| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/3/2007 7:37:03 AM | Hello I have an issue I need advice with. I have been dating this man who is 45 years old and the relationship went extremely for about 8 months until we started to talk about serious issues such as who could move if it became longterm(we live 2 hours apart) and living together, It was then I discovered he had a committment phobia(Fear of committing, and these ppl live in fear and confusion because what they perceive as committing is giving up their independance etc). He bolted out of fear and the relationship ended. Two days later he was back saying he was scared to death of what he perceived as giving up his independance etc (All committment phobia traits) We got back together and again things went well. After another month or so he felt the need to bolt again and he was gone. His going and coming went on for about 6 months. I refused to go back to the relationship unless he got professional help. He did go to counselling but it never lasted. Most men can not face the fear and figure out why they are CP and I guess he just couldnt do it hence the counselling ended. We again tried to continue but his fear stops him from continuing because he feels panicked and overwhelmed and physically has panic attacks. My problem is this...I know this man loves me as I love him and I trust him with all of my heart but Im not sure if I should stay out of his life or should I go back..make contact. He doesnt have family and Im sure he feels alone and confused. We have such a close tie but his bolting and fear is killing the relationship. And realistically It is hurting me everytime he runs although I understand why he does it. Do you think I should be there for him and help him get thru this problem or should I keep myself out of his life and move on?
Ty
Marcia | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/3/2007 8:12:25 AM | Sad to say but I believe you should move on. Otherwise you will have to deal with this same behavior over and over again. In fact, HE should really be the one who goes away and stays away and if he really loved you he would, because obviously this is hurting you.
Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells, do you feel nervous, never knowing when the next ''run away'' will happen. This has to be stressful on you and not good for your psyche as I'm sure you live in constant fear of when this is going to happen again. You can't feel safe and secure in the relationship.
I'd tell him that for your own sanity you need to leave and have no contact with him. You MUST move on and heal. He must deal with his issues. Later on, when months have passed either he might have gotten himself together, but sounds to me like he's just fine living like he is, and most likely won't change. You deserve more than sitting on pins and needles waiting for him to break up with you again. Good Luck | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/3/2007 4:12:32 PM |
He did go to counselling but it never lasted.
Sorry, but if he cannot even commit to therapy, he will not commit to you.
I think you have been there for him. . . . .it's time to move on.
Just my .02
~fly | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/3/2007 6:44:13 PM | One classic sign of a commitment phobic is someone
who has had lots of different jobs. Does this fit?
Also, there are often underlying reasons why someone
is commitment phobic, them not wanting to reveal their
own or their family's issues with substance abuse is
a big one.
Only you can decide if you get enough from the
relationship to make it worthwhile, but it sounds
like you are doing most of the giving. And many times,
we try to "fix" others so we don't have to deal with
our own issues. That's classic co-dependent behavior.
Bottom line, would you rather love or be loved? Why?
People have different needs, but I think it is true
that in most relationships one person does more
loving and one person does more receiving of
the love. In the best relationships, they are close
to balanced. In the worst, they are way off.
Which person are you, and which person do you
want to be?
Hope this helps, and best wishes,
HeartofGold59 | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/3/2007 7:16:39 PM | Don't hold out waiting on him to commit. There are plenty of us fish on the other side of the fence who would love a commitment.
Seems like you are at a standstill with this relationship. Tell him you just want to be friends, see if he steps up to the plate. | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/3/2007 7:59:26 PM | | your man doesn't have a commitment problem, he has another life problem. the reason he won't commit is because he can't make up his mind to be with you exclusively or continue seeing you and whoever he's seeing where he lives. one doesn't fear losing independence, one chooses to be independent. there are lots of independent people in commited relationships. actually, the happiest of people in commited relationships enjoy their independence. it takes a really good liar to fool a professional therapist for any period of time. quiting therapy gets him out of exposing himself for what he is. the best thing you can do is get tested for std's and never look back. and.......don't hold this against your next man, we're not all a--holes. good luck | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 5:04:20 AM | | hi Newlysingle. He does indeed have a commitment problem. There is a 44 check point list that defines a CP..traits that they possess and sadly he protrays 30 of these. I protrayed 0. It isnt about him seeing other people because he isnt but a charcateristic of CP is always looking for the perfect mate, course most of us realize perfection doesnt exist. You dont fear losing your independance but a CP person does. Course its something we all choose but we are able to understand, rationally, what independance means while Cp people have irrational thoughts of what it means, but its their reality. I wouldnt hold this against anyone else I might become involved with but I have learned from it and a person who has CP doesnt make them an a--hole. Its a phobia and its very real for these people. Anyways just some info Ive learned about the whole CP thing. Thanks for your input. | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 5:12:34 AM | | Hi Heart..yes many different jobs..most short term..he is very well educated but cant commit to anything longterm. His background included his mother dying when he was 5 and then his dad being an alcoholic. Might have something to do why he is a CP...might not. All I know for sure is the day he gave up counselling was the day I knew this relationship would not work. I went back anyways but I will not be going back again. If he goes back to counselling well great for him but I wont be a part of his life anymore. Always will be his friend but never be anything more. I deserve a much better relationship than the one I was in with him. And I hope one day he can find happiness and lose the fear he has had for a very longtime. He is a guy with a phobia..doesnt make him a bad person but he isnt the person for me. Thanks for ur input. Much appreciated. | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 7:40:11 AM | | Hi Marcia: I have a story for you. 33 years ago, I met a man who was much like the one you describe. Single, not much family, scared to death of commitment. I hung in there, he finally proposed on Christmas eve, and disappeared for 2 weeks ( that scared thing again). He had promised to help me hang curtains in my living room. I asked him to help, he did, seemed to remember why he wanted to be with me, us, I had a 3 year old daughter. We were married on January 12th, and had 32 wonderful years. He passed away on April 30th of 2006. He was worth waiting for. I hope your man is worth it too. Good luck. Dolores | |
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nowake
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Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 9:00:28 AM | | I agree with rosebud.....Besides,,,Asking women (or men) that are single, on a free internet site for serious dating advice probably isn't the best avenue to pursue...follow your heart and perhaps seek some professional advice to see if some form of compromise is possible to slowly bring him into the possibility of a long term commitment.....If the phobia is the only issue why not take a little more time to try and work through it........Not all men are hopeless as some on here would have you think.....Most of us are, but not all......LOL....... | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 9:22:04 AM | I dont think we're assuming all men are hopeless but if you go back and read the OP, you'll see this person is hurting. The guy would not do therapy either. She's tried hard and has been there for him when he leaves and comes back. This is hurtful to her...I'd give a guy the same advice in fact if you go to the ''ask a girl'' forum...you can see me woman bash too when they treat guys like crap....and do them wrong
this is about what is doing best for YOU...sometimes when you are in a situation where your heart is involved you hear what others are telling you but you still are afraid of letting go of the love you feel for that person and just doing what is right for YOU and your psyche. When i was dating an alcoholic his mom kept telling me, "you've got to get away, you have to take care of you." I didn't listen...I rode it out to a very bad ending...I didn't want to turn my back on someone who i thought needed me, someone i loved, But that's exactly what he needed...and more importantly what I needed.
A very much loved/much hated man on tv says...The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior
unless someone is willing to change they won't....she needs some distance to rethink and review whether or not to continue...and he needs to lose a good thing and maybe that will make him want to change...maybe not...only time will tell, but why spend that time being miserable? | |
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nowake
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Joined: 8/11/2006
Msg: 12 | |
| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 9:48:07 AM | There's two sides to every story........Giving out advice, serious advice to someone when you don't KNOW all the facts can have irreversible consequences. What's HIS side of the story?
That's why the advice given should be that they both seek counselling TOGETHER and let a professional who gets to hear BOTH sides of the issue give the advice.....Yes she is hurting, but she states she loves him and he loves her.....Let a professional handle this issue with both of them,,,not the armchair quarterbacks........My advice to the OP would be to go to counselling together and see if you can work it out and don't listen to the naysayers........ | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 9:58:50 AM | Maybe you need to go into every forum topic and post that same advice...as many are seeking advice in the forums...maybe we should just do away with any of them that deal with dishing out advice
Not everyone can afford counseling so they seek the advice of others who maybe have been in similar situations. In this case he sought counseling and bailed out.
Those giving advice bring in their own experiences with them....and the poster knows they are not professionals. In fact, most posters know the answer they will get before they post and just need to hear others in support of a decision most have already made in their minds.
As for naysaying, my original advice sticks. She needs to do what is best for her and what she feels is right in her heart. Whether it's advice or giving him time without her as he has forcibly made her do without him from time to time. Maybe some space to figure things out is what she needs...But ultimately it is her life and her decision to make. Just because two people love one another doesn't mean they're going to live happily ever after or live in a productive, healthy relationship.
As for being a professional. I may not have a license on my wall, but i do counsel everyday as part of my job. | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 10:30:37 AM | Thanks..You are right regarding everything you said. We come on here to gain an understanding.. of other people who might have experienced similiar issues etc..Most of us are not here to bask etc...After reading all the posts I can certainly say that It has helped with trying to understand CP and just from hearing about other people and what it has meant for them.
belly18dancer...sometimes the best counsellors doesnt have a license..for we all know the license comes from textbook learning but the best counsellors comes from people learning.
Wish you the best!!
Marcia | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 10:57:33 AM | | Most men can not face the fear and .....Aren't you being a little too general here??? Some of us don't want to be classified as " MOST MEN ".. | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 11:36:59 AM | Marcia,
Let me share my experience with you and then perhaps you'll have a better understanding of why I would suggest that despite the love you feel for each other, you save yourself true heartbreak and move on.
I met a man in a chat room 7 years ago where the discussion was the Smokey Mountains and Harleys. Well, both just happen to be two of my favorite things in my earthbound stay here so I got into the conversation. We hit it off and continuted the discussion in IM and then on through emails and eventually phone calls. We developed a wonderful friendship over the course of a year before we finally decided it was time to meet. He lived (still does) in Tennessee and I live in Florida. We decided to meet in St. Augustine, FL with the understanding that there were no expectations other than meeting and finally smiling into the face of the person we had come to care for as a good friend over the past year. Well, needless to say, we spent 3 of the most beautiful days either one of us had ever experienced. When we parted at I-75, he to go north and I south, we pulled over and hugged and cried and told each other that we would talk that night.
We spoke on the phone EVERY day, sometimes 2 & 3 times a day. Because of his job as an engineer for Firestone his work schedule allowed him 5 consecutive days off each month and so starting the very next month after our first meeting he would drive to me in Florida or fly me up to TN. We did this for 3 years when we decided it was time for me to sell my home and move to TN. Now mind you, this is what I wanted because I was tired of the heat in Florida and I missed the mountains terribly. Well, I sold my home and resigned my job of 15 years from a college where I was an administrative assistant. The day I resigned my job, he told me he wasn't sure we were doing the right thing, but if I wanted to give it a try to see if it would work, well then I could move up there.........you can imagine my disbelief and my heartbreak. Thank God my boss rescinded my resignation, but in the meantime, I was now without my home.
Several months later, he called and asked if he could meet me and I did. He begged me to forgive him, he cried and said he'd buy me 10 rings, or marry me right then and there. Well, I had just bought another home and said to him I needed time to heal and trust again and I need to get some equity in the home I'd just bought.
Well, two years later, there was no longer any talk of my moving up there and when I mentioned it, he said............do it, sell your house and get up here........he loved me and wanted me with him. So I put my house on the market again......but by this time the housing market had died and it was on the market for almost one year. In October of last year, he convinced me to go visit my son in Italy and said he would pay for the trip. Two days after I returned from Italy, he called and said to me he just couldn't do this long distance thing anymore and it was over. THANK GOD my house did not sell this time and I have just six years until I retire from a great job with good benefits and pension/retirement plans (all of which I was ready and willing to give up to be with this man)! My family and my friends all say the same thing.......that they knew Michael loved me.....they had no doubt of it......but that he had serious commitment issues. Upon reflection, I was on an emotional roller coaster most of the six years of our relationship because of his on again/off again readiness to make the commitment.
I'm finally starting to get better, it's been almost 5 months since the break-up......but let me tell you......I was, just two months ago, in such a bad place this second time around that my Dr. threatened to Baker Act me if I didn't seek counseling to help me with my grief and heartbreak.
I think you made a wise decision not wanting to stay involved with a man who does not have the confidence and belief in you and your love as a couple to have a happy and good future and life together.
I apologize for the lengthy post, but I wanted to give you a sense of just how long this sort of relationship could possibly go on.
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 12:40:39 PM | Im so sorry this happened to you..I understand about the riding of roller coasters. Awful and confusing. The day I wrote this post was a day I was doubting myself..If I made the right choice. Has we both know most times when a relationship ends, the feelings doesnt. Thats the hard part..dealing with the emotions. Even harder is accepting the fact that 2 people can love each other but that doesnt quarantee they will be happy together or even if they should be together. A lesson Ive learned. By reading the posts the other day and still today is just reinforcing that i did what I felt I had to do was right. Its so nice to hear about how other people dealt with it.
You will be fine..as I will be..give yourself whatever time you need and I dont think I will ever look back on my time with him has a waste of time and hopefully you never will either. He just wasnt capable of giving me what i needed and wanted. I know the pain that comes with losing your best friend/lover..a guy you had so much faith in ..a guy you could see, at one point, being with for a very longtime. But we are very strong creatures :) We will get thru and past and oneday when we are into a solid satisfying relationship we will look back and silently whisper a thank you to the guy who lead us to him. Your guy friend could not commit..I realize some men and women might not want a commitment for all kinds of different reasons..thats fine too..but whats harder is knowing without a doubt that he just cant commit no matter how much he may want to..how much he adores you..he just isnt capable of commiting.
Its heartbreaking. Its extremely hard to get past it but you are well on your way of doing just that. I thought about this the other day..maybe we should consider ourselves lucky in the sense that we have given these men a glimpse of what real love is all about. They are never forgetting us as we wont ever forget them. Ppl come into our lives for a reason I believe and my reason to be with him was to show him what love was and I know I did. Now its time for me to leave his life and Its ok..
I wonder if you still communicate with him ...We dont.and altho its been hard I think for us its the only way..
Good luck,
Marcia | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 1:07:16 PM | We sent an email or two, Marcia.......but since I'm not the one who ended it, it's extremely painful for me to read his "friendly chatty" notes. I've asked him several times if he's happy but he will not respond to that query. So 'tis much better for me to not hear from him. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm headed to the Smoky Mountains next week to take a hiking trip that we had planned together. I'm hoping it will be a time of purging and healing for me although I'm very anxious about it and about how well I'll do emotionally. However, for some reason, I believe this is what my heart and soul needs. I wish I could say that I'm as strong as you are in that I'd never go back.........but truth be told, if he showed up on that trailhead next week (he definitely won't).......I'd go to the end of the earth with him and never look back..........Sad......huh?
Lynda | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/4/2007 1:59:54 PM | no not sad..Its called love..love blinds us sometimes for whats best for us..and quite possibily whats best for our partner..we all deal with endings differently but I think we all feel the loss..You obviously loved this guy very much and deal with this loss day by day..moment by moment on the days you need to. Its very easy to say get over it..move on ..etc but it takes time and with time comes acceptance. Im sure he is dealing with the loss too, in his own way.
I dont think Im any stronger than you..I think we handle endings differently..maybe you just havent reached the point of total moving on. I think you will..I know its really hard to shut that door to him, because until you do I dont know if we ever fully recover.
Hardest thing i done was close the door..and some days Its almost like Im putting nails in the door to keep it shut!
Give yourself time to heal and recover..anytime you would like to chat,,drop me an email if I can be of any help..I certainly dont have all the answers but If u need someone to listen or to just talk about it..I find that helps
Marcia | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/24/2007 4:09:09 PM | | There are truly REAl wonderful great men out there, that do want commitment, trust me! You just have to find your Mr. Right, dont settle for second best, hold yourself true, and save you for some one who can really appreciate YOU. I say dont waste your time, Give the relationship so much tiem, and if your really in love and hes not where you are, then time to move on, you do not want to be on the forever dating game, trust me, Like Mom said: " Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free". Its not your problem its his, move on meet more men, Date as many great men as you can, to find mr. wonderful. ( trust me, there are some most amazing men out there!) the secret-watch it! | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/24/2007 10:36:24 PM | hello how are you i m sorry spanish speak to like beautiful you wish by all means me attracted you bonita.. me gustaria que speak spanish ai lov you bonita.. | |
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| Help!!! In love with a commitment phobia!
Posted: 3/25/2007 7:43:33 AM | At least you know where the CP stands. You can accept it and let the book continue with best hopes or close that chapter and start a new one! The only thing you can not do is give an ultimatum.
Kudos to good communication and understanding where the other person is at. Unfortunately most couples are on two different levels of emotion. Keeping it elementary, this is how you know if you’re committed.
People are naturally selfish, its human nature, and we make 1000 decisions a day and every one of those decisions effect the other people in our life (your decisions bring you closer together or drive you further apart). Think about the decisions you make. If you subconsciously think about the other person first when making a decision than you are committed. If you don’t include them in your decision making formula than you are not committed (even if you think you are). | |
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