| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 4:36:47 PM | OK, so in a nutshell my situation is this-my daughters father has not been in my life since I was 6 weeks pregnant. When I told him I was pregnant he told me to get an abortion, when I refused he told me he wanted nothing to do with the child and that I should "find someone else to raise it" and a few other choice words...and that was our last conversation. I ended up changing my number a week later and did not bother to contact him because I wanted to have a stress free pregnancy, I figured I would worry about it later.
A month before I had her I decided the time had come to contact him, to let him know about his impending fatherhood and see if he had a change of heart...just giving him the benefit of the doubt that if he had changed his mind and was unable to contact me, I would never want to deprive a man from being there when his child was born. Unfortunately, his number is no longer working. I wrote him a letter and it came back return to sender. He seems to have dropped off the face of the planet. This was a long distance relationship so I don't associate with any of his friends, although I do have a couple of their phone numbers. I also have his parents phone number and adress. I am contemplating contacting either one of his friends or his parents to get his current contact information, but I'm not sure if I should even bother. Just to clarify, I do not want child support from him. If he wants to be involved in his daughters life I would be open to that but I don't need, nor do I want his money if he doesn't want to be there. I can't force him to be a father and I can support myself. So this is more about giving him the benefit of the doubt that what he said in the beginning was out of shock and anger and that he does now want to step up to the plate. Even though the chances of that happeneing are pretty slim, at least I could tell my daughter I did everything I could you know?
Do you guys think it is worth it for me to pursue this? Or should I just let it go and move on... | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 4:52:03 PM | Depends on what kind of father you think he would make.
Personally, if you're not in absolute need of the child support or something, I'd write him off. With luck, you'll find someone else who loves both of you and she won't be old enough to know any better at that time.
I wouldn't want anybody in my life that wouldn't be part of it!
I'm a single dad raising two kids of my own, and I personally would be happier not to have their mother in their lives. She's uninterested in the kids, and the kids feel that, it tears them up when she doesn't call like she says she will, or makes promises about birthdays and christmases that never happen, or makes statements about me that the kids know just aren't true.
You have a golden opportunity here - you can leave him out of the picture entirely!
Find someone who belongs in both your lives, someone you want as the dad to your daughter and who wants your daughter and you for himself! | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 4:52:29 PM | | This is all to familiar lol. My daughters father left about a week after I told him I was pregnant and I havent heard from him since. I had his parents phone number and address and went over to visit them...but thats another story. I didn't/dont want child support from him, just wanted to give him the opportunity to be in her life. I think you SHOULD contact him, just to give him the benefit of the doubt. The worst thing that can happen is that he chooses to not be around - no different from the current situation right? Even after I got ahold of him, he told me to let his daughter know he was dead - again, another topic LOL. But I think it IS worth it, so you can at least say you tried. If she gets older and wants to look for him, she can. Right now she's young, and its your job to do what you can for her. Good luck and keep me posted. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 5:01:50 PM | i wouldn't. my story was similar, and every time i run into the chicken-boy on the street, he gives her a dirty look and walks away. not the kind of man i want raising my child.
he ought to be financially supporting her, but i wouldn't try to force him into the life of a child he doesn't want anything to do with. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 5:04:40 PM | I have to agree with Snowangel83. You should make some attempt to locate the guy. You don't need to hire a PI's or anything. But make some type of reasonable effort to put the word out in circles he might come across, IE his family, that he is a dad now.
If he doesn't bother to contact you, fine, let it be... But you will find you might sleep better at night knowing you at least did your small part in this matter. Good Luck to you in the this venture. And I do hope for the your Daughter's Sake he does become involved. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 5:12:42 PM | Rustmouse that is so sad that she treats your kids that way...and thats EXACTLY what I am afraid of...I never want her to be sitting by the phone waiting for him to call or sad because they made plans and he never showed and I hate to say it but I can totally see him being flaky like that at best...but at the same time, I just feel like she should know him, I can't imagine not knowing who my biological father was...ahh this is really hard I just want to do what is best for her  | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 5:57:24 PM | Were you in a relationship with him or was this casual sex?
Had the two of you discussed what would happen if a pregnancy were to occur prior to it actually happening?
Also, although you may be able to support yourself and your daughter, it is your daughter's right to receive support from both parents, and the money he could be contributing could be her future college tuition or even her first car. I think that you owe it to your daughter to make an effort into contacting her father and his family so that you have information to pass on to her about her family history at the very least, and the courts will understand your desire to protect your child from an uninvolved, irresponsible, or unreliable parent. I understand the issue about rejection, but since he's made it clear he doesn't want any involvement, the courts very well may hold him to that while still ordering child support. This is dependent on the laws in your state, obviously.
Personally, I'd go after child support at least to get it on the record and give her something in which she could seek payment for when she is old enough to make her own decisions. I don't see why she ought to go without his support and she can sue him for it down the line if you set it up. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 6:00:38 PM | remabe6836:
If anything else, at least let the babies grandparents know they have a grand baby. Even if the father has just up and gone, they deserve to know they have an extesion of themselves now too. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 6:03:32 PM | Her DNA is sufficient record, and in court, unless there's something seriously wrong with the guy, he will be allowed to be a part of the kid's life.
Now, if he's already this uninvolved, how do you think the child will feel to grow up being rejected by her father? Do you think obligating him to child support will make him suddenly want to become a daddy?
I'm for leaving him in the dark and not having him involved in the poor kid's life (screwing it up). | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 6:14:11 PM | Babylonia-I was in a relationship with him, albeit a fairly new one...we were together for about 4 months, but we were pretty serious and in the process of getting an apartment together when I found out I was pregnant. We didn't specifically talk about what would happen if I got pregnant, I was on birth control and I naively thought it could never happen...but we did talk about abortion and he knew my stand on it and that I would never have one personally.
As far as child support...I know not everyone agrees with me on that but the way I see it if he doesn't want to be involved I would much rather sever all ties with him. Plus, he's a loser and doesn't have any money. It's just not worth it to me to go through all of that. Money isn't everything.
DeadboltDad-I was considering letting his parents know but they are strict Baptists and very judgemental, I don't think they would be overjoyed that they had an out-of-wedlock grandchild. Plus I feel like it is his place to tell them, not mine. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 6:28:14 PM |
Her DNA is sufficient record, and in court, unless there's something seriously wrong with the guy, he will be allowed to be a part of the kid's life.
Well, chances are there is something seriously wrong with the guy, and I think it is a good thing to try to involve the parents and if he screws up, then she can haul his butt back to court and re-evaluate the visitations. It's very different depending on where a person lives. I have heard of a few cases where the non-custodial parent was so irresponsible and unreliable that the custodial parent refused to continue to make plans and watch his children become disappointed all over and was successful in court when he raised the issue of how much this harmed his children.
Now, if he's already this uninvolved, how do you think the child will feel to grow up being rejected by her father? Do you think obligating him to child support will make him suddenly want to become a daddy?
I believe a child is owed that money, and I also believe the OP will find a wonderful man who will take her daughter on like his own. Still, I am of the belief that it isn't in the best interests of the child to not seek out what is owed that child. I have no expectation on him even paying the support, but I think it's a positive thing to have it as a matter of public record that the court has ordered it so that the child may seek to collect when they are old enough to, or if the custodial parent does have legal recourse to garnish wages.
Ultimately, I do think that giving the parents every opportunity to step up is in the child's best interest overall. If the father decides not to, at least there is a legal record of it. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 6:31:47 PM | Hi Remabe,
These are only my opinions and what I might do if I were in that position. You know your situation best and you must follow your instincts. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 7:39:07 PM | This is my opinion and you can like it or leave it.
There are other people involved here beside the biological father. Since you cannot contact him directly as you have stated with the returned mail and number out of service.
You do have his parents contact information. They have a right to know their grandchild and your child has the right to know them as well. The child will already grow up with some identity issues as it stands. No matter how much you strive to be the best parent to your child and provide them with everything they need there will always be a part of them that is missing. Many times we have heard adopted children state that they knew something was missing in their lives or something that just did not feel right.
I have a friend who became pregnant in a similiar situation as you. I cannot predict if the same scenario will play out in your life as was in hers. The father wanted nothing to do with her son but his family embraced her and their grandchild. Their relationship grew into a mutual fondness for each other and before the grandfather died she often brought her boyfriend at the time (her husband now) on weekend visits with them. They were extremely grateful to be in their grandson's life.
I commend you for making the effort but if you fail in finding him think about including them. And if they too fail to acknowledge then you know that you have done all that you could.
JMHO.  | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 8:28:26 PM | I can't force him to be a father and I can support myself.
I think you have answered your own question right here.
He knows he has a child, if he wants a relationship with her, he will make the effort. Dont hold his hand in this.
I would contact the grandparents ONCE. If they want to be in their grandchilds life, they will after your first attempt/contact. Best of luck to you.  | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/16/2007 11:30:05 PM |
Do you guys think it is worth it for me to pursue this? Or should I just let it go and move on...
At a minimum contact his parents and let them know they a have a beautiful, new grand-daughter. They may want to be in her life. They may even convince their son to play some sort of role in his daughter's life.
If he doesn't come around at least when you daughter is old enough to realize and comprehend the situation you can look your daugther in her eyes and say you did everything you could. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/17/2007 1:40:11 AM | This thread hits a really sore spot within me, My son is turning 9 in May, he's never met his dad. I always wanted that for my son but he seems smarter than me hahahaha......One day we were talking about familys and he just said I know I dont have a daddy but I do have the best mommy in the whole world, mommy I dont mind waiting for a good dad my dad is not good. When my son was born I did try...I sent pictures and invites to meet his new baby boy but no response, at this point I have struggles way to hard to even consider letting him see his child and disruppting my son, greedy no......its for the sake of my child and he comes first, and thats what you have to be prepared to do for your daughter, if hes not interested let it go....both of you are way better off.
Big huge smiles and a big hug to you and that baby daughter. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/17/2007 1:48:37 AM | | And by the way it cost huge amounts in child care just so you can work, never mind all the other costs while they grow..............that baby girl and you deserve a life.....absoultly go to the courts and put an order in for child maintence...In BC for a baby to go to day care its 40 a day | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/17/2007 2:34:45 AM | | My son is five years old and his father has nothing to do with him or his other son that is 12 . My son tells me all the time that he wants his daddy , So I would take him to his fathers house . Most of the time he wouldn't even open the door and speak to his son . I wish I would have never introduced my son to his dad . When his dad and I was together he had another son and he was a great father or at least I thought so , we always had his son over all the time and he did alot with his son and my daughter . When our child was born it was like he realized he didn't want to be a father at all . I think that you should try and contact your daughters father . At least later on in life when your child ask you can tell them the truth . | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/17/2007 10:25:03 AM | Look into Alchemy. It's the art of turning lead into Gold!!!
With your thick skull and persistence, you may succeed in that field.
Then use the skills you gain to turn him into 'Daddy'! You win both ways.
Good Luck and Aloha... | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/17/2007 10:45:35 AM | | you were right to try and contact him, your conscience is clear. whether you try and pursue his whereabouts further is really up to yourself, personally i wouldnt. i wish you both all the best x | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/17/2007 11:53:54 AM | | i think you should contact his parents. they have a right to see baby aswell. that way when baby is older she will know you did your best to get him to see her. otherwise it could go very wrong. so contact the parents, the friend anyone who is contactable. and if he doesn't want to know he doesn't want to know | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/17/2007 12:33:30 PM | | remabe6836- I was in a similiar situation with my little girl's dad and I think that you should try to make contact with the baby's father almost the exact conversation he told me that I should have an abortion but after I had the baby we started talking and he is in her life now so it does not hurt to try and even though his parents are strict baptist you will never know what they will do or say even though it is his place to tell them he may not and they probaly would want to know chances are they will want to be part of this child's life | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/18/2007 7:10:08 AM | rema... it sounds like you made a common mistake in choosing the wrong father for your child. what's done is done. at this point... if i were you... i would notify his parents of the birth of their grandchild. simply send them a birth announcement if you're too scared to call them and just make sure your return address or phone number is on the announcement.... that is if you feel safe in sharing your address. write something on the announcement that is personal to them and just wait for contact. it is YOUR place to notify them of the birth of your child because their son may not be taking responsibility for his actions. baptist or not... they should be forgiving and accept what's happened. that doesn't mean they have to like it but at least give them a chance.
if my son had decided to shack up with a woman, got her pregnant, broke up with her, and she had a baby... of course i'd be very disappointed, but i would want to know my grandchild. i have very strong beliefs about this topic and would hope my son wouldn't shack up with a woman before he's married, let alone get her pregnant out of wedlock BUT... none of that would be the child's fault and it would be incredibly cruel for him or i to turn our backs on the mother and child. oh how i pray this never happens in our family and i do wish you luck in this tough situation. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/18/2007 11:29:34 AM | | I think that for the sake of your daughter you should try hard to contact him and let him know so that you know in your heart you did do everything you could, and your daughter will appreciate that. I would do it and if he still wanted nothing to do with her I would also let him know that there is no going back, but you seem wise enough to know what to do without me giving my oppinion. | |
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| Should I try to find her father?
Posted: 2/18/2007 5:40:06 PM | odds are you are not going to get a whole lot of money from him, he'll never do anything positive. Out of revenge (remember, some guys are right wierd) he'll play headgames with your kid and mess them up.
I saw it with a friens son, the guy calls once in a while, gets the kids hope up and then lets them crash and burn and the poor kid is heartbroken. He is promised to got all sorts of places to be cancelled on at last minute. The pain I saw on the kid's face is undescribably. Not worth the hundred bucks a month.
Next time get married before having kids, you will have a better chance of the guy sticking around | |
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