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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 12:23:07 PM | Here's the thing, I know I have probably picked the wrong men in one way or another, but it seems that (MOST) men have a hard time discussing emotions or problems with their girlfriend.
I would just like to know why, I have seen men who do discuss emotions but not a lot.
If you are the type to lock your emotions up and not talk about them why do you do this? Why do SOME men do this in general?
I am really curious.
***NOTE***
I know that there have been threads related to this, but its so jumbled... so I decided to post again. Thank you for anyone who is going to point this fact out
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 12:29:17 PM | As a rule of thumb... men dont like to talk about their emotions. It is something that women are often trying to force us to do because it comes naturally to them but we dont like it. If a guy wants to talk to you about it, he will on his own. If you try to force it then it will get ugly.
Men tend to take things in stride... if we are having a rough time, we keep it inside or vent in some way (sports, video games, hanging out with the guys, and unfortunately for some its substance abuse that becomes the crutch)
Is it a healthy way to be? Depends if he lets it out in healthy ways. Personally, when I have a rough day or if I am feeling blue I like to put on some loud music and play video games... I watch a movie or I play some physical sports.
Sadly though, it often manifests itself in a negative way. A large proportion of suicides are divorced men (2/3 I think I read, but I cant remember off the top of my head) The majority of substance (drugs/alcohol) abusers are male... a LARGE majority of homeless people are men. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 12:32:00 PM | I believe I'm a very emotional person. I feel things very deeply and happy or sad I tend to express what I'm feeling to others.
I find that this is not as an attractive trait that women claim it to be. Rather than learn to express myself over the years, I've had to learn to express myself less. To keep what my heart is feeling within myself because the only thing worse than risking to put yourself out there and being hurt is doing so and realizing that the person you are opening up do doesn't even care.
As such, I try to stay in a good mood so those are the feelings I project . | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 12:33:08 PM | Men prefer to think about their emotions, not discuss them. It's more of a natural thing. It's better to understand it and accept it, rather than change men to act like women.
If I'm talking about my feelings to a woman, I'm either in REALLY bad shape, don't consider her mate worthy, or consider her extremely mate worthy, and in this case, they will then run far from me because I was being a total wimp.
Discussing emotions with women tends to repel them, friend-zone you, and not attract them.
Plus, testosterone can inhibit emotional responses. They're still there, they're muted a little more, so there might not be a lot to talk about. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 12:33:56 PM | See I don't mind if they take it out in some form like you said (not the drug use though), however I keep getting it taken out on me... either they become distant and I am not the type to push, I ask once and if you don't want to tell me fine, I know that EVENTUALLY it will come but most likely NEVER.
I usually hook up with the types that keep it in so long that they end up BLOWING... and I get the brunt end of it.
I would love it if they could just go to a damn gym and have a work out and get into something that they can take it out on other then me.
But why is it a "rule of thumb" what is about men that doesn't let them talk about their emotions???? | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 12:37:27 PM | If this is any value ............
I’ve learned my lesson.
I am an older guy - so much of this may not apply to other guys or many younger guys.
Being a guy I avoid drama. My first wife (16 years) thrived on it. I finally left her.
My second wife (17 years) no drama what so ever but ......... she kept her thoughts to herself. Not only with me but with others also.
I never ever really knew just what was on her mind. BIG MISTAKE. Even if I tried to get her talking it was a no go.
If there is a next time we will talk - tell each other what we are thinking - what emotional state we are in.
I have since determined that in her case - talking about it was not to her benefit. She had a long term *secret* plan and pulled it off with perfection.
I have learned my lesson.
General speaking - us guys are not geared to talk about emotions. We are more into just fixing stuff and going on.
Most of us are not that interested in drama ........................... | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 12:37:42 PM | Because you are thinking about men like a woman. Next time you are confused then just remember this simple statement:
Men and women both have 2 eyes, 2 legs, 2 arms, one nose, 2 ears, we walk upright, breathe oxygen, eat food, drink fluids and hate Jimmy Fallon.
Thats where the similarities end though  | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 12:56:09 PM | Many women aren't willing to listen to men talking about their emotions. They want to control the discussion, they want the men to say specific things, they want to impose their own emotional biases on men. So, men get annoyed with the conversation, which ends up not being about them anyway, and don't want to participate.
Personally, I find my emotions are pretty straighforward. If I don't like something, I don't like it. I don't want to spend hours defending my emotional response to a situation, or having a woman constantly bring up the topic again for months or years, or having her discuss it with her friends.
Another thing is that women don't always want to hear about positive emotions. They seem to prefer having men confess negative experiences. Discussions "about feelings" turn into a fishing expedition for women to dig up dirt that they will throw in men's faces later on. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 1:03:42 PM | Well, I think it all depends on the guy,the emotions, and the girlfriend.
I tend to have emotions relating to work, money, and life in general that I just don't want to burden people with. I close them up and don't let them interfere with my relationships (friends, family, or girlfriends ) and deal with them on my own time. If the girlfriend was on the longer term side of things I would be much more open to sharing those parts of myself.
However, when things are starting out I feel it's unfair to place any emotional issues on the person you are dating.
As for emotions that are related to my relationship with a girlfriend, I tend to be open about those. There is nothing worse than not knowing how you stand with a person and having to guess what they are feeling. So being open on the romantic issues is critical for me.
I consider it bad form to place emotional burdens on people so I lock certain emotions away. Also, there is some kind of hit to male pride in sharing such emotions because it means that you could not handle the emotional situation yourself. So asking for emotional help is akin to admitting a personal failure which can be a hard pill to swallow.
Any of that help? | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 1:16:43 PM | In my experience, in a very trusting and intimate relationship (not just talking sex), the do talk about their feelings. It seems to be a part of the natural progression of the relationship.
And like Ukobalt said, men who are just friends are often very comfortable talking to you about their feelings. I mean, they're not as likely to have a guy friend who would "get" it, and they know a good female friend will. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 1:19:46 PM | | There's a wealth of information on the net, just a few clicks away, and in bookstores and libraries that explain some of these differences between men and women, if you're really, really curious. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 1:30:22 PM | | A couple things effect why we don't like to talk about emotions. I think one is the feeling of the women feeling like her man might not be masculine enough to protect . If we express ourselvse through words it's sometimes a turn off. A big thing though is how we were raised I think. My 18 year old son(adopted) was saised mostly by his mother and pampered through the early stages of life (she was a single mother and raised him in a feminine way) so he expresses his feelings easily. I was fortunate enough to have both parents growing up. I tend not to open up much because I never saw my father express anything except anger, that's the easiest one for males to show. I hope this helps you out. | |
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MAPT
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Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 14 | |
| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 1:34:49 PM |
Here's the thing, I know I have probably picked the wrong men in one way or another, but it seems that (MOST) men have a hard time discussing emotions or problems with their girlfriend.
Hmmm...well this redundant thread made me cry..is that sorta what you mean??
JMO..I dont think Most men have a hard time with emotions..much the same as most women dont generalize..of the ones that do keep their emotions bottled up, some are doers and not talkers..some might have emotional issues, and yeah some might be one bad day away from a nasty postal outlash incident...basically there is a vast resevoire of reasons as to why. As long as you dont push the men to be open, I'm sure they will in due time..if you dont like waiting then move on...
Again..JMO
MAPT | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 2:11:22 PM | Talking ABOUT emotions is well, kinda relative. Do you want to hear about it when I'm mad ( a yell, a F U !! or Shiat!!!) or do you want to hear WHY I am mad. Most of the time if I have to explain why I am mad, I would assume that you are not very bright or observant. I went thru this with my ex. At first she said that I did'nt express WHY I was angry or upset. So, trying to fit her need I had to explain why I was pissed. She did'nt like that answer either. So..... if you want to know,,,,,,be careful, cause maybe you really don't.
Of course, when I am saying "you" ^^^^^^, I am not talking "you" personally.
One other thing,,,,if you want us men to discuss emotions with ya,,,you will get the good with the bad, so be ready for that also. I don't know a lot of people that are always happy and smiley everyday. Well, I do, but they really are'nt all there. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 2:11:43 PM | I don't know that "MOST" is necessarily accurate ... nor do I think we're incapable of discussing our emotions.
I just don't wanna talk about it right now, k?
(Maybe it all has more to do with a womans "NEED" to know?) | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 2:19:13 PM | No, they certainly aren't incapable of it...at least not in my experience.
Where are these men who don't discuss emotional well-being? Send some my way...if I could date one it'd be refreshing. The ones I meet are too emotional, or clingy, or overly relationship oriented...it would be nice to just have fun with someone for a while and NOT discuss emotions. There is a time and place for that, and the ones I run into aren't aware of it. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 5:01:12 PM | Most men don't think with emotions the same way women do.
Some however do know how to open up and talk. Many of the times though it is after a few too many and they can't even believe what they have told me. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/16/2007 6:23:01 PM | As a woman, you really have to understand how some men are raised. Look at the differences, and you'll see the results afterwards.
A small male child falls and starts to cry, and he's told "to be a man". A young boy comes home and tells his Dad he got beaten up, and there's a good chance that he'll be told to go back and "kick that sob's A##". For most of his early life, there will be pressure to "win" and suppress normal human emotions.
All the cultural examples of male conduct reinforce this, as a look at most film or TV programming will easily show. Men are "strong", and "powerful".
Women also sometimes have great difficulty with a man being in touch with his emotions. At some deep level, that can be seen as a "weakness". Add to all this the typical "male" enviroment, where discussion of emotions between men is frowned upon, and you get men being told over and over again that "emotions are bad".
Why do you think men kill themselves, or develop addictions, in such great numbers ? | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/19/2007 9:25:37 PM | Apparently I have some difficulty expressing my emotions around women. At least three girlfriends have told me this. From my side of things, I see part of the issue as how women try to get me to express emotion verbally. Typically I get very general questions. "How are you feeling". My answer? Equally general. "I am fine" followed by asking about her. A more specific direct question would probably work way better. Make the question rational, specific and succinct. Remember, rational, logical = men.
In all my relationships though, if something is truly bothering me and I 'feel' bad about the issue, I will bring it up and discuss it with my partner. So from my end of things I have a tough time seeing where the problem is. In fact, I usually bring up the issue before my partner does, when it is something that has beeen bothering both of us. I may have spilled coffee all over my shirt on the way to work. Five people could have cut me off. Someone keyed the car while I was at work. I dropped a 45 lb weight plate on my left big toe and broke the hell out of it training earlier. Black and blue I can hardly walk. Had to use the fire extinguisher to put out a small kitchen fire at the office. Dropped the cell phone in the toilet taking a p****.
I'd probably forget about most of those things by the time I got home. Obviously, all of them would need 'fixing' so that they didn't happen again, but those are just problems to deal with. Other than that, why would I care so much about how I 'felt' about those things? A truly serious issue? Someone dies? Yep, I am going to be talking about how I feel. A lot of little minute and day to day happenings don't mean much to me. I'd tend to think more of what positive goals I got accomplished for the day.
Asking really general, open ended questions is kind of a lazy way of going about it imo. It seems like all someone is looking for in that situation is an expression of raw emotion, no matter what that emotion pertains to. Make the inquiry specific and direct, then you have a more pertinent issue to deal with. jmo. Men will see through a woman whose only goal is to elicit emotion. Most men don't appreciate that in a conversation. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/19/2007 9:31:46 PM | I personally have a hard time with this. As I was raised NOT to show emotion, so I don't. People who don't know me consider me cold, and blunt. Yet those who take the time to get to know me, and earn my trust, get to see the real me. Yes, the part that talks about feelings, emotions, aspirations, dreams and so forth.
Although I still struggle with it, I do acknowledge that it's something that I need to work on. Point being, sometimes we just need time to adjust. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/19/2007 9:45:57 PM | Almost 90 % of the men I have dated have divulged their emotions to me. When something was troubling them, I can sense from their behaviour, thoughts and actions. All of them did NOT initiate the talk about emotions. I did and I did in a way that was NOT pushy or overwhelming. I found that they opened up easily when you show them that you are there to LISTEN...not necessarily give advice or take over the solution...but just basically to listen patiently, quietly and then if he wants, advice him logically.
It's just a matter of communicating with them in a way that THEY understand. Every man is different, but I find the calm, cool, collected, patient and understanding approach works really well and next thing you know, they're divulging their emotions to you. I couldn't even shut some of them up! | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/19/2007 10:14:17 PM | Talking about emotions, for me at least, isn't easy, for at least two reasons that I can easily see...
First, I just don't have a lot of experience doing it. It isn't something that was particularly encouraged when I was a child ("Suck it up! Be a man!"), nor it is something that often came up in the friendships that I had. End result is a lot of uncertainly as to HOW to talk about them, when to bring it up, and so forth.
And second, which ties into the first a bit, is that because of my inexperience I have a very hard time conveying what I mean to... as in, what I say and what I mean can often end up being VERY different once it comes out of my mouth. Often, I get into a lot of trouble before I have a chance elaborate or specify things... a couple of times it's gotten me into a LOT of trouble in fact! Which, of course, just makes me want to talk about it even less.
It's a vicious circle. | |
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| Men and emotions... curious
Posted: 3/20/2007 3:55:38 AM | well put it this way... although i might be 20. I've already learnt that these days women couldn't give a damn about a mans emotions.
She'll worry if something is bothering him but if it's not to do with her, then she isn't interested whatsoever usually.
Men dont express our emotions because...
a) we get called wimps and like a woman so it hurts our ego's
b) when we do tell our emotions, women tend to make fun of it later on in a arguement
c) women these days prefer a man to be strong and emotionally strong too... not a mess like some women are with their emotions.
You ask why men sometimes let it all build up and then blow all at once?
Simple, because we're not allowed to blow up, women usually make us look like prats and we keep quiet about it, but everyone has their limits and if she pushes too hard, he'll want to show her just how bad she's making him feel all at once. It's just our way of saying "dont do it because if you do, we'll give you this again and again and again until u get the idea to stop doing it" | |
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