| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 6:11:41 AM | Hello I have an issue I need advice with. I have been dating this man who is 45 years old and the relationship went extremely for about 8 months until we started to talk about serious issues such as who could move if it became longterm(we live 2 hours apart) and living together, It was then I discovered he had a committment phobia(Fear of committing, and these ppl live in fear and confusion because what they perceive as committing is giving up their independance etc). He bolted out of fear and the relationship ended. Two days later he was back saying he was scared to death of what he perceived as giving up his independance etc (All committment phobia traits) We got back together and again things went well. After another month or so he felt the need to bolt again and he was gone. His going and coming went on for about 6 months. I refused to go back to the relationship unless he got professional help. He did go to counselling but it never lasted. Most men can not face the fear and figure out why they are CP and I guess he just couldnt do it hence the counselling ended. We again tried to continue but his fear stops him from continuing because he feels panicked and overwhelmed and physically has panic attacks. My problem is this...I know this man loves me as I love him and I trust him with all of my heart but Im not sure if I should stay out of his life or should I go back..make contact. He doesnt have family and Im sure he feels alone and confused. We have such a close tie but his bolting and fear is killing the relationship. And realistically It is hurting me everytime he runs although I understand why he does it. Do you think I should be there for him and help him get thru this problem or should I keep myself out of his life and move on?
Ty
Marcia | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 7:59:52 AM | | He needs to come up to your level, to rise to the challenge of meeting your minimum requirements, a woman that has her life together, is confident, happy, and not needy, not saying that you are not already a "together female", but I have found that when I make it clear in a non threatening way to a man that he needs to meet my requirements he will make adjustments or he will disappear, either way I win, I either get a great guy or I lose a loser, win/win situation; I must be doing something right I had 3 marriage proposals last year and 2 this year; just never compromise what you want, and never CONVINCE a man to be with you major no no. You don't need that and a real man doesn't respect a needy woman. I don't like needy either. I would move on from this man. | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 8:05:07 AM | | Would he feel less threatened if you moved to where he lived? Maybe that would ease some of his fear of loosing his independence. I think it would all depend on how long he has been single. Have you discussed what it would be like, if the two of you were to move in together? It's possible that you are making the situation too easy for him. He really needs to make the decision of what he wants to do. Men often want to committ to intimacy and that's about it. | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 8:36:44 AM | Some people find these commitment phobes or long distance relationships, or married men, or on and on... because they seem to only want the unavailable.
Sometimes its helpful to look at yourself and how this situation may be part of your own agenda.
And if its really not, then move on and find someone else as healthy and eager to be in a relationship as you are. They are out there. Otherwise you will eventually lose respect for always trying to "help" this guy. That isn't good for either of you.
Good luck | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 11:54:26 AM | Hello, I have also seen committment phobia from a guys viewpoint. A lot of women I know and dated are unsure of themselves. They are also not always willing to invest their time or long term committment into another relationship when they see either the signs that it will be just like all the previous relationships (unexciting, boring, same old relationships). Women want just like men, excitement, new, adventure, and looking for BBD.
I do not knock either women or men for this, because both sides carry this trait. It is an unfortunate problem, especially in America which we have become more self centered, independant, and interested in only ourselves. This trend has been continuing for a while now. Most people get bored in a relationship, they do not see an advantage either financially or emotionally and dump off the other person (much like stock market). When the chips go down we sell. Everyone has an agenda, and if your significant other does not share your feelings on life or does not have what you need, you dispose of them. This has created a whole society of fairly bitter, and annoyed group. You cannot say you do not know of people who do not hate their exwife or exhusband. Look around, everyone has got stories of people who are angry and bitter about someone they loved, but it did not work out.
Until we get past our insationable need for material items, money, and live for the monent attitude, we are not going anywhere. To be honest, the person in the first story sounds like he did not really want a committement. As for the lady, not really sure if you really had a respect in the first place for the guy. Honestly, what I have seen is that men and women get together for a lot of the wrong needs. I know, becuase I know a lot of women. Women needs and sexual ideas are not so far apart. I am betting there are men, who adore you, but you have ignored them, because they do not fit that right look, or you think their a nice guy, but your not willing to accept a nice guy. I hear all the time on this web site wines and cries of people in their hunt for the perfect person. If you have such high respect, it will come from within.
Cyrano | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 5:39:17 PM | | I thought committment phobia was the fear of being sent to the nuthouse | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 5:53:06 PM | | ^^I think you're "projecting" again. Not to worry, Paddy. Keep taking your meds, and everything will be just fine :) | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 6:37:44 PM |
think you're "projecting" again. Not to worry, Paddy. Keep taking your meds, and everything will be just fine
Are you implying that I may be all foam and no beer? A sandwich short of a picnic? Milky in the philbert.
You may be right. That could explain why I keep meeting these certifiable lunachicks | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 7:47:45 PM | In response to your question in your last line: neither.
ON the first part, there is not really much YOU can do to 'help' him with his problem (except possibly be his incentive for conquiring it maybe?). He needs to face it on his own, for it's his own area to grow in, and we all do that individually and at our own paces. I'm sorry to hear that the counseling that you mentioned didn't do much apparently; possibly "he just isn't ready yet". Don't be looking to 'help him', this will only lead to misery for you. However, that doesn't nescessarily mean to leave him either (contrary to the second part of your question)......possibly the biggest 'help' you might be would be being a friend in his corner cheering for him and praising his accomplishments. Beyond that, let your life lead where it will, and who knows, if you're still available after he's conquerred his 'issue', great! But if you find another, he'd have to understand too.
I guess so often we can easily find that looking at a relationship needs to be as 'on' or 'off' as a lightswitch. But remembering that we all change and (hopefully) can grow can help to reduce the sharp edge between. Just do this in a way that doesn't end up having you with your house bet on the risk that isn't clear right now. Patience are a virtue in uncertain times, but as well, if on the other hand, you indeed do need to bet your house RIGHT NOW, then run! | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 8:12:47 PM | | This happened to me, also. If he is not ready for commitment, it means just with you. The minute he runs into who he feels is "the One" he'll be married in short order. Dump his butt & move on. | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 8:27:14 PM | I agree with spumoni, hes a player, if he is not interested, find someone who is. Your are very beautiful women and can actually articulate a good thought. Work on someone worthy of your time. I can tell, you seek beauty from within. I found your profile rather interesting, surely you should have no problems finding a man of your calibur? Please do not call me surely?
Cyrano | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/3/2007 8:44:29 PM | Come to think of it, vixenpurring does NOT sound like a relationship type handle. And you just signed up with no photo, no interests, and less than 2 lines of "about me"
Is this some kind of hoax? You've got three threads. One in Ontario, Florida and California? All the same question, more or less... | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/4/2007 8:11:07 AM | Ahhh, you forgot...
One taco short of a combination plate and driving with one headlight | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/4/2007 8:26:56 AM | | I still think some guys were permanently damaged, commitment wise, after "Fatal Attraction" came out years ago. Michael Douglas' problems will forever be etched into the genes of future male generations! And I'm sure there are some who still shudder at the site of Glenn Close... | |
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BSGRL
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Joined: 10/26/2006
Msg: 16 | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/4/2007 10:36:17 AM | Hi janet,
No hoax, just wanting to gain an understanding of how other people dealt with CP and to hear of their experiences of which i have from Ontario to California. Interesting but many different opinions and views. I live in Florida but posted in other places as well. I did my profile, not with the interest of meeting, hense no pic and very little info in profile, because to be honest I am really not ready for such but because I wanted to learn about Cp.
Take Care
Marcia | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:44:19 PM | Did anyone mention...
One beer short of a six-pack
Not the sharpest nail the drawer
One sandwich short of a picnic 
KEEP THEM COMING!   | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/7/2007 8:01:14 PM | Ok:
A couple of bricks short of a hod.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few clues shy of a solution.
A few ears short of a bushel.
A few guppies short of an aquarium.
A few snowballs short of an avalanche.
A few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle.
A pane short of a window.
A few tacos short of a fiesta platter.
and last but not least:
A few screams short of an orgasm. | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/7/2007 9:31:06 PM |
LORD have mercy.
That's so unfair. They PTBs have decided that for reasons unknown people like me are not allowed to post something that short. I have to write a russian novel while you get away with three words. Sheesh!
That being said, I have no mercy:
Eating with only one chopstick.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
She can piss standing up, but not much else.
Proof God has a sense of humor.
Smart as a politician.
Smart as a lawyer is honest.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.
One board short of a porch.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick
Not firing on all thrusters.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
IQ of a salad bar.
If they made hats the size of his brain he would be wearing a peanut shell.
Impervious to brain damage.
No wind in her mind's windmills.
Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One horseman short of an apocalypse.
One tree short of a hammock.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Proof God has a sense of humor. (I thought that was me!)
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't know if he's afoot or on horseback.
Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Soft as baby shit.
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
God might still use him for miracle practice.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
Head whistles in a cross wind.
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
If his IQ were 2 points higher he would be a rock. | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/8/2007 12:04:31 AM | | I was 26, got with a girl who was 23. 6 months later she became pregnant. Now, I always wanted the traditional family as I came up an only child with no father. We moved into together and began life with our new son. About a year or so into it, she became noticably aggitated, telling me she felt disrespected that I hadnt already asked her to marry me. I am not the type to marry simply because of child... it is a personal choice that I made long ago, that I would date and get to know my partner for at least 2 years. If you ask me, the divorce rate is over 50% b'c people tend to marry on a whim and thus do not truly get to know their partner, then they come to find out months or a few years later that they are incompatible. Hence, divorce. I feel you have to understand what life will be like with that person before you can justify a lifetime with them. Anyway, I had my flaws, of course and she had hers, hers being mainly an attitude problem that made her very hard to deal with. She explained what she needed in a man, I adjusted. I explained to her that all I needed was for her to work on/correct her anger issues. She never really tried to correct anything and subsequently she began a pattern of "exploding" which was followed by her moving out, and when I say exploding, I mean screaming, yelling, breaking things, etc. In the midst of her tantrums I would always hear,"and you wont even respect me enough to marry me." In my mind, Im thinking, "and you dont respect me enough to control your anger." So, the pattern became, she would "explode" and move out with my son about every 4-5 months only to come back to me every time (about 4x in all). I am a decent man and I know it and she knows it. Now as time passed, she became even more enraged and critical that I hadnt proposed to her, and I kept telling her that her actions were dictating our future. If all she does is throw a tantrum and move out in frustration every so often, then clearly, this would be the pattern of our marriage, and that pattern would inevitably see divorce. (do you feel me?) Now I love my child to death and want nothing more than a real family but, getting married doesnt suddenly solve relationship issues. I think she's under the assumption they will. So now, to her, I am a selfish ***hole (among other names). In anger, she'll spit out a laundry list of my shortcomings yet, she wants to marry me. To myself, I made a wise decision (for now) and of course, she moved out with my son. Would you call me commitment phobic? Am I truly selfish b/c we share a child together? Do you think marrying this girl could actually calm her down? | |
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| committment phobia
Posted: 3/8/2007 4:50:01 AM | ^^sounds like you should start your own thread.
And while I do not condone her explosive nature in the least bit, your minimization of your lack of character towards your child is somewhat appauling. I would tend to agree with her viewpoint in you lacking respect.
People should not marry on a whim, but neither should they have sex and create an innocent child who will now suffer for your lack of judgement.
So if you ask the question if you are selfish, my answer would be yes. | |
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