| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 11:32:01 AM | I understand that women can be self-conceious, and well the one i'm talking to now seems to be very much so. She's expressed great intrest in meeting me soon and us getting to know one another, however whenever I bring it up, she always backs down, or just totally changes the subject after saying she's too shy.
She's hinted that her size is not what most people assume, and well I've seen a pic and I can tell she's no super model, however it's her lovely personality that's made me want to get to know her to begin with. I keep telling her I'm not some prize guy myself, and I have a lil extra meat on the bones myself, but she's always saying, nah you don't.
She's not the only woman that wants to meet me and get to know me more, but she's the one I'd rather take the chance with before anyone else, I'm starting to become impatient, what should I do? | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 11:35:21 AM | How much are you into her? How much CAN you be into her if you haven't met her?
Ya snooze, ya lose. If she is unwilling to meet, she is missing out. Why put your life on hold for her insecurities?
Personally I would let her know that you are attracted to HER, her being who she is, but that you can not, and will not, wait indefinately to meet her, and thereby learn to like a fantasy person. Put the ball in her court. She refuses to meet? You back off, move on. | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 11:38:01 AM | Lots of people on here never meet. Just move on.
She could have shown you a pic that is 10 years old, or a pic that isn't her.
Or, she...could be a he....havin some fun.
Bottom line, there's no point in this unless you meet in person. | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 11:44:16 AM | I think you need to be flat-out honest with her. I've been in her place - and it IS hard to arrange a meeting with someone that you really like if you're self-conscious. Its almost easier to never take the chance and remain "safe" rather than to take the plunge and risk getting hurt, or things not working out.
So, tell her that you're really into her, and that you want to meet her very much. Tell her she's first in your book. But also tell her that you have to take a chance as much as she does, and if she's not willing you're not going to be able to wait around forever.
Just be kind, and understanding when you talk to her about it. Ultimately, its her decision.
~Molly | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 12:35:39 PM | Show her this post....
I commend you for the being the type of man that digs a womans personality over her looks. On my old profile I had some pictures up that were as recent as they come...they were great pictures of me and everytime I would start talking to someone I felt kind of the same way...that maybe guys would be disappointed when they saw me in person. (Luckily all the guys I ever met in person said that the pictures didn't do me justice). That type of mentality comes from being with an a$$hole husband for 5 years that beat me down emotionally.
There is a lot that can be going on with her emotionally that you are unaware of. And that is something you need to ask yourself...are you willing to deal with her emotional 'baggage'?
I would just tell her how you feel...that you are into her, that you are willing to take a chance with her rather than other women and that if she is not even willing to meet you then you are going to have to move on. But, be gentle and kind about it. It sounds as if this girl has a major fear of you rejecting her...which if she has that fear that means that she likes you too. You wouldn't care if someone rejected you if you didn't like them.
Maybe ask her to send you some more pictures...full body shots and stuff like that.
Good luck in your search...
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 2:48:33 PM | Basically my advice is to not wait for her.
I've had female friends that will play games like that with guys they meet online for YEARS! Atleast one of them is now in a serious LTR and still is too shy to meet this one guy that really likes her just as a friend.
Best advice, is to lay it out there. Tell her this is the last time you're asking before you look at meeting someone else. If she doesn't step up... well I guess you have a new net friend.... and yeah, I have many of those that are going on a decade and none of them are willing to suck it up and go offline. *shrug* | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 4:27:59 PM | I hated meeting people, oh hell.. still hate to meet people. I had one guy say to me.. "wow... I've never been with someone your size before..." Man was I insulted. I know I'm not a beauty queen or super model... but I am still human and deserve to be treated nicely and with respect.
Just keep telling her that you are interested in meeting her and you don't care what her outward appearance is. It's what is inside her skull and behind her ribcage that counts. And when you DO meet her (optimism people, optimism!!), reinforce that you are attracted to her because of who she is. If you happen to find her physically appealing as well.. so much the better!! Tell her.. tell her often.. be sincere about it and don't do it to just get into her pants.. keep telling her. Eventually, in time, she will accept that other people see her differently then she sees herself. I have a hard time hearing and accepting compliments. My current man told me I was beautiful a couple of weekends ago... me.. messy hair, no makeup, tshirt and trackpants, barefeet, no jewellery... and my heart soared because HE thinks I'm beautiful. That's all that counts.
If you are serious about her being the one you want to take a chance on.. then you need to find a deep reserve of patience and go at her pace. Her walls might be thickand high, and it will take a little work, time and effort on your part to get past them. SOOOOOO worth it tho!!! | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 5:43:58 PM | I guess it all depends how long you have been talking about meeting. What might seem like a long time to you may not be the same to her. I am like her and take my time getting to know someone before I will ever meet them but I also don't expect the to sit around waiting for me. So at this point I don't think you need to put your life on hold for something that has no guarantee. Everyone has there own pace and I do understand she is the one you'd rather take the chance with but it still doesn't guarantee she is "the one". No harm in going out for a coffee or whatever with someone else but may I suggest letting her know in the nicest way what you wrote in this message. Let her know SHE is the only one you want to meet and Let her know you don't mean to pressure her but that you find her beautiful on the inside and that is what is most important to you. Let her know that you have been holding off going out with anyone else but feel she may not be that interested and a couple of woman would like to have coffee with you. But try to do you best not to make it sound like an ultimatium because it isn't..its just being honest and letting her know where you stand. I don't think you have anything to lose and perhaps it may just motivate her a little more. One more thing...ask her if she would be more comfortable if she brings a friend with her and maybe you could do the same? good luck.... | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 7:10:40 PM | She's struggling with her self-image from the sounds of it.
Also sounds like she's suffering with low self-esteem.
She might be a great girl, but she certainly isn't in a good mental state to be dating. She'll be very vulnerable in this condition.
Take the pressure off of her. Expect that there may be a chance she is heavier than her pics appear and is feeling very worried about what that might mean to you. She is trying to be honest but sounds terrified of rejection.
She's probably read through some of these fat bashing threads and it got to her. Can't say as I'd blame her with all the nasty things said about people who are over their goal weight.
Reassure her. Do your best to not pressure her and that you can still be friends if there is no chemistry. It sounds like she could use some sincere compliments and a friendly face.
Bring her into reality by being real with her. Ditch the sex talk or attraction talk for a while. Don't expect her to be a love goddess and don't go overboard with the compliments because that just puts more pressure on her to be the woman you fantasize her to be. | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 7:47:40 PM | | Lots of folks shouldn't meet too. Some do and wish they hadn't. Some things can only be learnt in person. Hang-out in the forums,e-mail those you choose too,meet those you just have to. Hopefully make some Friends but don't worry about how Friendly you might like to get. Hang-out,have some fun and you just never know. IT BE SPRING. More reason to enjoy our beautiful province and wonderful people. | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:04:42 PM | I must say this post touched me in the way he use his words. felt it
I think you should show her this post...You seem to realy like her for who she is on the inside . One sudgestion would be for both of you to get web cams...This brought some shyness out of me and when i go to meet now I know he knows what i really look like..Just one idea..You did not say how long you have been chatting to her??????
might make a difference. one week vs a year lol | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:07:53 PM | | she needs to get to know you (yourself) in person. some girls are too shy talking about it through a computer. get to know her by getting together. a date or 2 and her shyness will fade | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:37:28 PM | I just read your profile, and for a girl that isnt skinny it might be a bit intimidating, its nice that you are honest and you are an independant guy, but the way you word the fact that you have a fear of being really fat, it may make her feel not worthy enough for you. If i was looking at profiles and stumbled across yours, chances are Id think there would be no way someone like you would be into me, maybe she has that in her head and she doesnt know how to get over that. All you can do is let her know you think shes awesome and no matter what there will be a friendship there, let her know she has nothing to loose by meeting you.
let her know that you have other people that want to meet you, but shes the one you want to meet, it will make her feel special. Right now its all about you earning her trust cause chances are alot of guys have broke her trust and its left her very insecure. people tend to not repeat what made them feel bad, and if shes had a bad experience its gonna be hard for her to work up the courage again to take a chance. | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:41:16 PM | i withdraw my previous statement. now that i understand...
back to the big problem... lots of girls show that and it can get agravating.find an interest she has..
this is a girl where "wo should go out sometime" doesn't lure them
just means she wants to take it slow online first. if you really like this girl alot and you think she is a keeper, you should wait. UNLESS
she is still having shy problems a month down the road
don't smother her about it too | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:55:10 PM | RE: allaboutheforums ^^^
your not that fat. i don't think she would have any intimidation about your weight. i share your god given gift. its not fun but all i fear is a chair. having to have a custom designed extra wide motorized wheelchair to get around
i bike too  | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/22/2007 9:05:14 PM | There is too much pressure on a first meeting in my opinion.
Think to yourself, and tell her to think of it like you were old high school pals that haven't seen eachother in a long time. You're just getting together to catch up. It's not a date, it's a renunion. Two pals getting together to shoot the sh!t. Take some of the pressure off.
If nothing else, you've made yourself a new friend.
This way, if there really is some chemistry, you can throw everything else out the window.
It's worked for me. I was terrified the first time I went to meet someone. But as soon as I changed my mindset (just meeting an old friend), it was much more relaxing and real.
I was able to be myself, and not think about anything other than 'I'm hanging out with a buddy'.
Just another two cents. | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/23/2007 10:05:58 AM | Sorry it took me forever to reply.. All of you have some wonderful ideas, and I appricate the time and effort you've all taken to respond to me and give your positive feedback.
I guess the one thing that really caught my eye was the comment about my profile, and that I'm scared of being fat. I used to be really fat about 5 years ago, and I lost a good 80lbs one year, and it really boosted my self-esteem and confidence level.
However since I've kinda slendered out from my orginal size, I still am the same person and I know that a persons size doesn't matter. I suppose that my profile can be a lil intimidating, however I can be quite blunt and that's all I was trying to do it express myself to the point.
I do recall the first time she messaged me was because she loved my profile. We've already exchange cell phone #'s and text everyday. I'll have one at 5am from her as she's getting ready for work, and we'll text back and forth most of the day until almost midnight. I called her once and she didn't answer, so I left her a voicemail. I belive she liked that cause I got a POF message going about about how there's now a voice behind the name..
anyway I'm ranting cause I just woke up.. haha forgive me.  | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/23/2007 10:44:40 AM | She appears to be a kind person but it is evident she has issues with her appearance. You could hint at meeting at a coffee shop for a limited amount of time, perhaps only an hour to take some pressure off the meeting itself.
It is obvious that it will take some coaxing on your part to even get her to the point of meeting.
If you are very interested in her perhaps offer your cell number and it will build some comfort level there.
Sometimes if a conversation on the phone cannot be held or their is no etiquette then you will perhaps have another decision on your hands. At least speaking on the phone will break the ice a little bit.
Patience is a virtue my friend. and also a pain in the a......... | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/23/2007 10:51:42 AM | Revision
Apparently you have exchanged cell numbers but don't actually hear eachother's voices from what I was able to gather. You need to hear a human voice or all is lost in technology. It provides cover and a good way for her to hide still. Human contact is required here.
Set a time you can actually speak to her on the phone and no more text messaging. She can still remain masked.
An unveiling must begin. Pardon the pun..because I do have a veil on to conceal my own identity interesting eh>>>> I do reveal myself to those I am intereted in though. | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/23/2007 10:53:24 AM | I always think people who refuse to meet are hiding something, whether it's an old photo, a spouse, a fake photo, an addiction...who knows. For some people, the internet is a safe vehicle to meet people without being judged in person. You can become anyone online unfortunately and a lot of people are ''faking'' it online.
You can ask again for her to meet you. Lay it on the line, tell her you're interested in pursuing this further with her, but that if she is uncomfortable you are going to have to move on. Tell her you've been patient for her, but now is the time. Do it gently, not too much pressure. If she refuses, start breaking away, and moving on. She'll either come around and want to meet, or she'll find someone else willing to just chat | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/23/2007 4:40:45 PM | Element.
I do think you have a great profile, and it would definately catch someones eye. You're right, you probably do know how it feels to be treated differently cause of weight, and for that reason you know weight doesnt change a person. if she already had a low confidence level, it(your profile) may just be sitting in the back of her mind that she might be a disapointment to you, sometimes that is really really hard get out of our heads once its there. jokingly tell her that if she doesnt soon meet you then you're going to think shes some old perverted guy sitting in front of the computer....LOL and yes a web cam usually helps in this situation, suggest that to her. | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/24/2007 12:27:43 PM | The thing is, she never goes on MSN or anything like that, all of our convos have been strictly on POF or text messaging.. the IM thing i even disabled for her.
To add, she sent me a text saying she was having a bad day, and I was like alright, if you need to talk, I am here. Then I get a text late, around 5am, saying how she's not ready for any kind of commitment, and someone proved that to her just recently or something. Now I'm like okay confused much, cause I felt things were going well, we were talking daily, and there was really not much talk of us being a couple. The thought was there, but it wasn't our main focus, I just wanted to meet her and be her friend to start, and if it grew, it grew.
Now she's not replying to my messages on POF, and seems liek she has no desire to talk to me.. I don't get some women. | |
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| How patient should you be?
Posted: 3/24/2007 1:08:45 PM | dude...she is VERY self consious.
I have found in my experience...and I do not speak for everyone here, just in MY world......When I have met a woman who keeps saying those things...she is LARGE ( which is not a bad thing) and incredibly self consious ( which IS a bad thing)
I would simply say "OK...cantact me when you change your mind" and meet other people. afterall, it is just a meeting..it isnt like you are getting engaged. | |
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