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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/26/2007 11:23:20 AM | Hello all
where do i start? i split with my wife of 18years around two years ago and the 3 children stayed with me. two boys now 19 and 17 and my daughter who s now 14. all my kids have been great really and have never been that much trouble. i am quite a strict father for the area we live in(i see kids of 12 hanging round on the streets at 1am round here) god i sound like victor meldrew. sorry ill get on. ive recently been having problems with kaley. she is nearly always in later than she is supposed to be. she has on a couple of occasions conned me saying she has her periods when its 6.30am (she sets offf to school at 7am) so that she can miss some of her lessons as i have to walk to the shop at 8.30am when it opens. i have found it harder to cope with this sort of thing as she pretends emmbarrasment about it and says she cant talk to me about that sort of thing. which okay fair enough but some times she uses it to twag school lessons. then last night she came home with a love bite? on her neck which i surely got upset about. (should i have?) my son freaked out more than me and said he is going to get her boyfriend. am i been to protective? i dont think i am and think at her age it is a bit horrible to be honest. she was doing fantastic at school and is at level 5 in all her classes but i think the grades are dropping in the last few months. im sure it is because i am not used to coping with a teenage girl as m other two are boys and i thought i would vent my inabilities and non understanding of this age here. i wish she had a mum here but she hasnt and i cant really do anything about that to help her as she rarely sees her mum. any advice will be gratefully accepted. thank you for reading this. | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/26/2007 1:24:20 PM | Hey there,
I just wanted to see what was going on in you life, I have a 12 year old little girl and I want to see what I had to look forward too. I wish I could help but Im sure its all a learning point in both our lives, Good luck.
Patrick | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/26/2007 2:12:53 PM | | Wow you are in a bit of a stickey situation, the problem you have, and i am making assumtions here as I don't know your daughter, she's at that age she isn't going to listen to anything you say. And the harder you come down on her the worse her behavior will be, as she will see it as you trying to intrude on her life, but you can't let this carry on, because if you don't come down on her she'll run riot. Like I said i am making assumtions. As for the love bite, no I don't think you did over react, and in your place if that had been one of my daughters, and I have three of them, i would have blown my stack, and they would have been well and truely grounded for life. As for using her periods as an excuse to miss some lessons, i'm sorry but i'm not following that one. And unless she has some serious PMT or heavy periods, I can't see the reasoning there, but that might just be me. In that case, if I've understood correctly, I'd tell her to stop using it as an excuse and get her backside to school. As for her coming in late, simply tell her, she's grounded, and if she keeps it up, take her tv, stero ect out of her room, take her mobile phone off her, stop all phone use, talk to her once she has got over her um it's not fair why are you doing this to me, I hate you, you're ruining my life. Give it a couple of days for her to calm down, then sit her down and talk to her, give her the chance to voice her opinions and how unfair she thinks you are being, and that you should trust her. Then give her your side of it why you're doing what your doing, I'm sorry i can't give any better advice than that, but fourteen year old girls can be very difficult, I;d also find out what her boyfriend is like, me personaly I wouldn't trust a teenage boy as far I could throw him, I'm a mother of three daughters. | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/26/2007 2:17:20 PM | Teenaged girls aren't easy to deal with..believe me(I used to be one! )
She is at an age where she's going to try testing your limits,and she's going to give in to peer pressures.
Also,there is a chance that the absence of a mother in her life,makes her unsure of how to direct questions at you (ei: periods,boyfriends,sex etc..)
Do you have a female relative that she can talk to?
And,if her schoolwork is suffering,perhaps she could talk to a school counsellor.
Do your best to let your know that she can come to you with her problems,and you won't be judgemental.Patience and kindness are the keys(lots of patience! )
Best of luck! | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/26/2007 2:18:41 PM | | Congratulations - you're daughter's hit adolescence full force. I don't have teenagers, yet, but I agree with the above poster - enforce rules/consequences and, while letting her know that she can tell you anything, tell her that she'll gain more trust by respecting the rules. She will "hate" you for a few days, but will come out of it. So glad I don't have teenagers, yet... | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/26/2007 4:31:10 PM | You are a man. You are a parent and seemingly the only one she has. If she doesn't want to talk to you about the embarrasing things, fine, tell her to just listen. Periods are nothing to be embarrased about or to miss school for as every girl gets them and most have no problem attending school.
If you don't know enough about periods learn. If you are embarased get over it. She is taking advantage of your discomfort and/or lack of knowledge. It's time to gain the upper hand.
The love bite... Let it go. There is nothing you can do but trust her and tell your sons to back off. It's great that they are concerned and are looking out for her but they are not going to do her any favours. Educate your daughter about safe sex. Teach her that she does not have to do anything she does not want to do. Tell her that you love her and trust her to make the right decisions. Let her know that she can come to you anytime and that you will solve any problems that arise together. | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/26/2007 8:15:34 PM | | Hi there, i am going to be very blunt about your problem, I have a 15 year old daughter shes almost 16. I had her just 5 days after i turned 16 myself. If your daughter has "love bites" chances are there is more going on then just that. I don't want to scare you but teenagers are having sex now as young as 12 or 13. I know that there isn't any parent that wants to think about there child having sex, but as parents we need to be responsible and realistic about it. Take your daughter to your family doctor and discuss her periods and if it was my child i would strongly consider birth control. And a simple solution to her avoiding school lessons cause she needs feminine hygeine products is simple, buy two of what she needs and put one package away, so when she tells you she can't go to school, you will be one step ahead of her and just always remember to replace the extra's.I also think that as hard as it is to be a teenage girl she may be taking advantage of your guilty feelings when it comes to her mom not being around,I am assuming that its not your fault she doesn't take an interest in her childrens lives, and for that you not responsible. And finally you need to tell your son that you appreciate his concern for his little sister but picking on her boyfreind is only going to push her further away from you, it will put her on the defensive. You need to somehow open the lines of communication between you and your daughter. Being a teenage girl is probaly the hardest time in a girls life. Good luck | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/26/2007 9:37:09 PM | She's 14 and caught between being a child and becoming an adult and her hormones are all screwed up at this time. I think you have to take all that into consideration, but not be played by her at the same time.
If she's coming home with 'love bites' on her neck, I am almost sure if it hasn't gone further already, it soon will, so I suggest that you sit down and speak to her about birth control. I realize that you might think she's a bit young for birth control, but she's also a bit young to end up pregnant. We can't be with our children 24/7 and if you tell her straight out that you don't want her to go further, I'm positive she won't listen anyway. So start by saying you hope that she'll make proper decisions about sex, and although you think she's too young at this time, if the possibility is there, you want her to make responsible decisions which you will help her with. It's going to be a hard conversation I know....but an absolutely necessary one. If you can't do it then have her speak to a counsellor at school or an aunt or someone you speak to first so that whatever advice they give her, will be with your agreement.
As for not going to school because of her period.....ha ha she conned you big time Dad. Your period is never an excuse for not doing something. If it doesn't stop her from being with her friends, it shouldn't stop her from taking care of her responsibilities. Put a stop to that one right now.
Coming in late - perhaps you both can compromise on this one, school nights one time and weekends another. Ask her what she thinks is a reasonable hour, and see if you can be a bit flexible here. Perhaps on special occasions you can let her stay out later providing you or one of her brothers pick her up. Whatever...but try to make it seem like she's a part of the decision making. Most importantly though, once you come up with a time, then make it very clear that she has to stick to the rules or there will be consequences if she doesn't. And you have to always follow through.
You've got a rough couple of years ahead oh you, but this is the time to curve the behaviour you don't like, because the longer you let it go on, the harder it will be.
Good luck....and don't worry about being too strict, it's done out of love and although she might **** and complain about it, one day she'll appreciate why you did what you did, and perhaps even thank you one day. | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/26/2007 9:42:21 PM | Single dad....my thoughts are with you. I am a single mom...and my daughter is 16. To date I have not had any problems..other than that attitude now and again..and yes one drunk party....and I realize that I am lucky so far...however......
I dont think that it is appropriate for us to assume our teenagers are all going to have sex...I am not saying stick your head in the sand....but I am suggesting that we dont treat our kids as if we suspect them of anything...Just keep talking to her....keep telling her she can tell you anything....and when she does......dont blow..!!!....talk to her about the boyfriend...and yes...as someone has already said...let the love bite go...just keep reminding her...that it is her body..and she has the right to say no....but more importantly...get to know the boyfriend...invite him over for movies and pizza.....include him in your family activities...remain involved in your daughters life....
As for the period issues.....take her to the doctor........my daughter...as I remember it well myself....has a very nasty time of it....pain and discomfort.....do not discount it...it can be very real.....but for your part ...keep track yourself.....it only comes once every 28 days...and then you will know if she is snowing you or not.....
I think the most important thing we can do as parents of teens....is keep involved in their lives.....show an interest in what they are doing....and always...always...encourage them to bring their friends home....grounding them..does not always work..save that for the big battles you want to win.....talking ...and letting her know you trust her....will sometimes..inspire them...to want to keep that trust....
Wishing you best of luck... | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/27/2007 12:37:03 AM | Well I am single mom of a 16 yr old boy and a 14 yr old girl and believe me I have hit her teenage yrs hard... everything to peer pressure to sex to drinking....now my son is good but its my daughter who is having a hard time with things...she has a boyfriend whom I have met he is respectable he works and goes to school.. he is only a few years older so its nice to see he has some morals and respect... nice boy.. he comes here watches movies with us both.... heck hes even come picked me up when I have been out drinking.. I have let him use my car.. I am very active with their lives...
I never ground her anymore she would not listen instead I listen to her and have gotten her a cell phone and when she thinks that she cant talk to me about anything I allow pillow talk.. (tell her to write down anything she has or is feeling if she cant say it to your face)
I allow her friends over and in the past have had as much as 5 teenage girls all sleeping over.. grounding trust me doesnt work but they have to have conquences for their actions when they do wrong.. thats why I take her cell phone and not let her use my car and such...
I know its not easy I wish you luck with her, I even live with the ohh poor me attitude.. we have to show them we are the boss..
Great advice everyone!! | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/27/2007 1:55:26 AM | I have a 16-year-old son. At one point, I was raising 2 of my nephews. I had a 16-year-old nephew, a 14-year-old nephew, a 13-year-old son, and a 9-year-old son. It was not fun. That being said, my older sister has a 16-year-old daughter and my younger sister has a 13-year-old daughter. All I can say is that when I found out I was pregnant both times, I wanted a girl so badly. Boy, I am so glad now that I had boys. Girls in their teenage years are so much more difficult than boys. My sister's 13-year-old is much more disrespectful to her mom, etc. Of course, that is my sister's fault for being too lax. She tells me that I am too hard on my boys. Her theory is that if she lets her kids do things with her around then they are not going to do it when she is not around. I can't get across to her how utterly stupid that is.
I remember being 14 years old. I would try to use any excuse to stay home from school, but my mom was strict. We went to school unless we were half-dead lol. I am not as strict as my mom was, but I don't tolerate disrespect, etc. My sons both know it too.
I definitely do not think you overreacted by getting upset about the love bite. My son came home with his first love bite about 2 months ago. I told him if he ever got another love bite, he would be grounded for a month. I mean it, and he knows I mean it. I don't think he will make that mistake again. As for your daughter coming home with a love bite, I think you need to sit her down and talk to her about sex, safe sex, etc. It is not an easy conversation to have with your child, but it is one that you must do. There are websites, etc. that can help you with that. I would agree that if she is getting love bites, she is either already having sex or will be soon.
My son's friends get aggravated with me because my son is not allowed to go to anyone's home, girl or boy, unless their parent/parents are home and will be the entire time he will be there. I have to talk to the parent face to face to make sure I am talking to their mom and/or dad before my son goes anywhere. Knowing where your child is is the first step in making sure they are safe and not out running around on the streets, etc.
She may be more comfortable talking to a female about certain things. If that is the case, if you have a female relative that she is close to or a female friend that she is close to, then ask them to speak with her.
My son's grades started falling not that long ago. I did 2 things. First, I called the school's guidance counselor and asked him what we could do together to help Todd succeed. Second, I told him he was grounded until further notice. He asked me how long that was. I told him as long as it takes for his grades to improve.
You must, and I cannot stress this enough, ALWAYS be consistent in what you say and in your punishment. Don't tell her things she knows will not ever happen. For example, do not tell her she is grounded for the rest of her life. She knows you can't and wont' stick by that. You have to be reasonable. You have to set limits and rules for her, and there has to be consequences if the rules are broken and this needs to be consistent 100% of the time. Parenting is not easy. Single parenting is even harder.
Good luck to you. I hope things get better between you and your daughter. One thing that maybe you may want to remember when talking with her, etc., is that she is not one of your sons. The things that worked with them will probably not work with your daughter. There is a huge difference between a teenage girl and a teenage boy. | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/27/2007 9:47:08 AM | Hi tonypee
The solution is not that difficult to implement. I have 2 daughters, 16 and 19.
Punishment does not work because it does not change the behavior (Punishement = the parent taking something away). Negative reinforcement on the other hand does. Let me explain what I mean by this.
Privileges (for example, going out with friends or party) must be earned with appropriate behavior (being polite, helping with chores, attending school, studying etc). You have to sit you daughter down and explain this to her. If she wants a privilege, she has to EARN IT, it is not a given. You tell her what she must do to earn it. Take a day by day approach (at one point everything including watching TV was a privilege - of course my kids were a lot younger at the time), if she wants to "do something" whether its that day or on the weekend, you set out what she must do to EARN IT. Explain to her, that her behavior (coming home with love bites, using excuses to not attend school) has caused you to lessen your trust in her (make sure she understands that she has caused the problem, her behavior = you not trusting her to make appropriate decisions and you had thought that she was more mature but her behavior has shown that you were mistaken in that judgement). Now she must EARN THAT TRUST it is no longer a given.
As for her period, simple solution my ex used in a similar situation. He took my daughter to the store, grabbed 2 large Value Paks of Maxi Pads and from the end of the aisle yelled to my duaghter "Will this do you?". Totally embarassed her and when she complained, his response was "Then don't try to embarass me, you get a period every month. If you need supplies, you let either your mom or I know when you are running out, so you don't get stuck with having to come with me!" Again, it was her behavior that caused the situation.
NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT = THE CHILD DID NOT EARN THE PRIVILEGE THRU THE BEHAVIOR
POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT = THE CHILD DID EARN THE PRIVILEGE THRU THEIR BEHAVIOR
My kids know and understand that if they want something from me, then their behavior dictates whether or not they get it. Sleep overs = clean room, Going out with friends = being on time (if they are going to be late for some unforeseen reason, they know to call me to tell me why)
When their behavior has not earned a privilege I ask them what have they done to earn the privilege. I also ask them to tell me what I think their behavior should be and to evaluate their own behavior (this reinforces that they know what the expectations are and that they are again responsible for the outcome of their own behavior). No always means No as well (changing No to Maybe to Yes, means No only means sometimes No, Sometimes Yes).
Next time you see a love bite. Ask her what that mark is saying about her to you. If she flips off, tell her to get an "attitude adjustment" and when she is ready to have an adult conversation, you'll talk to her then (she is in charge of her own behavior, just make clear that she has no privileges until she can demonstrates behavior more reflective of her age.)
Good Luck | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/27/2007 12:01:01 PM | | thank you for your reply. i will take on board all you have said, very good advice. the period bit is what she does is pretend she has run out of tampons knowing the shop does not open till late. ive sussed this one out now as when i go in to town i just by her about 6 months suplly and keep some in my bedroom as well. thank you for your advice | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/27/2007 12:22:43 PM | | thank you all for your rreplies it has been very helpfull. normally i am a very happy dad and make time to listen to my kids and help them any way i can. the love bite situation i think is a one off as she has fallen out with her boyfriend because of it. we do acctually normally have a good relationship and i feel from our conversations that she is not having sex. and please dont get me wrong about how we talk etc because i dont get emmbarrased about talking to her about periods etc and i certainally dont mind going to the shop for tampons. she was just making me feel guilty i thought by not telling me about her period starting then saying it was my fault she had none as i dont give her money for these purchases. saying that when she asks she gets and when she does not need any she does not ask. as i said above ive sorted that problem anyway. i have no amily members who live in this country for her to chat to and for some reason all her friends that used to stay here dont anymore. i have always allowed her to have stop overs. this was heer first real boyffriend and she would never bring himdown to our house. i have decided to tell her to bring boyfriends here and have told her they are welcome. to be honest i think i am abit upset that im losing my little girl and maybe this is one of the problems that i have read about that its very hard to let go. thank you all for your advice and i will take it all on board. we are going to my sisters in italy this year as we have not been away since the split so i know this will cheer her up when we get closer to the day as she loves it there. i was acctually thinking of moving back there as im sure we would have a better life. thank you again | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/27/2007 12:26:22 PM | You sound like an awesome dad and wished my kids had their dad around growing up.
I have had the opposite problem trying to raise a teenage boy who is now seventeen but was two when his dad and I split up fifteen years ago.
I have a twenty year old daughter to and right from the get go you have to get over not communicating with your kids no matter what the sublject is.
They need/want to know you will be there for them and that nothing is taboo...NOTHING!
Unconditional love and support letting them know what your value and beliefs are and allowing them to discover theirs it is about respect...both mutual and self.
Kids are and do have sex and we need to not bury our heads in the sand.
My kids knew about condomns at a fairly young age...they knew if they had a question not to be afraid to ask and if I didn't know I would do anything/everything to find out.
Once my daughter broke her curfew and she knew she had wanted to go somewhere special but wasn't allowed.
She couldn't believe it but she was grounded.
She learned her lesson the hard way and it was by no means easy one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but I couldn't back down and she never ever broke her curfew again.
Consequences are important to kids it shows them that you do love them and care for them and their safety they may not believe it or realize it at the time but ONE day they will.
Hope this helps...and it doesn't matter if you are her dad...you are the greatest thing she has and that is a special someone who loves and cares for her.  | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/27/2007 1:35:05 PM | thank you all and here is a little poem for single dads
Lonely words on doorstep the day she walked away.
Left behind a shattered man, three children out at play.
Which way to turn? he pondered as the night grew darker still.
A withy man he was not, yet he had to find the will.
Sidewalk beneath his footsteps. each day a search for work.
Had to find a way to live - could not remain a clerk.
Cashed in the life insurance to attend the school at night.
Never would he give it up - no, not without a fight.
Now, a plumber at 44, he's made their house a home.
Proud of his accomplishments and doing it on his own.
Three children, steady, strong are they, he takes with him great joy.
The love and faith of four family - that one did not destroy. | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/27/2007 6:59:59 PM | hi there tonypee
well i can say i have some stern advise for you.
i have a 15 year old daughter...i have been a single parent for most of her life...i am strict...yet fun...and loving...i did allow my daughter to stay home a couple times when she first got her period ...sort of to get used to it...then that was it!...get up...take an advil or 2...get going!...u arent dying...and if you think you are..we are going to the doctor and he can check you out!...needless to say...she didnt want that visit sooner than she has to! hehe
the hicky!...omg...heads would be a rollin!
you are the parent...take control...she needs a lifestyle change and you need to figure out what that is going to be...do not for a second think or care if she hates you...she will....for now...but she is your daughter...and she will someday have a daughter and know exactly why you behave the way you do..all will be forgiven...she will know you love her and care.
ask her what she might be interested in...i have always had my daughter in sports...so she keeps busy and i attend whenever possible...
now i have her in guitar lessons...she tried the dance stuff...not her thing...but ask your daughter if perhaps she might be interested in art..music..sports...anything...maybe make some family time....everyone works out together...walks together something along that line...
we used to have game night..sounds corny...but she still talks about it...we would make junk food...invite friends and play board games every thursday..this way...she can invite the hicky giver over...haha...see how he likes hangin with dad and the brothers...u look good inviting him...but he probably wont be back..haha...hes gone and you arent the bad guy...
perhaps make it a rule that if she is to see a boy it is at your house with your supervision...another good way to communicate and get less of a fight from a teenager is to ask "her" what she thinks her rules should be...she will say dumb things...then you tell her you are treating her with respect and you value her opinion but she has to be fair and adult like with her answer...you may be surprised with what she comes up with...
there were a few times when my daughter was hanging with kids id rather she didnt...instead of saying she cant hang out with them...(the forbidden fruit thing)...i kept her busier..i got my friends and family involved...(which of course she didnt know about).....they then asked her to come over to help them do things...like babysit..clean the yard...clean the house...whatever...it worked...she was too busy and the bad crowd found "other" friends.
in the end...all we can do is ...to do the best we can...teach them the best we know...and trust them...and feel good knowing we did all we could do to raise healthy well balanced children with good morals and values.
good luck...and if all else fails...lock her up till shes done high school..hehe
deb | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/28/2007 3:40:26 AM | Hi, Im a single mom with 2 boys, Im 42, I was brought up in a very strict house hold, now heres the truth.... the more my parents layed down rules, the more I broke them. I hadsex at the age of 15... without protection....To be honest with you, You must 1) Tellyou daughter about safe sex. 2) Tell her that most boys just want sex and not the relationship/cuddles/affection she may be craving for. 3) Explain that your her Dad, and that you love her, and no matter what problems she has she can allways talk to you. 4) Tell her some of the things that you did as a kid that your parents really didnt approve of (that makes your real - not just dad).
Iv let my son, (whos 15), drink beer in the house (so that it takes the excitement out of it), I even gave him a cigarette so that he knew what it was about (he hated it)... Iv bought him condoms and put them in his bedroom draw(and explained why he should use them), and Iv hopefully taught him that girls are to be treated with respect not just sex and dump them afterwards... I may be tottaly differant to any one else on here, but my son and I have now got a very open relationship and I hope that Iv dun all Ican to bridge the age gap between us.
Iwish you luck, teenagers test us to the limit...Jan x | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/28/2007 1:56:24 PM | Wow, I understand your problem. First, let me tell you that I was raised by my Dad. I adored him until boys caught my eye. He then became the stupidest person that God put on this earth (in my mind, but I never actually said those words to him). At 17, my Dad took my loser boyfriend to court to try to make him stay away from him. He was legal age. When my Dad did back off, I realized the boyfriend was a loser and dumped him.
I have 2 boys, 16 & 12, and am also very strict with them. I personally don't think it is a bad thing to be so involved. Here are some suggestions you might try. First, call her on the lies. Don't let her think you don't know what is going on. If she is having her period, take her to a gynecologist and have the doctor go over all aspects of it with her. Preferably a woman. Then stop at the store on the way home and get a couple of boxes of pads and tampax so whe won't run out. The love bite is a bit young. Do you know the boy's parents? I would talk to him and threaten to talk to his parents if it happens again. You are not being too protective. You are trying to prevent her from getting a STD or pregnant.
I hope this helps a little bit. Good luck. | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/28/2007 6:16:26 PM | You have gotten some great advice, particularly earning privileges which include spending time with her boyfriend. You said that her grades went down recently. Does this coincide with the acquisition of the boyfriend or them getting more serious?
You have obviously taken care of the feminine hygiene product excuse but stock up with Midol because when she finds out that this ploy will no longer work she will probably try to tell you she is cramping too badly to go to school. If she insists, then you tell her that you will need to discuss it with the doctor to find out if there are problems with her reproductive system, and that the visit will likely require a pap smear. That should scare the bejesus out of her so at least she will try to find other excuses for missing school, lol.
While I do not think the hicky is necessarily going to lead to sex, it may and the advice about asking what that tells you and others about her character is a good way to address that situation. A boy who respects her will not feel the need to mark his territory. If you are not prepared for this, having had sex talks that do more than cover the biology of it, now is a good time to start talking about it. I started with my daughter probably when she was 12 or 13, about why some grown-ups do not get along and the ways that people can avoid bad relationships by really thinking about who they date instead of totally basing things on the heart.
I have told her that even at 14 or 15, she should look at a boy and ask herself is this person someone that I would want to marry and have kids with? At her age, these signs would be whether the guy is a good student, involved in extra-curricular activities, has some plans for college or a career. Look at how the guy treats his mother, how the father treats his wife. Does he have friends and is he nice to other people and not just her? A boy with goals and who treats her well will be a better bet if he is the one that captures her heart than someone into the bad boy thing.
Many people say, oh they are young, they should just date and have fun, but when you are young, you seem to fall in love willy nilly and even people in their twenties and thirties do not have the strength to walk away from someone that is bad for them when they 'luv' them. You have reinforced whatever morals you have which I am assuming from the hicky response is at least waiting until she is way older to have sex or waiting until she is married. There are practicalities involved that cannot be ignored, and one is that they may not listen to you.
I have told my daughter what I believe but that I also recognize that this is ultimately her decision and my biggest concern is to ensure that there are no unplanned pregnancies or any diseases that could dramatically impact her life, so if she does get serious about someone, she knows that she needs to talk to me. The other part is protecting herself emotionally. I have told her that I waited until I was 18 and for me, that was still too young. I didn't have the maturity to deal with the feelings and that there were times during the college years when I settled for sex when I really wanted a relationship.
Maybe guys do not feel this way, that they became sexually active when they were too young, but you can always talk to her about a female friend of yours that said that she was too young. I tell my daughter that while I hope she waits, she should make sure that if she has sex it is because she wants to, not because she is trying to make him happy, because he is pressuring her, or because she is afraid if she doesn't have sex that he will leave her.
I have even told her that if she is with a guy and he suddenly seems to have eight arms and is not listening to her when she says no, then she should do whatever she needs to to get out of the vehicle and not worry about looking stupid. Too many young people go along with things they really do not want to do to avoid looking foolish (as do many adults) and talking about it empowers them to make their own choices.
We need to take care of their minds and bodies but recognize that they are growing into adults and they will ultimately do what they want and it may not be the choice that you would like them to make. She should want to be in a respectful, caring relationship and that is controlled by her. She will be respected if she expects it and refuses to tolerate anything less. | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/28/2007 6:44:38 PM | Congrats on reaching out for help. Parenting is not easy and to be doing it by yourself is even more challenging! I think it is great you are listening to your intution by being 'strict'. While our children don't understand now and will 'hate' us for it, in the long run, she will look back and think, 'wow, he really did care about me'.
Is it possible to revisit the menstrual cycle issue with her again? I understand it is hard and embarrassing but I find that using language that is more 'scientific' really helps. It also might help to acknowledge and say, "I know this is hard to talk about and is embarrassing but I want to understand so I can help". She might be receptive to that?
Is your ex a source of support? How is your daughter's and ex-wife's relationship? Maybe she can talk to her?
Maybe it is a medical issue? Feeling pain so intense that she is needing to miss school, may require more medical attention. Make an appointment to meet with the family doctor.
If she is using it for manipulation, my heart goes out to you! Still, if she is using it to manipulate then reviewing the above options with her might help?
I hope it works out for you!
MBM | |
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| single dad with 14yr old daughter. help me.... please
Posted: 2/28/2007 8:06:03 PM | My personal advice is coming from very recent experience.
DO NOT BE NIEVE.
I could have sworn up and down that my daughter wasn't doing anything. She had a recent boyfriend and had a love bite and I scorned her for it. Come to find out she has had sex since last year (age 13) and gave oral as recent as last week.
I was totally heart broken, I'm still in shock and disbelief. I can tell you they are very good liars at this age. Stone cold in my face she can tell a lie.
Right now I don't believe a word she says. We are now going to start consoling this week.
I know she has been through a lot her mom was deployed (army) we are now divorced and of coarse she's a teenager.
I'm just trying to say get on top of it before it's too late. | |
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