| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 6:59:44 PM | Okay, I have a question.
I kicked my recent ex out because of his anger. The first year we were together it was great, but then out of the blue one day he blows up over nothing. I thought it was something just rare, but progressively, he began to accuse me of cheating on him, and he started screaming at me and would be in my face. I began go feel afraid of him.
I put up with it until he just flat out called me a whore and threw a glass at the wall and I was so afraid that he'd hit me. The next day, I told him to leave. I have been completely faithful, and have even stopped hanging out with my friends as much because he was beginning to feel ignored though I spend all my time wiht him.
My question is this: He's out of my life, but calls and says he realizes he's an ***hole and that he's into therapy and determined to get it together. He wants me to take him back.
Are there any guys out there who've had anger issues and managed to change their ways?
I doubt I want him back, actually because I have become so afraid, but at the same time, I really do care for him and if it weren't for his anger, I wouldn't want anyone else.
Thanks in advance!
Liz
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 7:03:45 PM | | Sounds like he has been hurt before and has trust issues to me. maybe if you could get to the core of why he was so angry and not just the blow ups.. many times guy don't talk becasue it will cause a fight or get thrown back in there face later..it could be things like that adding up or something deeper that finaly surfaced.. in any event i would becareful. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 7:05:46 PM |
calls and says he realizes he's an ***hole and that he's into therapy and determined to get it together. He wants me to take him back.
ask for a doctors note...it should only be $10-$20.
(when he gets upset that you asked for that....you MIGHT have your own answer) | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 7:07:15 PM | I'm not a guy...but was married to one who had serious anger issues.
The anger isn't the problem, it's a symptom. Managing anger is managing self control. If he's reacting that violently to something that's not even happening, he's acting out against you for something you haven't done. That's bordering on dilusional.
Once you've feared someone, it's hard to overcome. Maybe it's best you don't. He definitely sounds like a potential abuser or maybe has been, and just hasn't been reported to law enforcement. Not all abusers are.
He's got lots of signs of unacceptable behavior, from what you've written he sounds jealous and controlling. Add that into the anger mix and well....just sounds like a catch!! NOT.
Don't get suckered into taking him back. Remember the times you were afraid, too. Many times fear is self-protective and totally healthy. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 7:09:45 PM | | don't take him back no matter what. you have just seen the beginning stages of someone that will become a abuser. | |
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Sigi
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Joined: 5/26/2005
Msg: 6 | |
| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 7:10:22 PM | Op...hmm..I've never been in your situation, but I do hope the 'anger management' will control his temper and that he is aware of his (re)actions.
As for you, I would suggest to take it very slowly...meaning...wait how he/this will develop before even thinking going back into a relationship with him.
You are not sure and frighten....says enough....don't you think?  | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 7:11:40 PM | There is No place for anger that makes you afraid in a relationship! I was married to an angry man who turned out to be an abuser, and after checking your profile it was in Nova Scotia that I left him.......geez, I really hope its Not him..........I would say .........Run for your life!! I did...........all the way to Ontario, so far its safe enough for me. Be careful when considering being around somebody that frightens you, PLEASE!! | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 7:14:00 PM | he will absolutely not change. despite what he tells you.
I was in a similar situation...we broke up for 3 months & I stupidly took him back.
broke it off for good when he dragged me across the street during an arguement.
stay away b/c you may not be so lucky the 2nd time around! | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 7:38:58 PM |
My question is this: He's out of my life, but calls and says he realizes he's an ***hole and that he's into therapy and determined to get it together. He wants me to take him back.
Just because he admitted to you that he is an ***hole and started therapy...doesn't mean that he is cured. It will take a good amount of time before he has even scratched the surface of why he is so angry and jealous when you haven't given him any reason to be. It could go back as far as his childhood.
You did the right thing by making him leave. I would think good and hard before I would even consider giving him another chance. He may need months, even years to get over what is bothering him. Until that time when he can relate to you on a better plateau, I would keep your distance from him. If you do decided to give him another chance, do it with him living elsewhere till he can prove to you that he has indeed changed and the therapy is working. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 7:48:04 PM | No guys weighing in on this? RUN! Do not walk, RUN!
Escalating anger ... never good, and only going downhill. Don't be there when it all goes bad. If he cared that much, why is he lashing out instead of protecting you from his own behaviour?
Some people with anger issues change. Most are the substance of shows like CSI and Law and Order. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 7:54:45 PM | I'd have to throw my vote in with Mr. Garde. I second the run option. Testosterone is nothing to play with you may not get another chance.
-- Another man against violence against women -- | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:06:43 PM |
. . . I put up with it until he just flat out called me a whore and threw a glass at the wall and I was so afraid that he'd hit me.
Remember that exact phrase.
Remember that specific moment in time when you were terrified.
Allow your emotions to guide you to safety.
Face the fact that your relationship became rooted in & tainted with VIOLENCE.
Once any partner (female or male) cross into actions of violence (throwing objects, screaming in a face, calling names, paranoia) then the relationship is OFFICIALLY OVER....
IT becomes a WAR ZONE.
If you care for him as you claim, then you will want him to heal.
That is not done in a week, month or year.
It took years for him to get this level of anger, it will take years for him to learn to live with his sickness via anger management.
Allow him the grace of following his therapy but you must BREAK ALL FORMS OF COMMUNICATION with him.
NO PHONE CALLS.
NO EMAILS.
NO LETTERS.
His actions are unforgivable & he must realize the direct consequences of terrifying another human being. Have someone inform him that he has to FOCUS ON HIS PROBLEM.
You do not want to end up like NICOLE SIMPSON....do you?
You dont want your life to be that of a couple appearing for 20 minutes on the JERRY SPRINGER SHOW on Domestic Violence....do you?
The controlling men ( anger management ) are very manipulative and he may try to get you back via the pitty route.
Remember that he is controlling, sick & in dire need of medical attention.
You do not have a diploma in the subject of "Anger Management" and you should remain out of his focus. He has to concentrate on HIS ACTIONS, HIS BEHAVIOR and HIS PROBLEM.
Give him that chance to focus on healing himself.
Good luck and stay strong. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:16:18 PM |
don't take him back no matter what. you have just seen the beginning stages of someone that will become a abuser.
If you go back, it will only get worse. It will teach him that he can behave that way and get away with it. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:16:33 PM | SweetElizabeth
when my ex accused me it was always of the things he was doing, not me so i think you did the right thing i was always faithful but accused daily of cheating which is what he was doing and his cell phone bill showed it too | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:20:03 PM | | Be careful with this guy. I have a couple of questions. Is he extremely anal about how orderly things have to be? Is he or has ever threatened or abused you in any way? If the answer to the questions are yes. Then you are treading on dangerous water. He might be a very controlling person. I personally have never done anything like what you have expressed. You should ask yourself how much you are willing to put up with if you continue in a relationship with him. A normal relationship doesn't create fear, maybe anxiety at stressful moments in a relationship, but never the kind of fear you are talking about. You have to come to a point that you realize that if he slips one more time, it could be a serious and dangerous problem you might encounter. The other possibility is that he could be using steroids and that usually causes men to behave the way he has behaved towards you. When the problems you are talking about start when or if he started working out? He could have a substance abuse problem. These are just a few things to think about. Good luck. I think it might be best if you kept you distance from him for a while. Only time will really tell if he is the right person for you. If he is then you don't need to feel pressured into getting back together with him. I know that it can be difficult because you probably have a lot of strong feelings for him. Good luck and be careful. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:24:17 PM | I'm not a guy, but I will share a previous experience of mine, about 20 years ago.
I had a one-year relationship with a man who sounds very similar to your former boyfriend. He was possessive, jealous, and controlling. He would go on screaming rants where he called me names. He would throw things into the wall.
Every time it happened, I would break up with him. In that year, we broke up 4 times.
He was always very sorry........and I always took him back.
Until the last time, when he took me by the shoulders and shoved me into a door, causing me to lose my balance and fall to the floor.
In that moment, everything became crystal clear to me. The temptation to take him back never returned to me.
Ask yourself this, Elizabeth: do you believe that you deserve a partner who treats you with respect and consideration?
If the answer is yes, then reread your post in this thread. In doing so, you will have your own crystal-clear awakening. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:27:33 PM | I'm not a guy but I've been involved w/2 that had major anger issues and took them out on me. With one, it never mattered that I cared about him as much as I did. He expected me to spend all my time w/him and would get really jealous if I went out w/friends. I'm sure you know the drill, the questions. The yelling and pushing around that usually goes w/it.
Since he's already showed you what kind of person he is when he gets like this, I'd make him prove to you that he actually is seeking therapy. Ask to attend a session or two w/him. If he acts nervous, chances are he never sought it out. If that's the case, ask him if he'd be willing to go. Make it a condition to taking him back but don't give in until he actually gets the help he needs. If he's not willing, he doesn't care about you enough to treat you right and you deserve better than him. Chances are hon it will only get worse...and maybe next time he'll hit you instead of the wall. | |
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Ahhh!
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Joined: 11/25/2006
Msg: 18 | |
| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:29:47 PM | That's a tough one...I was involved with a guy who I didn't know he did coke until he completely lost it on me--I thought it was because of the booze he drank earlier--and when I said was gonna call the cops, he said "good, 'cuz he was gonna tell them I stole his coke!!" It was actually a funny statement, in retrospect, but at the time, he was so wired and irrational, and it was the first time ever got physical with me. He would call my cell endlessly and leave msgs calling me a slvt, a b'tch. Then when he was sober he would be so sweet...aplogizing, blah blah blah!! (of course I tried to believe he was sincere)
I would say change is possible..but, only if the person is serious about it. He wasn't. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:35:41 PM | If I was a female - I would stay clear of angry men - argumentative men - know it all men and several other types.
Angry - bittler - *itchy - females need a 5 mile no enter zone too. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:39:51 PM | | I'm not a man but I was in a marrige. My ex husband had an anger problem. Don't go back, just run. If he is in counsling he will not change over night it takes years of work. And if he loved you he would not of been treating you like that. Good luck | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:43:11 PM | | If he was accusing you, either he was cheating or has such low self esteem as to not be worth the trouble. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:43:50 PM | Don't waste your time. From what I've seen, people with anger issues, women included, rarely change their ways. Once they get back into the relationship it will be the same old song after a while.
Generally, people are who they are and rarely change for the better. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:44:09 PM | | gee, he sounds like a barrel of fun. monkeys can control their emotions better than he can. let's try to kick it up a notch-raise the bar above "monkey". | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:48:51 PM | Generally people who accuse you of cheating are cheating themselves or at least seriously thinking about it.
I wouldnt be with anyone with anger issues, they tend to become volient. Be sure you let him go easy so one day he doesn't get drunk and come and hurt you badly ( like kill you ) as he sounds like an abuser.
You can't seperate him from his anger, he comes with it and a few anger management classes are NOT going to cure him. Just accept he is who and what he is, an angry person and get him out of your life before you waste months and even years wishing he would change. | |
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| Anger question for the guys
Posted: 2/27/2007 8:59:40 PM | OK, PLEASE ,google "DOMESTIC VIOLENCE" and read some of the statistics you'll find on the listed sites. Domestic violence is like an ever tightening circle. It starts out with very small things and escalates into more and more dangerous incidents. He has just completed one of the cycles(when you kicked him out), now he will do and say anything to get you back into his life. The cycle will repeat, but the next time the abuse will be WORSE. This will continue as long as YOU allow it to... or until he KILLS YOU!!!
DO NOT.... I CAN'T REPEAT STRONGLY ENOUGH...DO NOT let this man back into your life!!!!!
I've been a cop for 19 years and have seen this TOO many times. SAVE YOURSELF...before it's TOO LATE. | |
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