YLAM
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Joined: 12/20/2006
Msg: 1 | |
| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/6/2007 9:06:18 PM | okay i'll do my best to make this short.
my friend Ann has been daiting Craig for almost 4 years and they have a 6 month old son together and she has a little girl who is going on 5.
i've known Ann for 10 years.
okay so my friend Ann has a boyfriend named Craig and ever since she started dating him i've had a bad feeling about him, you ladies know the feeling that things just aint right?
anyways he's a pill popper amoung other things and when he drinks (which is often) he gets violent. i've had to pull him off of her on several occasions.
so to try and shorten things up for you the 4 year old has been saying some disturbing things lately stuff that leads me to believe that Craig is a kid diddler. now i've spoken to Ann about this and she tells me to mind my own business. so i spoke to her mom and the 4 year olds daddy and nothing has happened and the 4 year old keeps saying weird things about how "daddy" Craig touches her cooter (girl parts) with his fireman (boy parts).
i got freaked out and called childrens aid on Craig.
now Ann and Craig are both pissed off at me and my thoughts are that if you have nothing to hide you shouldn't be worried, right?
as a conscerned (sp.) friend what more can i do? did i do the right thing? they have been investigated before like 2 years ago on unrelated accusations and those were proven to be true.
did i overstep my bounds? i tried talking to her and her family first. | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/6/2007 9:13:41 PM | I would have done the same... you tried to keep it within the family and no one listened
Your friend should know you had her childrens best interests at heart... and like you said if theres nothing going on then that will be proven...
Good for you for stepping up to the plate... most people choose to look away and ignore | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/6/2007 9:18:55 PM | YLAM......you did the right thing by calling regardless of whether your friends are pissed off with you
the welfare of the child always comes first and an investigation will be the best thing if the mother is not willing to listen
always air on the side of caution.....it's better than sitting on the sidelines and it turns out that this child is being molested and no one did anything about it
good luck | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/6/2007 10:03:49 PM | I would call too.
Kudos to you for not turning a blind eye, as many others do. Many are afraid to get involved, but you did the right thing. You should be proud of yourself. You may well have saved that child from some personal hell, and if there is nothing going on there, you may have brought to light his anger issues, which they may notice and insist he attend anger management if he is going to be around the kid. | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/6/2007 10:49:06 PM | Well you made the call based on the safety of a child.......it is your duty.
Should you of consulted with the parents? Might of been best to remain annonymous...then you could of kept observing the child...if you know what I mean......
Wishing you the very best..... sadly.....chances are you might never be able to talk to the child again....
0:) | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 2:04:07 AM | | Don't worry you didn't overstep your bounds if anything you saved that child from a life of hell so be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. I would of done the same thing. | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:36:42 AM |
my thoughts are that if you have nothing to hide you shouldn't be worried
This part of your post I have to disagree with.... do you have any idea of the hornet's nest you've stirred up for your friend?...
I knew a person who was accused of similar.... tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees later he was acquited... never mind that it tore the family apart....
How would you feel later down the road if the child were to confess that she made the story up?... and in the meanwhile he had been charged and thrown in jail, spent thousands on lawyers and irrepairable harm was done to his relationship with your friend and their daughter? Are you certain that your actions weren't motivated by your dislike of this guy?
I sure hope you're right about this... because if you're not you've just created a nightmare for your friend that she'll never forgive you for | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:45:33 AM | ^^^^ although that may be true, i think that child's welfare is more important here. If a chil says things like this, it should be the mother who is acting on it and if that isn't done-someone else certainly should.
No child should ever have to deal with anything like that and I for one am glad you did call. As an adult, the parents have the ability to deal with the consequences, however as a child, the little girl needs someone to stand up for her.
I would expect that regardless of what the truth is, you should expect to lose this friendship. If they are innocent, they will blame you for the trouble this caused. If he isn't innocent, they will still resent you for putting him where he belongs.
Stand behind what you did and live with losing the friend. I personally would rather live with that knowing that I may have saved a child from something far worse. | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:50:38 AM | | Children always come first!!! If your friend is so blinded by her infatuation with this man to see the horrors in her own home - then it is up to another clear headed responsible adult to make sure things are investigated!?!? Indeed if there is nothing going on in thier home - the situation will blow over and all can go back to the way it was. If you loose her as a friend then so be it - at least you have taken the concerns of a child and tried to protect them. | |
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Mayor
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Joined: 1/2/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 3:58:44 AM | | i have no problem protecting kids, from this or any other kind of abuse, but i agree with rascal in this, before you go and destroy the life’s of so many people just to make yourself feel good, you had better be right, oh right there are no consequences for being wrong are there and i doubt the well CAS and the cops don't like it to blow over, its not their job | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 4:06:21 AM | Yes, we all should be concerned about the child's welfare....
And exactly what benefit does the child get from having her parents investigated by CAS and the police if the allegations are unfounded?.... what benefit does the child get from her parents being bankrupted by legal fees?.... what benefit does the child get from the stress her parents will go through?
The OP is only right in her actions if the abuse is occuring... lots of 4 year old kids say "weird things" without even understanding what they're saying.... I'd need a whole lot more evidence than that to set in motion the events that are going to occur now that she's reported....
Next time, maybe give it some more thought as to the consequences to everyone involved before getting "freaked out" and calling children's aid... | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 4:28:27 AM | There are certain key things a child will say that are not just weird, they are alarming - OP said they were 'disturbing' - any intelligent adult will know the difference between a child saying things for shock purposes, or because they are in actuality happening to them. It would also depend on the context of the comments made & small children (4yrs in this case) simply don't have the ability to create 'disturbing' sexual senarios. Unless the alligations are found to be true there are no financial detriments to the family and the child is not going to be tramatized by a few questions asked - the child will be protected from further upset by those investigating!
Consequences - a child may be saved from a life of abuse and an abuser may get locked up - or there is a little upset for a few days then it all dies down 'cause nothing is wrong - one way or another the child will be protected!! | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 5:04:45 AM | YOU DID THE RIGHT THING
its actually law that if you suspect something happening to a child that you report it
you did the right thing and possibly saved this child from even more abuse ..
Way to go on being a good citizen ! | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 5:18:53 AM | you did the absolute right thing ... children that young do not make this stuff up. In the 18.5 my job, I have only twice heard of false allegations being made. These were both by teenagers one against their father because they didn't like the rules at home and wanted to get back at the parent; the other against a stepfather because she didn't like 'losing' her mom to another man. Both were highly publicized cases. In one the mom even testified against her daughter. Yes, these allegations did prove detrimental to the men involved. Any parent who turns their back on their child and tries to hush it up doesn't deserve to be a parent. If it can be proven that she knew this was occurring and refused to report it she may also face charges. The police and children's aid will correctly question the child with non-leading questions and dolls for her to demonstrate so they can have a clear picture of what occurred and determine whether they can move forward with charges.
You may lose your friend over this but you will have saved a child a life of anguish. I applaud you. | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 5:20:52 AM |
there is a little upset for a few days then it all dies
Sometimes CAS and the police are like a dog with a bone, and it may not die down and go away for quite some time...should never generalize. I certainly wouldn't want to deal with them again! Why, matters not! Suffice it to say that the police and CAS did not want to let it go! Fortunately I had the choice to walk away from them! | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 5:57:32 AM | BEBBG HERE:
I usually don't like posting a reply to these kinds of posts but this one hits home for me. I have to say that children of this age usually don't lie about something like this...I think you did the right thing, you went to the mom, she didn't listen, you went to the father, he didn't listen AND you went to the family, again nobody listened. I would have done the same thing...why?
Because when my nephew was that age, he was molested by his Day Care Worker!!! I have an ECE background myself, and for reasons such as that, my children will never see a Day Care Center...
Anyway, Still was right, you will loose this friendship, but like she said, if it were me, I'd rather live with that then regretting not calling and this behaviour continuing and doing more damage to this child. | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 6:17:03 AM | Call the Police, and they in turn will get CFS involved...
The first time you had to pull him off of her in a violent situation should have been call to the police as well...
The Child and Family Services Act requires any adult who has reasonable grounds to believe a child is in danger to call the Police or CFS... | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 6:30:52 AM | Rascal, no disrespect intended but what else should they have done, in your opinion.
they laid their friendship on the line and confronted the mother
they laid their friendship with others from the family on the line and confronted them
I think there has been enough stress and time invested in fretting over this, the right thing was done.
Children come first, always. If the OP is wrong and someone has to pay a few lawyers fees, big frigging deal.....the OP will have to live with that for the rest of their life too.
because if their instincts are right......well it is all worthwhile then isn't it?
someone has to stand up for the child, no one in that family is.
the most important point is....the OP has to look themselves in the mirror every day, so if this is what they feel is right, then it is right for them. They are the ones who have to live with the consequences of their actions-either way it goes. 
OP....thank you for caring, you may have saved a victim. | |
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YLAM
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Joined: 12/20/2006
Msg: 19 | |
| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 6:56:46 AM | fror starters i gave Ann time to think things over BEFORE i talked to the 4 year olds dad and Anns family i didn't just rush and call childrens aid it was about 2 weeks before i called them in.
Anns family told me that they had heard the 4 year old talking like that too and they just told me that it was normal 4 year old stuff, heck even Ann told me that.
My cousin had her life ruined by a guy that diddled her when she was around that age and i don't want to see the 4 year old go through what my cousin is dealing with now as a result of what a bad guy did to her.
i don't regret what i did, i think i should have done something sooner but i wanted to give Ann a chance to fix things.
thanks fellow fishies it's good to know that someone thinks i did the right thing. | |
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Mayor
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Joined: 1/2/2006
Msg: 20 | |
| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:21:15 AM | did i overstep my bounds?
i don't regret what i did, i think i should have done something sooner but i wanted to give Ann a chance to fix things.
thanks fellow fishies it's good to know that someone thinks i did the right thing.
with all do respect to the OP which of those statements is true? I’m curious in your opening post you ask the question did i overstep my bounds? Now imo this implies you had doubts about your actions , then you add you have no regrets about what you ? if you have no regrets why the need to get confirmation from anyone else, you made a choice if you where 100% sure was right and acted on it, do you really feel the need to have others here tell you , you did a good thing. And if in fact you had doubts, why did you take such actions? | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:31:10 AM | No need to have doubts, A four year old should have no idea about any of that stuff. So even if their is no sexual abuse going on, there is definately neglect. Cause the child must of seen that stuff or heard that stuff somewhere, meaning the parents are exposing their children to either sexuality in conversation, or sexuality on t.v. Which is wrong.
My son is ten and just starting to figure out where a baby comes out. Never mind about firemen and cootoos. lol... | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:44:56 AM | Four-year-olds sometimes do say things that aren't true -- some kids do go through a stage where they have an "imaginary friend", things like that -- but it is definitely *nor* normal for kids to make up sexual allegations, because unless they're exposed to sexual stuff they lack knowledge about it.
Your friend Ann and her family are ignoring the accusations out of denial and fear, and not thinking of the child's welfare. Kudos to you for taking action, because it was absolutely the right thing to do. | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 7:59:28 AM | I believe kids should always know the PROPER names to their body parts. Not calling them a fireman and a cooter!!!!!!
OT sure i guess you did the right thing. | |
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| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 8:11:54 AM | i think it's safe to say that all of the women who posted felt that the OP did the right thing
however.....i noticed that some of the men seem to have a problem with that......why is that?
how could one possibly know one hundred percent that the child was telling the truth but the proper steps needed to be taken to find out the truth
i don't want to speak for the OP.....but i got the impression she was looking for validation as to what she did. even the toughest social worker would have had the same hesitation about making the call but at least they would have had colleagues to discuss the situation with
when a mother is not willing to listen to the possibilities that her child is being sexually molested......that child is better off not having that mother in their life. not being protected by the one that is suppose to love you is the worst betrayal any child can face
i cannot believe that some of you are asking that the OP give the boyfriend the benefit of the doubt.....i shudder when i think of that | |
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Mayor
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Joined: 1/2/2006
Msg: 25 | |
| calling childrens welfare
Posted: 3/7/2007 8:19:28 AM | even the toughest social worker would have had the same hesitation about making the call
possible, but if i am correct they are train to make such calls, and if it is that difficult to make such decisions, then it only goes to enforce why great care and certainty be used before had not after the fact. further while seeking validation from trained co-workers maybe one thing, posting on an open forum of a dating site does make me wonder why , hence my question | |
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