| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 4:39:28 PM | Is it normal in a relationship that's been going on for about 4 months, to start to feel scarily dependent on the other partner? We still keep up our other separate activities but cant help wanting to see each other all the time. To me, the rest of my life is starting to feel like a distraction from the main part - seeing the guy.
Is this normal, or a bit unhealthy?
I only realised how bad it was getting/dependant I'm getting when he went away for a week and lost his phone on the ski slopes. It felt like a death almost, although I tried to act normal to the outside world.
Should we back off a bit or keep it going -seeing each other about 3 times a week and talking every day? By the way I've never been this bad/dependant in relationships before. | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 4:44:28 PM | It happens from time to time. There are other outlets to look into tough for your mental well being.
My favorite saying on true love:
"If love is true, then you feel fulfilled even in your partner's absence."
Otherwise it may be a symptom of obsession. | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 4:55:04 PM | Is it really dependent? Or just that you miss him when you don't see him and think about him pretty much all the time? I think there's a difference between being in love and being dependent. Being in love you're able to be apart but can't wait to see each other again, being dependent when on a scary level is pretty much being unable to function without the other person around.
When I was in love I he was on my mind all the time, I couldn't wait to see him next or talk to him whenever that would be and yeah it would feel like a part of my life was missing a bit when we'd have periods of time when we couldn't communicate. But, if you're both on the same wavelength then you'll know he misses you just as much in those scenarios. When you're in love... that 'can't wait to see you' feeling can last years (and should!). For me, with the exception of some rough patches, that feeling remained throughout an almost 3 year relationship.
Just be wary if the feelings aren't reciprocated... if they aren't then it can end up being a very unhealthy situation for you. It's only 4 months along... so there's still a bit of the honeymoon phase going on too. I think it's relatively normal as long as it doesn't become your obsession. | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 4:55:33 PM | | Wow, I would have never guessed you were in a relationship...seeing as your profile says your single and looking to date...yep, looks real attached to me. | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 5:00:53 PM | | thats a minor detail, i cant access my profile anymore so i cant change it. Im never on here 'cept for forums. | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 5:05:08 PM | Initial infatuation can be addictive. As the relationship matures, the intensity may wane a little (which is probably a good thing). Good Luck and Best Wishes.
Listen well to Blast \/ \/ \/ -- She's pretty smart on this kind of stuff. | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 5:09:58 PM | It depends who you speak with and their attitudes around "dependency".
What you are describing doesn't sound like what I would label as dependency. It sounds more like love or grieving the absence of your beloved. I don't see how this isn't normal. I mean it means you have very strong feelings for that person.
You know, there is such a fine and ill-defined line around what is dependency and what is a strong identification with our mates/partners.
Lost his phone on the ski slopes? Did he manage to call you? Otherwise I'd be just a tad suspicious about that. I mean people who are in love with one another generally will find a way to contact each other to see how the other is doing because they are so important a part of their life. There are telephones all over the world. It's not like he couldn't make a quick call to say hi and to tell you he loves you.
Why are you calling yourself bad? Ok. Let's say you ARE feeling dependent. That would entail what exactly? Describe what actions you are performing that make you dependent. I mean is it just a case of missing him horribly or is it a matter of you just laying in bed and not showing up for work because of it. I think there is a varying degree of what is healthy and what is not.
My goodness, aren't we so quick to judge ourselves mercilessly when it comes to relationships. It seems we have all these threads on "should I feel this way"? and "is this feeling wrong"?
There is no such thing as wrong feelings. They are just feelings. It is only when our actions come into play that we really realize where we might be compromising ourselves or the other person.
You say you've been together 4 months. You have a long way to go yet before you experience the contented love part. The infatuation stage can take a good while to pass.
Give yourself some time. Keep track of what you are feeling, but stop judging yourself. When and if there is a decision to be made, you'll know how to make it. In the meantime, listen to what your feelings are saying and try to honor yourself in them. Be gentle with yourself. It's OK to feel! Even if it feels "dependent"...you can learn a lot from it. | |
|
| |
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 5:24:15 PM | Thanks blastkissed and depechegurl,
I'm just not used to having someone pop into my head so often when I'm at work etc.
I suppose I am not completely dependent, I still do my own stuff, but I wasnt prepared to miss him this much, or think about him constantly. I feel distracted+daydream in work more than I'd like.
It didn't even start out this way, at first we were friends, but I think he's grown on me so much in just a few months that it is quite scary, that's why Im afraid I might become dependent. I've always kept previous relationships at more of a distance.
He has sent me some text messages from his friends phone to say he misses me, but we cant communicate properly thru his friend. I do trust him though. | |
|
M2k7
|
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 10 | |
| |
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 5:40:55 PM | Committing to and being involved in a relationships involves many things.
Call it what you care to, I don't think it's a matter of semantics. The happy couples I know and know many and am/are one... I truly don't think or feel it's a matter of dependence or independence, rather interdependence. It's difficult for many to understand, rarere to experience. I'll use one of my favorite words, synergy. It's an awesome word and concept, used in business, which is my profession. Not often seen in business, I'd say less often seen in romantic relationships.
I won't bore you with definitions, you can google it. But the concept of syngergy is much more than two halves making a whole, rather two equaling two. That almost mystical combination of two individuals, two personalities of being one, a couple, yet still being two. Adding to and combining, no minuses. Forget the math, it doesn't relate.
It's like a merger, two people, two lives, coming together, adding enriching the other to both having something special together they couldn't have themselves.
Depending on someone else, making plans for a future together and merging two lives, is only scary if you're not with someone who you are secure in doing that with.
It's about coming from a position of strength, rather than of need. I want to be with him, I want to share my life with him. It's my choice and his.
We have synergy, to such an amazing extent in every way possible. | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 6:05:59 PM | For me, the biggest thing is that *you* noticed it enough to be worried about it. Our selves always speak to us. If you say that you feel your whole other life is a distraction to anything not about him, then you can begin to make a point of making sure that you have other activities that you do with other people as balance.
It's still earlyish in things but usually after 3 mnths. or so all of the limerance or "emotional infatuation" usually starts to balance out more in the opposite way. It's usually stronger prior, but there are no hard fast rules. There can be exceptions.
Feeling *so* distraught (like a death almost) over the week he was away on vacation might also just gently be telling you that it might be good to add some balance to the whole thing. Time with others, focusing on other things that you like.
Just some very minor adjustments maybe so that you are not placing all of your "life eggs" in one basket & so that you don't feel uncomfortably attached yourself, but more "lovingly joined" if that makes sense.
Good luck to you both in your new relationship :) | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 6:41:15 PM |
It didn't even start out this way, at first we were friends, but I think he's grown on me so much in just a few months that it is quite scary, that's why Im afraid I might become dependent. I've always kept previous relationships at more of a distance. Depends what you want; do you want distant relationships or close ones?
My Love is held in my heart constantly. He's become the centre of my life: nothing else and no-one else is as important. I don't want to hold back in order to feel safe, don't need to: I've got a safe place, the best safe place, inside his heart.
Being close to someone isn't something to fear unless you fear it is the wrong someone. Even if it is, you do know, don't you, that you'd survive. Love is worth risking all of your heart for. To limit how much you will Love is like trying to breathe through a straw - you will starve yourself of the essence of life. | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 6:54:48 PM | OP I wouldn't actually describe you as dependent that would mean Needing to be with him. Not the same imho as looking forward to..or a bit of pining IMHO..
alot of people go thru a period in the beginning of wanting to be together alot..
Gasp...perhaps you are falling in love?.. But it also sounds like that scares you..
Set aside Some time to keep the rest of your life going...but slot of time together in the begiining is perfectly natural | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:10:19 PM | Pandora...
You sound like you have a pretty level head. True love does throw us for a loop. Suddenly we have all these thoughts and emotions that we didn't know could exist... but yay for you! You have been privvy to what it truly feels like to be in love. I don't think everyone gets to experience that and it's a shame.
It's normal to feel scared, but try and embrace it rather than push it away. I know it can be a bit unnerving, but seriously? I can't WAIT for that to happen again. You'll eventually get to a stage where your feelings and thoughts are a little more balanced out... but for now, just know that you're being exposed to something new... you're learning about you, your ability to love and be loved, and whatever the outcome there's always a life lesson in there. This is your time to realize how your past actions of keeping previous relationships at a distance might have said a lot about you and your ability to commit with all you have. This one is your chance to realize that you don't have to keep the distance and that it's OK to allow yourself to feel these things. You're learning more about what you want and deserve.
I wish you all the best! | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 7:15:37 PM | | Yep.Sounds to me like your falling in love.Enjoy it!Doesn't come around that often.It's a very empowering feeling and confusing at the same time.Miss that. | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 9:43:47 PM | What do you do when your heart goes before you? When you fall deeply madly and passionately in Love? Some times we have no idea what has hit us yet all we want to do is express that Love. What happens when you have completely given up and never dreamed that we would find anyone who we resonate deeply with and you find someone who is just that person? Every fear that you ever had comes up, or at least that is what happened to me. What do you do about it? Love, Our lives are a speck on this little planet and our time is short. Fear? at first yes.
Both me and my special someone had become completely allergic to be with anyone. Not because we couldn't love but because being with others meant we couldn't be ourselves. A part of ourselves that is who we truly are had never been accepted by anyone ever before. So I can definitely identify with what you are saying. We felt safe loving each other 4000 miles apart. But as time went along we began to realize that we understood each other on such a deep level we had to meet. We didn't intend to Love each other but the more we knew about each other we simply had no choice because both of us seen each other for the amazing people we were, or at least to each other. Some thing greater then us was emerging as a result of how we were loving each other. Now 4000 miles is unbearable for the both of us.
Having someone so special that they become the very breath you breathe doesn't happen every day. I'm 40 years old and have never met anyone like her. And its not like i haven't met a lot of people. If you allow things to grow naturally without pushing or pulling the relationship in any way and anything that comes up feel the fear and do it anyways. We have and are living the greatest adventure of our life. We don't know the outcome but it doesn't matter Our Love is more then the attachment to that which can be. Each step with each other in our hearts is pure joy. And even when things come up there is a harmony in knowing our Love for each other and wanting only the best for each other. Our love will not be limited by fear or anything else for that matter, and hope that you see that its not about loosing yourself but about allowing who you are to shine.
crazylilting | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 11:16:16 PM | Is it normal in a relationship that's been going on for about 4 months, to start to feel scarily dependent on the other partner?
Yes, sure is. Being normal sucks so try not to worry about whether something is normal or not. Try asking whether it's beneficial instead. | |
|
| |
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/8/2007 11:46:04 PM |
I only realised how bad it was getting/dependant I'm getting when he went away for a week and lost his phone on the ski slopes. It felt like a death almost, although I tried to act normal to the outside world
If he suddenly finds his phone once the vacation is through... I'd be concerned, for sure.
however, if everything is on the "up and up", you appear to be in love.
Sucks to be you! (sarcasm) | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/9/2007 3:59:51 AM | | Darling, you are in love. Enjoy it because it WILL wear off. Two years from now when he loses his cell on a business trip you will chew him out for it and suspect he is seeing another woman ! Fleeting love. | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:02:56 AM | As others have stated, you are not describing dependence but falling in love and it is scary because you can't control when the man pops into your head. While you are perfectly capable of living your life as you always have, you would rather spend your time with him so it is freaking you out.
As others have indicated, try to enjoy this, it will subside with time and hopefully if you are attentive to all areas of the relationship you will remain happy when things are more normal. | |
|
ya472
|
Joined: 4/29/2006
Msg: 23 | |
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:40:10 AM | but I think he's grown on me so much in just a few months
that it is quite scary,
that's why Im afraid I might become dependent.
Labels, labels and more labels....
Shoulda this, shoulda that, whatever.
Enjoy today.
I do wonder what triggered your 'fear of dependance' ?
Aren't there any 'normal people' in this world ?
 | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/9/2007 6:46:26 AM | Is holding on to their leg while they are trying to leave for work and sobbing like a 3 year old too much
I have only done it 3 times
this month | |
|
| Relationship = scary dependence??
Posted: 3/9/2007 7:23:50 AM | Is it normal in a relationship that's been going on for about 4 months, to start to feel scarily dependent on the other partner?
A woman I recently dated went through something similar (<--I use that word loosely.)
Is this normal, or a bit unhealthy?
Yes it's normal and it can be unhealthy. It's unhealthy because you're letting fear make your decisions. The good thing is that you realize that there is a problem and you know what the problem is. Keep in mind that this is a normal problem and "problem" might be the wrong word for it....welcome to being in love.
First off, you're in a relationship, so talk to your partner about it. Communication is VERY VERY important. Find out what your partner thinks about it. Hopefully this person wants you to be happy and has supported you in following your goals. Only you know the answer to that.
I think a large part of this has to do with confidence in one's self. You're either worried that you're giving everything up for someone else or you're not giving everything to the relationship. Most of this is in your head, but it is a good time to sit down and talk things out and figure out where the relationship is going...as in, do you two want to try and make things work out with respect to your individual goals...or just talking and sharing your goals in the first place.
Can you have both a life and a relationship? Yep...but you've got to chill out for a second and slow down. The woman I dated was trying to start her career and thought marriage was something I was planning for us along with sweeping her away to across the country...was that a possibility...sure...but not unless we both agreed on it. Plans are always flexible and their only plans/ideas.
Put it into perspective...you're restling with choices and options. Not everyone is in that position...instead they are struggling to make the only option they have work.
I'll tell you this much. It is important for you to go after what you want otherwise if you give up on it, you'll just kick yourself later. The anxiety of your relationship is almost like saying, "I'm not smart enough", or "I didn't study hard enough", but instead you're saying I can't do this because I'm too committed to a person. That's not fair to you or your Sig Other. Most of all...it's not true.
Should we back off a bit or keep it going -seeing each other about 3 times a week and talking every day? By the way I've never been this bad/dependant in relationships before.
Ultimately that's up to you to decide, but again, I can't stress the importance of communicating. Be positive about yourself and don't dwell on what's "holding you back". You are holding you back, and it's just silly because you can do it
If you love this person, show them that you can be your own person. That's important. Your feelings for him will be that much more genuine because he is going to realize that he doesn't "have" you because you need him, but because you can choose to be with him.
Make sense?
If none of that is clear...then just try enjoying the fact that you have goals, a bright future, and someone who cares about you and wants you to be happy. | |
|
Home
login 
