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 JadedAngel77
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 1
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hi All,

I have been surprised to find many people tell me they would prefer someone 'cheating' on them and lying about it compared to being told upfront that someone is polyamorous.

I find this astounding and would love to hear about the deep (and shallow!) reasons why people that feel this way would prefer it (Guys & girls welcome).

Regardless of what people answer, I will always be open about my lifestyle choices. I know that is what sits right for me. If people feel that is 'wrong', feel free to say why too.

Thanks for reading!
J

IMPORTANT NOTE: This question is ONLY to people that say or feel they would prefer such a thing. So if you don't feel that way, please don't start venting or flaming me for the question. I mean no disrespect and I am not trying to advocate cheating! I'm just trying to understand something I don't get :) Oh, and for those of you that don't know what polyamory is, wikipedia gives a nice overview.
 ~Brook~
Joined: 10/23/2006
Msg: 2
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 8:35:18 PM
I might sound stupid here lol but I will chance it
what does pollysomethingsomething mean??
 onthemoors
Joined: 7/9/2005
Msg: 3
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 8:37:18 PM
I'd prefer to know that as soon as possible. It makes the "goodbye and good luck" so much more easy...


 onthemoors
Joined: 7/9/2005
Msg: 4
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 8:38:19 PM
"I might sound stupid here lol but I will chance it
what does pollysomethingsomething mean??"


Means "I love you on tuesdays but my wednesdays are for Maria baby..."
 JadedAngel77
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 5
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 9:06:22 PM
Interesting way of describing it Mr love_more, but thanks for your response! At the end of the first post you'll see I suggested wikipedia.

Surely there's gotta be a few more opinions here? I've chatted and met heaps of people that have felt that way... Free hugs to next contributor :D
 ChaoticDreamer
Joined: 8/25/2006
Msg: 6
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 9:16:25 PM
In a fantasy world poly could work..but, we're dealing in reality right ?? In a poly relationship the man is able to have 2 or more mates. Each mate has to understand this and deal with this without every portraying an ounce of jealousy or animosity towards the others. All is suppose to get along and (yeah right) live in harmony. The woman is suppose to handle it with a smile when he says...I'm going to be with *x* tonight.....*x* is suppose to handle it in the same manner when he says...I'm going to be with *z* tonite.

That being said...I think men/women hide behind an actual term in order to validate their cheating and having their cake and eat it too. In answer to the OP's question....I'd preper to be SINGLE than to be lied to or told some asinine hogwash such as *I'm poly* They can poly their azzes right out of my face with that BS.
 LeanGerman2
Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 7
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Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 9:26:52 PM
I can't say i would be ecstatic about something like that.
 tuggirl
Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 8
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 9:34:32 PM
I guess there might be a place in your life where you feel the need to have a few different options, see what's out there. However as people mature, many of us want a long term partner. I just think you have to be honest about what you want from the beginning. I don't believe that many people would prefer you cheat and say you are monogamous as opposed to just saying you want to have multiple partners. I'm sorry, I CALL BULLSHIT HERE. If you don't believe it, have a vote. See how many people would prefer you LIE...I'll watch.
 JadedAngel77
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 9
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 9:44:54 PM
Big hug delivered as promised mam!! He he. There's a little zazoom behind your opinion there. I love it :D

I'm all for you or anyone else not choosing poly, but I'd appreciate not being told that it is a load of BS. Until you've walked a mile in the shoes etc... And a lot of things I might be, but I can promise you that I am not hiding behind anything... To myself or anyone else (at least within the realms of my conscious understanding).

IMO, no-one is SUPPOSED to be anything in a poly relationship. Being poly has been the hardest thing I've ever done (and I've done heaps crazy and hard things). I've learnt to expect myself to feel jealous and hurt sometimes... To me it isn't about pretending those feeling aren't there. It's about expressing them and dealing with them.

The reality is that monogamy is the instant road to harmony either. Many people regardless of whether they are mono or poly are scared to be vulnerable, or scared to commit... scared to really love freely with their heart. We all have issues, and poly brings out a lot more, but thats a plus in my book.

I can't tell you how many times I've been hurting, weak, insecure, crying or whatever else, and the person that has held, loved and comforted me is the same person that has brought these things out big time. You think you get over it all only to find that life or love goes deeper and you are back there for a whole new level of reason.

Anyhoo, I'm getting a little OT. I'm betting that as the thrust of your response seems to be that poly is merely a technicality for 'cheating', you would prefer me to be upfront about it from the start so you know I'm a 'cheater' Yes?

Just say that wasn't the case, and you actually wanted me to lie to you and pretend I'm not a 'cheater', why would that be the case? That's what I really don't get.
 JadedAngel77
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 10
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 9:51:29 PM
Sorry, that last post was meant to be hot on the heels of 'ChaoticDreamer' (Nice nick btw)!

As for tugirl's comments, none of my friends or partners (current or previous) would call me immature... Quite the opposite. And I have been in 3 long term monogamous relationships prior to trying out poly (2.5 to 3 years each).

I reckon a poll would probably show exactly what you are saying tugirl... It wouldn't surprise me in the least, but I have had over 10 people mention sentiments along the lines of my question in the last month, hence my question. Plus the percentage of ppl on what side of the fence isn't what I'm interested in.
 Parabole
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 11
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 10:05:44 PM
OP:I don't follow it either, dosen't seem any one here holds this oppinion. Why would I want to compound my pain and jelousy with the pain of being lied to and having trust broken? Who have you talked to? Did you try asking them?

I guess it would be somhing allong the same lines as a person who prefers not to know if their "monogamus" partner cheats on them? Maybe ask that question for further insight.

For those too lazy, or who have preconceptions:


Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with full knowledge and consent by everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships.


~Wikipedia

No refrence to the "openness" being restricted to the male (polyandry) or female (polyginy). Also note: "meaningful relationships"

Polyamory is no more synonimus with meaningless sex than is monogamy. That dosent make it practicle, but considering devorce rates, can monogmy be said to be moreso?
 JadedAngel77
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 12
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 10:20:42 PM
A very thoughtful and open minded response. I don't know why, but it only occurred to me today to puzzle over this today... this is my first crack at getting a clue :P

Your question of people preferring not to know if their monogamous partner cheats is excellent... I was a little too distracted with my subjective experience to see the heart of the matter that you have pointed out. I'm already beginning to get the insights I was searching for. Thank you very much. Just what I wanted! javascript:smilie('')
javascript:smilie('')
 judythecuety
Joined: 2/2/2006
Msg: 13
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Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 10:41:18 PM
Hey it is afree country. What others want to do in thier bedroom(s) is fine by me.
I know what I want and am comfortable and it makes me incompatible with someone
who's polyamorous..I would hope someone would respect my time and be right up front
about it.
The only exception to this would be those discussing polyandry..just kidding,
 couldusecompany
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 14
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 10:47:11 PM
I truly don't believe you can fully make someone your life, if you are making other women your life as well. For me, a solid relationship is when I am commited to one woman, and one woman alone.

I can understand why people would tell you that they would rather not know about it. But I think that is *after* they are in what they believe to be a relationship with you. If you were honest and upfront with women right off the bat, then they can make the decision as to whether they could accept something like this lifestyle or not.
 JadedAngel77
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 15
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 11:14:25 PM
As to making someone your life... I might be misunderstanding you, but that isn't my cup of tea.

From a place of enrichment and self love I have the most to share. On the other hand when I have sought something outside to become, I found I have put great pressure and hardship on others. In believe the healthiest state for most of us is a position of total fulfillment within our own lives.

Now considering what I've just said above, I'm calling the kettle black with this next statement :D So before you shoot me, I already plead guilty... I'm all for you believing that making someone your life might be the best thing for you, but believing it is the best for everyone is known as projection.

If I've misunderstood what you haver written, I apologise. Oh, if you have a peek at my profile, you'll see polyamory on there!
 a_sweet_fishy
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 16
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 11:22:57 PM
It seems that so many get polyamorous confused with polygamy. I suppose that is why so many think it is restricted to the male. Well, I am a happily married, in love with my hubby, polyamorous woman.

I would imagine people who would rather have you lie about it are just so insecure they can't handle knowing the truth. Makes no sense to me, however. Seems they would prefer to know and just steer clear of a relationship with anyone who doesn't feel the same they do.
 Parabole
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 17
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/6/2007 11:28:20 PM
Personaly I find it much less complex and paifull to be monogamus, but I am not in agreement with making another person my life either. Sharing my life perhaps indefinately, sure, but makeing another person my life? Let siamese twins deal with that....

All of this is OT anyway... Any monogamus women want to explain to this nice honest young polyandrus male why they might prefer not to know of their partners love afair?
 Vitiate
Joined: 1/1/2007
Msg: 18
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 1:38:42 AM
If you're Poly, you gotta tell them upfront.

Some people will shy away... others will jump at the chance.

I'd be all like..."Excuse me?...you're a what?...so that means?....can I bring a friend?...some clamps or handcuffs?....how about a 9-iron?"

So you see...poly's can be a lot of fun. If you're looking for a relationship...I highly doubt a poly would be too suitable.

Get an ugly chick for that...
 Moontress
Joined: 12/14/2006
Msg: 19
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 1:44:56 AM
I'd want to know so I could kick them out the door! It's not for me and I don't try to change people.


I truly don't believe you can fully make someone your life...


Neither do I. I AM my own life, I just choose to let who I want in it.
 nipoleon
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 20
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Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 2:15:10 AM
I suppose it's nice to fantasize about managing multiple partners, but I've never seen anyone do it from a practical perspective.
One at a time is usually hard enough.
But anyone who actually thinks they need more than me, I'd prefer they be honest and up front about it.
Remeber, what ever freedom you want for yourself, you must be willing to grant me as well.
 a_sweet_fishy
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 21
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 4:54:05 AM
nipoleon, I have never once met a TRUE polyamorous person who DIDN'T allow their partners to be also. That makes no sense.
 Chataholic
Joined: 4/27/2006
Msg: 22
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 5:43:15 AM
...with full knowledge and consent by everyone involved


Taken right out of your fond definition from Wikipedia...this totally negates your question. If you aren't honest and up front about it, then you aren't truly being polyamorous are you? I cannot even fathom people preferring you to lie about it. Perhaps you don't like the response when you're truthful, but you have to respect the fact that not everyone will share your lifestyle choice, and move on to someone that does.
 *Tee*
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 23
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 5:58:37 AM
I'm going to assume that these women that you have this type of relationship with are told up front about your lifestyle. Apparently they've consented and decide they want to be with you regardless. Yet they don't want to know when you're cheating on them.....well that just tells me that they really DON'T accept the lifestyle at all. Its not the usual type of relationship, and not many can pull it off, but I'm going to assume that these women don't really know what they want. They fall for you, maybe thinking "he'll fall in love with me and change for me" (Yes we women have been known to do that)and then everything will be ok.
Its not something I would ever be interested in, but the only thing I can tell you is, continue to be up front, and honest. By consenting to lie about it, you might be giving them false hope. They eventually will have to accept and understand that this is the type of lifestyle you have chosen and that you aren't going to change. Then its up to them wether they decide to stick with it or not.....JMO
 Wild Heart
Joined: 4/3/2006
Msg: 24
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 6:14:42 AM
I would prefer someone tell me up front. A lie is a lie is a lie.....

There are others who are interested in this lifestyle. Why would one waste their time going after people and lying just to be with someone who doesn't share this interest/lifestyle?

I see this as anything else. When I say on my profile I am looking for a certain age range and then get emails from people outside that age range.....well, I don't say poly is what I am looking for either - so both emails would be of no interest to me.
 JadedAngel77
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 25
Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you upfront they are polyamorous?
Posted: 2/7/2007 6:24:22 AM
Moontress: Go girl :D I like your decisiveness and non-changing other peopleness!

To answer a few queries here, it's often been something initiated in a first chat or first discussion from the other party. Some of those people I've met and more, others have just been a curiosity. I'm thinking more and more that the question I should have asked is:

'Why would you prefer someone lie to you then tell you they have cheated on you?'

That particular frame of mind is more understandable to me however, so I probably wouldn't have asked that q.

One of the other points raised by *Tee* which is one of the things I hate about polyamory is having someone fall for me, and thinking I'll change... It can be really upsetting to find that despite my honesty and best intentions, people get hurt and it's because of my lifestyle choices. On the other hand, being exclusive when it isn't really in my heart to do so is a sure way of making things worse for everyone.

As to me falling in love with someone else... No problem (well the truth is I've always found a whole bucket load of problems whenever I've fallen in love with someone :D But they're generally damn good problems to have!!).

Actually finding that I am truly satisfied and happy in a long term monogamous relationship... Not so far (sigh). I'm not against it though. I'd love to meet 'the one'. I'm just not expecting it to happen. I still have a wonderful friendship with a gorgeous girl that I thought was 'the one' for several years was while we were dating.

On the other hand. I'm damn happy being 'single' and I've also been outrageously 'in love' with a polyamorous partner. None of it is right or wrong to me, but poly is definitely harder... And mono ain't no walk in the park :D As far as I'm concerned anyone that is brave enough to truly love is a hero regardless of sex, relationship style or whatever else!
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