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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 2/9/2007 3:02:20 PM | I just got out of an emotional abusive relationship.......Can it be hard to find someone else who knows how to treat a woman right.....I know its going to be rough for me to start dating again. I know because im already afraid that if i find someone that i like im going to push them so far away that i will never be able to find true love again......i need advice......on what to do now....that im single and all my friends are guys, my family is very protective over me right now becuz they so that im so vulnerable to get into another relationship becuz of the bad choices that ive made in men in the past......i just dont know how im going to be able to get myself out there and meet new people......someone plz. help.......
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Posted: 2/9/2007 3:07:19 PM | You said it yourself, You just got out of an abusive relationship. Even when people separate themselves from a great relationship, one needs time to get over it before moving on. Otherwise it is a "rebound thing" where someone will end up hurt, no matter your intentions. You should think about your life, no relationship.. nothing wrong with going out and having fun, but don't even think about getting involved in a relationship right now. It wouldn't be good for you at all. You need time to heal emotionally from everything you have been thru. You will meet people when you are ready...  | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 3:15:23 PM | | You might want to work on yourself a bit first. You need to find out why you chose someone abusive in the first place...if you do not gain some insight, you will just end up with another abuser. There are so many resources out there to help you. Good luck! | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 3:29:55 PM |  I know how you feel having been through an emotionally abusive relationship myself. What happened once he'd gone was that like you I had a supportive protective family (who are still about 7 years later, rather over protective of me). What you learn is all down to you. I think it's important to figure out what it was that made you vulnerable to the abuse. For me it was a combination of a belief that I was worthless and the wish to feel worthwhile by helping someone, and the fact that he was the first person in my life who'd ever said they loved me and I wished to believe it so badly I deceived myself. Let the abuser be a good teacher -- he's shown you your weaknesses and in knowing these you will find great strength. You've survived a very traumatic time and in surviving you already have a victory. With mine what I did was determine that the long term effect on me would be positive.
From my abuser I learned that I was not a bad person, he showed me the state of his heart and suddenly I didn't look so flawed. You've been pushed around tremendously emotionally and here you are, perhaps still picking up the pieces and feeling shaky but you survived. And take courage from that because you can now trust yourself to survive -- no-one can destroy you: it has been tried. Trusting your own inner strength is all you really need to do.
The next person I got involved with was a friend, a gentle boy who became my best friend over a couple of years before we blurred that relationship for a little while. It was never meant to be, we just don't have that kind of spark, but it was very healing when I was so hurt, and he was hurting too at the time. Not all blokes are capable of what your abuser did: it's not you, it was him. Look at the other blokes you know -- your guy friends, just observe and you will realise what an anomaly your abuser was.
How you get through it depends on your attitude and this can change day to day. My attitude was probably a little weird because I never went through a stage of feeling angry or hating the guy. I felt fear, at some levels I still do, but I was extremely determined that I would not allow this thing that he had done to be evil. He had tried to be destroy me and my 'victory' was in turning it around so the overall effect was good. It was positive, I learned so much... I became a much happier person for all that I learned from it. But for years it was painful and I cried every day and felt that I never wanted to hear the words "I love you" again. So take your time. Think a lot. Let yourself feel whatever it is that you feel, observe yourself without judging and look for opportunities to learn about yourself. There is no reason to expect that you will ever need to repeat this lesson. Just learn all you can from it.
My heart goes out to you: keep your chin up and let your strong heart be open because you have survived and you will be stronger for it and more able to love deeply, in time. | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 3:31:13 PM | From your profile
I dont like guys that tell me that in order to keep them happy i have to keep their friends happy. I like a guy that likes me for me. The joy in my life is my baby girl julianne...I like to try about almost anything that comes my way... And i love my family so if you dont like my family or dont want to have nothing to do with yours then stay away only if you know what im talking about guys. But for right now all im looking for is friends...just got out of a very emotional abusive relationship....so ALL I WANT FOR THE NEXT 6 MONTHS ARE JUST TO FIND FRIENDS TO HANG OUT WITH AND GET TO KNOW BETTER.......
You just answered your own question here ya know!
1) You just got out of a relationship why jump back into another one?? co-dependent?
2) You have a baby... focus on raising her to be strong enough to not get into an emotional abusive relationship
3) Focus on yourself and figuring out WHY you pick the deadbeat that has to abuse you.
4) DO NOT set a time limit on your healing process everyone is different if 6 months comes and goes and you're still not healed you're going to force yourself into a situation that won't be healthy AGAIN!
5) Profile is extremely negative (if you're being serious unlike my profile which is a total joke cuz I'm completely not expecting to "find" anyone here) you're not going to attract healthy friends this way. You'll attract another boogger from the pimpled nose of society that just wants to pick you and then flick you!
Now to answer your original question
No it's not hard to find someone that knows how to treat a woman right....however, YOU have to be healthy enough psychologically to be able to see the warning signs and KNOW what the red flags are... if you aren't you'll be doing a repeat performance of your last relationship.
Take a major time out don't even look for new guy friends heal yourself, raise your daughter and don't be desperate to find "TRUE LOVE". Also FYI... if you were in an abusive relationship you didn't know what "TRUE LOVE" was... cuz someone who abuses you doesn't truly love you! Take your time and be patient and an amazing love will find you when you are truly ready for it! | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 3:52:23 PM | Hello monique86,
Well the nice thing about a place like this is there are a lot of good people to be friends with. and if anyone pressures you there is a little x in the corner that you can press followed by a block button. You don't need to get out anywhere and you can take your time just to be, and heal.
As to your comment about pushing people away hmmmmmm that was my expertise but i eventually found someone i could never push away. Everyone seemed to have expectations of me and i have to say i was rather allergic to them and hypersensitive to any inkling of them. I am happy to hear you are supported by your parents during this difficult time. Its also good to hear you have some guy friends, obviously they aren't like your ex boyfriend so they may show you that not all men are as he was.
Rune3's post is brilliant, many little gems in there. And Like her you have survived. So it is not a question about you. And it sounds like your heart is open however very cautious. You are working perfectly just like the rest of us. Having strong emotions shows that your heart is working perfectly.
Take your time there is no rush to any destination, You are already there, being human allowing yourself to feel and growing through new experiences. May you have wonderful friendships, and press the x as often as needed,
crazylilting | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 3:56:34 PM | It will be hard if you do not change how you view men and what you find attractive. You could be in some pattern where you constantly choose men who are all exactly alike. They might not look alike but the emotional make up will be the same.
I am glad you are out of that relationship. My daughter called last night, her best friend was found murdered. The boyfriend was abusive and they are assuming it was him. | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 4:25:55 PM | The first thing you have to do is get over the guilt that this was in any way your fault. You didn't make a bad choice. He behaved badly. You can't control how others behave, only yourself, and abusive people do not go around with "I am abusive. Choose me" on their T-shirts. It takes time to come out.
You know all men are not abusive, with your brain. Take time with any man you meet. Time will tell all about someone. Let them earn your trust and you will be fine. Then you will begin to believe in them with your heart. And the old memories will go away.
If not, there are a lot of groups around to help and literature.
Abusers are creeps and liers and their favourite game is to shift the blame onto you. Don't believe it for a moment. Just say "toodles. Good riddance to bad rubbish" and move on. It is their trip, not yours. | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 7:15:40 PM | Rune3, nice message and thank you for sharing your experience here, and I resonate with your experience. Monique, there is hope.
I've been in abusive relationships and through much reflection upon my tendancy to choose men that were unhealthy for me, I discovered that my low sense of self worth and low self esteem allowed me to make these choices for myself. For me it was important to figure out what made me choose these paths and discovered that it was my "comfortableness" in these situations that allowed be to gravitate towards men that were emotionally unavailable. After much healing and personal growth, I choose differently today. Gone are those relationships and friendships that are not healthy for me. I do not allow myself to be in situations where I am being manipulated and controlled, nor do I allow myself to participate with those that are judgmental and negative; it is these types of behaviours and tendancies that hurt our spirits and I choose not be surrounded by negative energies. Like Rune3, I chose to be a survivor.
For me, establishing firm boundaries and being assertive allows me to live a better life. I treat people with respect and dignity and reap the rewards of receiving the same in return. I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family who are loving and supportive. Today I have the capacity and ability to accept responsibility for my actions and contributing to the dysfunction of the relationships I participated in - whether it was with a partner or a friend. Gone are the days of "people pleasing" to the degree that I compromised my own principles. This takes "work", inner reflection, acceptance, and the willingness to heal and recover from those emotional scars that accumulated from my childhood. This path to recovery was not always smooth; it was mentally and emotionally exhausting at times, but living as I do today is far better than where I was yesterday. I am very grateful to who support me and encourage me through my periods of "chaos" and grateful to those that crossed my path and allowed me the experiences so that I am on a better path. I realize this was part of my personal path and ultimately it is my choice to learn, grow and become a survivor.
There are many community resources out there that you may choose to access for further support and guidance. It takes a call on a crisis line at a women's shelter or contacting a community program like the Family Violence Project that is experienced in dealing with people that suffer abuse so that one may find a healthy way to heal. It is important to realize that there is support and to know that you are not alone. There are thousands of women, men and children that are abused or suffered abuse, and there is a way out of these situations and one can recover from it.
Thank goodness you took the initial step by leaving. Take you time, nurture your own spirit and love yourself.
If one does not love, respect, honour and treat themselves with dignity then one will not receive it in return.
Stay safe and heal. The best is yet to come!
Tiffi | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 7:45:01 PM | | Well first off you got to forget this story and start to smile . When a woman smiles at a man she puts the whole world of the LIVING into a man like a needle of adrenalin. | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 7:45:09 PM | | Well first off you got to forget this story and start to smile . When a woman smiles at a man she puts the whole world of the LIVING into a man like a needle of adrenalin. | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 7:54:19 PM | | Monique86: I am right there with you. I too have been in abusive relationships both emotion and physical. And I am seeing outside the "blinders" that it is a low self esteem and the need to be the "helper" the "fixer" and the "rescuer" in me that gets drawn in by these men. There is nothing wrong with be loving and caring and compassionate to others and wanting to help someone. Altho it is wrong to allow that person to control you and abuse that part of your kind heart, as abusive men do so. My last ex who was with for 5 years was from a very abusive family, he was terribly abused physcially and emotionally by his father and much of an outcast in school, and when he did marry early on his wife cheated on him and further basically telling him that people only hurt those that you love. I tought that I could be a woman or person that would show him once in his life that would not hurt him like they had. I thought that I with love and understanding and patience could sow him another side of love. Well that put blinders up to me that I did not see all the red flags that now I see were there. Before I moved to be with him he stated that I was in his words... "12 hours and counting til my love you come and "rescue" me." I should have seen that as a red flag, I thought it odd he said that but also overlooked it and thought that meant he loved me so deeply. Hhhmmm... He was so full of anger and fear and pain from his past that there was nothing that I could have done to prevent what happened. I see that now. Yes they shift the blame onto others... I am seeing that I am not to blame at all. It is his life that is twisted and dark and hollow and something he will have to deal with. He jumped right into a new relationship (online for 3 weeks with a lady from New Orleans while telling me things with us were perfect but telling her that he had not been with a woman for almost 3 years) and playing her also and without meeting her and only emailing her for 3 weeks asked her to marry him and she said YES) now shallow on his part but also see that if she says yes after 3 weeks never meeting a man that she is also emotionally not healthy either so I guess that they will end up the way most do... ending in time after each sees the real other person in time. I do not believe that you can love someone in 3 weeks and having never met that person love that person. But some do believe that. Just know that you need to love yourself more than anybody else, and know that you deserve the best and do not setle for anything less than the best that you can find. Someone to love you totally and real. Like me we just have to heal and learn not to do so again with the abusive relationships. ood luck and my prayers are with you. You can do it................... ally | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 8:44:43 PM | If one does not love, respect, honour and treat themselves with dignity then one will not receive it in return.
I'm responding to this portion of a post that was posted above. I'm not disagreeing with this. I wanted to add something.
I think there is more to it.
People who get abused give the benefit of the doubt. Trusting a person when they haven't earned the trust. Many of us were raised by a polite family's in a polite society where we are supposed to give the benefit of the doubt to accept differences. Abusers take advantage of this, and prey on the one's who were taught well.
Abused people were abused emotionally as kids. They were bashed for thinking for themselves. This makes them easy targets for liars who can manipulate them by shifting blame. Blame them for every wrong the abuser ever did. Abuser will also manipulate others to abuse the victim. They engage their mother, their neighbor, their co-worker, and the garbage man to abuse their victim. It's a set-up, and it's a gang-up. Victims see through this, but they are only going by one episode or two. It's not enough "proof". Not enough proof because they are questioning a person who lies and demands proof in order to get caught. Of course, they deny any proof, even when it's on hard copy. They shift blame on this also.
This is confusing for a person who was taught to be polite. It reels the mind into a headache and to stop the confusion, they say let's stop talking, please let it go. Or even if they fight it out, they keep getting cornered to the point where they either kill or give in. Because they are dealing with a lose, lose situation.
The abuser just got away with another one.
OP: you will gravitate to the abusive. I won't give advice, I hope I wrote enough lines that is common in abuse for you to see it coming if you run into it again. | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 9:38:38 PM |
People who get abused give the benefit of the doubt. Trusting a person when they haven't earned the trust. Many of us were raised by a polite family's in a polite society where we are supposed to give the benefit of the doubt to accept differences. Abusers take advantage of this, and prey on the one's who were taught well.
Abused people were abused emotionally as kids. They were bashed for thinking for themselves. This makes them easy targets for liars who can manipulate them by shifting blame. Blame them for every wrong the abuser ever did. I found this part interesting. Growing up we are taught to turn the other cheek, to forgive, to try to understand. I was taught that expressing my emotions was unacceptable, that my emotions were unacceptable and that I should try to squash them. Even the most caring and well-meaning of parents make mistakes and perhaps the ones made by the most caring and well-meaning ones are hardest to shake.
OP: you will gravitate to the abusive. I won't give advice, I hope I wrote enough lines that is common in abuse for you to see it coming if you run into it again. It's not necessarily true. After my one experience I did not find another. I attracted and gravitated to what my mum calls "lame ducks" for quite a while because I love to help, but a lame duck is not necessarily an abuser. You don't *need* boundaries as such, just to realise that you have a lot to give and it's illogical to give to one who doesn't appreciate it. Knowing yourself and trusting yourself is the most important thing and the only form of defence you'll ever need.
(Thanks to others for their comments on my post: it's an emotive issue, painful to think of anyone going through that and I'd wondered if my words made sense) | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 9:54:29 PM | | hey i been there ....i know what your talking about it has taken me 30 years to get to where i'm at today ... but i did it and i'm a lone but happy i'm in control now of my life and i be damn if a man will come into my life and take it way frome me...if ever u need or want to talk i'm here. if there is one person out there that i can help or just leasen to contact me ...i'v cried to many tears and climb to many mountians to find me ...and i'm here and i love me and no one willl ever hurtme again... so if you need a frind thats been there more then once contact me... alisa | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 10:27:55 PM | | I got out of mine about 11 years ago.Im always afraid I still have touble trusting men I have talked to many wonderful men on here so far none like my ex .there are some men here thatare just amazing GENTLEMEN ,really I love you all however I still have a trust issue monique86 just keep trying I think we both are on the right site work on friendships I believe we can heal and love will find its waywe deserve it | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 10:32:13 PM | | I was in something of that sort.And yes im a man..I still remeber what took place. I am still afraid. But im trying. I was to trusting and i blame myself for it. Its hel lwhen some one you love and trust abuses you..I know...But the thing is to remeber....Not every one is like that. Yes i know its hard to think that and i know its hard to trust really anyone after something like that.I went thruogh it all pain then anger then finding that the world is not so bad. There are bad people and good people...And i hope with everything in me that most of you dont face the bad..Some of us do...Some will tear us apart... pain then anger is just part of it dont fight it just dont get into trouble as i did....You will if you were trully tore apart will find away out. evey one is different..they chose there own way...In the end as i am you will find the world and evey one most that is to be great..Every one is not untrust worthy. it will take time and time it will take. what anyone says to you wont matter until you get throug it.You will shame your self and blame every one even the ones you dont know...then when its over you will start to see again..In little parts .....and that person will remind you of thoughtfull things and what you liked...But when its over i can tell you this.....You will be strong then and ever and you will be a new person. i hope this helps you...thats only what i mean cause i have been there..I hope you can feel it...But trust me you will survive all..sorry for the book... if you need someone to talk to that you may feel will help or even just to talk im here and dont forget that take care and heal. | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 10:52:39 PM | Monique, it is not going to be hard for you!!! IT is going to be hard for the abuser, he is going to have to start all over again, being charming, and attentive and sweet while under the surface he is angry and hostile,
this should be a peice of cake for you, now you know the red flags, when a person comes on strong and sooo sweet at first, you know it is an act until proven other wise. I suggest strongly that before getting to far into the relationship with anyone, you meet their friends, ask questions, meet family ask questions, then if at any time during the first five minutes to five weeks that any red flags come up, dump them and do not listen to the apologies or promises...
you are not vunerable....to what? you didnt do anything wrong, you just beleived a liar. That doesnt make you anything but a sweet person that got scammed.
Just do not settle for less than wonderful!!!! Dont be ready to accept the first guy that asks, be picky!!! Guys are like busses, there is another one coming in a few minutes, do not let them tell you how the relationship proceeds.
Dont be pressured into going out sooner than you want, staying out later if you do go, dont let them talk you into anything.
YOu are in charge and say, dont worry all guys are not like that, but you have to be selective and it helps if you will write down all of the things that you admire, desire and are compatable with in a man, describe in detail what it is that you really would be so happy with, they use it as a check list...
Good luck...
BL | |
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Posted: 2/9/2007 11:01:14 PM | | Thats where your wrong...It does mean everything....Charming does not cut it a cute girl does not cut it a fine girl does not cut it cause they all look the same...Guess you never been thru it your just posting. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 2/10/2007 2:59:02 AM |
If one does not love, respect, honour and treat themselves with dignity then one will not receive it in return.
I like to expand upon the point I was trying to convey in my earlier post.
What I am attempting to convey is that we need to treat ourself with love, respect, honour and dignity and decide what we individually want for ourselves. We can determine what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, what situation make us feel like we're being diminish and decide how we are going to deal with this behaviour or situation in the event that it happens. We do have a choice to participate or not and we need to determine for ourselves what it is that we need and deserve in our life. We create our lives and make choices, but it is far better to make CONCIOUS choices that will allow us to nurture our own spirit. This is not being selfish, this is loving yourself enough not to allow others to treat you unwell.
I now assert myself and set boundaries on certain behaviours that are not healthy for me. Through my life people have made promises to me and have fallen short of their promises. For a long time I allow myself to accept this and roll it off my shoulder. For example, today I am still working through trust issues and when I meet someone that I am willing to let into my life I choose to share with them that it is important for them to follow through on their word with me and I communicate this with them. I realize that we can be fallable and on occasion that there may be situations where they will fail in following through and if this happens I will reiterate and address my boundary and how I am feeling around this situation with them. This is treating myself with love, honour, respect and dignity because I no longer want to be subjected to what I feel is unacceptable behaviour.
Being in a physically, verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship when I was 19, I was only able to acknowledge the physical abuse and did not realize that I was also suffered from other abusive patterns. I remember very clearly. as if it were yesterday, the fear. It took me 5 months to find a safe way out and end the relationship. For 5 terrifying months my mind was constantly at work trying to figure out how I was going to get away from the abuser. I thought that he was going to kill me or hurt someone in my familly. I didn't tell my family what I was enduring in this relationship with this man and the shame that I felt in making such a poor choice was enough to keep me quiet about what I truly suffered. It was pure HELL and I suffered tremendously during and for a very long time after. Since that relationship, I never encountered another physically abusive man; however, because of my diminished sense of self worth I chose to participate in relationships with men that were emotionally absent; this was what was familiar to m. Connecting on an emotional level was so foreign to me and as I shared earlier, this stems from my childhood and one particular experience. Not to the fault of my parents or siblings because they did the best they could with what they had, there are a lot of variables and complexities revolving around my childhood life.
Along my journey, I encountered two men that treated me with so much love, respect and dignity that I was uncomfortable with this and felt undeserving of their kindness and love because of my own issues and emotional incapacity. It has taken a lot of personal growth and healing to realize that I do deserve to have someone loving in my life and I know that special someone is out there for me and will join along side of me as we journey together and share that special connectedness.
Abuse is a very complex issue and people are so unaware of abusive behaviour. Here is a clip of information that is available to the public:
Abuse means using pain, fear or humiliation to gain control in a relationship.
Do you ever:
-call your partner names or degrade her?
-control her activities and friendships?
-check up on her by phoning, following, or spying on her?
-threaten or physically intimidate her?
-punch the wall, slam doors or break things?
-pressure her for sex when she says no?
-slap or push her around?
...and promise it will never happen again?
Even with the best of intentions, it is difficult to change behaviours like these without help. To make it safe for those you love, you need to...
stop the abuse,
learn tools for building a healthy relationship,
regain your self respect.
Early Warning Signs
How do you know if the man you are dating will later become physically abusive? Women in the Family Violence Project have identified the following "early warning signs", behaviours that are typical of men who later become physically abusive. A man who becomes abusive may not have all of these characteristics, but is likely to demonstrate some of them.
The man who becomes physically abusive:
-has low self-esteem
-uses put downs, verbal/emotional abuse
-blames you and others, hardly ever himself
-does not take responsibility for his actions
-may have a short temper, can be explosive
-has a lack of empathy for others, is centred on himself
-may appear tough and aggressive OR passive
-has difficulty being appropriately assertive
-may be overprotective to the point of being controlling
-is possessive, very jealous, may even be jealous of the time you spend with your familyand friends
-may be obsessed with you, needy, clinging; he thinks he has to be a part of everything you do
-often doesn't want you to go anywhere without him
-doesn't communicate well about his feelings (except anger)
Uses controlling behaviour:
-frequently tells you what to do or not do, where to go or not go
-tells you who your friends "should" or "shouldn't" be
-tells you what clothes to wear, how to wear your hair/make-up
-tells you how to act in various situations
-tells you how long your phone calls should be and who to talk to or not talk to
-wants you to account for where you've been
-phones you at work to make sure you're there
-tells you what time to come home
-doesn't announce he is coming to visit, just arrives
-makes the major decisions
-is manipulative
May invade your privacy by:
-going through your purse
-listening to your phone calls
-opening your mail
-going through your diary
-wanting to know your conversations word for word
-following you when you leave the room even though you want to be left alone
-asking friends and family about what you do
Attempts to make you dependent:
-he takes control of the money
-he doesn't want you to work
-he doesn't want you to have your own bank account
-he tells you that you don't have skills and couldn't make it on your own
-tells you "no one else will love you"
-tells you that you are stupid
-he doesn't want you to learn to drive
-may encourage you to quit school
Attempts to isolate you by:
-telling you lies about what your friends have said about you
-not wanting you to go out with your friends or without him
-being rude to your friends so that they will stop visiting you
-starting an argument with you right before you leave to go out with a friend
-telling you lies about what your friends have said about
-you doesn't want you to go out with friends without him
-belittling your friends
-tells you not to see your family
-doesn't want you to meet his friends
-wants you to choose between him and your friends
-holding messages back from you
The man who becomes physically abusive might also:
-not respect your sexual boundaries
-have attitudes about women (i.e. that they are inferior to men)
-be chauvinistic
-condone violence against women and pornography
-threaten to get sex elsewhere
-be addicted to alcohol, drugs or work
-use aggressive gestures (e.g. smacking hand on furniture, clenching fist)
-make threats of violence
-be violent towards pets
-damage property in anger
-intimidate others
-eventually uses physical force against you (slaps, kicks, pushes, punches, holds you down,
-blocks doorways, throws things, prevents you from using phone, drives fast to intimidate you, etc...)
There is a lot of valuable information out there and it my hope that we evolve to the degree that we end the cycle of abuse. It takes courage, willingness and determination to change, heal and grow.
It is empowering to make the choice to end abuse in my life. I love, honour, respect and cherish me.
Tiffi | |
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Posted: 2/10/2007 4:08:55 AM | Nice post Tiffi, I want to add a couple of thoughts.
Sometimes self-esteem is unreachable. Some of us look at ourselves and simply cannot see anything that is within us that is loveable. I could value my ability to help others and do constructive things, but I could see no intrinsic value in myself. people saying "you should love yourself" didn't solve anything but just made me feel more flawed. Actually this persisted until very recently when someone very special held up such a mirror to me in himself that things began to change. However, what I want to say is that if you can't love or value yourself all the time, you can still keep yourself from accepting poor treatment.
If you cannot love yourself, remember that you do no-one any favours by accepting their bad behaviour. When someone treats another person unkindly I believe it harms the perpetrator as much as the target: probably even more in the long term. Uncompassionate acts damage a person inside -- with abusers I think such acts are part of a spiral of them turning off their humanity, closing their hearts off from life. If you allow yourself to accept their poor treatment you are enabling it. You don't need to value yourself to see that this is not healthy for them and choose to deny the opportunity. Secondly, although you have a strong desire to help people, realise that you cannot help everyone and your energies are best invested where they are appreciated, not in difficult cases that need professional help. If the desire to help is strong, consider a caring profession and satisfy that need in your professional life rather than in your relationships. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 2/10/2007 4:27:46 AM | Hi Monique,
I left a very abusive man 5 years ago. The first year I went to counseling to help me get past what he did to me. I went back about a year later because I found that I was still attracted to abusive men. In that second year I worked on what it was about me that found them attractive. It was a lot of work and emotionally draining at times but it was worth it. Even now I sometimes find certain aspects of an abusive man attractive, but I'm very aware of those aspects and will run for the hills when I see them.
I suggest counseling. There are a number of free services for women and men who are in or have recently left an abusive relationship. I'm not sure where you live, but there is a domestic violence hotline in the phone book that will give you information for your area. Take care and know that there is hope. I was with a man who was a great guy and not abusive at all. I was totally attracted to him and, even though we broke up, it was not for abusive reasons.
God bless. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 2/10/2007 10:17:08 AM | Thanks Rune3, you are so right. This is not an easy or light path, just as singlemom shared as well. It takes time to heal, grow and sort through everything. The key to changing oneself is awareness. One cannot change what one is not knowing what it is that they need to change. If you don't know that it's broken then you're not going to fix it. I agree with singlemom, and I went through counselling for a year after my ex husband left. Whenever my life because more chaotic and less sane, I choose to seek out counselling again. This is where I can sift out the truths from the "misconceptions" of myself. It's not easy and takes work, but I AM WORTH IT!
Tiffi | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 2/10/2007 10:43:56 AM | Hi Tiffi,
You have a lot of insight on abusive relationships because you were subjected to the NEED to learn about the mechanics of abuse, so you could identify the damage done and find the healing you have obviously found. This is good stuff!
It's like forensics, picking through the ruins and the ashes to develop a picture of what really went on, and to pick little pieces of you out of the rubble and nurture your way back to inner health again. Great stuff!
My question is this... Since you pasted the danger signs and early warning signs to spot what may be or may become an abusive situation, have you ever seen an opposing view?
Like early signs that this guy or this girl may lead to a really good relationship? You know things to look for and signs that may be umm... "mile markers" on your journey so to speak?
Would be interesting to read I bet!
Didn't want to change the subject of this thread, but that's the question that popped into my head reading it. | |
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| Abusive Relationships
Posted: 2/10/2007 10:51:47 AM |
Like early signs that this guy or this girl may lead to a really good relationship? You know things to look for and signs that may be umm... "mile markers" on your journey so to speak? There would never be any because positive behaviour can always be faked. That's what makes it hard. The key is in watching your own feelings, I think, particularly your anxiety level: do you feel comfortable or like you are afraid of getting something wrong?
My special someone showed me in various ways that he truly cared about my feelings -- not just how I was supposed to feel, but really how I did feel. Which just left me a sobbing mess as no-one had done that before. And I thought of writing this down as being a "good signpost"... but it would be possible for a clever person to fake even that. Your heart knows though, if you can learn to separate out wishful thinking from reactions to what is actually happening. | |
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