| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/16/2007 12:52:00 PM | | How many of you that have suffered at the hands of a violent partner have found it hard to trust again? I dont feel that I'll ever be able to get close to a guy again. It's left me with so many emotional scars. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/16/2007 12:53:53 PM | I've been through it
alot of people have
and you just have to work to get over it
councelling helps
not all men/women hit!!
I've learned that :)
You will be able to trust and love again! if YOU let yourself | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/16/2007 12:54:08 PM | Yes, I have.
I have yet to accuse someone over the sins of another. I have become very good at seeing the signs of the possiblilty of it though. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/16/2007 1:02:50 PM | I'm sorry to hear about your hurtful past and you have every right to excersize all the caution that you need. Emotional scars do heal in time especially with the help of counselling. Hopefully one day you can heal enough to understand that not all relationships are mired with violence, and take the step to open your heart again, but of course not until you are ready.
I've learned that violence is not limited to one sex. I dated a young woman once a few times, and then while drinking she threw a plate at me after misunderstanding something I said. All her appologies were in vain since I immeadiately left and ended the relationship without hesitation. There are far too many good people in this world to accept that kind of behaviour.
I wish you all the best. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/16/2007 1:09:32 PM | I have been there as well... I say learn to trust yourself and your feelings... build healthy boundaries and take the time to heal... you will be able to trust again in time if you want to...
I honestly believe that some pain and scars actually enrich your ability to love even deeper next time... if you will allow it :) | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/16/2007 1:09:55 PM | I'm really pleased you had the guts to leave her.
At one stage in my life if someone had asked me what to do when there in a violent relationship I would of said "Walk away" But you dont actually realise how hard it is untill you are in that position your self. I stayed for a year and a half I only left because my baby son gave me the courage.
I know Deep in my heart not all men are bad guys. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/16/2007 1:13:34 PM | | As a male (and not a tiny one), I have not had to deal with this. But I think this is the same problem that anyone can have if they've been hurt badly both physically or emotionally. Just try to remember that people are individuals and the next guy should be viewed with a clean slate. If you find that you simply cannot get over your apprehensions then perhaps talking to a professional wouldn't be a bad idea. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/19/2007 9:18:19 PM | I think people who have been in difficult relationships not just abusive ones find it hard to trust again too. Not just trusting someone, but allowing yourself to open up again, get to know someone and get close to someone can be a very difficult thing....
I have always wanted a serious relationship, and true love and maybe that is why in my past I kinda rushed into a relationship and it never worked out. I feel as though I have given so much of myself to these guys and got nothing except stress and hurt in return. I know I have ended a few of the relationships and maybe broken a heart or two but that is because I didnt feel I was recieving as much care, respect or love as I was trying to give. Its a very difficult thing when you care about someone so much, and the love is just not there, or things just dont work out. Its hard to let yourself live and love again after all the mistakes you have been through in the past.
But when you think of the good times you had and not just the bad it makes it worth it, and everyone makes mistakes.. and you cant hold yourself back by worrying that it will happen again, and just to let go and let love and life take its course.. what would life be like if we didnt take any chances right?
I just feel so tired, drained emotionally and physically and I have been through too much to be hurt and sad again because of a relationship I thought could be love...... and really it wasnt but we convinced ourselves it was just because we wanted or needed love in our lives.
better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.... as the saying goes.
I think it just takes time... some people more time than others maybe.... and that is what I need too.. before I can trust myself to not allow myself to be hurt again and to trust someone to not hurt me. Once were comfortable with the idea of allowing ourselfs to make mistakes and possibly get hurt again, like taking a risk... and not being scared.. will be the time when we have finally moved on... or are ready for someone and something new.
Love takes time, and so does healing.. when you have been hurt emotionally and physically like this the only way you can trust again is to rid life of the fear.... the fear of future disapointments, and to realize there will always be difficult times, but it only makes the good times seem even better   | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/19/2007 11:06:10 PM | | take it from someone who has almost died from the hands of a loved one. It takes time. Lots of time. You have to focus on yourself for a good while and when the time is right, face your fears. Face the abuser. Once you do that. You will be ready to love and trust. Not all will hit or mentally abuse you. There are many out there who do not believe in that. To stay guarded and reserved only hurts you in the long run. You find yourself very hollow. Hard to establish anything real. Just give yourself time to heal and then face that fear before jumping into anything. If you need anything feel free to contact me privately. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/19/2007 11:14:51 PM | Hi Smiles,
I was in a physically abusive relationship when I was 19 and since that relationship I was cautious and watched for the "red" flags and behaviours that would give me an indication that he had a violent nature. That was the only physically abusive relationship that I've been in, but I did develop trust issues that started with this relationship and perpetuated into other relationships. Unfortunately, this man also emotionally and psychologically abused me and this compounded my trust issues.
Addressing the situation that you went through and working it out in your mind is very important for you emotional well being and, in my opinion, best done with a counsellor that works with abused women; through the process you'll find that you'll will be able to put things to rest and leave it in the past. A lot of people that suffer from abusive tend to "blame" themselves and think that there is something wrong with them. When you first became involved with this man you did not know that he was capable of being violent and so it's important not to blame youself for being involved with him; it isn't your fault.
Through support groups and counselling I am better equiped to deal with my trust issues that I continue to work through til this day. One of the biggest tools that I've adapted is to establish firm boundaries for myself. For me, I can recognize what types of behaviour and situations that bring up trust issues for me and I don't avoid the situation, but make sure I address the issue and establish boundies around the situation with the person; if the person does not respects my boundaries then I walk away from the situation. I don't need to put myself through situations that create turmoil in my life.
I pray for strength and healing for you and hope that you will find inner peace and serenity along your journey.
Tiffi | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 1:48:48 AM | FOR ME trust is not the issue. The tell tale signs are what I tend to lean more towards. If a person show's signs of insecurity and instability, and thinks the world owes them something, then I steer well away from them.
I focus on how they react towards other people given a stressful situation and their reaction to that given situation.
I know that at the FIRST sign of disrespect for me, my family and friends, they are a person to stay clear of.
violent people should NEVER get a second chance.
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rwcul
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Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 13 | |
| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 2:11:31 AM | trust is a hard thing to have when you are abused and beat down both physically and emotionally. there will be a day tho hun that you will let go with someone. hes gonna be a really special guy tho. he'll be your best friend for a long time before that trust will come out but when it does is when you will realize your love for him. it took me a long time to trust and it took my best friend Roger to bring that out of me. i was a hateful **** to him for years but he stood by me through it all. thats who will get your trust back and make you love again.
this was told to me over the phone by my friend after i read this post to her. i thought i would share it with you hun in the hopes that it would help.
by the way, she told me she loves me right after. and told me thanks for being there. didnt even know i was being that good of a friend. so hun, just take your time. trust will get there but you have to find the right one to trust first. maybe your best friend. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 2:19:56 AM | Over the years i have had two partners that were violent.
First one started with the odd slap across the face and got progresively worse until she came at me with a meat fork...that was time to leave.
Second was an ex coke addict and an alcoholic at the time so i guess that was partly my fault for going there in the first place.
As far as not trusting....well, trust is earned and so i think with the right person we will all be able to trust again some day.... | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 2:43:08 AM | You can trust if you learn to be observant. Let's face it, and this includes me, since my first ex was abusive... We saw the signs early on and ignored them. We were in *lurve* and too busy to notice.
Watch and listen. See the flags. Assess the situation. Be careful. The trust will come. I would get some counseling and see what attracts you to abusers. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 4:25:12 AM | I have been there and it is hard to begin with. I have realised not all men are like this though and it has made it a lot easier to trust. Of course to start with you will still be weary, its only natural!
Just remember there are decent guys out there too! | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 4:40:43 AM | | I truly feel the most important factor in being able to move forward is being able to view the person who hurt you as a specific individual. A man hurt you, not men as a whole. Use caution when moving forward look for the tell tail signs. I know how you are feelling and have been there. You can also view dating and trusting again as a friendship. If a friend hurts you, you would not stop seeking friends. You would avoid friends with the qualities like the friend who hurt you, therefore you seek to find a companion to trust. Seek a companion who does not have the like qualities of the individual who hurt you. You are well aware of the signs that individual portrayed. Look cautiously for those signs and don't be quick to trust anyone. If an individual truly wants to get to know you as a person they will make an effort and their intentions will be evident. Move forward cautiously, if you don't give anyone a chance you may be missing out on someone special. A happy medium needs to occure. Being too quick to trust could prove problematic, not trusting at all will cause you to be lonely. Good luck on all your future endeavors. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 6:20:20 AM | As a man it's hard to tell people that i lived with a very violent wife.
I'v lost all trust in all women but hope i'll find one someday.
I want to be with someone again but how do you tell someone you don't like human contact and you need time.
Abuse is bad in any shape or form..
I lost everything i believed in.
I want to make love again but not have sex..
can some understand. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 6:47:18 AM |
As a man it's hard to tell people that i lived with a very violent wife.
Trust me, I believe you! mark a43. My brother in law suffered the same fate from my sister. I saw his bruises and bite marks, and I saw the holes punched in doors at their home. There are some 'sick' people out there, and I'm all for supporting him as I am aware of what he has gone through. It's taken him a long time to learn to trust again, (he has a new love) and to this day he swears he will never live with another woman ever again.
Just for the record, my sister is now known as the person "formally known as my sister" OUR connections ended due to her violent behaviour almost two years ago. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 7:06:42 AM | Domestic violence isn't just about being physically abused, it can also be emotional and mental abuse.
After my separation, I was feeling so down and couldn't seem to snap out of this 'oh woe is me' feeling, so I went to see a counsellor to help me get back on track. At the third or fourth session, she told me that I was abused in my marriage. I got very uspet and told her that my ex never laid a hand on me, whereas she explained to me that I was emotionally and mentally abused - which can cut even deeper than physical abuse. That was hard to hear as I had always said that if someone laid a hand on me I'ld be out the door in a heartbeat.
I thought about this constantly and realized that she was right, and would have to work through this to get better. Our next session - I said to her - I wish I could just forgive him and then all this black feeling in my heart would just go away, and she said - "have you ever thought about forgiving yourself?" WTF - I took a fit - I didn't do anything wrong...what do I have to forgive myself for???? I was so mad I stomped out of the office and never returned.
A month or so later, I was thinking about this conversation, and realized that she was right. I felt guilty for staying in a dead end relationship, putting my kids through things they didn't have to go through. I realized that I had chosen to stay in this relationship, cause I was too afraid to start over on my own, and probably put our whole family through a lot more than was necessary.
So.....I forgave myself.....and immediately it was like this weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I'll never forget my daughter coming into the kitchen the next morning and seeing me sitting at the table talking with my Mom....she stopped short and said. Oh Mommy you got your smile back!!!!
From that day forward, it's like my life turned around. My attitude changed and therefore so did my life. I found when I started dating again......being afraid really wasn't an issue, and although I've not been with anyone who was anything like my husband, I'm 100% sure I'ld see the signs, and not make the same mistakes twice. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 7:55:11 AM | Wow, well i was abused mentally and physiaclly for 3 1/2 years i finally drew the straw and he was sent to prison after trying to take my life in front of my 4 children. omg i was so afraid. of many thing's the thought's that ran through my head what if.... i will be alone. i will never trust again. he get's out and is angerier. where do i go? who do i talk to? his family the ones that stood by my side threw this whole thing suddenly turned there back on me. ouch.
there was this one man whom stood by my side threw it all . god he makes me laugh, cry in a good way. trust, open honesty, i have not felt this loved and have not loved in years. i can't wait to see his smile and feel the smile he give me. i have givin him my all.... i let the wall down we have been best friends friends for 4 years and sexuall, lovers, as one for a year.
well he told me last last night it was over  he didn't want to go on he is very uncomfortable with the fact that his family might find out about our relationship. see this MAN i thought was my BEST friend. you don't have friends well i was never allowed..is leaving me. GOD this hurts mor then the broken noses i have recieved. my eyes hurt from crying i rather the blacken eye.... do i start AGAIN?? what do i do now... there is that Q...... i came on pof. after he was sent away to see that there are real people out here.and i con't to talk to people even when my belly is flipping over and over and my heart has 100tons on it. i have not slept all night. and haven't eaten. don't know when i will. but i do know that...HUm no i don't know anything any more.  | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 8:31:51 AM | Sweetie, it is not about trusting someone else, it is trusting yourself.
Juliet, great post.
You are not the same woman that became involved with your abuser. You are smarter and you know things that will prevent your going down that path again even if you are unfortunate and end up again facing a potentially abusive individual.
Review the tools that you have. You do not date anyone that exhibits any jealousy, you break it off immediately. If you date someone that exhibits controlling behavior, you call him on it and if it continues, you break it off. Someone starts calling you names whether while in fights or just in general, you break it off. All of the things that you know are signs of abusers, you avoid, simple.
Even if you fall for someone that starts to exhibit those qualities, you don't stay with him because of the feelings and the 'can't live without him' mentality, you know how that relationship will end and you might not be so fortunate the next time. You long ago abandoned that type of thinking, the 'I will die without this man in my life;' you are here, you are alive, and the scars inside and out have started to heal.
You have the power over your own life. You determine how you will be treated and whether someone remains in your life. You know now that no amount of love or sense of security is worth living with someone that does not treat you properly. Alone is better than being with someone that does not appreciate who and what you are.
Most importantly, the next man you meet is not THAT man. If you do not let people into your life, your X is still controlling you, he just doesn't hit you anymore. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 8:59:46 AM | With counseling, and time, and the desire to "want" to be with a man again, most victims of domestic abuse are usually able to enter relationships, and be happy doing so. It takes time to heal after leaving a relationship where at the hands of someone who manipulated, violated, and abused another, the scars are taken with you. It works the same way, whether the victim is male or female.
I was abused in a couple relationships, however I knew how to cope with it appropriately since I had the tools. I ended the relationships pretty quickly. It's important to work on yourself after being abused, not only focusing on being a victim, and expressing feelings, but focusing also on how you became one, and how to avoid having it happen again.
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 9:20:36 AM | | Considering that you are only 20, it might be best if you stayed out of serious relationships for the time being, and worked on improving the other parts of your life. There are many good books about abusive relationships, try reading some of them. That way, when you are eventually ready to try a new partner, you will be confident in what to look for and what to avoid. | |
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| Domestic Violence and trust?
Posted: 2/20/2007 9:24:33 AM | | I have been there too and there are early warning signs in the beginning and throughout the relationship. I cannot get into them all here but I am sure there are places to go and get pamphlets or books on this subject matter. I trust anyone until given a reason not to, then I never trust them again not even if they tell me the sky is blue. | |
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