| Something I was told about the "average guy"on site
Posted: 2/1/2007 7:09:52 PM | Hi Guys-I was told by a male member of POF something that is having me seriously thinking of giving up on the whole idea of online dating.
I had asked this person a question about whether or not a woman's profile can make her sound intimidating to guy.things like her education,work experience,or by simply being too honest.
The response I got back went something like this... Lorie,Youre making me laugh at you!-don't you know that most of the guys online don't care a bit about what you have done or what you do-quit taking things like the site and these guys so personally.They don't give darn about anything personal-they want get sex,Basically no one is here to actually have any kind of personal relationship. He proceeded to tell me that I was a hoot, which of course,tells me alot about his sense of what he thinks is funny.Like sincerity and honesty,and trying to be specific about what I am looking for,are qualities that are wasted on sites like this.
Mostly,I asked the wrong person for advice,and wasted my time.But the nagging thing is that "what if he is right?"
Is there a point in hanging in here,or do infact most men see this as a joke on women?Its a sickening thing to have heard this from someone I felt was somewhat trustworthy.I was pretty angered and upset at such negative remarks comming from a man in my own age group.
GUys,am I wasting my time here?Is is pointless to pick up an IM because I am just being "hit"on,and being a stupid fish?
Its really disillusioning, from what I was told last night.Please give me your input.Thankyou! | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 7:17:00 PM | There are tens and tens of thousands of guys on this site. Each one is a distinct individual with a distinct personality, history, agenda.
Most, of course, want sex. Just like most women. It's natural. It's human. I don't believe most want JUST sex. Some are at a time in their lives when sex is a priority, for some it's a relationship, for some it's a toss-up - either would be fine with the right person.
Take your friend's opinion about what the "average" guy wants with a grain of salt. I don't buy it.
Edit: Oops. This is Ask A Guy. Sorry. I jumped too fast. | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 7:17:18 PM | a lot of guys are just here for sex...but there are some of us that are sincere in what we want and honest about it...choose carefully is my only advice.
some men are genuine, and it takes time and patience to find us...but i believe that a good healthy relationship is worth the effort.
good luck to you...and everyone else. | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 7:18:17 PM | well im not average anything...but ill take a stab at it.
First online is just like real life...only with more reading....so there are men who are just like your pal suggested...here to get laid by any and all means...just like in the non-cyber world.
there are also men who like you are looking for more...
Sadly there is little way to tell the differance other than getting to know each person on some level.
As for some of the other comments...i think you will find that men in general are not concernd with how much money you make, your education etc....these tend to be things that women value us men for ...not the other way around.
Should you continue to stay here? Why not?
As for answering IM's..personally i turn that off...i like to know who im talking to before just blindly chatting with someone.
The real lesson in this ..."you came here and youre looking for more..right?..dont you think that there are men who are the same?"
And take it from me...there are men who are looking for more...im one of them.
And just an aside...all men are looking for sex..just some want more than "just that".
Good Luck! | |
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mizbex
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Joined: 12/17/2006
Msg: 5 | |
| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 7:28:38 PM | I don't think that all men are on here for sex, sure some are but not all. However to your point about being intimidating to men, I do think there a lot of those and not just on this site. Earlier this month a man was intimidate by the car I drive and just this week I was talking to a man who told me "You are very sophisticated, I can tell from your profile and very intellingent and I am not sure I can measure up to you, what do you see in a guy like me?" Now, where do you go from there? Instant turn off. He was basically telling me, He didn't think he was good enough and if you don't think you are good enough, how do you expect anyone else to? It gets very frustrating because rather than being yourself you almost have to play yourself down to men, so you won't intimidate them. I wish I could find a strong confident man who didn't feel the need to compare himself to anyone and was comfortable in his own skin. Well, a girl can dream. Because I don't plan on playing it down or being fake for anyone. | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 7:31:45 PM | Let me adjust the perspective here.
Yes, there are LOTS of men looking for a relationship. And they've been looking for a long time. A lot of good ones too that don't get many emails because they aren't "exciting" or "attractive" in whatever way that women are looking for.
Personally, I don't really give a crap about education or work experience. That means almost absolutely nothing to me. Those are things that women often look for in men, and that's concerning. I'm not hiring, I'm dating.
I do want someone that looks good, is nice, sweet and has a good heart, AND willing to accept me/get to know me. That's nearly impossible to find.
Now, it's no secret that men like sex. Typically, we like to think about it, talk about it, and actually do it.
Smart guys know that they can't bring it up right away. This is dishonesty. A guy has to pretend he's sexually uninterested at first. I don't know why women don't like it, I even made a huge thread about it, and I still can't see that perspective....but there it is. This makes it REALLY difficult to tell the difference between a player and an honest man, because the player will fake love and romance to get sex.
The honest guy looking for sex gets tossed aside. The guy who's honest and looking for sex AND a relationship gets tossed aside too. I don't know who made these rules, but I don't think it came from this gender. You could have someone who's awesome, he brings up sex too early, oops, back into the dating pool. Where did this guy screw up? He was too honest, too early.
Lets put it this way, you'll get approached a LOT more here then you would in public. The difference is, now you can see the thoughts of the guys who don't say anything in public. (And believe me, they're thinking it in public, but social graces and shyness tell us not to do anything about it. It's easier to be brave behind a computer screen.) So, it skews the percentage of people who are being honest or not, when in reality, it's just the same out there than it is in here.
Take a proactive role and write guys that YOU think are interesting. That works a lot better. And it works....if he finds you attractive.
Edit: Joining this site does not guarantee you ANYTHING. A lot of people treat online dating like shopping for a mate and get upset when they can't find what they're looking for, and it's not that way at all. It just speeds the process of contacting people. And you have to remember it's people that you'd likely not meet anywhere else. | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 7:47:16 PM | All guys probably want it to end up in a bedroom... some want to (or are willing to) wait untile there's some rings on fingers.
Thats the short version.
Long version is that there are men who will give you the respect you deserve. There are also men on here who will do what ever it takes to get a one nighter out of you.
Frogs and toads... hard to tell the difference without seeing them in person. | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 7:50:49 PM | OP,
I'm very sorry for any pain or confusion you feel.
The guy you spoke to was very ill-informed about life
and didn't do you any favors by casting the seeds of
doubt into your mind. The guy spoke only from his
own narrow minded perspective. Do not take anything
he has said, or will say to you to heart.
Mostly,I asked the wrong person for advice,
There's a slim chance that he isn't
"dumber than a sack of hammers",
but I wouldn't count on him for any
informed advice.
and wasted my time.
The only way you'd be wasting your time,
is if you just up and quit. This is the best
site EVER! There are 1.2 million members,
and most of them are great groovy people.
I didn't check your profile to see what your
search status is. But, you will find what you're
looking for beyond your wildest dreams.
I met my soon-to-be wife on this site, and I've
never been happier.
But the nagging thing is that "what if he is right?"
Nope...
He's a dumbass | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 8:11:13 PM | | I gotta love it when a women ask's a guy a question and another women answers for him LOL,, Because you have been told by a guy what all other guys are on here for, I cant yell at you for stating something so awful. Im not going to say that some guys or even a lot of guys are all about the sex, same as women I would guess. However you take the good with the bad, while there are some people who just want sex, there are some who really do want a relationship. I think you’re a smart women and probably already know this, and hope not naive to think that its just limited to guys. If you truly are looking for someone on this site, I think you will be satisfied,, this is as good if not better then any other site I’ve been on and I’ve been on some pretty expensive ones to, and you have your jerks there to. So chin up and keep looking. | |
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e-wok
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Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 8:20:25 PM | He sounds like he was trying to belittle you and at the same time
was trying to dash your hopes. The gist of the letter seems to
be very harsh and the question is not whether he's right, but
why he's trying to manipulate you into thinking that above all
men he's the special one.
I'm sure there are plenty of guys here who look for sex and I'm
certain equal the number "out there" but why this guy thinks
this place is especially bad is beyond me....is he dating these men too?? How
would he know?
Ditch the loser and find some healthy and positive men to chat
with.
Lorie,Youre making me laugh at you!-don't you know that most of the guys online don't care a bit about what you have done or what you do-quit taking things like the site and these guys so personally.They don't give darn about anything....
Dude, if you're reading this, you are an utter loser...go get some help for your
loneliness and bitterness and stop hurting people just because you're
unhappy. | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 8:30:09 PM | Mostly,I asked the wrong person for advice,and wasted my time
Yes he was the wrong person, he doesn't speak for the majority of men on this site. I do admire the fact you sought an answer intead of just drawing a blanket assumption. That says a lot about you OP, seems you are a fair person who doesn't jump to conclusions.
Your profile does get noticed, it is just some chose not to read them like your friend. who appears to be here just for sex, at least he was honest with himself.
I am not intimdated by different levels of affluence and intelligence, thankfully we all have the ability to love regardless of those factors. The world of dating online/offline can be a gamble, but as anything else in order to be fair to yourself, you should explore all options availible. The good thing is there are many looking for someone who will excite them mentally and sexually as well as emotionaly.
Good Luck
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 8:33:05 PM | I asked the wrong person for advice,and wasted my time.But
No "buts". You're right. That's his reality, not yours. Don't buy into his and let it divert you.
Remember, you're not looking for "most of the guys online", you're looking for *one* person. You're weeding through all the frogs to find the prince.
I don't plan on playing it down
mizbex, you don't have to. That gent you spoke about was obviously insecure. Why feel any need to play down to insecure people? Again, you're only looking for one person, and these other folks all easily show you they're not him.
In a way, all these guys are making the journey easier, not harder. They're identifying themselves as not "The One", rather than being misleading or vague about it, which in turn makes it faster and easier for you to say "Next!". | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 8:41:20 PM | | I would definitely have to disagree with his opinion though I'm not normally called average... smart ass, ass hole, weird, ETC. but not normal. Personally I would put more about your interests and what you are looking for in your profile then about what you do for a living. I don't believe people are defined by what they do for a living and what you are trying to do in a profile is tell people about who you really are not what you do to make money. I came here looking for a relationship not a quick sexual partner. Now at some point in the course of the relationship I'm sure sex will come into the equation and Id be lying if I said I wouldn't enjoy that too. But sex without a relationship is a little like eating cotton candy... its fun while you have it but once you are done it leaves you feeling a bit empty. | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 8:48:46 PM | | the average guy is not just interested in sex, yes we do care about it but it is not the only thing we are interested in. some of us are truely interested in finding someone to spend the rest of our lives with. i for one think i have found someone special but she keeps putting me off, i am uncertain why becuase she says she is interested but i cant pin her to a time or place to meet maybe women just think that sex is the only thing because secretly you want us guys to be pervs so you can have a reason to just mess with our minds. that is just my ideas but maybe you can tell me otherwise. thanx | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 8:49:20 PM |
I gotta love it when a women ask's a guy a question and another women answers for him LOL
I know. We're incorrigible. I did apologize, though, and I will again. Sorry about that. | |
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| not waisting time... just not using ur time right
Posted: 2/1/2007 9:13:16 PM | irl too.... we're jerks. sorry it's life. we wanna fu*k you first.... not date or be friends with you afterwards. we just wanna get off with you. it's up to you to grow on us till we look at you as more then an object.
internet has nothing to do with it. we don't care what you do or think or care about or how u feel or any of that sh*t. it's only after a few weeks of chasing you women around do we start caring about that other stuff.
ur decription and interests have no bearing on the initial meet. we just pretend it does so u don't think we're pigs and then we still stand a chance of gettin in ur panties.
don't bother caring about a guy for the first couple weeks cause he doesn't care about you. we need to be tricked into it. | |
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| not waisting time... just not using ur time right
Posted: 2/1/2007 9:20:56 PM | Again... we are not all jerks as the above.
Some of us care about the person we are with.
Sometimes we care too much too fast which can also be scary to someone that has been hurt before.
This site is sort of like the high school hallways on steroids... Packed with screaming kids. Cheerleaders, jocks, nerds and wallflowers.
There's bullies who really deserve whatever misery they bring upon themselves.
And... there's the occasional princess and knight.
Be the princess... find your knight. | |
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arri
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Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 19 | |
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| not waisting time... just not using ur time right
Posted: 2/1/2007 9:50:50 PM | No doubt about it, there are lots of guys on here looking for sex or sex chat. But there are also a lot of great guys as well. Do not close your profile, or change it to make it less "intimidating", because they will not be the ones you will be compatible with in the end anyway. You will hopefully meet people that share similar interests, sense of humour, and a comfort level (that's what you want) by keeping your profile the way "you want it".
And this gives you a better chance to weed out the ones you don't want...but for the record, don't jump to quick in your decisions. I email back everyone, and usually try to deter them in whatever aspect of my life I think they would "not" be a good fit, or are not what I am looking for, some have surprised me, and by further emails, I find, wow, I have a lot more in common with this person than I thought!
And don't give out your msn to them until you've established a comfortable enough rapport!
Good luck! | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 10:14:10 PM |
I know. We're incorrigible. I did apologize, though, and I will again. Sorry about that.
Oh no need to appoligize,, I wasnt trying to be a a$$, im glad that women give there point of view on these subjects. Reason I find it funny is an older man that lives near me is a pretty funny guy, and he always says "If you want to know what im thinking ask my wife",, thats why it is funny to me, nothing to do with you.. sorry for misunderstanding. | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 10:17:06 PM | GUys,am I wasting my time here?Is is pointless to pick up an IM because I am just being "hit"on,and being a stupid fish?
Yes! Now what?
Take it easy, you are not going to find your future husband here. See it from a statistical point of view, this site is nothing else than walking on a very busy boulevard around noon and seeing all these people passing by. What are the chances that your next husband is among them? Almost none. What are the chances that some very interesting person is among them? Quite significant...
This site is flooded with the anonymous hapless unsatisfied men and women you can find anywhere on a metropolitan place on this planet. The only interesting twist is that their real side comes out very very easily because of the comforting anonymity. They don't have to fall back to predetermined behavior patterns that a real life meeting will force on them...
...your task is to use the neurons between your ears to quickly weed out those and find the real ones that will want sex and something more... | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/1/2007 10:24:21 PM | Lorie1,
I speak for myself and other men like me (if those men who might agree will allow me to).
1. Yes, we really don't care off the back what you do for a living, where you came from, or other information we might think doesn't tell us who YOU are. We don't define you by your job (there are some hookers with a heart of gold that I would love to take of the streets, and some rich women with hearts blacker than coal, that I would personally push into a vat of acid and close the lid). However, that does not mean we don't want to know that after we can get a dialog going with you.
2. We DO care about your personality traits. That you are family orientated or just looking for a good time. We do care that you want to take a moonlit stroll on a first date. We do care that you love to cuddle.
3. I do agree that most of the men here are looking for some action. Some just what to hit it and go, so just one friends with benefits, while others are looking to have sex with you somewhere down the long road and I am sure most of the ladies here aren't looking for a virgin to deflower and kick to the curb.
The whole, finding someone right for me is a process. Something you have to spend some time in getting to know who you are and what you want and getting that pushed to the front to find someone who can closely fit your template. So, don't give up just yet. You may neve know the blessings. | |
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JWA
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Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 24 | |
| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/2/2007 5:23:21 AM | The worst thing you can do for yourself is seek too many opinons about joining this site or anything else in life. This fool you describe---who knows what he's really saying or all about? He does NOT speak for anyone buy himself so please, PLEASE keep that in mind! It seems you but BUT don't allow his poor view of things to cause you to second guess yourself.
If you'd like your POF experience to be less aggravating try searching for and contacting men who appeal to you. You will discover the same thing we men do---a lot of no replies or "read/deleted" but you can't take any of that personally or seriously. They don't know you and for whatever reasons aren't interested in becoming better acquainted. In a way it's their loss as you might be a wonderful person. It's also possilble they're the very ones looking only for sex so they've saved you from wasting more time with them.
Just like in real life this will be exactly what you make of it and how you react or don't react to what might be less-than-positive experiences here. IRL the daily "rejections" we deal with don't seem so important because they're not put in writing or out and out being ignored. We don't seem to notice as much "out there" as we do here for whatever reasons however in the end it's the same thing---someone isn't interested in us at that moment. These sites are more successful for those who are proactive and don't let it bother them when things don't happen immediately.
This isn't a substitute for "real life" rather it's an augmentation---one way to expand your search range. You can discover people here you'd never encounter IRL so when used in that way it's great. Be yourself and just don't take most things here too seriously----have fun!! | |
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| Something I was told about the average guyon site
Posted: 2/2/2007 5:44:34 AM | | lorie1 Gal please don't get all upset 1st all guy's aren't the same, so don't judge us all buy what one person say's. Think about it seriously! say a guy is only on here for sex,he's on quit a few people's friends list.Say he goes out with a few people just for that.wouldn't thatbe using them and hurt their feelings. Don't you think the word will get around about him like your post.How many friends list do you think he is going to be on before long.I expect not very many.I think this is a perty nice site myself.This is suppose to be a place to meet people,have a good time,get to know them and go from there.Most MEN wouldn't do a women that way,unless they're just a dog and you wouldn't want any part of that! Have a nice day Jim | |
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