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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 1:51:15 PM | I'm wondering as someone who was previously married to a man with NPD (we are in the process of divorcing).
I'd, ofcourse, heard the term before. But until I did some research and found out the particulars I was just in Hell wondering what the hell was wrong with the boy.
Anyone with any experience? | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 1:54:52 PM | If you mean someone whom screams out their OWN name in ecstasy...Umm no...
If it's someone whom said to me, "Usually, I don't give people like you the time of day...but sometimes, I make exceptions..." ....YAH!
FYI...And a narcissist is a term for someone whom is stuck on themself...It's derived from the Greek myth of Narcissus...whom forever gazed at his own reflection in a pool of water...to the exclusion of everyone...and everything else... | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 2:25:15 PM | | If he was a true narcissist you would think you would have noticed at some point before getting too involved. Don't know how something like a personality disorder could be missed. Why don't you tell us how you could miss something like that? | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 3:19:01 PM | Hello Quadmom: Sadly I was in a relationship with a guy who had NPD. for three years, I had known of him for several years before we started dating, one of the things that attracted me about him was what I thought was his creativity/individuality/inventive manner, it became apparent after a few months that these traits were manipulations and when challenged about his thoughts,plan,ideals he became enraged and was unable to cope with someone trying to change his script as he saw it.There is a similarity to Asbergers/autistic spectrum where to myself and others; those suffering from NPD are souless, only going through the motions of empathy/insight of others in the hope that their well practiced seduction will fullfil their needs.
It became obvious toward the end of our relationship; I was no longer useful in his world, these people will move from person to person/ relationship to relationship taking from them what they need. One could feel pity for him but he didn,t need that and once he realised that I had sussed him and this disorder he tried to break me in every way possible, even after six months he cannot stop trying to destroy me, not because he wants to but he needs to, this would allow his idea of being a powerful destroyer to come to life. More power to you Quadmom for marrying him and surviving it
Best wishes Margo | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 3:23:03 PM | For those other than Margo who have responded with laughter and jokes, its a personality disorder. I've got as good a sense of humor as the next chick, but this was a serious and painful experience in my life that has even affected my children.
And VERY few people see it before its too late because of its very nature. Moon-fish, had you ever dealt with one, you would know what I'm talking about. These people have been known to even be misdiagnosed by professionals and blaming the "victim" in this case, myself, is also a tactic they use to make themselves look big. I refuse to tell myself I should have seen it when there are trained professionals that miss it.
And Salamandar, he didn't declare himself one. Believe me. He still doesn't accept it. This was a therapist that declared and after a lot of research, I agreed. Its not a bit funny for someone whose lived it.
Someone with NPD will go to any lengths to keep up the illusion he is projecting. Usually its one of success, honesty, all the good personality points people usually admire.
Once the illusion begins to unravel (i.e. you find out they are lying about something) they feel cut off from there "source". A source for someone with NPD is ANYone who admires them. They HAVE to have your admiration and respect. Thats the entire point. Once the illusion is shattered, they have to find another supply, which usually means infidelity.
Usually narcissists are male, but there have been cases of female narcissist. These people will go to elaborate lengths to maintain their facade. And believe me, I know.
THANK YOU Margo! Just seen your post. What you are saying sounds like my life! He truly DID try everything in his power to break me once I became aware of what his problem was and what hedoes. He floats from one woman to the next...as if this will solve his problem and he is merely misunderstood. Whenever I asked him how something he was claiming was even possible, it suddenly became MY fault and he flew into a rage. The end result was me never getting an answer to the question. This man began to berate me and attempt to make me feel as if the problem lay with me. When he realized he couldn't convince me of this, I ceased to be worthy of him evidently. Which was good because I got a restraining order to get him out of my house.
He even tried to cut me off from my family and friends. Anyone who could show me the difference between reality and the world he had created and we were both living in. It took me 4 yrs to get out of it, so I truly do know what you are saying and don't give me too much credit for getting out of the situation. It took time to even begin to understand that there was truly something mental going on with him.
His life is a cycle of nothing but big plans and no action. Big dreams and big talk. Thats it. | |
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Sigi
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Joined: 5/26/2005
Msg: 10 | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 3:45:59 PM | I had a short term with one a couple of years ago. I count it as a lucky escape now.
Your last sentence sums it up,quadmom. These people have lots of short relationships and never stay in one for very long. They blame the world for all their woes. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 3:50:57 PM | Margo and Quadmom....  I empathize. http://www.ilifecoach.com/coachpost/displayArticle.aspx?ID=304
They can be so lovable at first ... and a walk through Hell until it's over.
Steve | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 4:04:26 PM | hahaha@like to hike
and yet, it is TRUE! They don't last in their relationships because of this reason.
I was seeing someone who I now believe has NPD. Always knew there was something not right about him and the way he conducted himself emotionally. But didn't know what it was. His excuse was "my last relationship screwed me up a lot"...because it was with a girl with BPD (borderline PD). And in fact, these 2 disorders are on the same continuum. And they do attract to each other. So I've been reading about NPD and it describes him very well. But this is the hardest personality disorder to treat because they are so sure they are special and elite that they do not take criticism but always blame others. And in fact, psychiatrists are taught not to approach them with criticism, but flattery, which is what they respond to...but if not done properly, can reinforce the narcissicism. Catch 22, very hard to treat.
I just read your recent post Quadmom...yes, you are describing a true Narcissist. Especially the language you used amazed me. About how they try to ''break you" and live in their ''own world". The narcissist I know is on this site and has posted many poems about these very two themes. It's eerie. Every female he's been with, are ''messed up'' or ''psychos'', never him. And you feel sorry for them and take their side and believe they are misunderstood. And praise them because they seem to need it, and feed off it. Promiscuity is a hallmark sign too, as you say. They have to feel they are desired and admired. They even would sleep with men if they gave the right attention, thats how desperate they are for it. I wonder what it was that finally opened your eyes to the fact that this man was actually ill Quadmom? | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 4:42:16 PM | sofish...It was the repetition. Same issues and his outbursts were getting more and more volatile. Once my babies were born..I knew it wasn't healthy and for THEM I had the strength to get out. I started thinking "Its been 4 yrs...and this is only getting worse. Theres better examples out there for my kids"
What you said about feelings sorry for them...MAAAN! I was standing up clapping. Thats exactly it. I took his side over my family...other friends all the time. He was always doing things to make a situation in which I would have to choose. In order to show my continued adoration..I see that NOW.
I realize now that not only does he not care about anyone but himself..he simply can't. Even his children. The love and affection he shows towards them confused me for a bit. But now I see that its simply because they are reflections of HIM in HIS eyes. Because they come from him, they are worthy of him. Ya see? Only his love is limited. He does nothing for them but spend a little time with them each week. Thats it. HE still comes first therefore all his resources must go toward HIS life and upkeeping. This is a man that could never be a loving stepfather so I hope he doesn't hook up with anyone with children. They will be nothing to him but additional subjects to feed his need for narcissistic supply. Adoration, love and respect.
Everything he does, he does to gain your respect. None of it is out of real love. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 4:48:53 PM |
Anyone with any experience?
My mother was married to one for 35 years. My father.
His personality disorder really just started to manifest itself in a very real way the last few years. She's had an ordeal of a time, and he doesn't even know what the problem is--he assumes it's her and her 'hormones'.
I haven't had to experience much of the ensuing drama, as I life half-way across the country. But, while I love my father for who he is, I have lost all respect for the way he's treated my mother.
She's found a lot of help through some NPD support websites. It's a hard thing to find people who 'buy into' the concept, and don't just dismiss it out of hand as being sheer selfishness. I am one of the latter, but am working at being more supportive of her position as an armchair psychiatrist--because he's certainly NOT the same man he was 10 years ago, and there's got to be some very real chemical reason for that.
Good luck--you're going to need it. If you want some useful links, drop me a message and I'll get them for you.
-Sadie | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 5:00:17 PM | | Wow, some pretty interesting information. I've had this discussion with a girlfriend recently about a guy I dated and it really opened up my eyes. At least I understand a little more now. The sad shame of it all, I've read that there is no cure. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 5:14:12 PM | You're right, Alice. There is no cure.
Its crazy. Your best bet is to cut and run. I remember being so disheartened when I read that at first. I didn't want to accept it.
Oh well. Its over now, and I suspect my ex will not even stay in the state for too much longer. He will need to find another woman to pull his act on. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 5:23:59 PM | I'm glad you started this thread. It's so helpful. Because even though I read all the books and can check off so many traits of NPD in this man, there still remains this lingering doubt "what if I"m wrong?". Maybe I am the one who is blaming others, maybe it was things I did wrong?
Yes Quadmom? Have your thoughts been like this?
But now when I listen to you and others....like the woman whose post said they are ''soul-less"....gawd, I almost fell over because that was the very word I called him, long before I ever even knew what NPD was.
So this thread....it's quite helpful to me...to hear others accounts of their experience. I never considered how these men might be as fathers. Wow. That would mess up a child, because it sure messes up the woman who not as impressionable. I wonder what his parents were like Quadmom? There has to be some kind of dysfunction in his upbringing because it is agreed that Personality Disorders are more attributed to nurture rather than nature. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 5:38:14 PM | Yes, Sofish...his mother is the sweetest lady you ever want to meet. BUT her first husband, my ex's father was abusive. Its nuts. He told me once that he seen his father pick his mother up and slam her into a coffee table.
I can't help but think this played a role in how he turned out. But I haven't read anything supporting child hood trauma as a trigger.
The way you are thinking..the doubts you have are normal. I went through that too..thats what kept me with him so long. We as woman often have such a difficult time finding a lasting relationship, we sometimes do everything in our power to excuse unacceptable behavior from men. Its not you. Its him. Believe that and take care of yourself.
"soul less" got to me too. But the big one was "emotional vampire".OMG! That is EXACTLY what my ex is. He'll suck the life, love, strength and emotion right out of you.
The thing I always told him is "you are completely without honor or any type of moral compass."
Because I know him..and I know who he truly is, I feel ok about my kids. He won't be around and even now, his interaction with them is so minimal that I can easily keep tabs. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 5:44:38 PM |
"soul less" got to me too. But the big one was "emotional vampire".OMG! That is EXACTLY what my ex is. He'll suck the life, love, strength and emotion right out of you.
You took the words right out of my mouth! "Emotional Vampire". I SO relate to this thread!!!! Fortunately for me I escaped in the nick of time and used this experience as a lesson well learned!! | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 5:53:41 PM | Thanks quadmom. Yes, yes. The books I have read do talk about trauma. The NPD person does not feel emotion...or rather they block them and do not let emotion affect them. And this usually starts in the formative years from some painful incidence that they were not able to cope with. Your account of the father abusing the mother would be exactly the type of thing. Where the boy watching is in so much pain to see the mother he loves hurt by the father he loves....well his mind can't take it in or process, so his blocks it as something not real. And does not react....because he has no idea how to react to something so overwhelming. And then after the wall they build just grows bigger and bigger with every other emotional event. And in the end, they don't know or experience empathy for others.
Well, that's a paraphrase of what I've understood from Dr. Lowen book on NPD. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 6:04:20 PM | You know, the only real moment I ever had with the man came about two years ago. Just a glimpse of the person underneath. What he COULD have been if he hadn't become what he is.
It was after a blowout. I simply wasn't speaking to him because I knew it would do no good. He comes in the room and sits down beside me. Very quietly said "I Know there is something wrong with me, but I can't help it. I just don't feel the way other people do and I've tried to understand it but nothing works. I know you're sick of me and I'm sick of myself. I know I need help but I just can't get myself to do it. They can't help me anyway"
I honstly believe that was a glimpse. I took that as the start of a real report between us, but no. By that evening he was back behind the wall. Even acting as if he had no idea what I was talking about when I referred to what he had said. | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 6:18:38 PM | Wow Quadmom.
What else to say? It's so tragic that his moment of clarity never last.
My NPD had several. The first one came before anything was ever even wrong. Cause in the very beginning they are so wonderful, clever and funny and creative and interesting. Everything was great, I was laughing over something he said and out of the blue he says "you'll get sick of me eventually".
I said "huh, why would you say that? I could never get sick of you".
And he said "because everyone does, and you will too".
And it was so sad, my heart went out to him and I swore to myself I never would let him down.
But as you said, he later denied this moment ever happened.
But at times would say that I was too nice and I deserved better than he gives. But next day go right back to giving out bad stuff again.
I wonder Quadmom, did your NPD give you the silent treatment a lot or more prone to yelling? | |
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lmnop
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Joined: 12/11/2006
Msg: 24 | |
| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 6:28:17 PM | Hey quadmom,
We have encountered before in prior posts and from what I recall, you are a cool lady and you have your stuff together. Capitalize on that and move forward. You have support on this end and you have the exuberance to maintain. Do not give this jerk the impact that he wants right now...sluff it off and take back the control of your life that you deserve and desire. Know that some people here at POF have been there and we will be here to chat if you like!
Wish you the best girl!  | |
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| Anyone Ever Dated A TRUE Narcissist?
Posted: 2/19/2007 7:01:43 PM | just divorced one
Hell, in living form
Mine sort of developed this over time( we were married 23 years), so I would not say he had NPD but sever narcisstic tendencies. He was NOT into sex............so he didnt need me let alone other women, it was when I called him on his behavior that he got ugly. I called him on his abusiveness and he accuse me of abusing him (typical narcissitc behavior)He then cut me off physicallly bc he no longer controlled things. He was very manipulative and controlling.
Makes you think you are nuts when its him Twists your words, and well, mine was mostly one but some are very controlling...........as in they want to know where you are,control your conversations, friendships, comings and going, want you to have no friends, etc, mine was the opposite, kept me at arms length, withheld affection as punishment for not liking me, could care less if I was home, stopped talking to me, etc.Refused to have sex.
Crazymaking they call it. They start all sorts of crap and make you think YOU have the problem, They believe their own lies. I heard they can pass lie detector tests too.
I can recommend some good books if you need them
One is "Inside the Minds of Angry Men" | |
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