| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 8:56:31 AM | This forum has two major themes it seems:
1) Whoever I date has to accept that my children are my number 1 priority
2) No one will date me because I have children
See the connection?
My parents divorced when I was 12 and my brother was 6 and my mother made it clear to us from the get-go that although she would never love anyone on earth more than she loved us - it was her life too and she had a right to romantic love and happiness.
She made it clear to us that we were required to cooperate with her desire to date - meaning no whining if we had to stay with a sitter on a Saturday night or if we had to take a backseat to something she wanted to do with someone else (not all the time of course, but regularly), etc... and when she did finally meet a man she wanted to share her life with, he was brought into our lives as an equal member of our family, not a 2nd priority.
Now my mother retained her role as our primary parent and disciplinarian, etc... my step-father deferred to her choices regarding how we would be raised, but he was still the co-head of our household and my mother wouldn't tolerate any disrespect being directed his way.
I think my mother did a great job of balancing being a good mother and a good partner. I think some single parents do a great job of the parenting, but a lousy job of the partnering because they don't know how to (or don't want to) make their new partner an equal priority to their children.
I think that's the reason many single people avoid single parents - they get tired of always taking a backseat to the children.
I think some single parents need to realize that saying no to their children and setting boundaries for them is not only acceptable, it actually results in children who are more grounded. It was good for me to grow up knowing that while I was a priority, I wasn't the ONLY priority and I learned to consider the needs of others not just my own. Also, I was blessed to see my mother as a human being with feelings and hopes and dreams and not just as the cook, cleaner and carpool lady.
How good a partner are you willing to be? | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:30:15 AM | myopinion:
Okay I've had a minor hiatus from the board due to circumstances... And also do to there being no real thread that I could sink my teeth into, until I just stumbled across this one. I have to say I disagree with you in allot of ways.
One of the things we have to take into account in being a Single Parent is the effect of our lives on our kids.. I know it may seem unfair. But the moment you willingly became a parent. You decided that your desires and wishes will always take a back seat to your children's needs.
When you became separated from the person who is the other parent... Unless you are a widower... There was a reason.. And I'm willing to bet that your children were not consulted in that decision. And yes I know people are going to post the ex was abusive.. blah blah... It's besides the point of what I'm suggesting. Your kids were simply not involved in the choice to leave.
So when you decide that your kids are not entitled to decide their own future within their own home... You have decided your kids are then 2nd class to you. I know for me.. I welcome the idea of a new partner in my life.. However I also play close attention to how my son reacts with that person... If I feel they aren't going to jive, I simply end it. My choice to be a parent is more important then my desire to have a partner.
And overall if that means I have to spend the next 10-15 years until my Son moves out and starts his own life, that I must remain single... So be it.. I would do it without any regrets at all..
Setting boundaries for the kids is fine... In terms of rules of the house. And yes you should have your own life away from your kids as well.. We all need a chance to recharge now and then. But your new partner should never come in between you and your kids.. And this includes NCP's... Just because you are involved with someone new... Your kids should not suffer from a decrease in your time because of it. | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:52:14 AM | Perhaps the OP should have also included couples in general because more and more psychologists are dispelling this notion that the children come first to the exclusion of everything else. One of the reasons that so many marriages break up is that too few people take the time to nurture the couple, the marriage, the foundation of the home.
I was raised that children come first but I do not believe that I was led to believe that I was a priority beyond my parents. The OP was suggesting that there is balance. That children know they are a priority but not the only one and that they learn something from watching their parents interact whether this is within a nuclear or a blended family.
It is interesting when one thinks about it. My parents went places on a Friday or Saturday night. We stayed with a sitter and it would never have occurred to us to question my parents or make them somehow believe they were short-changing us by going out instead of staying home. Essentially we must be giving our children this notion that by having a life of our own we are somehow taking away from theirs.
Remaining single until the children leave the nest does them a disservice because it creates a false world that is often a rude awakening when the children are actually out in it and they also miss opportunities to learn how to interact with others and have healthy relationships. | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:52:31 AM | I never said that children should be forced to live with someone they don't like. If there is a strong ongoing animosity there, the relationship between the adults should and will end.
However, children should realize that the world doesn't revolve around them - think about it - if your marriage hadn't ended, wouldn't you and your spouse have directed the children's lives?
Of course you would have - the children would have lived where you both decided, attended the schools you chose, wear the clothes you bought, eat the food you prepare - so if you re-marry - guess what? The adults are still in charge. Not the children.
Your plan to spend the next 10-15 years alone is stupid and unnecessary.
And frankly, you're depriving your child of the opportunity to participate in a family unit with all of the compromise, sacrifice and sharing that entails. How will your child know how to have an adult relationship if they don't see you doing it? | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:52:45 AM | BEAM ME UP..........
I couldn't have said it better Spiderham77.... A child is a 18 year contract....Why oh why is that so so hard ??? for society???
I understand balance and a life, but I could never ever imagine my child having to play seconds to anyone,,My child has my blood,my DNA..... Crips couple decades from now she might be changing my diapers, and giving me a bone marrow transplant.
The western world truly is tearing down the moral fiber of FAMILY...We would now throw a stranger into the mix???
Take it one step farther... I'm more flexible with my CHECK List for the next mate more so then my child's CHECK list, and I don't mean personality wise either.
Just my thoughts
Post Edit:We all posted same minute...LOL No I don't want to remain single, but come-on.... With-in blowing it all out of wack.... I never remember reading a normal devorce where the defense was ......."OH I want out....my X favors the child too much" Come-on....I think selfishnesses need to be balanced, not the BLOOD child then didn't win a lotto ticket to the doorstep or Mr & MS Smith's house..
| |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 9:55:28 AM | absolutely i agree with spider. Kids have a right to speak up if they are unhappy with your new partner.. feel like they are second class... or feel as if they are being ignored when mom/dad is sparking it up with a new partner.
Mom and dad have a right to a life.. and the right to find new love but your children were there first and EVERYTHING thier parents do reflects how they act. To have thier moms to themselves for a long time its very hard to adjust when all of a sudden moms going out.. a man comes in tells them what to do.. and is taking precious time away from mommy.
When my fiance came into the picture i was single for 3 yrs. My kids had me all to themselves. Once I started to feel comfortable that I was falling for him.. I showed my kids his picture.. asked them if they wanted to meet mommys friend. They loved the idea. WE all went out to the beach...had dinner then ice cream. It was an awesome day.. and Im glad it was done that way. It was on the kids level.
Moving in a year later we asked them first...what they thought. We felt it was only fair to include them in every decision that would reflect them. It should always be this way!!
now... there kids that get horribly jelous and paraniod and dont want to share mom and dad. You must tread lightly..dont bully them into digging the new date..thats not fair. Most times it all biols down to not wanting to share thier parent. | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 10:13:27 AM | As for the child never getting the "sight" of parent in a relationship, because parent never got envolved??????
1) Child learns a love like NO other because the bond was never compromised by an outside source. Remember EVERY child has issues with a divorce/separation.(strike 1)
2) Child learns to enter world that parents filed, has neglect and guilt issues..(yes ALL kids do....go do some reading) Now child gets let down/back seat to new mommy/daddy.
I'll pick number 1 everytime...sorry. IMHO...#1) learns love is unconditional...#2) learns life is all about SELF gratification....family comes second/time available
Just my thoughts... I have a child that doesn't know her mother, yet I have the craziest stuff I have to explain to her at 5, 4, and yes 3. Comments that reinforce MY thoughts, and the child health books I read weekly. | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 10:43:28 AM | Most single parents have encountered what you are experiencing. But there has to be a balance once a single parent is entering into a new relationship. Not everyone can make it work. Some single parents are destined to be single parents... some are destined to have life partners again.
One thing that was very hard to learn and actually put into practice was that it's o.k. to be selfish sometimes. If I don't take care of myself who will be there to take care of my child? I'm not selfish by any means... but hey I am human and I do have desires and emotions.
So I guess the question is do you allow others into your life showing your child(ren) that it is normal to have friendships of varying degrees or is it constantly you and your child's time?
You can still love your child unconditionally while dating and entering into a long term relationship. What would be healthiest for you and your child?
No one needs to be a martyr and claim perfection that "oh I'll be single til my child leaves home" cause I don't buy it. | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 11:38:43 AM | Packagedeal has it rightly - the trend is towards an enlightened (but not new, as she points out). My parents 'Friday night date' habit that I was also familiar with..until my folks relocated to a more remote setting.
When they stopped making time for themselves, and allowed the stress of raising kids in their teen years to accumulate and erode their ability to show love and affection for each other, it also spilled over negatively into the family within a few years time. The family lost its core cohesion of loving respect and tolerance and developed a nasty habit of defensive backbiting.
When I read PDs insightful comment, it rang very true.
Its not us or them. It can't be - the parent and spouse relationship each has its healthy place in our life. | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 11:42:34 AM | Your mom rocks and so do her kids!
I am a single mom of two and have been for a very LONG time.
My dd and my ds are awesome kids (will ALWAYS be my kids but actually I consider both of them to be "young adults") and have ALWAYS been okay with ME their mom dating and while so far it wasn't meant to be (LTR) they are BOTH very supportive and we have had an understanding that I have wants/needs, and as much as I love them both dearly I have friends and interests and a need/want for OTHER adult companionship or even just ALONE time.
They have never been neglected and I think our kids need to KNOW mom/dad are ppl to.
I was a kid MYSELF once, I had a LIFE, before, during and after kids.
It all depends on their age but I started fairly early in their lives having fri. nite family nite, then it might have been do something with both of them or one of them, sometimes as they got older I might be HOME alone or if they had gone to their dad's I might find myself ALONE but not LONELY. Sometimes it was girl's nite out mom and a few or one of her g/f's and the kids and the single mom's shared supper and the kids usually had a babysitter when they were younger and movies and treats while the mom's went out.
Lately sometimes I find my ds (he lives at HOME) while dd is out on her own now says to me hey mom how come you are HOME so early?...BACK SO SOON?...
lol lmao or why aren't you going out?
It is good for single parents to set boundaries and it is a positive for kids to see their parents with friends and interests and hopes and dreams. I love to read and have passed that on to both my kids. We don't have to entertain them and the time I spend with mine is not because I have to but I want to. The older they get they also have their own priorities, their friends and interests and activities that interest them.
Kids learn to also fend for themselves, learn responsiblity and gain a sense of pride and accomplishment doing something on their own for themselves or helping out.
Just wanted to say this was an excellent topic.
My ds and I are trying to decide which night would be the pizza nite at our house this week-end and mom is contemplating going out...MAYBE...if she isn't TOO TIRED...lol...lmao
It is pretty funny when your kids start telling you that you need to get out and now usually I am in bed before my ds.
 | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 11:59:09 AM | I agree with most of these posters here...
I was married and divorced 2 times already(I was only 23 the 2nd time, now I'm 31) and if I had the knowledge that I have now, I wouldn't of got involved the 2nd time.. It was a very messy relationship, I got pregant, I was still hurting over my first marriage and wanted to have a 'family' the way people wanted me too..
The kids do suffer.. Time well spent on the kids were spent on trying to make a 'family' work that wasn't.. My bad decissions to make me feel loved by a man did do damage to my kids.. I negelected how they felt or what they thought..
I am in a relationship now but was single for a long time... Matured, grown up alot, spent lots of time with the kids... I have 2 great kids... My bf were good friends for a long time that developed into something else... But my BF knows my kids comes first and sometimes it sucks but he understands it... If he did not understand he would be gone long time ago...
It is funny now cause he has developed that mentality that the kids come first..lol... He used to buy a 6 pack of beer even though he knew I need milk when we first started dating but now the beer is the last thing he gets if we have left over money... He is even more involved in the kids lifes than both bio-dads put together.... So it can be a good thing to find someone if it happens but my KIDS WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST!!!! | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 12:52:17 PM |
This forum has two major themes it seems:
1) Whoever I date has to accept that my children are my number 1 priority
2) No one will date me because I have children
I agree with Packagedeal.
When I was a child my parents went out, without us, at least twice a week. Their relationship was the envy of many couples around. Then circumstances happened, and they did not go out alone anymore. The relationship crumbled, and the 30 year marriage ended. Together time would have helped them to connect for the few years left until I (the youngest) was out of the home.
So I myself followed a similar philosophy, although I was single for the first few months of my son's life. Twice a week, for 1 or two hours, I took time for me. I hired a suitable sitter, or placed my son with my brother and I took a long walk, or went for coffee, or perused a bookstore on my own. As my son aged and could be away from me for longer, I would take 3-4 hours away, just for me, to do what I needed to do to reconnect myself as an individual person. I'd return this favour to my brother by taking his son of the same age for a similar period of time, or up to 8 hours at one go for both him and his wife to reconnect as a couple.
In this time I met someone. I still went out twice each week for 3-4 hours, but now I spent it learning about someone new, over coffee, over books at a bookstore, over a long walk, and in short, continuing to look after my mental and social health. We need that as humans. My relationship is of the committed variety now. We still take time once or twice each week just for us. We have our domestic agreements, but as I was to make sure that my son is raised the way I want him to be raised, my partner has a say. He has taken on the role of a parent, he should have some input into the rearing of the child he has taken on as his own. We have similar philosophies, but he brings the male dynamic to the home life that I just cannot give on my own.
I think some single parents need to realize that saying no to their children and setting boundaries for them is not only acceptable, it actually results in children who are more grounded. It was good for me to grow up knowing that while I was a priority, I wasn't the ONLY priority and I learned to consider the needs of others not just my own. Also, I was blessed to see my mother as a human being with feelings and hopes and dreams and not just as the cook, cleaner and carpool lady.
Learning to say no to our children is key. I am not a serial dater - so there is no issue of a different man every few months which is easily and equally detrimental as no man at all. Certain basic human requirements need to be met. Yes, a child is an 18+ year commitment, but within that commitment comes the requirement to show your child a healthy life. Your personal mental health, social health and personal wellbeing are a part of that and have a direct bearing on how your child responds to the world. Building and maintaining adult relationships are a requirement.
How good a partner are you willing to be?
My partner is my partner, so he has a say in all aspects of our family life, business life, social life and so on, just like any partnership should be. I do not expect someone to come into my life and bend to my will on every little whim simply because I have a child. It is selfish to expect a partner to take on part of the burden of my child without reaping some of the rewards for parenting, which includes seeing where his decision in a moment culminated in satisfying results. For an example in our life, I allowed my partner the decision for how we were teaching my son language. Which is good, as he is doing a much better job than I was... and he is successfully developing a new take on teaching English.
I agree that too many single parents are unwilling to give the time needed to the successful building and maintaining of a relationship. You and your kids NEED time apart. This is not making a child take a backseat to your desires, as your child still comes first. Where is it harmful to take some time away, just a few hours, for you as mom or dad to be yourself, and a partner as well as a parent? | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 1:08:29 PM | Why is it either or?
Who says that because your in a relationship that your kids have to suffer, or becuase you have kids that your relationship has to suffer? It's not that cut and dry.
Growing up, my parents always did things for themselves and took time out to go on date nights and out with friends. My mom had her painting classes and my dad played baseball. Us kids also had our own activities whether it be girl guides and boy scouts or just playing with the kids on our street. My parents were a great influence as we grew up because we were able to see them and learn from the relationship that they had with us and with each other.
I don't agree with always asking your kids for permission first. Of course, it depends on thier ages. Older kids need more input than younger kids. But what happened to you being the parent and making the decisions? If your child and your partner do not see eye to have and have issues with getting along, then it's important to address that or make the decision to end the relationship. But ultimatly it's your choice as the parent.
my KIDS WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST!!!!
Of course, nobody is saying they shouldn't... but what kind of relationship are you planning to have with a man who will always take the back seat to you and your kids? Why can't he be an equal part of your life but with different priorities? Your kids will need your time for homework, activities, story and bath time, etc... as well as your b/f needing your time for dinner outtings, intimacy and cuddling on the sofa, etc. It doesn't need to be first place and second place. | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 2:18:07 PM | I have to say this is the best thread thats been on this forum for a long time now, I applaud the OP.
I reiterate what many have said about their parents having "personal time". The only thing I will say to this is, the people who don't understand this concept will forever be a serial dater never introducing their children to their "partner" or they will never have a relationship again. If you are OK with that, you're welcome to it.
A family is a cohesive dynamic, it is not a static divisive unit. If you set up an "us & them" arrangement you will be forever be an "Us" with no "Them".
Kudos to the OP for getting it. | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 3:11:11 PM | I have been a single mom for 5 yrs and still am learning how to survive on my own...My kids come first in my life before anything else but I think when it comes to relationships the partner has to understand that the child/children do have to take priority....to a point...but it is a compromise...I am very protective over my children...their father doesnt bother with them so I have to be both....If the person who a single parent is dating can appreciate and understand the parents situation it makes things easier; on the other hand the parent has to be appreciate of the person he/she is dating...Maybe that is why I have decided that I would rather date a single dad because they do have a better appreciation of what I am dealing with.....
No offense childless men this doesnt mean that you cant be understanding just make it easier in some ways....Dated the man with no responsiblity; he couldnt grasp why he did not come first over the kids....
Have a good one...
 | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 3:57:54 PM | kudos to the ppl who can balance and maintain a healthy relationship while still being great parents while they are at it.
keeping a good balance is essential, it keeps the kids happy.. and also you new mate happy as well. Kids just dont become second fiddle when the new man/woman comes a' knockin.
I hate seeing kids suffer becasue mom is so absorbed in her new man..or completly wrapped up in thier lives. Very sad.
Yes.. thier parents deserve to love again and also to take time out to be an adult again not just MOM AND DAD. But also realize that it reflects on the kids too. Some of them may be very afraid they are getting replaced... or that for a few crazy moments they wished thier mom and dad would get back together again. They may get angry at your betrayal against thier dad perhaps.
My daughter would do this. She would tell me to dress up when daddy came to pick them up.. or to make a nice dinner that he likes and maybe daddy will love you again. The innocence they have brought me to tears. When they are young its not so difficult.. teens I cant imagine having to go through divorece with an already moddy teen on my hands.. YIKERS!! | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 4:48:27 PM | GREAT POST SPIDERHAM! I COULDN'T AGREE MORE :)
I do find it interesting that the OP has no children (according to her profile) but seems to feel that she can give out great advice to all of us single parents!
Your plan to spend the next 10-15 years alone is stupid and unnecessary.
And frankly, you're depriving your child of the opportunity to participate in a family unit with all of the compromise, sacrifice and sharing that entails.
I don't think that raising a child alone for the next 10-15 years would be stupid and unnecessary, if you can't find someone who is appropriate to share your and your child's life with then I think it's actually responsible!
Stating that a child living with and being raised by a single parent is depriving them of participating in a family unit is pretty insulting. You don't believe that there is more to a family than just the parent and child? what about aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc...????
Very judgemental of you.  | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/9/2007 5:05:10 PM |
I do find it interesting that the OP has no children (according to her profile) but seems to feel that she can give out great advice to all of us single parents!
I don't know the OP's motive for writing what she did, but perhaps she has been in several relationships with single parents who have shown this "take a back seat" attitude. I can only imagine that it can be frustrating after awhile.
I would hope that there aren't alot of people who would think a parent will drop everything, including the kids, to be with them.. but I would think that childless people dating those with kids would think that they had some sort of priority in the persons life. | |
|
Smjle
|
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 19 | |
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/10/2007 1:56:47 AM | 1) Whoever I date has to accept that my children are my number 1 priority
No problem! You go your way and I'll go mine
2) No one will date me because I have children No, see #1. We won't date you because we are not willing to be relegated to second class status while you expect to #1. Maybe some guys will--guys that are desperate and don’t have better choices.
I applaud the OP for recognizing the imbalance of the above and putting things in perspective. | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/10/2007 8:23:53 AM | Just because a woman puts her children first doesnt mean she is not going to give her all to the other person......It is selfishness for a man to think that he has to be her first and formost priority.......There has to be a balance.....and it comes down to compromise....
Maybe that is why I would rather date a man who has children because he should be able to understand the true concept... | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/10/2007 9:42:01 AM | to pinklollipop & care bear:
I don't have to have children to have an opinion on single parenthood. I was raised by a single parent. I assure you I have direct experience with the challenges involved from watching my mother struggle. My father was a deadbeat, my mother raised us without his support - financial or otherwise. My stepfather didn't appear on the scene until several years after the divorce.
Also, I have dated a couple of single parents and I can draw from that experience as well.
I would like to add that I didn't post this thread to offend single parents. My purpose was to speak as a "child of divorce" and say that balancing parethood with having new relationships isn't automatically emotionally damaging to children and that I don't see why so many on this forum seem to be hell bent on being martyrs to parenthood.
| |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/10/2007 11:49:33 AM | | As a single parent of two girls, I see it a different way. When I was growing up, sure it was fine for my parents to go out on "grown-up" time; it was also fine for me to run out the house on Saturday afternoon, and not come back till nearly dark. You knew your neighbor, you knew your neighborhood, you knew, as a parent, that you were not alone. Nowadays all you can trust, is all you know, and that is those kids that are your life. People have a tough time letting that trust extend to others; nobody wants a missing childs picture on the walls of Walmart. Nobody wants a child abused by a pedophile neighbor, or beaten by a sick babysitter. I do not blame anybody that says a child is the number one priority; that is how I am, and if somebody doesn't like it....SEEYA!!! | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/10/2007 2:47:39 PM | | sorry nice and simple kids come first although in saying that I will not let my kids dictate things to me | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/10/2007 5:31:04 PM | Well, my immediate reaction is to agree that there has to be a balance between making both children and a new partner priorities in different ways.
I met a guy here who stated upfront his daughter would always "come first" and the way he said it and talked about the situation made me a bit leery because I had the sense that should we become serious, I would always play "second fiddle". And it didn't sit well with me; my kids would know that they might have to share and not always be #1 (nor would they always come 2nd... it would be a delicate balance)
We hear all the time (in the media) about mothers needing to nurture themselves before they can properly nurture their family and ensuring an equal amount of attention be given to a new partner is not being selfish or whatever.
Kids do need to know that their parents require a life apart from being mom/dad and seeing their parents loving another (be they a new partner or their other parent) teaches them about relationships.
And kids are resilient--if they're not being neglected and/or cast aside, they will understand. | |
|
| Priorities: New BF/GF vs children
Posted: 3/10/2007 6:39:13 PM |
to pinklollipop & care bear:
I think you misunderstood my post regarding you starting this thread and not being a parent. I was actually defending you.
My brother has no kids and is in his 30's. He has dated some women with kids and has said how some can be so involved with motherhood that they acted like he didn't exsist. He said he went into the relationship with the understanding that her kids were very important to her, but he felt like an outcast in what was supposed to be a relationship. He found it frustrating.
Your definatly entitled to your opinion on being a parent even though you aren't, and not once did I feel you offended me. This is a great post about an excellent topic!
 | |
|
Home
login 
