| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 7:50:12 AM | Hello I have an issue I need advice with. I have been dating this man who is 45 years old and the relationship went extremely for about 8 months until we started to talk about serious issues such as who could move if it became longterm(we live 2 hours apart) and living together, It was then I discovered he had a committment phobia(Fear of committing, and these ppl live in fear and confusion because what they perceive as committing is giving up their independance etc). He bolted out of fear and the relationship ended. Two days later he was back saying he was scared to death of what he perceived as giving up his independance etc (All committment phobia traits) We got back together and again things went well. After another month or so he felt the need to bolt again and he was gone. His going and coming went on for about 6 months. I refused to go back to the relationship unless he got professional help. He did go to counselling but it never lasted. Most men can not face the fear and figure out why they are CP and I guess he just couldnt do it hence the counselling ended. We again tried to continue but his fear stops him from continuing because he feels panicked and overwhelmed and physically has panic attacks. My problem is this...I know this man loves me as I love him and I trust him with all of my heart but Im not sure if I should stay out of his life or should I go back..make contact. He doesnt have family and Im sure he feels alone and confused. We have such a close tie but his bolting and fear is killing the relationship. And realistically It is hurting me everytime he runs although I understand why he does it. Do you think I should be there for him and help him get thru this problem or should I keep myself out of his life and move on?
Ty
Marcia | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 8:02:08 AM | Had you worked through the other issues, beside the Commitment part? I mean, is is just his fear of losing "independence" etc?
FOr example, at your ages (and mine lol), moving to someplace else 2 hrs away would mean changing jobs for one thing. For me that impacts my (future) pension, and also at 40, finding a new job in my field competing with the 20somethings out of university is daunting. A fear of being unemployed would certainly impact my decision on this kind of move.
Just my thoughts. | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 8:04:00 AM | If you need to ask the question, I think you already know the answer. If this has gone on for months and months, it is not going to change overnight. If you want to spend the rest of your life on pins and needles, then go for it.
I couldn't.
Good luck | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 8:05:56 AM |
It is hurting me everytime he runs although I understand why he does it.
But... do you understand your behaviour? You're letting him hurt you and that doesn't sseem to be your issue.....stop excusing his behaviour and ignoring yours.
Do you think I should be there for him and help him get thru this problem or should I keep myself out of his life and move on?
You've been there for him yet he apparently has never been there for you..... as the other poster suggested - you are his yo-yo on a string... you're complicating the problem, in my opinion.
Stop returning to him... let him get his act together. Personally, if it were me in that situation, my patience would have worn out by now. | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 8:44:23 AM | | He is never going to change - you need to move on - you will find love again and someone that wants to commit to you - don't give him the permission to treat you like 'a come back girl'!! You deserve to live happy with someone who won't bolt each time you draw closer to a future together!! | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 9:13:32 AM | It takes a lot of counseling and meds to get over a true commitment phobia. If you have the patience to wait it out (only if he got the help) it could be ok. However, as it seems he couldn't commit to the counseling either, you may just have to move on - but do stay as a friend capacity. Commitment phobes do need some grounding, but never over extend or compromise yourself.
BTW: Why did you choose the Ontario Canada forums when you are from Florida? I'm just curious. | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 9:13:53 AM | You are what some people call an "Enabler" ...I dont think this is how you want to view yourself as !!
Go on with your life & find the person that's really right for you & the one that has no fears of commitment, you will find this person, the right one for everyone is out there, just be patient !!
All good comes to those who wait...I'm still waiting  | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 9:30:26 AM | Hi Womanandmom..thanks for your response..
The moving would be a major change..One of us would have to change jobs and uproot our children. But its not the actual move that scares him ( the move could be months..years away) and any move is kinda scary but normal scary..Fro him its the meaning of the move..moving in with someone means a commitment. Its the irrational yet real FEAR that these people feel when faced with making a comitment. Its also the fear of getting hurt etc. A full host of complicated issues go side by side with Cp people. The sad part about this is that he is a great guy and Ive seen him with the walls of fear gone but I cant keep them away. They always come back and will continue to return until, at the very least, he gets professional help. I know I am doing the right thing (Staying away) but It is very sad to care about someone very deeply and know and accept the fact that he will never be what i want or need , not because of who he is(his actions/behavoir) but because he is consumed by Fear and quite possibly always will be. | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 9:37:11 AM | Agree. I have been there for him. But did leave him for 2 months(No contact whatso ever) until he called to say he has started counselling and asked if we could attend together. He acknowledges his issue and began the counselling process but like many Cps couldnt continue.
I guess there are days I still doubt as to whether I made the right choice or if I should have worked thru this out with him. The emotional rollercoaster was a first for me so i stepped out from it. You are absolutely correct and Its just nice to have it reconfirmed. | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 11:28:43 AM | Sorry, as I know it can't be easy to know all that's wonderful about someone, and how you mesh, yet to have to acknowledge this "fatal flaw" that, in the end, pulled you apart. :(
But ultimately, if you two aren't on the same page as far as future, then there's little you can do about it, other than to walk away. :( | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 11:50:53 AM | Commitment phobia,,,,,,, hmmmmmmm I wonder!!!
Many women will lable a man, "Commitment phobic",,, I have often wondered whether or not that is fair!! So here are a couple of my random thoughts on the subject,,, for what ever they are worth!!!
Women marry a man thinking he will change,,, but he does not!
Men Marry women thinking that they will not change,,,, and they do!
IS it possible that it's not a phobia,,, but rather a search for exactly what they are looking for in the way of a keeper,,, with the thoughts that they won't change and he will always be happy???
If you need couselling to evercome something that doesn't make you happy,,,,, why do you need couselling??
As I said,,, just a couple of random thoughts,,,,, | |
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Maxhal
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Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 13 | |
| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 11:59:28 AM | Never heard of CP that would take a guy and make him run when there is really no chance of a move occuring for 2 years.
I'm afraid of deeper problems in your relationship then a commitment phobia unless that is just another term for meaning.
I am not ready, willing or ever wanting to settle down full-time with this girl
It's not worth the aggravation , he's a waffler !  | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/3/2007 12:45:09 PM | Since everyone seems to be pretty much in agreement here, I'll play devil's advocate and give you a different perspective.
His commitment phobia need not be the issue. Your post seems to indicate that he runs whenever he feels threatened with the need to make a commitment; otherwise all is good... you love him, he loves you... seems to me he's content with the long distance relationship as it is, and doesn't require geographical proximity or emotional commitment. The relationship free of pressures to move, or move in together, is working for him.
Now analyze it from your perspective. The fact that you keep letting him come back after he runs away indicates that there is something in it for you that keeps you interested. Ask yourself one question.... do you need this relationship to move forward toward commitment in order to be happy in it?... forget the social norms and how relationships are supposed to work... all that matters is finding something that you both can be comfortable with. Can you content loving this guy in a relationship that stays at the level you're at now?
I knew a lady who lost her husband when she was in her late 40s... after a while she met a guy and started dating him. Over 20 years later they were still dating, 2 or 3 times a week, escorted each other to functions, family gathering etc. The point is, for over 20 years they had a great loving relationship without ever moving in, getting married, or even moving closer together. They were both happy in this uncoventional relationship, and it worked for them for over 20 years....
Your question should not be should you stay around and help him through his troubles... your question should be can you be content into the future if the relationship stays as it is? He will either get by his phobia or not, and your trying to help him will most likely only result in pushing him further away. Decide what you want, and make your decision on him based on whether you can be fulfilled even if he never does get past it. | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/4/2007 9:13:58 AM | Ive thought about this actually rrrascal, but that couldnt work for me. It would work for awhile but somewhere down that road I want more than that with someone. It might work for some but It wouldnt for me. The only thing I can do at this point is stay away with no contact and hope he overcomes the fear he carries with him someday. I will move on but always be glad we had almost 2 years together. Some might say that Im bailing or being selfish but I know Im not. The last few year has been like an emotional rollercoaster and while I understand its not intentional on his part but because of his fear I have decided to get off the ride and stand on the ground for now. : ) Not that I want to but because I have to.
Interesting post rrrr....thanks | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/4/2007 9:36:52 AM | My opinion is summed up in one simple word, in all caps and followed by several exclamation points to make it's full meaning known....
*puts on director hat*
*director bullhorn*
*Feedback through bullhorn*
NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/6/2007 12:14:18 PM | i have to say that i often hear about committment phobias and i really strugglie with that sometimes...i think often we label men as committment phobics only because we women are dissatisfied with the relationship as to where it currently is and we want more. However, it doesn't mean that just because he doesn't want to take things up a notch that he's a committment-phobe..it could be that he just doesn't want to make that move with you.
I don't mean to sound harsh and, trust me, i've done the waiting around hoping that i could nudge him into more, etc. and i learned a lot from that experience.
but i've also seen men who are supposed committment phobes meet a woman and, bham, there is no issue whatsoever--they're up for it with no badgering, negotiating, pleading, etc.
so, my advice is that while maybe he does have issues, that's not up to you to fix and the best thing you can do is take care of your own needs and end it, because you're obviously not happy with the situation, or else you wouldn't be posting this on the forum and questioning this.
can you accept the status quo? if not, then move on. | |
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| In love with a commitment phobia guy
Posted: 3/6/2007 12:51:38 PM | I agree..some men may not simply want to go further and commit and nor should they if its simply that. The guy I dated is, without a doubt, commitment phobic. He displays over 30 of the 44 traits he was given during counselling.(Not being able to stay in one job for a long time( he has had 21 jobs!!) No close friends..the list goes on.. He is the first to acknowledge what he has but he chose not to continue with the professional help. His choice and it became my choice to walk away. Despite everything I honestly hope he finds the strength and couage to overcome it someday and only then can he allow himself to be in a satisfying and rewarding relationship with someone else. And maybe its not what he needs. Maybe he can live as is. However he decides to live his life I hope its complete and fullfillng for him. He is a great guy and deserves it. I am moving on.
Marcia | |
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