Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 elamargory
Joined: 3/3/2007
Msg: 1
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do thatPage 1 of 1    
i still dont understand why guys give you mixed messages. are they insecure? or not sure about the relationship/friendship?. and how come when it all gets too much its the chicks fault as in " i told you i wasnt after a serious relationship" but will give you all the indications that is where it is heading. how come when it is all intense and they are seeing every day and things are sweet they sudenly pull away (chicks fault of course - too demanding) wot the ??? go figure
 MrSnade
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 2
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/18/2007 7:21:01 AM
If a guy says "i'm not looking for a serious relationship", believe it. Now if you say, ok, I can handle a "not serious" thing, and you fall for him, who's fault is it? Not your's and not his. It's a male/female communication thing.

Women and Men are different in how they behave in 'friendships'. Ironically, a "not serious" relashionship initiated by a woman is very cut and dry. "Here's your pants. Hurry, you'll miss your bus!"

If it's initiated by a man, he'll be more emotional and will open up much more to the woman. His 'soft emotional' side will surface because he doesn't have to impress you. Being a woman, you interpret this to mean "Hey, he friggin likes me!"

But guys get messed up too.
 guy_in_toronto_28
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 3
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/18/2007 8:48:16 AM
Just ask if it is not clear before moving on.

I agree with you that some people might say friend and behave like they are looking for more because I saw a few profile like that of girls.

I think the best way might be at some point to ask before you meet the person. If he confirms that it is friend and he is not opened to the possibility of more, then respect his choice.

If he said he is ok for more, then he is just using that "I didn't want something serious" to excuse his disinterestment.

---

The pull back is normal. It could either be good or be bad. Just leave some breathing space and see if he comes back. Don't run after him. Guys need to pull back to move in the "uncertainty phase" to test if you are the one. Once the "uncertainty phase" is done, it is the "exclusion phase". If you want him to move from the "initial excitement phase" to the "exclusion phase", you are asking him to skip one step... This is not good.

If you have not heard him for a long time (more than 1-2 weeks), then it might not be good.

Note that because you showed interest, the role are not reversed. He knows you like him a lot. He needs to think more if you are really *the* one. If you are both unsure, it is always ok. But at some points he needs to think and see.

Some girls get all excited and then try to treat the guy like if he was their boyfriend -- calling often, etc. It becomes a little bit overwhelming when it arrives all at once. :o
It is not a guy that it means you can go at any speed. I think some girls have the misconception that because it is a guy, guys are always faster in business than girls. This is not the case. Especially, if you are looking for a real relationship. Well, it is the case with me... If things seem to go super fast, I will need to take some time off to breath. Normally this a few days like 3-4 days maybe even up to one week.
 guy_in_toronto_28
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 4
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/18/2007 8:51:45 AM
"the role are not reversed" -- should read "the role are *now* reversed" -- in 2nd to last paragraph.
 jakeo_germany
Joined: 6/17/2006
Msg: 5
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/18/2007 12:15:11 PM
Usually mixed messages are the result of mixed intentions. Few men go into a relationship knowing precisely what they want and have an 8 step plan to get it.

The "not looking for a serious relationship" is a male ruse to ward of women with a laser-likfe focus on marriage and babies. It isn't always literally true.
 ubkobalt
Joined: 5/7/2006
Msg: 6
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/18/2007 3:46:04 PM
"I'm not after a serious relationship" = I'm not commiting. Don't get attached. If you disagree with this type of relationship, say so now. The contract can change when one of us changes it.

Because afterall, being in a relationship can be very nice. Didn't you find it nice? So did he probably.
 CloneAlone
Joined: 7/8/2006
Msg: 7
view profile
History
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/18/2007 3:51:31 PM
Maybe guys separate emotion from actions better and so are able to give love and attention which a woman interprets as signs of long term when really the guy is just living in the moment the best he can?
Or maybe lumping all guys into a single category is unfair and discriminatory and it is the guys YOU are picking that are the problem.
Better yet, I'll answer yours when you answer mine. Why did the woman say she was looking for a serious relationship then say she wanted only a casual relationship after 'getting what she wanted', which incidentally she tried to make plans to come back for more of in almost the same breath. Talk about mixed messages!!

Clone <----looking for an aspirin
 elamargory
Joined: 3/3/2007
Msg: 8
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/18/2007 8:21:27 PM
made it clear that i was not looking for marriage or living together. that were to be friends and have some fun together. he indicated he wanted the same. then he started saying that he loved me. did the dinner and wine thing. then he would do the distancing thing. helped him out as a friend with different things. he stating that im too good for him ??? he moved to uk. telling me he is looking for his bit fun (thats an in your face) and that I should go to bed with his mate. wot the f... ???. he obviously got the whole thing mixed up and in the process mixed me up too. wot started off as a good friendship ended up not. I dont need to know hes tarting around and i am not to be shared with his mate. he f...d up. yep left him alone that's right-
 IHAVEAMIND
Joined: 3/5/2007
Msg: 9
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/18/2007 9:06:53 PM
sounds like the guy gave you mixed messages.. ... I couldn't help but read this one to learn...
my question for the guys is this....
When you click with someone on a friendship level..many things said are in common and there are moments of conncection.. and there is a possiblity of a relationship.. what would stop you from moving forward?
Thanks
 Uriel1984
Joined: 2/27/2007
Msg: 10
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/21/2007 11:28:30 PM
Myself.
From personal experience, I have had a very close female friend, and as a guy, I got confused about who wanted what and refused to budge on a "relationship" level. I like her a lot, and not knowing how she feels, wouldn't move forward. We did everything toghter, except sex. We have both been there through break ups, and what not. And have both asked the question why we didn't get toghter.

FEAR - We don't know what would happen. Neither one of us wants to get in a relationship that would end poorly, then we would loose a best friend, or have ackward moments. I would rather have her as a best friend then risk loosing her.
 jodie1985
Joined: 4/14/2006
Msg: 11
view profile
History
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/22/2007 7:51:52 AM
go get hes not that into u u will figure out the mixed messages and why us girls make excuses for them :D god i love that book .. cuz the answewr to this question issssssss...... HES NOT THAT INTO U
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 12
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:32:15 AM
If someone is “wishy washy” we need to understand what that really means. I means they are not all that convinced - which means it is not really a two way match.

When two people are around each other and they BOTH feel it is a VERY good potential - they both get serious about getting rid of the “if ands and buts”

If someone don’t seem pretty darn certain - I say back away before you get hurt. If they were certain (about you) you would not be viewing them as uncertain. If it is some silly ass game - I still say back away from them and stop thinking about them ASAP. Just scratch them off of your “list” and forget it.
 lovelyviolet
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 13
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/22/2007 10:11:24 AM
If a guy is sending mixed messages, then tune in to the ones that indicate he's not that into you. He is sending out enough positive messages to keep you around for booty calls, but he doesn't intend to commit to you. To know for sure, pull away from him completely. Don't call him or email him. If he pursues you, great. If not, then he just wasn't that into you.
 Mr. Phoenix
Joined: 7/7/2006
Msg: 14
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 3/22/2007 11:40:28 AM

i still dont understand why guys give you mixed messages. are they insecure?


Yes.


or not sure about the relationship/friendship?


Yes.


and how come when it all gets too much its the chicks fault as in " i told you i wasnt after a serious relationship" but will give you all the indications that is where it is heading.


Well, one of the biggest fallacies I think women believe about men is that we are unified personalities. We aren't. More often than not, we are conflicted inside. If you're getting mixed messages from a guy, it's not a matter of choosing which ones to believe. They're ALL true. A guy might really enjoy you, really appreciate you, really feel grateful to you, and also be really afraid of getting in too deep with you.


how come when it is all intense and they are seeing every day and things are sweet they sudenly pull away (chicks fault of course - too demanding) wot the ??? go figure


If you only listen to the messages that confirm what you want to believe, you'll get your heart broken for sure. A man's skittishness will always baffle you. If you've ever seen a dog who's been kicked, you'll have a better understanding of how a man can be sweet as can be and suddenly tweak when things start feeling too close for his comfort.

If you only listen to what sounds consistent to you, you won't really be getting to know him. You'll just be feeding your fantasy. There's nothing wrong with seeing a man's potential and supporting him in reaching it. However, you won't be doing that if you ignore the parts of him that react to your love with fear or react to his fears as though he had somehow betrayed you. What he betrayed, if anything, was your _fantasy._ And if you're busy building up a fantasy and then demanding that he fulfill it, is it really a betrayal for him to decide it's high time for him to make his escape? Who betrayed whom in that scenario?

It is very important to listen carefully when a guy is telling you about the limits of his intentions and anything else that might contradict your vision or hopes. His fears and concerns about going beyond what he feels capable of or comfortable with are just as much who he is as his praise for you and his physical passion.

You know how you feel when a man pushes for sex too quickly? When women pull for commitment too quickly it feels exactly the same. Of the two, which do you think is the bigger deal in the long run?

Men are complicated. We take getting to know. You have to listen to _everything_ we say and then understand that we are mixed up ourselves. If you expect to get a straight, consistent, easy-to-understand story from us you will be forever disappointed. We just aren't like that.

However, if you become a careful observe of the man you tell yourself you love, and if you share what you notice about his conflicts with some compassion for how it must feel, you will find men to be as loyal to you as that dog who realizes he's never going to get kicked again as long as he's with you.

Got it?

All the best,

Robert
 takejoy2
Joined: 4/3/2009
Msg: 15
view profile
History
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 9/10/2009 6:56:25 PM
Robert,
I want to say that I find your comments both insightful and refreshing. It seems that the popular portrayals of men too often depict them as simple, one-dimensional creatures who lack any sort of depth whatsoever. I love that you point out the need to listen carefully, and that conflicting needs and emotions often coexist. Men can be just as sensitive as women, and if they've been badly hurt they can be especially cautious. You are so very correct that if we get caught up in trying to feed and push toward fulfillment of our own fantasies we are setting the relationship up for failure. I think it's fair and accurate to say that nobody likes to be pushed -- either for sex or commitment. If we're not ready to really listen to the other person and honor his or her timetable, we're not being loving. Thanks for being candid and articulate!
 WackMC
Joined: 4/23/2008
Msg: 16
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:05:01 PM
OK, from what I understand, you BOTH said it wasn't serious and only for FUN. You both had some fun, and now you're apart.

What's the problem? You HAD fun. Now it's over. Go find the next fun guy.

== BUT == Here you are with a rant about a guy who wasn't serious and he moved away. SO? It wasn't serious.

What's the problem? OP, I think it is YOU that's giving US a mixed message.
 bwana217
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 17
view profile
History
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:06:12 PM
Well, yes, men are insecure. We're also kind of in awe of women's power over us, at least when we are young. We also know that women hate it when we're insecure, so we don't say it.
 P.R.Handgrenade69
Joined: 4/10/2009
Msg: 18
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:09:50 PM
The OP had an issue 2 years ago and she high-tailed it out of here long ago. Still a good rant and the posts are still good.

P.S.: Robert is no longer with us. He has no idea what you are saying to him.
 WackMC
Joined: 4/23/2008
Msg: 19
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:27:04 PM
R.I.P. ......Robert.....
 AlwaysExpectMiracles
Joined: 5/14/2009
Msg: 20
view profile
History
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:44:56 PM
When they say they are not after serious relationship - BELIEVE them. Realize that these are the ground rules that they've set. If you continue seeing them it means you've accepted the rules. If you're hoping to change their mind with your love, affection and good sex you are setting yourself up for that exact disapointment you described.
 soliebtdielerche
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 21
view profile
History
age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:17:35 PM
Him sending you mixed messages means he is unsure about how you're thinking about him. You have to do your part and define the relationship.
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > age old question mixed messages- why do guys do that