| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 9:29:26 PM | OK. So, me and the father of my child have been broken up for severel years, we don't (and are not trying to) have a physical relationship of any kind, and are both currently in relationships- Just wanted to give you a brief overview, now here goes the situation:
He lives about 45mins-1 hour away from me (given traffic). He picks up my son from school about two weeks out of the month, which (the school) is much closer to my home. The problem? I don't get off of work until a little later in the evening.
He feels that giving him a key to my place would "make it easier on my son". This is so that he could just bring him straight to my house to do: homework, bathe and have dinner by the time I get home, and then he would just leave once I got there. (hope your following...lol)
He feels like this "arrangement" would be better than going back and forth to his home, because my child would get home much later. I do not want him to have a key. I am willing to loan it to him to get in here and there. But to keep it on his key ring? No.
I jokingly expressed to him that it would boost his ego if I did give it to him; especially since he is going home to another lady. He thought it was funny and told me that having my keys on his ring, and going home to his women wouldn't effect him none, because it's "just an arrengement". Should I believe this?
Sorry so long. I wanted to be fair and give both sides of the story; not just my own...
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 9:36:38 PM | No one who isn't a 'member of my household' gets a key to my place.
Don't know how anyones ego would be affected in any way by having a key to an ex's place. | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 9:45:25 PM | I guess I heard it a few times from a few guys... I guess you guys are just as complicated as us women... I only ask because I don't know; not because I think I do.
Thanks for your response, and you validated my point of not wanting to give it to him. | |
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e-wok
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Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 4 | |
| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 10:04:52 PM | From what you said, it doesn't sound anything close to being an
ego thing. It's seems to be a practical way of getting around....
Let's see......1 hour to drive to pick up your son at school...one hour
to drive back to his and wait for you....then another hour to
return him to your place, then FINALLY another 1 hour to finally
get back home safe and sound......WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And somehow you think he's geting an ego boost?
Sounds like you have a thing for him.
I guess you guys are just as complicated as us women
Far from it. We are simply practical. The key....you see a love struck man when
all the dude wants is to save gasoline and hours of boring drives.
Stop thinking like a girl...not everything has hidden messages and meanings. | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 10:08:08 PM | i dont think this is a issue of ego but rather of safety and peace of mind.
is there a neighbour that you trust that could hold a key and let him in on the required days? i have a couple of trusted neighbours that have keys to my house.
another option would be to install a second lock on the door let him have a key to one of them and on the days he requires access only lock the one that he has a key for. | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 10:10:37 PM | I jokingly expressed to him that it would boost his ego if I did give it to him; especially since he is going home to another lady. He thought it was funny and told me that having my keys on his ring, and going home to his women wouldn't effect him none, because it's "just an arrengement". Should I believe this?
Why not give the child the key?
I think you are looking too far into this... why would you ever think it is a boost to his ego? That seems rather arrogant and short sighted on your part.
In my opinion, do what is best for your child... not your ego. | |
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Seir
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Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 7 | |
| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 10:15:04 PM | MillwrightPaul and I_My have good ideas.
If you're not comfortable with him having a key, don't give him one, period.
One would think that father of a child would shrug off the excess driving time and gas costs to be able to sped time with his child. ....but that logical practicality does make us callous at times.
Is there no one local you know and trust to have your child visit with until you're off work? | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 10:21:14 PM | I somehow knew that this would come back on me. The writers of these forums always seems to end up the culprit for some reason. lol
Listen, it's really not that deep. I just asked if it was an ego boost for a guy to have the keys to his exes spot. that simple... Now, I have the hots for him and It's "my" ego being boosted! you guys are really reaching. it's a yes or no question.
I did like the idea of the third lock that he would have the key too on the days he needed it and not the others. I also said that I didn't have a problem letting him in for the sake of my son. I guess some of you missed that part huh? Please respond according to what I wrote. Not the partial parts you read. thank you.
And by the way, I am not in love or like with him. Thanks for your responses and I hope to get more. | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 10:39:16 PM | | Doesnt' sound like an ego thing at all. You must do what is best for your son. As long as your son thinks it would be better. And driving back and forth a couple hours a day is a lot of time wasted. Who cares who has who's key. Especially if it's been several years since you've been apart. A small price to pay for the benefit of your child. | |
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e-wok
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Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 10:40:59 PM | Where did you state you were willing to give him the key for the sake
of your son? All I read was that you accused him of having an ego
trip. I read nothing about your willingness.....but I suppose you need
to go back and read your own post, huh?
Give the boy's the key!!!!
If you aren't willing, what's stopping you from driving to his place
to pick up your son....the drive?? | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 10:48:22 PM | Well, I think some really good ideas have already been mentioned about how to resolve the issue about your childs lost time traveling back and forth.
To stick to your question that you seem more concerned about,
Guys, would this boost your ego? Me personally, no. I think it would only be practical for everyone involved, and that's usually how I think about things. I don't see any reason to have a boosted ego or perhaps even brag about such a thing. Do I think he would have a boosted ego because of this? Maybe. I guess it's possible. But than again, so is seeing pigs fly! | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 10:59:15 PM | e-wok, in the forth paragraph when I said "I am willing to loan it to him"; and "jokingly expressed" is a far cry from "accusing him" isin't it?
Like I said, you are really reaching... lol
You seem to need my attention with all the nit-picking and everything.
Like I said, it's simply a question;for the sake of me knowing the mind of a male better- that's all...
men say that us women don't really know them right (in general)?
all we have to do is "just ask"?
Well,"YOU" are a prime example of why we'd rather sometimes just assume...
and you say "women" blow things out of proportion...
Moving along- To the guys with the mature and sensible responses, thank you!; you gave some good suggestions to solving the problem, instead of trying to play the part of a pseudo POF Psycologist... | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 11:07:11 PM | I'm just wondering...what exactly is your concern with him having a key? I have several keys distributed amongst friends and family for various purposes...like checking on my dogs when I'm out of town, having access to some musical equiptment, dropping stuff off for me when I'm not home...
If he's in a relationship and there's been no issues between the two of you regarding the possibilities of getting back together, if he's not violent, controlling, or jealous, it doesn't seem like much of a safety concern. Are you worried that he will go through your personal things? He could do that on the few occassions you've let him borrow the key. Are you concerned that he would go into your home on days when he has no business there? It just doesn't sound as if that would be an issue.
You should of course do whatever is comfortable for you, and practical for your child. I'm just not quite getting what the concern is. | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 11:14:04 PM | No way Jose'. That is just asking for uninvited guest(s) and trouble. You (AND him, too) need to work around your real life limitations of being independent.
DO NOT do it, whatever you do. In fact, if you suspect an inkling he might have a key and is just trying to persuade your interest, get your locks changed.  | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 11:15:21 PM | | It is far from having to do with his ego. If he is living with another woman, he has obviously moved on. He is trying to make things more practical for his life, and yours. | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 11:16:44 PM | Snugglesmacks,
Good questions. I really don't want him in my place at all to be honest. The only reason I would allow it is for my son.
For starters, we ended on a very sour note and still really have a bad taste in our mouths towards each other. I just have a hard time giving a key to someone I diSlike (regardless of how it will help my son) I am human first.
Secondly, I have no Idea if he would go through my thing's or not, and third I'm worried that it will cause conflict in my current relationship.
I feel like it's his fault, He used to live "really close" to be "close to his son (his words)", then he turns around and moves as far away as possible (and not because of anything I did, but becuase he liked the place), knowing he had to pick him up and deal with him on a regular basis; Now, becAUse "HE" decided to move far away "knowing this", I am being pressured by him for keys to my home? He should have thought out the driving senerio before he moved.
I could go on and on, I understand your points though but theirs a lot to the story. Just touched the surface cause I didn't want to get too deep out here. People tend to be overly judgementle... | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 11:24:10 PM | | I'm not sure if we are given all the information here. It sounds like he's going through a lot of effort for your son. Why can't your son stay with him for say 3 days a week, if you feel uncomfortable giving him the key? His commuting time could be cut in half, if you'd drive too. But then again, we don't know your professional constraints. How long do you drive to work and your son's school from your home? | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 11:30:19 PM | Well, he's making an effort because hes supposed to; it's his son. I usually only drive on the weekends because it cost's close to $200 a month to park near my job. So I commute by train.
Bottom line, we both make sacrifices. If I had a child and a job in a specific part of town, I would try to find an apartment close to that. I wouldn't move an hour away, and then complain about the trip to work and to get my child. I warned him that this was going to be a problem when he told me where he was thinking about moving to. He still decided to move there (because he liked how it looked) and now, all this is still my problem? Wow. | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 11:32:49 PM | OP: It does make more sense now. Thanks!
I can understand under those circumstances why you would be hesitant to allow him into your home at all, much less give him a key. I guess your previous posts gave the impression that you guys were on friendlier terms.
I guess the question is really how much of your pride are you willing to sacrifice for your son's convenience...don't worry about the ex's convenience, since he inconvenienced himself. If the long rides don't bother your son, and the later hour is not affecting his sleep schedule, then it's not a big concern. | |
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e-wok
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Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 20 | |
| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/5/2007 11:46:36 PM | You seem to need my attention with all the nit-picking and everything.
Not really.
He moved away, I'm assuming, to live with his girlfriend. It's not like he
did so to make things difficult...the dudes just doing what he has to do.
At any rate, who'd want to live in the same neighbourhood as an
ex-gf? Running into each other at the same theatre or mall...eek! No thanks.
Bottom line....there's no point in trying to find blame but to work with
the reality of the situation as it is...try to be accommodating for your
son if nobody else. Your son seems to spend like 3 hours on the
road at each visit....3 hours that can be used to study and relax.
WOW!
I guess the question is really how much of your pride are you willing to sacrifice for your son's convenience
I think we all have the same impression.
BTW: Your overuse of quotation marks suggest you trust nothing or nobody...but thats
"jmo." & "no offence intended" LOL | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/6/2007 12:40:54 AM | I find it odd that you trust him with your son, but not with a key to your place.
Your focus here should be what is best for your son, but I can understand how having an ex in your personal space might make you a bit uncomfortable.
If you are a bit wiggly about having him have access to your space ... do what one of the posters suggested about putting another lock on the door so that you can still control when he comes and goes.
Then take it further by putting a lock on your bedroom door, to keep him out of your underwear drawer ... and whatever other doors you need to, so that you have a place to keep your private stuff private.
Where is the guy you're in the relationship with now in all this? Is it appropriate for him to be at your place when the boy is dropped off?
The only ego boost I can see in it is in the knowledge that the woman I chose to be the mother of my son had my son's best interests at heart, even if it stretched her comfort zone a bit. | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/6/2007 12:48:28 AM | | I sense a lot of anger and resentment towards your ex, and understand your initial question a bit better now. The situation smells like you are blaming your ex for impregnating you - please correct me if I'm wrong. But in all honesty, you should only think of your son and all will be good. He needs a mom *and* a dad and he's lucky enough to still have both, don't forget that. All else is meaningless. | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/6/2007 2:22:34 AM | welll a ego boost? no but i understand where your coming from about why you ask it... You possibly think (correct me if i'm wrong) that he might still like you quite a bit, so you giving him a key to your place might mean (in his mind) that you want something from him other than dropping your son off etc.
I will admit, the "giving the key to a neighbour" is a great idea. Thats the most solid idea that secures saftey and the risk of the dad of ever getting a extra key cut to your place without your knowledge.
But all in all... I'd just say do it, then if you dont feel comfortable with it or notice something very wrong, get the key back off him and only give it to him on the day that he's got your son then take it back off him before he leaves to go home. But as i said, there's always the possability that he could always get a extra key cut without your knowledge. So consider that idea too. Try your best to keep it out of his hands but still comply with his requests in a peaceful manner.
I only say that due to knowing the feeling of having to do so much travel. I do the same journey when i have my daughter and the gas/petrol in my car starts to total up after a while so he's just trying to save on money as well as time with his son as some people have meantioned that the extra time could be spent studying, playing games with his dad etc. It's not fair on a child to keep having to put them in a car for such a long time because your restricted to a very limited small amount of what you can do with them.
I'd also suggest that you could also suggest helping him with the travel expenses. If your not willing to give him a extra key or which ever then perhaps you should consider saying to him... "right so if u pick him up from school and keep him at your place, i'll pick him up after work" | |
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| Guys, would this boost your ego?
Posted: 3/6/2007 3:14:27 AM | Would it be an ego boost? No, not in the least.
What bothers me though is I haven't heard much mention of your son. Is the current situation causing your son problems? Is he complaining about the traveling, not getting homework done, getting cranky or having attitude problems?
If you have a 'friendly' enough relationship to think about giving your ex a key then the real question to me is how your son is handling this, not your ex.
If your son is okay then your ex created his commuting problem and he can deal with it.
If your son is having issues and you believe a key would solve the problem, then solve the problem. There have already been numerous suggestions about that one and there are literally hundreds of security options you could use, so I won't go there.
I worked it out for my kids sake, I'm sure you can too if your son is really the issue.
Best of luck!
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