| Never Say This & Hopefully Useful Tip
Posted: 3/2/2007 9:29:48 PM | The Never Say Part:
It is really important for women to feel safe in this whole online dating environment. It is a serious issue.
On two meetings, it has happened that we have been talking about "safety" and online dating, and the guy will look at me and say "how do you know I'm not crazy"? Or "how do you know I don't have a body hidden in my basement?" Things along those lines.
They might be joking at the time but to me it's a huge turn off. I consider a real gentleman, someone who does all he can to make me feel safe and comfortable (& it be genuine of course).
I don't understand why a guy would even joke about that and in some cases (if there are other quirky things about their demeanor) possibly inject "doubt" in that very sensitive area where there may not have been....
One of the things studied in the field of psychology is that people often say overtly, what they are about. For instance, and abuser will say early on, things like "you should stay away from me - I'll only hurt you". The person on the receiving end doesn't usually take this seriously, for many reasons. When someone makes self statements they are often true.
Also, men who become defensive if you do not accept a lift home/walked home on a very first date. I'm not going to reveal my address to someone I just met. I've heard things like "but now that you met me you don't trust me"? For the men who would say that, it is *not* personal to you or about you. It is only a general rule that would apply to anyone (no matter how charming & even liked) the person. It's just a safety protocol. Any defensive objections to women's safety protocols on the first date, usually make me think very much about a 2nd date.
The "maybe helpful" part:
It seems that a most awkward moment at a first meeting comes at the end, where one person might feel chemistry and the other not. Sometimes some feel it coming, don't know how to face it, and do things like go to the bathroom and never come back. Other times, it is the good old "I'll call you" which won't ever happen, while the other person is waiting for a call.
I don't condone those things at all but understand that people get uncomfortable & that is why they do them. So to make them less likely, why not just agree *before* the date (while setting it up), that at the end of time it will be simply said: "thank you for meeting up with me - have a great night"... And then have the understanding that you both will email the next day, thoughts about the meeting. It's so much easier that way, than looking someone in the face in front of you and saying to them you are not attracted to them. I wouldn't want to go through hearing it face to face, either.
Just an idea. It's worked really well for me. No stress at the end of the date and easy to have "integrity" in being honest. And hey, it might be good news on both parts as well. | |
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| Never Say This & Hopefully Useful Tip
Posted: 3/2/2007 10:08:40 PM | | Your suggestion for "maybe helpful" is absolutely excellent! This is such a wonderful idea because it gives both people time to think about what was discussed during the meeting. Thank you for sharing. | |
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| Never Say This & Hopefully Useful Tip
Posted: 3/9/2007 5:53:22 AM | There is no good way to meet a stranger on a date. Why would anyone date a stranger? Date only people about whom you know something already, from friends, family or co-workers.
We have this Internet dating and personals site industry going, because it pays to have such sites. Some charge membership fees, others get advertising revenue. It pays the site owners to have this kind of site. But it can't make any sense to meet a stranger as a date.
The reason there is fear is because the person is unknown. We all know that bad people don't act like bad people. They act like good people so they can gain your trust, which is how they get into position to do the bad stuff, whether it's rip you off or hurt you some other way. The Internet has no magical power to change the fact that a stranger is someone about whom you know nothing.
So I think it's kind of absurd to think that by adjusting the rules of a conversation you could get past this basic fact of stranger dating. What if the guy agrees with your conditions perfectly, but does so in the tradition of a bad guy trying to gain your trust?
The safer way to date is to limit yourself to people that other people already know, who can be recommended based on what is already known about them. Until dating sites have a reputation thing like eBay has for sellers and buyers, there just isn't enough information available to make a good guess about the person's real intention.
Superstitious rules-of-thumb work against one's own fears. They do not address the problem of lack of information. By providing yourself with false assurances you only make it more likely to end up in a bad situation. Put another way, just because you made someone jump through a hoop or two, doesn't mean you learned anything about them at all, beyond the fact they were willing to jump hoops.
The fear of strangers is based on their being unknown. The only fix is to learn more about them. Given how much work it is to research a complete stranger, compared to dating only those your friends can vouch for, why would anyone take the risk if they were scared?
I would be one to realize immediately in the situation you described that this date was doomed and why. If I am out with a woman and she seems afraid, then I know it is an impossible situation. Her fear is based on the fact she doesn't know me. I know there is no way for her to get to know me, since I don't want to get to know anyone who is afraid of me. I would rather date someone who isn't afraid of me. It's like trying to go swimming with someone who can't swim. If she can't take care of herself and kill me dead if she needs to, then she will have to be playing defense; understandable maybe, but no fun and not at all romantic. | |
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| Never Say This & Hopefully Useful Tip
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:09:27 AM | | hmm....wonders what lane splitter is doing on a dating site, where almost everyone you meet is a stranger you don't know. | |
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| Never Say This & Hopefully Useful Tip
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:13:14 AM |
"how do you know I'm not crazy"? Or "how do you know I don't have a body hidden in my basement?"
ive always had an answer for that one..
"how do you know im not carrying a knife?"
roflmao!!!
seriously tho thats an excellent outlook and advice to anyone dating anyone, online or not. | |
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| Never Say This & Hopefully Useful Tip
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:31:10 AM | I love your idea......and I agree that your safety should be a huge concern.
I hope other women reading this catch that point. Any man that any of you
women date should not only understand your safety concerns but should share
them. Some guys.....sometimes mistakenly......think that in saying something
like you described they're putting your fears to rest........they think that someone
who actually is crazy wouldn't ask such things. Some guys just don't get how
serious the whole thing can be.
* I kind of like scrubber's answer too! | |
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| Never Say This & Hopefully Useful Tip
Posted: 3/9/2007 11:52:36 AM |
On two meetings, it has happened that we have been talking about "safety" and online dating, and the guy will look at me and say "how do you know I'm not crazy"? Or "how do you know I don't have a body hidden in my basement?" Things along those lines.
There is no way he'd get a date with me. I mean come on! Why would anyone even say something so freaking stupid? Ugh! Jerk, a la jerk.
Automatic disqualifier. There is such a thing as an "appropriate" sense of humor and this kind of shyt you don't even joke about. Ick! | |
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| Never Say This & Hopefully Useful Tip
Posted: 3/9/2007 10:14:17 PM | Linesplitter writes: "The safer way to date is to limit yourself to people that other people already know, who can be recommended based on what is already known about them. Until dating sites have a reputation thing like eBay has for sellers and buyers, there just isn't enough information available to make a good guess about the person's real intention."
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Gee....if it was only that easy, huh? We all wouldn't have to be here now, would we? Dude, we are all HERE because we HAVE exhausted all those options that you have so dutifully spelled out for us. Family, friends, work, church, whatever. Only so many fishies in those pools, till you have to expand your horizans and try dating, OMG....."a stranger from a website"!!!
I mean really, who would choose to meet strangers? When you could meet someone, that is known by your friends or family? Duh....we all would want that.
You sound like Captaaaaaaaaaaaaaain Obviooooooooooooousssssssssssssssssssss!
So, if you DO choose to walk on the wild side and "date strangers", which is what this online dating thing is.......just be smart and safe. As our OP seems to be doing. Meet in public, tell someone where you are going and set up a time you will call back and set up the exit strategy before hand (brilliant move!). But, this being online dating and all, still be prepared for him not to reply and/or block email and disappear, anyway.
But, still good idea! Thanks OP! | |
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| Never Say This & Hopefully Useful Tip
Posted: 3/10/2007 5:19:21 AM |
There is no good way to meet a stranger on a date. Why would anyone date a stranger? Date only people about whom you know something already, from friends, family or co-workers.
I'm sorry sir, but that just doesn't cut it, even in the offline world. Some of histories worst serial killers come from good families. Clifford Olsen from Vancouver B.C. comes to mind. I worked with his sister and it was a real shock to the family to say the least. As another poster pointed out; what are you doing here if you have this outlook. | |
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