| support in grieving
Posted: 4/11/2005 11:02:19 PM | I am wondering how other people in the pond deal with their memories of loved one's around special times of year, birthdays, anniversary, thanksgiving etc. I am dealing with my older brothers death of 5 yrs and this weekend will be our birthdays, which are two days apart. Its not the actual day I'm dreading, or getting older, but its the time of year that has made me feel those surprising emotions. Does it get easier or can you prepare yourself, thinking each year should be easier, and with the grace of experience, it shouldnt sneak up on you and make your emotions havoc. If anyone know's me, i am easy going, bubbly and outgoing personality that rarely changes throughout the day, and consider myself consistant. How does one deal with events without going through all the emotions each year.
Looking forward to your suggestion and idea's. | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/11/2005 11:09:16 PM | I normally spend the night at my Sister's grave, July 31th, her B-Day... I take a 5th of Tequilla up there and we talk all night long...
I don't care if you think I'm morbid... That is how I deal with it and have since 1993... Except I use to use Wild Turkey back then...
My wife understands it and has never tried to stop me... Until we split up, she use to drop me off and pick me up in the morning... | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/11/2005 11:11:00 PM | sweety, one thing to do is be gentle with yourself....dont try to be strong or think you should be dealing with this in a different way..........your feelings are your own......and ownership means that however you deal with this is ok.........my grandpa died over 30 years ago...and i was his pet...he was the first biggest fan i ever had.........and this year...i wrote a poem to him and posted it in the poetry forum.............because if i wanna call him my hero or mark his passing from my life in any way at any time.......i can...........to me he was a great man...now i have had to deal with alot of things scince then....i had a husband commit suicide.......but i dont expect my reactions or my grief to be like any one elses......losses affect us differently at different times...............however you handle this..........follow your heart.............. and remember to be good to yourself.........and let me know if i can help in any way, Friend | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/11/2005 11:24:29 PM | Mopegunz...I don't think what you do is morbid, and actually its very healing. My brother worked in construction and build a beautiful bridge in a park, and his coworkers put an angel, plaque in his memory beside the flower garden and creek. 3 months after his death, I took a letter and read it out loud, only have a squirrel paying attention to me early in the morning, and spent the 15 minutes saying what needed to be said. When I need to spend time, I go there, like today, and leave a pepsi and bag of chips, must drive the park staff nuts, but its healing for me and I get to spend those 15 minutes that i never said, when he was alive.
Lady, you're so right about owning your emotions, and its good to have friends to talk with ..on and off the forum... | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/11/2005 11:28:59 PM | heck it don't drive them nuts.....it gives them a snack while another person comes along and does the same thing | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/11/2005 11:30:55 PM | Most people think I'm crazy for sleeping in a graveyard once a year... You talk about a Pepsi and Bag of chips, I take her Chocolate Milk and a Butterfinger...  | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 3:46:04 AM | | Can't really answer the question about grieving as I'm going thru it. My dad passed away last year, my brother passed away 3 wks. ago; I'm taking one day at a time, trying to remember the good memories and focus less on the actual deaths. It isn't easy though. If you need to cry, let it out, don't hold back. | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 4:34:58 AM | | tesaz...That`s is the right idea...Using the occasion to celebrate their life...Remembering all the good things and toasting all the great memories and giving thanks for having been blessed spending the time you got to spend with them instead of dwelling on the time you did not...That`s all you can do. Life is short and precious....`Tho nothing can bring back the hour of slendour in the grass or the glory of the flower...we will grieve not, Rather, find strength in what remains behind`...Just means that God needed them more than we did....He needed another angel and I was blessed to have known them....redneckgirl133 | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 5:42:39 AM | To remember my Mom, on Mother's Day and her Birthday, I take flowers to a retirement home.
I have them give the flowers to a woman with no family or with family who is far away. Or even to a woman who is just down right now for whatever reason.
I share with my mom the belief that a grave is not the place to put flowers (I realize for a lot of people it helps them, just not me personally) I believe that giving the flowers to someone who will smile when they see them is much more helpful to me.
Oh, and every year on her birthday, me and the kids have cake for breakfast. It's a great time to talk to the kids about how wonderful their ga ga grandma was.
When I am feeling most down, I talk about her. I tell my kids stories, or call someone who was close with her and take the time to remember how much fun she was.
I wish I could offer better ideas to make you feel better, however, it's something that only with time you find what works for you. Sometimes, there is nothing better than a good cry to get you through the most difficult times. God Bless. | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 5:50:26 AM | | I look at the loss of a loved one as the increase in available parking spaces for the rest of us. Though tragic in the fact we lose someone dear, less walking to get to where we are going when we go out and have to find a place to park. I have been called uncaring for this, but really I am just practical, and if certain people weren't always late getting ready, we would have more time to walk from the car and the proximity of the parking space to our destination wouldn't be such a big deal. I'm just saying. | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 5:54:53 AM | | im trying to deal wiht my dads death it was sudden in a way i always think about him more on special holidays | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 6:06:36 AM | I tend to let the emotions do their thing. If they show at times that are awkward; I let the traits of the one who was lost flow into my work (the traits which fit with my work). If the person absolutely hated what I do..I thank them for coming back to me..and allow them to watch me..to look upon me as I go about my life in "this" place I am now living within.
P.S. Happy birthday to you and your brother MS. Smitten2meetu
And If I may say..
[quote] Mopegunz...I don't think what you do is morbid, and actually its very healing. My brother worked in construction and build a beautiful bridge in a park, and his coworkers put an angel, plaque in his memory beside the flower garden and creek. 3 months after his death, I took a letter and read it out loud, only have a squirrel paying attention to me early in the morning, and spent the 15 minutes saying what needed to be said. When I need to spend time, I go there, like today, and leave a pepsi and bag of chips, must drive the park staff nuts, but its healing for me and I get to spend those 15 minutes that i never said, when he was alive.
[/quote]
You're gorgeous.
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 6:36:48 AM | All but one of my losses occured between thanksgiving and Christmas.....the holidays are really tough for me.
Having a child, I throw myself into the celebrations and then sneak off for my own time to grieve. | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 6:59:57 AM | I find that my thoughts come to me all throughout the year..at different times. II spread my visits out insteasd of being hit hard all at once. *shrugs* They still hit deep sometimes.
*shrugs*
We all deal differently. | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 7:04:47 AM | gosh doggit frosty....you know i got this overactive nurturing gene...and those shrugs
of yours activate my hugs thingee.................so heres hugs to all my fellow fish.........
and ya know...each death affects us in some profound way.............no man is an island...... | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 7:14:34 AM | HI Smitten,
I understand your feelings as I have lost a dad. He passed 16 years ago and there are still times that I have tears in my eyes. It is ok to grieve. I've found that if I think about the good times we shared that it helps. Key thing in my opinion is to stop looking back and having regrets about not spending enough time together, having unkind words, etc. Our loved one would not want us doing that. We can never change the past. We can learn and use it for future reference.
One of the blessings of having the experience of loosing a loved one is that I can understand what you feel and how you hurt. Every thing in our lives can be a blessing or a curse.
Susan St. James lost her son in a plane crash this past year. He was 14. I saw her on TV talking about it. She was so positive. She was celebrating how wonderful it was to have that young man for those 14 years. She said something that was profound. "I could let bitterness and grief and anger consume my life. If I did that, it would be like me drinking poison and hoping that you die." She chose to remember the blessing of her son's 14 years, rather than focus on the loss. She hurt, she cried, but she did not allow it to make her bitter.
I hope all the words of encouragement in each post will bring some comfort to you.
I promise you that I will keep you in my prayers.
Tim | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 7:18:24 AM | I want to say thank you to everyone who has shared their moments with me, and sometimes we forgot that we're not alone when this happens. Its good to share with others, since we all learn and can find support..and I'm sure more will share their experience.
I do know each year in April, that when i start to dread our birthdays, the feelings I am experiencing don't last for long, it just hits out of nowhere. I actually thought since I had a great birthday last year with fun and surprising little moments, that this year would be a breeze. It surprised me when I wasn't my usual outgoing, positive self, and its a learning process to recognize that a certain time of year will bring unexpected feelings. Grieving just doesn't stop after one year, and I like to think it gives you experience, and with time each year should be easier...well surprise, surprise. I do focus on my younger years with my brother, when he wasn't a addict, and try not to dwell what he became as adult. I have learned the harder i fight the negative emotions, the longer the process takes, so I know it won't last long, and my smile will return.
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 7:33:06 AM | Remembering the good times and memories you made is one way of dealing
with it!
I was only 4 yrs old when My dad was killed in a car accident,and I never got
to know him at all! I often wonder what it would be like to have had him around!
Every year and every holiday I visit his grave,'cause I have a void of not knowing
him,not doing the things that father and son do!
At least you have known them,got memories to remember them by,but I have none!
I lost my aunt a year ago,so to ease the pain i visit her grave every chance I get!
I think about the times we shared and the times when she used to visit!
I also lost my grand ma in febuary,but am so relieve she ain't suffering anymore!
and I'm gona miss her,but as long as I don't forget her,and keep her in my heart,then
I know I'll be o.k.!
It still hurts,but the good memories I have of her,always brings a smile on my face! | |
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Missy
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Joined: 1/29/2005
Msg: 19 | |
| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 8:49:55 AM | okay...am gonna try really hard to write here without bawling my eyes out. (too late...eyes are leaking already)..
My mom passed away Dec 29th 2004 - she was a huge part of my life having raised my sister and I on her own. Every holiday she made sure we had a big family dinner, and invited everyone we knew that would otherwise be alone, and we'd have a feast fit for a king. New Year's Eve was hard for me as my mom has always been the first person I called since I was 13. As the clock struck 12, I reached for the phone and then put it down realising I'd never be able to call her able to wish her happy new year. All of a sudden my phone rang. It was my 16 yr old daughter who was out celebrating with her friends. HAPPY NEW YEAR MAMA she screamed and then she quietly told me that I may not be able to call my Mom, but she could call hers and said I love you and hung up. (*Wipes tears*)
Easter was the first Holiday that I didn't have my mom to cook the feast. The kids and I decided we'd just have a turkey ourselves with all the fixings on the Sunday. On the Monday, we had leftovers (I added a ham too) and invited my friend and her son to join us along with my daughter's bf. There was laughter and joy and its what my mom would have wanted.
Mother's Day will be another hard one for me as its also around my birthday...mom was always the first one to call me in the morning singing happy birthday (off key lol) so if I'm in here bubbling that day too...you are forewarned.
To all of you that have lost someone, my heart felt condolences.
Hugs,
~Missy~ | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 8:53:48 AM | | missy....i just got off the phone with my mom....plannin on her coming to spend the night thursday and doin some night fishin together..(yep, fish fever runs in my whole family)....and your post made me cry.............i am so darn grateful that i can plan a fun evenin like that with my mom.............hugs to you............. ......and ya know something.....i think thursday night....when me and mama are sitting out there fightin skeeters and talking in the dark.........im gonna hug her for you too............ | |
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Missy
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Joined: 1/29/2005
Msg: 21 | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 9:48:08 AM | Missy, what a great thought your daughter did for you on New years and its nice to see someone who had a close relationship...and you have those great memories.
The memories is what we all have in our loved ones, some good for me and try not to dwell on the bad. Its all about the bonding and sharing a childhood and as much as I tried to distance myself towards the end, you can't forget the bond you once had. I know my brother was a good person in our younger years, before the drugs that robbed me our relationship, and I can focus, like my moments i have, the fun time I did share with him. I know I can't change the pass, and If i could do one thing, would be spending 15 minutes to tell him how I felt. Although grieving is private, majority of us want to talk to others who have experience, and what can be a negative can turn out to be a positive. My brothers death change me, its taught me to appreciate little things, telling someone what they mean, instead of waiting until the end, knowing how to connect with others, and life is too short ...don't we all know that too well. I have learned that experience is our teacher, and each time I think i have mastered those emotions that creep up, just take care of yourself and it won't last as long, if you fight it. | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 11:38:29 AM |
I lost my parents when I was 7 and I do grieve for them, but my hardest days are in late March when my Uncle that took over the reigns for his brother in raising me died 16 years ago. My Uncle and I did not have the greatest of relationships, but he is without question the greatest man I have ever known. My Aunt & cousins are still there for me as my siblings always have been, and I would not hesitate to take a bullet for my Uncle & Aunts Grandchildren, they are in reality neices and nephews too. My Uncle and I had a few bad times, but once he was gone they were all but forgotten. He and my father were serious war heros, and having learned of their service as I have later in life I have developed a deep respect for what Tom Brokaw so articulately called "The Greatest Generation Ever." I don't care if they were young girls saving Nylon or factory workers, if you know anyone that defeated Hitler and Tojo thank them each and every day for the freedom you enjoy, because despite all the rhetoric this "terrorist threat" is nothing compared to what they faced. They did nothing short of save the world! Drinking a bottle of Tequila with your sister celebrates her life, not death friend. You are a magnificent brother. That 16 year old daughter is already one hell of a lady. That makes you one hell of a mother in your own right Missy. Remember all of the good, you don't have to look very far, it is in everyone that they touched. Loss is loss only when we allow it to be. For all of us that have lost, we would not grieve if in fact we hadn't been given so much. Hold your head high, anyone that loves you would want that.
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Missy
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Joined: 1/29/2005
Msg: 24 | |
| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 12:47:13 PM | Crap...crying again..
I lost my dad in Sept '01 - so like you, I'm an orphan now too, only I was blessed with 43 of having at least one parent. I thank God for the time I had with mom. I've said many times, when I grow up I want to be just like her. Thank you for your comment about my daughter, she is a pretty terrific kid, as are her siblings. I'm very proud of the people they are and the people they are becomming.
My heart breaks for kids that lose their parents - and for you to have lost yours at such a young age DC is inconceivable to me. Bless your aunt & uncle to have taken you in
Wow....what a day this has been....thank you for starting this post. *sniff* (lQQks for tissues again)
~Missy~ | |
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| support in grieving
Posted: 4/12/2005 3:02:58 PM | | I was never an "Orphan" Missy. It sucked to lose them, but given what happened I can not concieve of any possible way I could have been luckier in the "aftermath." Nothing wrong with crying, took me far too many years to learn that. YOU ARE WELL MISSY! | |
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