| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/9/2007 4:13:06 PM | | I'm a single father,with full custody of my son. He is 12 years old and lately he has been starving for attention. But not realy my attention, I have talk to his teachers, they seem to thank he is seeking female attention. because his mother is getting remaried. It is efecting his work at school and the way he acts at home toward doing his homework. don't no what to do. Need help!!!! | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/9/2007 5:05:19 PM | hey there!
my advice to you is he needs someone other then yourslef or his mother to talk to a social worker through his school would be the best opinion.
Get him the help he needs before he resents later on in life,
hope everything works out
take care | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/9/2007 8:14:01 PM | Hey fishingpond,
Have you read the book "Raising Boys". It's very good and you will find at around 12 or 13 years of age, a boy starts to need to find his place in society as a male and desperately need an outside role model that he can look up to and trust who can show him what society expects of him as a male.
It's the start of him becomming a man I'm afraid. It's the beginnning of him needing to take his first steps out from under your wing. Does he have a male teacher, coach, friends dad etc who you trust and who he relates well to?
But maybe his mum getting remarried is making him feel insecure as well.
Get the book and it will all become clearer!
Good luck. I'm glad I've got a few more years with my boys before I have to come across that stage. Tough age!!! | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/10/2007 6:47:30 AM | I would get him to speak with a counsellor. They are great for children. My sister took her son after her and her husband broke up and it did wonders for him. They can talk freely with the counsellor and since things are kept between them, he won't be afraid of hurting anyone's feelings so he can get everything that's bothering him out into the open.
If he's seeking female attention, which would be normal if his mom doesn't have alot of time for him, maybe one of his aunts that he's close to can spend a little time with him.
Good luck! :) | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/23/2007 6:12:13 AM | | I have to say I'm going through some similar things but my son is a little younger and it's male attention that he is seeking. He did have one person that really seemed to help him through but that person is no longer in our lives. I think it affected him the most as he really liked him. I made a few phone calls, spoke to people and they gave me numbers to get in touch with some counsellors. I know it's a slow process but we need to do what we need to do to help our children cope. It is after all our responsibility to teach the children and there's nothing wrong with getting outside help. This counsellor is able to provide little important details that we may not be thinking of. Hang in there. | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/23/2007 7:06:50 AM | | Big bro/sis is a good way to go or if your involed in a church. I'm guessing your ex is not involed as much as she needs to be. I would say if you 2 can work on a friendship for any kids involed that would be the best way to go. I raised my son and both daughters by myself with out their mother being involed at all so I do know how your feeling. None of us know what is going on but I will say get him involed with people he can talk with because it is so important at that age. I know were all busy with life but go out of your way to be with him even if it's just playin catch. | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/23/2007 7:14:39 AM | Fishingpond...to be completely honest with you, I'm not sure you can fix what is bothering your son....his Mom needs to step in and have a talk with him. It is her remarrying that is bringing this on and she needs to be the one to reassure him that she still loves him and that just because she is getting married, doesn't mean that he is still not important to her.
Perhaps though, given that you have full custody of him, the mother doesn't love her son much (if she accepted your having full custody of her child....it does beg the question why) or is not the right person to help him even if it is her choices that is causing the issue.
Perhaps your son was hoping that at some point his parents would live together again and the knowledge that his Mom is about to remarry is squashing that hope with a finality that he just cannot deal with emotionally. You can try to reassure him and be extra attentive to him to compensate for his feelings of loss and pray that he gets through this. You could also have him see a counsellor as others have suggested.
It is indeed unfortunate that he doesn't have equal access to his parents but I am sure there are good reasons for this being this way. | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/23/2007 2:32:19 PM | because his mother is getting remaried
can you talk with Mom? If Mom is who he is missing, why look for a replacement. If you talk with Mom in a non threatening non confrontational or accusatory manner - just let her know son misses her and needs some love. Most moms would respond - she may just be preoccupied and needs a little nudge. I always look for the simplest solution first. He may just need some love from MOm that he isnt losing her. My Mom died when I was 12 so I can relate a little. good luck | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/23/2007 4:24:17 PM |
itsallinthesoul
Perhaps though, given that you have full custody of him, the mother doesn't love her son much (if she accepted your having full custody of her child....it does beg the question why) or is not the right person to help him even if it is her choices that is causing the issue.
wow, that is a big leap there, saying that mom must not love her son because she doesnt have custody? maybe OP is a better parent (see Britney Spears) Nowhere does he say the son doesnt have access to his mom - maybe reading what the post says, instead of what you think it says will allow you to make a better response?
It bugs me because it sounds like you are saying that any parent that doesnt have primary custody obviously doesnt love their child?? | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/23/2007 9:02:46 PM | I didn't claim it as fact, just questioned whether or not the Mom is that involved with the child italiantexan...but if Mom doesn't have custody, it does beg the question why....given that the courts are very much skewed towards moms (rightly or wrongly). As for Britney, I don't think of her as much of a role model for anyone with her recent behaviour...does she love her kids? She might but she has an odd way of showing it.
If a parent loves their child, they fight to be in their child's life. That is my opinion and I believe I am entitled to it.
I read the ops post...he said
I'm a single father,with full custody of my son. | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/23/2007 10:48:49 PM | | Well i have a 11 year old and let me tell you alot of it is age, ive been called in to school cause hes actin like a fool, Like farting noises and just being a clown hes into girls and all that pre teenage stuff its a phase trust me. It sucks but the most you can do is be there for him and try not to laugh at the crazy things hes doing,lol. | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/24/2007 1:13:46 AM | | Hmmmm, talk to your ex, tell her whats up. Maybe if she knows shell make herself more available to him. Has he got anyone else? Grandma, Aunties, family friends etc? Make more effort to get to spend time with those folks on your side of the family if Mom wont step in. And, just always makes sure he knows hes needed and hes important. | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/24/2007 3:55:28 PM | | My question would be, does he even see his Mom? If so maybe she needs to be a little more attentive to him. If not, does he have an Aunt or anything? Maybe you need to spend more time with him doing stuff and hopefully he will tell you what is bothering him. | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 2/24/2007 4:21:10 PM | How sad for him to be so upset with his mother's remarriage.
Like so many posters said, it is probably not just any female attention he needs, most likely it is his mom's. He may have adjusted somewhat to not living with his mom, but to have her actually going on with her life and marrying again could be bringing up abandonment issues (possibly old feelings being brought back up). I think Big Brothers/Big Sisters hooks kids up with a mentor of the same gender, or at least they use to back when I was a volunteer for them, so that may not help.
My daughter had problems when my ex re-married and I tried counseling for her. It only helped to a certain extent because she really just wanted to feel pissy and really didn't want to work it out. Time helped though and her getting comfortable with the new wife helped too. I also got my younger sister who was only 10 years older than my daughter to spend a bit more time with her. Lots of love and patience and just being open for him to talk to you might help. Hopefully you are ok with your ex remarrying or your son might feel uncomfortable talking to you about it. Good luck. | |
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| I need help with this problem with my son.
Posted: 8/4/2008 10:41:55 AM | I just happened across your posting.
I'm the eldest of 9 and though I never fathered any of my own, I've 'adopted' 2 from one relationship and 1 from another. Both were long term and to this day and even though I have no obligations to any, I'm asked to come by and straighten things out. It doesn't make me an expert but I do have some experience. I also was a bit of a hell-raiser as a kid.
Well, if he's busting-out, it's because there's something bugging him.
Actually, let's start at the beginning.
The heart or the core of anyone, adult or child, starts with the first day they are born.
It's how they are reared.
If you have good, solid descend values and truly live them, these values will really take root and will always be in the back of his head.
This includes not just your words, but your actions, the way you dress, how well you keep yourself clean and shaven, the schedual you run, your poise and the way you walk, being just -meaning reward and punishment but never to the point of crushing.
We are not talking democracy here.
Nor are we talking some kind of a bloody communistic dictatorship.
He is what he is...a child and a child must be told what to do how, were and when...you are HIS FATHER and even tough you may live and die for him, he is in no way the boss.
Though one hand must be firm, the other must be gentle.
Too many parents today want to lower themselves to the level of their child in order to connect with them and try to barter as if they are little more than a merchant trying to get the best deal.
That is a stupid and insane approach, and as a son, a brother, a "father"(though it was temporary), and as a volunteer educator, I can promise you this approach has produced the next generation of basket cases.
As his father, you are the mold from which the case is formed.
Never expect your son to be any good if you cannot show him a model to follow suit from.
Being, good and just, brave and strong and benevolent...being virtuous are things you have to teach him -and believe me that will set the standard of his heart.
There is another important factor here and it can undo everything that you'll try do.
That thing is his surrounding evrionment.
The crap that comes on tv.
Put your foot through the damned thing if you have to.
Television is a teacher and a damned near evil one at that.
Some people have tried to defend the idiot box by saying there's good as well as bad on it and you just have to encourage your children to watch the right things.
C'mon, as a kid...the minute your parents aren't around, you're just gonna flick the channel as if that was such a huge challenge.
Shows like Friends are typical of what people think are family viewing and yet they have the most trailer-trash values and displays of irreverence that are typical of todays screwed-up people.
And as much as you can, seperate him from bad influences weither it be members of your own kin or a girlfriend with a lousy attitude.
But what I'm really getting at here is that...
You must be his standard.
You must be his shield.
You must be his anchor.
You must give him a good heart.
And finally...through this good heart of his which is his CONSCIENCE, you will always be able to reach him.
In this paticular case...with his school antics...this is my advise specifically.
Make a meeting with all his teachers at once with you and him there.
Keeping a few feet away from your son, and him standing infront of all his teachers apologise and firmly promise to mend his ways.
Make sure he stands and faces them and keep a little distance between he and you.
Don't leave the room.
My father did it to my brothers.
What it does is... it means all the monkeying around is over, he has to stand on his feet and face the music.
It will be a little humiliating and believe me there might be a few tears.
Right afterwards, don't let him stew.
Good attitude and feelings take time to grow.
Unfortunately, negative feelings such as resentment, want of revenge and anger are too easy to fall into.
It's our imperfect human nature that lends us folly far too easily.
As soon as it's over, have him shake hands with all his teachers and take him out of that situation immediately.
Tell him that you are proud to have him as your son especially now that he has proven not only to his teachers but especially to you that he has shown great character, bravery, and humility and that he has taken a further step to becoming a man.
Tell him also that though you didn't think that you could love him more, you love him that much more because of his honourable action.
Now take him for an ice-cream or toss a frizbee or something but here you have to hang-out with him in a good way.
As things settle down, drop the idea that if there's anything you want to say, you can always confide in your father.
Even narrating some past experiences of your own help to even the field a bit.
Going down to his level as these idiot councellors is a sure way to loose respect.
The only way to lower yourself to his level is to listen to him at his level but in speaking to him, you speak to him with the love, dignity and respect that only a father can have for his son.
As far as you are concerned...I know this is a crazy world and remember this you can only do the best you can.
You have to actually do your best though; no half tries here.
The rest, -just pray and hope.
Anyway, I hope this helps.
I've seen it as a proven method and I hope that even if you don't follow my advice, that you find a way.
Oh, one last word of advice.
Teachers...a lot of new teachers are idiots.
They think a young lad should be sitting like a prissy little thing and perfect all the time.
Boys, children, have fire in their blood.
It's normal for them to monkey around a little bit.
If a lot of teachers had it their way, they'd have the kids dopped-up on some crazy pills making them into walking zombies.
So many teachers a real snakes in the grass.
Listen to both sides and bring your bullshiy detector...
Good Luck Friend | |
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