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 LBP
Joined: 12/27/2006
Msg: 1
Men who SmotherPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
You see a lot of threads about women who smother but you don't see many about men who smother. I've had a problem with this on many occassions and I want to know if this is common or if I'm doing something to encourage it or what.

This is what I'm seeing and consider smothering...

1. After one conversation, they want to talk daily and about nothing in particular. They just want contact. It's about quantity, not quality.
2. You start saying you are "away" on msn even when you're not because they are looking for any signs of life to talk to you. Make sure you don't change your msn avatar while you say you are away...sign of life...message will come.
3. They ignore comments like, I have to go to bed or I have to get things done here, and try to prolong the conversation anyway. Actually, its you who ends every conversation.
4. I'm too tired to talk seems like a concept lost on them
5. They don't seem to have other interests in their spare time other than being available for me
6. If you don't respond, they do this 'play it cool but so obviously not' thing. Like "I see you're not around right now, I'll keep messaging you every so often until you respond". Every hour and half you get a message saying, "you around yet? no? that's cool....I'll check back later".

Maybe its just coincidence but it seems like a lot of these guys are the ones who have "not looking for players" or a woman seeking "Mr. Perfect" in their profiles.

It seems really controlling to me though and can squash any positive feelings I have towards them. I don't know how to get across chill out in my profile.
 justbeingme74
Joined: 3/3/2007
Msg: 2
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 5:14:12 PM
ive had that problem myself...lol, gotta say...chill out, let them know right off the bat...i usually ask them what their pet pieves are and then reply with mine..included in my pet pieves is exactly that...my pet pieve are people who tend to smother. tend to be needy...and follow that with "cause im so independent...lol...try it might work
 spurrin48
Joined: 3/9/2007
Msg: 3
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 5:34:27 PM
I believe everyone will have a different theory to this. Mine may not hold any ground but I figure I will give you one theory that may help you understand a little bit better. For decades women for a large part (not all of you) have been known to be clingy and needy. In this day and age, there are just as many opportunities for women to further themselves and become successful, all the while remaining single. So now men feel less needed and women generally are becoming way more independent and do not need a man. For guys, it's something new that we are not used to and we react to a woman's independence the same way women have acted towards ours for generations, we become needy. Not all guys react this way but it is starting to become more common. It's my "shoe on the other foot" theory. Men have always felt independent because they have felt that they were generally in control of their dating situation. But now women are becoming the alpha female, if you will, and men are not sure of how to react so they take the place of the needy, clingy person in the relationship. Not to mention that society frowns upon singledom in a horrible way. Both genders are to feel that they are not part of the "in crowd" if they are single. It's a very harsh reality. But that is just one man's thoughts. I'm sure you will have many more responses to this topic.
 ubkobalt
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 4
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 5:35:25 PM
Have you told them, or are you a hider?

Because I AM one of those guys, which is why I posted a thread on how much you invest yesterday. I've done it before, and I'm not sure how much effort to put in. And I feel like if I'm NOT putting in any effort, I'm going to lose her due to lack of interest.

I'd MUCH rather have someone say "cool it, slow down" than have me sitting around wondering if I'm wasting my time, if they're interested, etc. But no, they typically just prefer to hide, rather than be honest.

It's not so much a needy smothering...as much as being unsure what level of throttle control to use. I tend to go in hot, guns blazing.
 petrarch2
Joined: 2/8/2006
Msg: 5
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Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 5:44:54 PM
Well I guess you know why those guys are single then hey! You really have to make it clear right away when this starts that that smothering behaviour is not acceptable and if it continues just block them.

If a guy is into you he may not know how needy he is coming off, just let him know.
 Doos
Joined: 8/5/2006
Msg: 6
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Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 6:30:19 PM
Y'ever see 'Dumb and Dumber'?

Anyone know the bit where the lady character says to Jim Carreys character that he has a '1 in a million chance' with her? He goes 'So you're saying there's a chance.'

Dudes like a challenge, and if we think there is a chance, and we want the prize, we will fight for it. State it plain and simple. F@ck off.. I don't like you.

Save yourself the trouble and the guilty feelings that must come along with hiding and having to sneak and lie. Just put it out there so they know, for sure, that there is nothing there for them. Then make sure to state that you don't want to hear all the 'But why?' whining.

Unless of course you like all the attention. Then hey, keep it up.

Dustin.
 Audial Liaison
Joined: 1/10/2007
Msg: 7
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Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 6:40:21 PM


But no, they typically just prefer to hide, rather than be honest.


Perhaps some people would rather not talk about it to the person, but spend time talking about it to friends or on the internet.
 talista
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 8
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Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 6:45:00 PM
Anyone know the bit where the lady character says to Jim Carreys character that he has a '1 in a million chance' with her? He goes 'So you're saying there's a chance.'

Dudes like a challenge, and if we think there is a chance, and we want the prize, we will fight for it. State it plain and simple. F@ck off.. I don't like you.


This one is a pearl...gotta remember this for next time.
 Droford
Joined: 1/2/2007
Msg: 9
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 7:12:37 PM
The better line from that scene is when hes practicing saying "I'm like a school boy who wants to make sweet love to you" to her and it comes out "I wanna make love to a school boy!" (or something along those lines) when he actually says it to her.

And I'll go right ahead and say that Im a smotherer too.
 SareeG
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 10
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 7:16:02 PM
A lot of the time, though, the girl will like the guy, but that all goes out the window when he becomes a clingy mess. I'm sure that a lot of guys have had the same problem with clingy women.

This has happened to me, and I ran for the hills. If you don't seem to have a life outside of the girl you're with, there's a problem, IMO.
 ubkobalt
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 11
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 7:23:39 PM
I happen to like clingy...as long as they don't get upset when I have to go do something. Don't like that kind.

I do like when they return the intensity. As opposed to the "Yawn, yeah, it's nice to have you around as a small percentage of my life." routine. Again, it's about honesty, and stating intentions.
 SareeG
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 12
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 7:30:35 PM
Again, I should have been more clear.

Going out on a couple of dates with a guy and he gets clingy and needy: bad.

Going out with someone (exclusively) for awhile and spending lots of time together with room for each person's own interests: good.

I hate it when a guy is in my face all the time after I've been on one or two dates with him. I once had a guy tell me that he'd miss me after we'd gone out three nights in a row. Um, hello? Give me some frickin' TIME to miss you!
 ubkobalt
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 13
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 7:36:44 PM
Suddenly the "The woman is usually 3 dates behind the guy." saying seems a little more real.
 hapeenurse
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 14
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 7:38:41 PM
been there, done that , hated it!

huge turn off for me personally. I like that I have my own life and he has his and it's great when the two come together ,but calling every single day after you just started to date (multiple calls a day even!) just gets on my nerves.

being clingy/needy is a great way to get ppl to head for the hills.
 e-wok
Joined: 9/25/2006
Msg: 15
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 7:58:19 PM
I once had a guy tell me that he'd miss me after we'd gone out three nights in a row. Um, hello? Give me some frickin' TIME to miss you


I know, I know!...I tell 'em, hey biotch, I'll talk to ya in a week or two...get off
my face stupid ho!

Ummm.....SareeG, I think you're post belongs to the "unemotionally unavailable"
thread. My quote above was oozing with sarcasm. If you have a bf, honestly,
do you mind that he dissapears for 3 or 4 even 5 days then claims he
didn't miss you in the least?

 jimi77
Joined: 7/13/2004
Msg: 16
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 8:08:15 PM
I like to smother my woman..








smother her in kisses... MUhahahah!
 talista
Joined: 10/11/2006
Msg: 17
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Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 8:09:17 PM
Smothering can be a good thing, given it is the right person
 That Guy Him
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 18
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/14/2007 8:36:41 PM
Men who smother... women who aren't upfront... chickens that don't lay eggs... all mysteries none of us will never understand and don't really need to in order to get on with our daily lives. When shit doesn't make sense, walk away and find something that does. Leave the fig'rin' stuff to the psychologists. They'll let the pharamceutical companies know what kinda drug to formulate to fix the chemical imbalances causing it.
 Smjle
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 19
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/15/2007 2:32:04 AM
They don't intend to be controlling. It just means they think you are the living end and and they are desperate to have you.
 simon23
Joined: 11/18/2006
Msg: 20
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/15/2007 6:23:21 AM
aimed at the op, some of that can be normal, like if your away on msn and you take off the away tag people will notice and talk to you, thats why its there, to let people know when and when not to chat.
trying to prolong the conversation is natural if you like someone enough to want them to stay and chat.
too tired to talk? then dont talk, dont go on msn, its a chat utility and your too tired to chat? why log on in the first place.
and for not responding, thats simply rude, quickly tell the guy your busy and will be back soon, chances are he doesnt catch on to lots of this stuff.
on his end, your online, not chatting, are you simply ignoring his im's? he dont know, he's on the other end of a internet connection staring at a screen.
i apologise for my lack of grammar skill.
Have a look at it from his end and communicate, i see it like your pulling away and he's following.
 SareeG
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 21
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/15/2007 7:22:08 AM

I know, I know!...I tell 'em, hey biotch, I'll talk to ya in a week or two...get off
my face stupid ho!

Ummm.....SareeG, I think you're post belongs to the "unemotionally unavailable"
thread. My quote above was oozing with sarcasm. If you have a bf, honestly,
do you mind that he dissapears for 3 or 4 even 5 days then claims he
didn't miss you in the least?


You know what's great? Happy mediums.
 dino_freebird
Joined: 11/6/2006
Msg: 22
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Men who Smother
Posted: 3/15/2007 11:37:44 AM
I used to want to call, just to chat, but found that I was "seeming" needy, and lost the girl. Then when I back off, it seems like I don't care. Damned if I do, Damned if I don't...
 aceracer24
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 23
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Men who Smother
Posted: 3/15/2007 5:21:52 PM

It's not so much a needy smothering...as much as being unsure what level of throttle control to use.


I have to agree with this. I have lost relationships because I paid to much attention to them....or not enough. I never find out till the words "I am sorry, this isn't working". No amount of "sorry" and "I will stop" will fix teh situation. The girl already has her mind made up. I don't agree with someone right out saying their pet peeve is smothering. To one women it might be but to another it's not and the guy doesn't know if he is coming or going.

Give some time to learn if he is smothering you or not, if he does then tell him in what way, being kind about it. Explain it clearly and let him know your not out to hurt him or push him away. If this had been done for me, there is no telling how far the relationships would/could have gone. Sometimes we just don't know we are doing it!
 carrierj1
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 24
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/15/2007 5:40:05 PM
What sucks is that eventually women complain that you don't pay enough attention to them.
 Henrietta
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 25
Men who Smother
Posted: 3/15/2007 7:49:49 PM
Haha. I haven't read all the comments but the last one by carrier was very good.

I have the same problem all of the time and I agree about the type of guys that do it as well. I don't mind but some times you do have things to get on with and it's almost although they need you in their lives immediately when you've only just met.
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