| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/20/2007 9:27:18 PM | I was talking with a friend earlier, and while he was speaking, I realized what was coming out of his mouth sounded like familiar...like something I would be saying!
That got me thinking...do we push people away? Do we sabotage our own happiness?
So, I turned to Google for answers and found this:
Self-defeating personality disorder is a pervasive pattern of self-defeating behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts. The person may often avoid or undermine pleasurable experiences, be drawn to situations or relationships in which he or she will suffer, and prevent others from helping him or her, as indicated by at least five of the following:
•Chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available
•Rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help him or her
•Following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain ( e.g., an accident)
•Incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated (e.g., makes fun of spouse in public, provoking an angry retort, then feels devastated)
•Rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying himself or herself (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure)
•Fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, e.g., helps fellow students write papers , but is unable to write his or her own
•Is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat him or her well, e.g., is unattracted to caring sexual partners
•Engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice
The behaviors do not occur exclusively in response to, or in anticipation of , being physically, sexually, or psychologically abused.
The behaviors do not occur only when the person is depressed.
So...Who's going to fess up? | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/21/2007 9:34:14 AM | •Chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available.
---*nope
•Rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help him or her
---*i'm not so good on hand me downs, getting used to getting help with stuff slowly though
•Following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain ( e.g., an accident)
---*nope, i relish the victory, getting used to accepting feel good moments
•Incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated (e.g., makes fun of spouse in public, provoking an angry retort, then feels devastated)
---*nope
•Rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying himself or herself (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure)
---*have to say yes there, trying to climb out of it though
•Fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, e.g., helps fellow students write papers , but is unable to write his or her own
---*not always, depends on the day im having
•Is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat him or her well, e.g., is unattracted to caring sexual partners
---*gets complex there, at one point i was shot down by each girl i liked, they wanted confidence and i had none, it caused me to ignore genuine attractions and hints from women even to the point where i would ignore blatently obvious signs and turned down girls who hit on me, had trouble believing them in my mind
again, recently got over that but dont get hit on anymore :(
•Engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice
---*nope | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/21/2007 9:39:39 AM | I'm not a self-sabotager, but I am definitely working on my procrastination deal.
I'm good at distracting myself from the more unsavory tasks I need to accomplish.
I don't deny myself pleasure if it's available so that's a NO on that one.
I don't run from a man who's good for me, so that's a NO.
I don't stick around for abuse, so that's a NO.
If anything I would say I just have a low tolerance for people's B.S. Get real or get out is my personal motto. I like my own company. I don't give myself so much grief. | |
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Algy
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Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 5 | |
| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/23/2007 9:54:17 AM |
•Fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, e.g., helps fellow students write papers , but is unable to write his or her own
•Engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice
I suffer from these two on occasion.
I would venture to say that we can all be self-destructive sometimes: eating or drinking to excess, procrastinating, engaging in unhealthy relationships, sabotaging our own goals when we are angry, surfing pof forums when we should be working... Being a defeatist is more like a personality disorder though - it's broader and longer lasting than short-term destructive behavior. | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/23/2007 12:39:56 PM | I agree what is wrong with being single? Why do people think you are strange, weird or gay if you are, something must be wrong with you.
I'm not normal, far from it, but when it comes to being single I have no problems with being happy. I'm alot happier now than I was married that's for sure. Not that being married makes you unhappy but if it suck's well then. | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/23/2007 12:42:07 PM | I have yet to be sorry that I am single, the lack of stress has done wonders for me.
If it happens, cool. If it never does, cool...what would I be out? I have a wonderful family, plenty to keep me busy, and I am very content.
I do not have to ask permission or check with anyone if I can do something or go somewhere.
I can take a break from shaving and not offend anyone.
I can watch what I want on TV or get on the computer without hurting someone's feelings that they aren't getting attention.
I have the whole bed to myself and can be comfortable in flannel.
I can stay up late and no one complains.
Oh - I could go on, but you get the idea. | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/23/2007 12:51:02 PM | Maybe you have those traits and why you can understand and recognize them. I read them and feel I do not have this disorder.
BTW, were you not the one, who last year was on here saying you met someone so perfect?  | |
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xodara
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Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 11 | |
| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/23/2007 11:16:18 PM | Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying that we're all complaining that being single is bad. I'm simply saying that those who do always complain may be sabotoging their own relationships.
I think I tend to have the tendency to sometimes do it and I not only do it with romantic relationships. I personally do it with platonic ones too.
It's sometimes safer to push people away than to let them into our hearts/lives.
And, moon fish...Yes, that was me last year. Aren't I entitled to my mistakes? And, what does that have to do with this thread anyway? (find out facts before you go running your mouth/fingers)
Algy, I am guilty of those two myself | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/24/2007 12:02:14 AM | It took me me 24 years before I ever got into a relationship...
I still haven't finished any post secondary education... I've got about half way...
My life has been a series of blunders... but, those blunders are my cross to bear.
I've spent my life never getting out of first gear.
You know, it's interesting. I have a neighbor that I've become friends with and he is interested in starting a business - He was a co founder of another fairly successful sporting goods business that generated over a million in sales a year, but met a bad end because of Nike infringing on their patents - and he wants me to be a part of it. I am interested, but I told him that I am worried I might disappoint him... He told me that he likes just about everything about me... except for my lack of confidence.
That's not an uncommon theme in my life.
This lack of confidence has led me down a path of limbo in both my relationships and my general success. I don't fit most of the points in xodara's post... but, I definitely sabotage myself... and have been doing so since I was a child. It is unfortunate that is so... most of all for myself. Confidence is key in success... you need it in order to take risks... Life, if lived to the fullest, is a series of gambits.
Here's to all our gambits... whether desperate or calculated, may they pay off in the end.
As to being single... it is simply one state of a number of potential states a person can exist in. It is not inherently bad or good. It simply is. I do however think we are not in a current climate that fosters what it takes to truly persist and understand what it means to be in a relationship... People are very... selfish... or perhaps... focused on ourselves... at least, more so, I believe, then in other times in history. We all think we are special... we all think we are central to the movements of time and space.
In the mid and late 80's they started programs in public schools to foster the feeling that individually we are somehow incredibly special... this seems to have backfired. People my age are very fickle and fleeting of thought. There expectations of life - while noble - appear to be part of the problem.
Hey, I know. Let's all have doctors prescribe magical medications that will ease our ills and make us happy... yes... that's what the media tells us... and school... and work... and society. Yay! Problem solved...
the giggleparts - I'm high on life | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/24/2007 4:58:39 PM |
•Fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, e.g., helps fellow students write papers , but is unable to write his or her own
•Engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice
I confess, I can be guilty of these two as well. I don't know that it necessarily means I'm self-defeating; I'm a fairly optimistic person for the most part. After a lot of thought on the subject I think its just easier for me to worry about someone else and their problems, as it often keeps me from having to worry about solving my own issues. Sometimes I find myself drawn to a person who needs help, but I've learned too, the hard way of course, that you can't save people from themselves.
I've claimed before that I'm a much better person when I have someone in my life to be a better person for, and I've sometimes thought that perhaps feeling that way was a bit of a character flaw. But I guess it can be an asset too, at least when I'm involved with someone special. And when I'm not, well, recognizing your shortcomings is the first step in overcoming them. | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/25/2007 8:33:56 AM | Why is it when you are single you would even think that you are self-defeatists? If you can get along with your self, love who you are, like doing the things you do and don't mind being single you and everyone else seem to think something is wrong with you?
I'm not self-defeating, I just like being single. For the first time in my life I'm not under the parents wing, have no man or kids around and I'm having a blast!!
If the right man would come around that is great but I'm not out there chasing after one cause "I'm single and just need to have one around".
Get a grip, being single does not mean there is something wrong with you!!!! | |
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xodara
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Joined: 10/7/2006
Msg: 15 | |
| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/25/2007 10:08:19 AM | missouri gypsy...It appears that you may have only read the thread title and not the body of my OP.
You just go on and have a blast with yourself. Thanks for posting.
Happily Ever...
Excellent post. You're right...you can't save people from themselves. And, I'm guilty of that one too. But, sometimes I swear they find me! Would you consider yourself an escapist?
And, I have to wonder how many of those points in my OP someone would need to be guilty of to be labeled a self-defeatist? | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/25/2007 6:13:42 PM | i don't mind being single. there are nights when i'd love to have someone to snuggle up to, but the pets are good substitutes usually LOL.
who knows, i (we, you, he, she) could be single forever. so learn to like it. learn to make it work for you. you really don't know what the future will bring.
if you are single forever, are you going to be miserable? will you feel sorry for yourself? will you just be wasting your life? some people will....but not me!
my nana was alone, and single, for 30-some years. she found other ways to make her life fulfilling. she didn't need the company of a man. she travelled around the world, had very good friendships, spent time gardening and reading, quilting, etc. she was a fantastic lady with so much spirit - she made single life work for her. an inspiration to us all!
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 3/25/2007 7:20:39 PM | I have been guilty of being a self-defeatist at times but Im working on it! hey we're human...I dont want to spend my life alone ,but I dont want to settle JUST to have someone either..in the process of getting over a man...My life is full I have great support,family and friends and lots of love but that special someone would be soo nice also..Theres room for everyone!lol I really love my own company and yes the coming and going,the tv to myself etc.etc. but dang love the man that wants to share my life!!here's to being single!!I just hope it wont forever...I beleive in the forever after..till death and all that .. | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 4/11/2007 5:51:07 AM | surfing pof forums when we should be working...
Huh? Who would do such a terrible thing.. LOL
This is a very interesting thread.. First of all.. Even though I'm not single I have been all my life until about a couple months ago.. I can definitely relate to most of these symptoms.
•Rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help him or her
•Following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain ( e.g., an accident)
•Engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice
I remember when I got my PHD and everyone was congratulating me and I felt so guilty and uncomfortable. I never really understood the reason but just ignored it as my silly ability to over analyze things. I wonder if going to the military academy during high school had anything to do with this, LOL | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 8/16/2008 3:38:49 PM |
Why do people associate being single with being unhappy????
My reasons :
Absence of physical intimacy
Absence of emotional companionship
Always have to struggle to find a date for the events you buy two tickets for
Absence of someone to always talk to and share with.
Absence of someone to protect and feel safe with.
There is nothing wrong with being single.
Except for all of the above. | |
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| Tired of being single? Maybe we're all Self-Defeatists!
Posted: 8/16/2008 7:40:34 PM | | I think a couple of these points fit my life, but the majority would fit those I have dated in the past. I think we are all guilty of doing things to push the other person away, either consciously or subconsciously. I know I have without even realizing it before it's too late because I feel I am not deserving. All in all, it's all about everything happening for a reason and if you are not with someone in particular, it's because it wasn't meant to be in the first place. | |
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