| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/30/2007 10:12:06 PM | Here's the situation:
I met a wonderful younger woman (7 years younger, which means she's 22) at a place where we had once worked together. I've moved on to another job, but we remain in touch. We live about 15-20 minutes apart, depending on traffic. A few months ago, I asked her out to a movie which I knew she'd want to see, and she accepted. We watched the movie, and were talking afterward about various decorating schemes for our independant bedrooms (odd topic, but totally innocent), and she mentioned that she could only decorate half of her room, because she "has to share it with someone." Because she'd recently graduated college, and had talked about her younger sister previously, I asked if she was living with her sis... no, she's living with her boyfriend of the past two years!
Odd. Okay, so we just went out as friends, I'm disappointed, but can deal with it. After all, we have a ton of stuff in common, and always have a great time around one another.
The next day we're both working, she keeps coming over to see me, just to say hi. My supervisor mentions something to me about her coming over alot (he was fine with it, and even congratulated me on the oddity). This was pretty much the case for the remaining 4 weeks before I switched to my new job.
About 2 weeks ago, she was studying for a test to get a local liscense to teach, and asked (at the last minute) if I could help her study. I explained that I'd already made plans which were dependant on other people, so I might be free if others forgot. She accepted it, and mentioned that if I was unavailable to help her study, she might just get sidetracked and end up going out to meet her boyfriend, who would be hanging out with his friends at a bar. Hmm, so she invited me over when her bf wouldn't be home, and intentionally made me aware of the fact. Still just friends, no problem. (And everyone else remembered the plan for the night, so I didn't get together with her.)
She'd mentioned that her favorite restaurant was pretty near my house, and we went out tonight. Her boyfriend knew she came out with me (turned out to be a pretty spendy place, and she offered to chip in with the cost, but I wasn't going to let her pay for anything!), and she even accepted an offer to see another movie before going home; she picked the movie, knowing that it would cut into the time she'd get to spend with her boyfriend tonight.
The facts are that she has very little schedule overlap with her boyfriend, and pointed out to me that her schedule and mine are almost identical. Any time she mentions her bf, she talks about the things he's bought for her... but never about anything they'd done together, excpet for seeing this movie (she liked it so much that she'd wanted to see it again with me). They've been together for over 2 years, and have a few common passions. He seems to go out of town alot, and went on a week long vacation without her, leaving her alone for Christmas and New Years.
So, am I stranded as being a friend, am I being used, or as someone else suggested to me, is she maybe looking for a "safety net" before letting go of this current relationship? My current thought is to continue hanging out with her, keep my options open (I'm on here, still contacting people for dates), but not to cement myself into the "friend zone," if I can help it. Is this a safe plan, an overly safe plan, or a waste of time?
* I fully understand that none of you are the woman I'm asking about, and any answers I receive will only be opinions, and not actual facts upon which I should totally base any decisions. * | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/30/2007 10:33:23 PM |
She'd mentioned that her favorite restaurant was pretty near my house, and we went out tonight. Her boyfriend knew she came out with me (turned out to be a pretty spendy place, and she offered to chip in with the cost, but I wasn't going to let her pay for anything!), and she even accepted an offer to see another movie before going home; she picked the movie If you're paying for everything it doesn't seem like a terribly balanced "friendship", seems more like you're trying to win her over by spending money on her.
The facts are that she has very little schedule overlap with her boyfriend, and pointed out to me that her schedule and mine are almost identical. Any time she mentions her bf, she talks bout the things he's bought for her... but never about anything they'd done together, excpet for seeing this movie (she liked it so much that she'd wanted to see it again with me). They've been together for over 2 years, and have a few common passions. He seems to go out of town alot, and went on a week long vacation without her, leaving her alone for Christmas and New Years. Maybe you found yourself a real "material girl".
So, am I stranded as being a friend, am I being used, or as someone else suggested to me, is she maybe looking for a "safety net" before letting go of this current relationship? My current thought is to continue hanging out with her, keep my options open (I'm on here, still contacting people for dates), but not to cement myself into the "friend zone," if I can help it. Is this a safe plan, an overly safe plan, or a waste of time? Who knows what she's looking for. The behaviour that would concern me is yours. She's in a relationship. By taking her out on dates you are failing to respect that. She's got someone and you should give her space to sort out whether she wants to stay with that or not, not get involved in the way you are. Wait until she's actually free. If you're any kind of friend then you know full well that the "friendzone" is the only place to be whilst she's in a relationship and it's highly irresponsible of you to cross that line in any way. if you want to be a friend, meet her boyfriend: stop 'dating' her and planning to get your sticky mitts on her. Sorry that turned into a slight rant but I think your behaviour is emotionally irresponsible as you can contribute to breaking up an existing relationship. | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/30/2007 10:51:42 PM | I don't think you're stranded. The worst thing that could happen is that she's just your friend, that's the basis for any relationship. As your friendship develops, hopefully she'll see you as a better option. If she doesn't, that's allright, you've got a good female friend to use as a sounding board with questions you may have about other women.
Let's say she left her boyfriend and started dating you. Where is she going to live? Do you want her to move in? Do you want her to? Are you prepared to be the "transitional man" between the bf and the next guy? Do you want to be with someone who is settling for less than what they deserve, what does that say about her?
I have a feeling, and I'm sure you do too, that she is unhappy in her current relationship and doesn't want to leave, for whatever reason. You need to decide how emotionally invested you want to get. If you go past the friendship level on your side, you always have the option of telling her how you feel. I know that I've had deep feelings for someone and never told them. They died suddenly and I grieved more knowing they didn't know how I felt, regardless of how they felt about me. I've also lost "friends" because I told them how much I cared, but I felt better knowing that I was being honest with myself, and they would always know that someone loved them.
I say, step up and tell her how you feel about her. The best thing that could happen is that she feels the same, leaves her bf, gets her own place and starts dating you. If you know what you want, go and get it cause you'll never know what would have happened if you don't. Good luck! | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/30/2007 10:53:41 PM | Are you looking for the okay to take another guy's gal?? Sorry. Once you knew she was taken - you knew what you were in for. Also, say you succeed at her dumping him, what's to say whe would not play you the same way she did him?
Or, are you looking to be the piece on the side with no other benefits?
Either way, you gotta back off her - you seem to be headed straight to misery town. | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/31/2007 4:07:26 AM | It's obvious she is setting you up...for what? is the question
She could be done with her current relationship and looking for her safety net...a man to be there because she is going to need a place to stay when she leaves him...if she leaves him....you seem like a guy willing to do anything to be with her...including helping her cheat on her current relationship...your actions show her you like her....and she could use that to her advantage...she likes that he buys her things...the fact she mentioned this to you was to let you know she will want you to buy her things as well...if she goes to you....
other option is she's bored in her relationship but doesn't want to let it go....so she wants some side action....is that what you wish to be to her???? nothing more than a friend with benefits...and remember she does have a boyfriend...what happens when he goes after you in a jealous rage? and honestly if you cheat with her, and maybe one day she goes with you...do you honestly want to be with someone who would cheat on someone they say they care for? what makes you think she won't do it to you when she's bored with you
maybe he doesn't care...maybe they are going to invite you into their bedroom...for a threesome....who knows
what you have to do is ask yourself what you want her to be to you....sounds like you have it bad for this girl, while she only sees you as a friend or whatever she is doing for you...you want more, you can't have it at this time....my advice and i doubt you will take it...is to back off...don't be available for her...keep it light...like lunch or coffee to catch up, nothing more...tell her you're seeing someone or talking to someone...she will either up the anty and tell you what's up, or she won't care and will look for a replacement.... | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/31/2007 5:03:43 AM | some women do have male friends they
could be pretty close to and its fine...what concerns
me is the one time she seemed to
invite you over when her bf wasnt home. it could be innocent
but raises a red flag for me. i'm not judgmental
and if you want to be involved
with someone who's already involved its your affair but
you need to ask yourself if you're willing
to take all the risks. | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/31/2007 5:35:03 AM | My gut would be to say she's using you as a friend. What I mean is she knows you like her, and she's taking advantage of it to have someone to spend time with when her boyfriend isn't available, and pay for her dinners and movies.
I have no idea why you wouldn't let her pay, I guess you're trying to impress her with what a nice guy you are. Don't bother she either likes you or she doesn't. And if she's really the material type, you don't want her anyway.
Back off, and see what happens. | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/31/2007 8:36:10 AM | I would not even care to pursue a friendship with this person. She is using you, and using her boyfriend. Ask yourself why he is not threatened by you. Because, she has told him she doesn't like you that way. Sorry to be so harsh, but there it is.
She is unhappy with the level of attention and lack of things in common she has with her boyfriend. She needs to communicate this to him in a more direct way than stepping out with you. Had you been friends before this relationship, it would be different. But she pursued your friendship and hid her status. She is approaching you at work, so she's initiating the contact.
If you did manage to win her over or even win by default, do you really want to be with a girl who would spend her spare time with another guy, rather than you? Who won't try to talk about problems and work through them? Also, she failed to tell you about her "roomate" who just happens to be her boyfriend FOR TWO YEARS. I see here someone who is not honest on any level. Move on to someone who is worthy of you. | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/31/2007 9:30:54 AM | I guess I'm the only one who doesn't see anything wrong with anything the girl has done. She's made it clear from the beginning that she has a boyfriend. They obviously trust each other because he knows she hangs out with you sometimes, and she doesn't have a problem with him taking vacations with his buds. I don't see that she's hidden anything from you. The only thing I would question about her actions is you always paying. I assume you're paying for the movies too?
I do, however, question your actions. It seems clear that you're not interested in being just a friend to her. And she's involved. And really, hanging around and looking for red flags in another's relationship, in the hopes that you'll be there to pick up the pieces, is just sad. | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/31/2007 9:42:20 AM | ~OP~ You've been in the friend-zone the entire time. I'm not sure what all this "she's using you" stuff is about, but it reads to me that she has been very clear about her personal life. She has a boyfriend. That's all you should need to know.  | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/31/2007 10:19:56 AM | Sounds like she is more interested in what a guy can do for her--buy her dinner & things, help her study. What has she done for you?
But all that does not matter...she has a boyfriend. You're encroaching on someone else's turf. That's what is important right now.
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/31/2007 10:37:16 AM | This is just to clarify why I came to the conclusion she was using him. Please don't think I'm starting an argument or anything....to be honest, at first my opinion was a gut reaction. Your questions made me doubt my position so I reread the post to be certain I was being logical.
It seems she only contacts him when she needs something. She should have let him know about the boyfriend at the beginning, when he asked her to the movies. This is a new friendship which needs a stricter definition as he is of the opposite sex and she is attached. For that reason she should be paying her own way . Him paying for almost everything just smacks more of dating......The fact she sees him only when her boyfriend is not around and the friendship does not include the boyfriend....it seems very unethical.
In no way do I frown upon friendships between men and women. I have them myself, and would fight to keep any existing friendship. However, I would be very cautious about any new friendships I entered into, as there could be misunderstandings. I won't allow myself to be dictated to, but I wouldn't meet trouble halfway either. If your relationship is important, it's worth considering your partners feelings, surely..... | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 1/31/2007 12:45:28 PM | OP-- It could be any of the things and a zillion others not mentioned above. I will put this out though, based on human psychology:
Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Keep that in mind as you down what ever road you travel with her.
Has she had a guy friend as a "safety" that moved into the boyfriend spot?
Does she always have a live-in and they "drift-apart" because of schedules?
Does she pick out her next boyfriend before she dumps current boyfriend?
Can you, if you move onto the first string, deal with the knowloedge that she probably has a second string player picked out?
Hey! Good luck with this! | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 3/7/2008 4:47:17 AM | Dude, you should lay it out there. If you find this woman physically, emotionally, behaviorally, intellectually attractive. Just tell her. Explain why you think and feel the way you do. Be honest. Bring attention to your common interests. If she is a reasonable, rational person, she will tell you what she thinks and feels. Simple enough.
If not, what are you doing? Seems to me your beating yourself up over this. Or maybe you like misery. Or maybe your just fishing for sympathy. In my opinion, it's one sided. If the lady wanted you as her best friend, confidante', soul-mate, AND lover she would drop the barfly and snuggle up to you. If you can't stomach a platonic relationship, then move on. That's why they call this joint ...Plenty of Fish. | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 3/7/2008 5:25:24 AM | Poster, this gal seems to want to know you....not sure her approach(still with boyfriend)is so hot. Perhaps she just is not strong enough to break up with him OR she would like to see if there is interest on your part before she does break up with him. However, the facts stand, she is still with the bf.
So, like it was suggested...next time you're together...ask her what's up.....don't beat around about it...just ask. Then respond from there. Good luck!! :) | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 3/7/2008 6:29:29 AM | Why do people bring back threads from over a year ago when there's obviously nothing more to say about the specifics?......... 
It's not like there aren't a million new stories out there to tell..... all saying the same thing...
"I like her, but she has a live in boyfriend.... is she just using me?" ugh.....
Nobody uses you when you're completely aware of the circumstances.
My take? She thinks the OP is gay. | |
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N*Love
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Joined: 2/22/2008
Msg: 18 | |
| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 3/7/2008 8:05:28 AM | One thing that made me shrug was: Am I being used?
HOw??
You enjoy each others company... you care about her...and if nothing else develops you got her as a great friend...and trully that is what you are right now...you are aware of that and you stated that you don't have a problem with it... due to the reasons stated above...
Sure you can hope that this relationship will lead further into more intimacy however it would be naive and manipulatory for you to hang with her expecting this down the road....
Hence my question : How are you being used? did i perhaps just answered my question.
Op.. You gotta walk before you run... what's the hurry...both of you are enjoying the time spent together. | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 3/7/2008 2:29:37 PM |
Why do people bring back threads from over a year ago when there's obviously nothing more to say about the specifics?
My thoughts exactly. Thanks for wasting my time, assclowns. | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 3/7/2008 3:49:15 PM | here's your pop psychology:
My pop used to tell me guys like you were chumps.You're nothing more than her ace in the hole for when "bf" isn't entertaining her.
Move on dude. She's just not into you (to ever be her "bf") | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 3/8/2008 10:06:53 AM |
Why do people bring back threads from over a year ago when there's obviously nothing more to say about the specifics?
My thoughts exactly. Thanks for wasting my time, assclowns.
Why didn't YOU READ the date it was first posted?
Seems you showed who the assclown is... | |
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| Need some pop psychology
Posted: 3/8/2008 5:11:14 PM | Why didn't YOU READ the date it was first posted?
MY POINT, is that if you're gonna resurrect a thread from over a year ago, make sure it's not specific to something happening in the now....
As far as anyone is concerned, this whole dealio is moot. Hard to add anything to the OT, since it's not relevant anymore.
Anyone want to try to bring it back into something any of us cares about NOW????? | |
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