A Field Guide To CYBER LOVERS!!!! Free Dating, Singles and Personals

A Field Guide To CYBER LOVERS!!!! Posted: 4/13/2005 10:23:27 PM
A range of different species of virtual lovers inhabits the jungles of cyber space. Some you will encounter locally and others are more exotic. Some are harmless and others are dangerous. Before you embark on your cyber love safari, grab your binoculars and this handy field guide to help you recognise the various types. Remember to wear protective clothing at all times and be ready to run very fast if you feel threatened by any of these creatures. The Serial People Meeter Type: Local Habitat: Chat rooms and singles sites, then anywhere they can meet you. Description: The Serial People Meeter will be very keen to meet you. He or she will be insistent about it, but as soon as you meet them you can expect them to lose interest, no matter how well you get along. After all, there are lots of other people to meet. The Serial People Meeter often grows old without a mate because he or she has no hope of meeting every potential romantic connection on the planet in a single lifetime. How to spot one: They never call. Mating habits: They rarely mate. Recommended defence: Meet somebody else. The Self-Centred Dullard Type: Local or exotic Habitat: Singles sites and chat rooms Description: You really have to meet the Self-Centred Dullard for their full potential to be revealed, but there can be some early warnings such as the long emails they write and the lack of questions they ask you about yourself. These people believe they are the most fascinating creatures in the universe. This may be a self-defence mechanism because they are usually dull people with dull jobs who have lived dull lives. Still, you can’t get a word in edgewise as they tell you every detail at least once. How to spot one: They talk for hours without asking you a single question. Mating habits: They only stop talking about themselves for long enough to mate. Recommended defence: Invent a pressing engagement. The Perfection Seeker Type: Local or exotic Habitat: Singles sites Description: The Perfection Seeker is always seeking somebody who is younger or more successful than they are themselves. But that’s not enough. They are also seeking the perfect personality. Like the Serial People Meeter above, they tend to meet lots of people because nobody ever measures up. They wonder why they’re lonely, but continue to live in hope. How to spot one: They never look impressed. Mating habits: Most likely to mate into a test tube. Recommended defence: Move on. The Eternal Emailer Type: Local or exotic Habitat: Singles sites and in front of their own computers. Description: The Eternal Emailer never wants to meet you. Often they’ve been hurt or wounded, but usually they have a passionate fear of rejection. It is no risk for them to lie about their age or to send false photos to you. They never intend to meet you, so they won’t be caught out. How to spot one: They make constant excuses not to get together. Mating habits: They only mate virtually. Recommended defence: Deliver an ultimatum. The Great Pretender Type: Local or exotic Habitat: Chat rooms Description: This person seeks instant gratification and will say anything in order to get it. Chat rooms deliver this best, so you find the Great Pretender typing away online at all hours. They may be pretending to be younger, older, more important, more beautiful or even a different sex than they actually are. Almost everything they say is a lie, but they want you to be impressed at the time they say it. The Great Pretender lives life online. How to spot one: They sound too good to be true. Mating habits: They mate with their computers. Recommended defence: Avoid chat rooms. The Amorous Dreamer Type: Usually exotic Habitat: Singles sites Description: You’re more likely to hear from the Amorous Dreamer if you have a nice photograph posted on a site. This person will then fall instantly and passionately in love with the photograph. Then they’ll attribute all the fantasy qualities they have ever dreamed of to the photograph and, by association, to you. Don’t even think about trying to be yourself. The Amorous Dreamer has already filled in all the gaps with his or her own imagination. How to spot one: Their first email is a love letter. Mating habits: They only mate in their imaginations. Recommended defence: Don’t ever take them seriously. The Sexy Suitor Type: Exotic or local Habitat: Singles sites, chat rooms, your bedroom or any reasonably flat surface Description: The exotic Sexy Suitor wants to exchange erotic fantasies with you within a few emails. The local variety will suggest sex when you first meet, even if it’s just for coffee. Dirty talk in chat rooms also has strong appeal, as does heavy breathing into the telephone. They may be married. How to spot one: The language they speak is sex, not English. Mating habits: They mate any place, any time, but usually with their own kind. Recommended defence: Embrace them or avoid them like the plague. The Hooded Misery Bird Type: Exotic or local Habitat: Singles sites Description: These people are life’s victims. Their deep unhappiness is always somebody else’s fault. They may be unhappily married and permanently on the verge of leaving, or they may be single and hoping you will save them. They criticise everything with a relentless and depressing negativity. Their boss is out to get them. There’s a litany of people in their lives who have treated them badly, starting from their parents. How to spot one: They’re never happy. Mating habits: If you don’t mate with them, they’ll consider suicide. Recommended defence: Don’t see them again. The Eternal Soul Mate Type: Local or exotic Habitat: Singles sites Description: Probably the commonest species inhabiting the Internet, the Eternal Soul Mate is waiting for that message from the universe that says you are the one. They may have been married before, but tend to consider anything that didn’t last forever as a waste of time. They may be undergoing a mid life crisis. They are seeking long-term love, not friendship. They expect a bolt of lightning when your eyes meet. How to spot one: If there’s no lightning bolt, they lose interest within minutes. Mating habits: They mate with their souls. Recommended defence: Don’t take it personally. The Checklist Cheetah Type: Local Habitat: Singles sites Description: This one knows exactly what he or she wants. They have a detailed list of their requirements that are usually specified in their profiles. While they listen to you intently they are actually mentally matching your answers with the boxes on their mental checklist. They have no hope of enjoying the person they meet as their only pleasure comes from ticking off answers in their heads. Have you been married? What books do you read? Do you want to travel? Do you like children? And so on. How to spot one: They ask lots of questions that may seem disjointed. Mating habits: They only mate with people who get "ticks" on their sex checklist. Recommended defence: Call the game. The Wounded Limpet Type: Local or exotic Habitat: Singles sites Description: This sad creature is still licking wounds made years ago. It may be a failed marriage or a series of failed relationships. The Wounded Limpet’s whole life is coloured by some past hurt. They’re unhappy, but don’t necessarily blame anyone else for it. They’re seeking answers. They’re fascinated by everything you say. Their intense attention and sensitivity can seem terribly attractive, but if happiness starts to find them they may run because deep down they feel unworthy of it. How to spot one: They’re attractive but unhappy. Mating habits: They’re usually too frightened to mate. Recommended defence: Don’t fall in love. The Piebald Parenter Type: Local Habitat: Singles sites and junk food outlets Description: "Love me, love my children," is the mating call of the Piebald Parenter. Their offspring feature prominently in the photo accompanying a profile about life as a single parent and how wonderful the rug rats are. Expect a family outing to MacDonalds on your first date and if the kids don’t like you, you’re history. How to spot one: The kids are always there. Mating habits: Been there, done that. Recommended defence: Steal junior’s playstation. The Spotted Cyber Stalker Type: Local Habitat: Singles sites Description: This person initially seems very interesting. They respond to emails at length and immediately. They’re keen to meet, but on meeting you might find that something is not quite right. They may well be too keen to get into a serious relationship immediately. They think you’re wonderful, but you’re not quite so sure. They’ve usually had a bad marriage. When you try to back off they start calling you and won’t stop. They think they’re in love and that you are their soul mate. How to spot one: The passion isn’t mutual. Mating habits: They mate for life (whether you like it or not). Recommended defence: Change your telephone number. The Fleet-Footed Road Runner Type: Local Habitat: Singles sites Description: You’ll have a wonderful time for most of your first date with the Fleet-Footed Road Runner. The two of you will have so much in common you might even finish each other’s sentences. Then, just when you’re expecting some acknowledgement of this special communication, the Fleet-Footed Road Runner gets up leaves with barely a curt farewell. Have you suddenly turned into a monster? What did you do to scare them off? Nothing, my dear. The Road Runner is frightened of somebody much scarier than you. They’re frightened of themselves. The moment something looks like working out, they run for their lives. How to spot one: The cloud of dust behind them. Mating habits: You have to catch them first. Recommended defence: A deep sigh of relief. The Bio Clock Watcher Type: Local Habitat: Singles sites and fertility clinics Description: Lonely and approaching 40? Oh, no! You were so busy with your career that you forgot to have children. But there’s still time if you hurry…The male Clock Watcher is only interested in fertile women under 40. The female of the species is only interested in men who are interested in breeding. How to spot one: They go "Tick-Tock". Mating habits: Strictly unprotected. Recommended defence: Get yourself sterilised. The Crested Commitment Phobe Type: Local Habitat: Singles sites and chat rooms Description: Expect to date the Crested Commitment Phobe five or six times. You’ll get along pretty well, too, but something isn’t quite right. You’ll spend time at your place and meet your friends. They don’t want you see where they live or meet anyone they know. They may be generous with money, but mean in spirit. If you insist, they’ll dump you. They never want you to get too close. How to spot one: They never invite you home. Mating habits: Strictly at your place. Recommended defence: Move on. The Bitter Tongued Bustard Type: Local or exotic Habitat: Singles sites and chat rooms Description: Either divorced or separated, but never happily, the Bitter Tongued Bustard staggers under the weight of its own emotional baggage. Their profiles give them away. They’re always seeking "real honesty" or "true commitment" or "somebody who understands loyalty". Bitter Tongued Bustards blame their exes for their miserable predicament. Expect endless conversations about unfair property settlements and the perfidy of the partner who betrayed them. Then expect them to find those very qualities in you. How to spot one: They always talk about their exes. Mating habits: Mate with them at your peril. Recommended defence: Tell them to get a life. The Fan Tailed Fantasy Fish Type: Local or exotic Habitat: Singles sites and chat rooms Description: Vanity, vanity. Fan Tailed Fantasy Fish tell you in their profiles how handsome/beautiful they are and they expect no less from you. The physical characteristics they are seeking feature prominently in their profiles. It doesn’t matter what sort of person you are. It only matters whether you’re a worthy foil for their stunning good looks. How to spot one: If you’re not gorgeous they look then leave. Mating habits: With the lights on, in front of a mirror. Recommended defence: Kick them to the kerb.