work there. Otherwise, for my kids benefit, she would probably deserve an equal portion. I don't need the damn money, and to play 'games' with inheritances is despicable. In most cases, after a long illness or residence in a home, there probably won't be anything left if I live for another 30-35 years.

But, to get over the short term, buy Term Life Insurance people !

(EDIT If I married again, I would buy a second policy exclusively for my wife and she would also have a policy listing me as beneficiary, as I think her 'estate' should go to her kids. The longer the relationship last, it would be something to review and likely change.)

(disclaimer: And no, I don't sell insurance or own insurance stocks - LOL )

Edit: To the OP. If you need income so bad, if your hubby dies and leaves you nothing, you can remarry ! Lots of men are LOOKING !
 Sistermary
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 23
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 9:04:07 PM
Hmmm, I get it - a subsequent spouse is not as important as the first spouse. Uh-huh. I can't say it would crank my tractor to be sloppy seconds.

I have adult children. They KNOW that if I re-marry or co-habit with someone, that someone will inherit when I go. That's how it is. I will NOT treat my partner with any less consideration than if he was the children's father. After all, if I was still married to their father and died, he would inherit everything. What's the difference? I have provided for my children in the past and they now lead productive lives. They are not waiting around for me to croak so they can have a few bucks. In my last LTR, my Will left everything to him should he survive me (sadly, he did not). My kids knew all about it and were fine with it.

I don't understand this whole thing with the adult kids - for me it's cut and dried - if I'm in it, I'm all the way and my kids would be backing me.
 DonInVictoria
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 24
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 9:17:39 PM
msg 23 "if I was still married to their father and died, he would inherit everything. What's the difference?"

Ah, he's their biological father, that's the 'difference', so, while he would inherit, he would also 'look out' for them more than some stranger who looked at them as being unrelated adults, almost strangers, and not part of 'family'.

family first

msg 8 "You do want to be protected, so getting him to include plain term insurance coverage, say for $500,000 with just you as beneficiary,"
 ya472
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 25
Dating a man with an adult daughter
Posted: 1/28/2007 9:27:35 PM

a subsequent spouse is not as important as the first spouse. Uh-huh. I can't say it would crank my tractor to be sloppy seconds.


The original parent is the biological parent and will still invest in the childrens future. If one of the children becomes ill or injured, or abandoned by their spouse, they will turn to their parents, whenever possible.

Therefore, I would want to be sure the mother of my children, was offered some resource.


What has the sloppy second wife brought into the picture? She has probably brought her liabilities and her feeling of abandonment from her 1st, 2nd and likely third relationship, before she GOT TO ME ! She likely has NO investment or interest in caring for my children.

In my opinion, Term Life Insurance is a great bridging finance tool, until the new marriage becomes established, and to see if she can survive in this 'family' committment.

Trust is earned and learned.
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