| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/24/2007 9:06:34 AM | | I have an 18month old son, and his father just got a life sentence, I am wondering what I should tell my son when he is older and starts to ask about him. Do I tell him the truth or do I just say he is gone away? | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/24/2007 9:12:21 AM | | Tell him the truth, you're lucky he is so young, imagine if that happened when he was like 10 years old. He can't be let down at the age he is now. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/24/2007 9:28:31 AM | On the surface, I certainly would not tell the truth until the kid asks! Hopefully that won't be for years to come. If this guy received a life sentence he probably did something pretty awful- it's called protecting your child. At this age tell him nothing. This kid will eventually have to process what his biological father did, and he is far too young to do that.
This guy will never be a father to him, so I say keep him in the dark as long as possible and let him be a kid, and enjoy his life. Move on with your life, be a great mom, and by the time your child knows the real truth he will be old enough to handle what he finds out.
Again, don't bring it up - if he asks, then deal with it.
Can you tell us what the father did? Big difference too between murder one and skimming money off the top at his business.
I guess we would also need to kow if you and he arte married, if you remain in contact with him.
Do you have a support structure in place for YOU? You have a lot to deal with, I hope you have good people surrounding you to help you. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/24/2007 9:37:33 AM | We were not married, and the last time his father saw him was Novermeber 28th. His parents call all the time though. He is in for attempted manslaughter of one of his "friends". Also convicted on drug-dealing charges.
I have a lot of support around me. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/24/2007 9:40:03 AM | ^^^ sorry to hear that, but glad you have people around you. Sometimes as Moms we forget we have needs too and need comfort and support through difficult situations.
I hope your child never has to deal with someone like that. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/24/2007 2:04:54 PM | Don't volunteer the information, but when he asks... tell him the truth. His questions will be geared to his age level. Answer exactly what he asks and nothing more. In the beginning, his questions will be easy. As he ages, they will get more difficult and he eventually will want to know everything. When this happens... don't sugar coat it or embellish in any way.
Since you are in contact with your son's paternal grandparents, the questions may start sooner rather than later. Be sure that they don't tell him lies about their son that you will have to contradict later. Have you decided how you will handle it when your son's grandparents want to take him to visit his father in prison? Because that is a very good possibility!
There is no "truth in sentencing". He will very likely be free before your son becomes an adult. Be sure you have the information about when he comes up for parole hearings so that you won't be taken by surprise when he knocks on your door wanting to see his son.... and so that if it happens sooner than you thought possible, you will have your son prepared for it before they meet. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/24/2007 2:15:58 PM | | I have full custodya nd a restrainin order against him, so no fear ofhim showing up. Also as for his paternal grandparents, they also have very little to do with their son, as those who have read my previous posts about him know, he is a complete dead-beat. I would never allow my son to go to prison to see his father, until he is at an age (16) where he can fully understand and be prepared for the experience. The thing I am also worried about is, wha if he resents me for keeping him away from his father by not taking him to see him? I know this is a long way off as he is only 18mnths at the moment, but I also know it is a very likely possiblity. How should I react to it? | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/24/2007 2:16:56 PM | | I am not looking for my son to hate his father either, and I would never talk down about him in front of my son. Thought I would get it cleared up before it got brought up. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/24/2007 3:08:51 PM | You can't make decisions about your son's welfare based on what his reaction will be about it when he's older. You can only do the best you can to protect him. When he's mature enough, he will understand that!
All kids think their parents were not the "best" parents and sometimes think and say that their parents are/were horrible. When they are adults and see it through different eyes.... they almost always realize that they were wrong and that their parents did a pretty good job after all!
If you live day to day in a way that you will not regret, tomorrow will take care of itself. Your job is to love, shelter, protect and raise your son to be a productive/responsible/respected/self sufficient adult. As long as what you do is for his benefit and not for any selfish reason-- you can't go wrong.
You will be fine, and so will he. He has a mother that loves him and is already worried about doing the right thing for him long before the decisions have to be made. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/25/2007 2:39:42 AM | In may eyes It`s very simple, You can`nt lie to the kid or kids , A life sentence is a mighty long time to carry a lie. I know this for a fact my father spent 14 year in the joint and I was lied to for many year, When Ifound out what truly went down I was very bitter with thoughs who kept it from me, the simple fact is you have to give a person the chance to make their own thoughts and or conclutions about how they fill.
I don`nt know why or how he found himself in his fix, But don`t try to surgar it up. Just explain to your kid that their father had made a very bad disition and now he`s got to pay for his lack of judgement, Be sure to tell the boy that their father dose love him, If thats the case
later, Ed
p.s. Iwish u the best of luck on what ever choice you make!! | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/25/2007 7:43:09 AM | I believe every child needs the truth to anything that is going on.
Now the thing is the age of the child when he start's asking where his father is, I mean if he is 4 you arnt going to go and tell him "well your dad was a bad man and is now in jail for a very long time" right?? Cause he isnt going to understand exactly what jail is all he is going to understad is that his dad is a bad man and then he will grow to not like his father without even knowing him.
I think it has to be age appropriate like at first just tell him that his dad is not around and leave it at that, and then once he hits like 12-13 then tell him the full truth.
Just take it one step at a time. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/25/2007 8:41:03 AM | I would strongly suggest you seek profession advice on this issue.
All children above the age of toddler have an internal understanding that they are the product of 2 people, even if they havn't reached the age of learning the specifics of the ' birds and bees'
If half of what they are made of is considered bad or unworthwhile they internaly will feel this even if they outwardly don't display it . And it will effect there own sense of who they are.
Keeping your childs self esteem should be the highest priority and this issue has serious implications on that most important aspect of child development.
With the involvement of the inlaws you are into a triangulated relationship and the chances of a confused message being sent to your child are extremely high.
A true family theropist with a background in child development should be able to guide you through the prossess, hopefully all who are concerned about the child would put the childs interest above all else.
Keeping your childs self esteem in mind when you find yourself in private conversations around your friends within ear shot of your child as he grows up.
It hurts him to hear people talk bad about half of what he's made of, all single parents shoud adopt this attitude, Sadly many don't. | |
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MBMama
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Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 14 | |
| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/25/2007 10:13:12 AM | Always tell your son the truth.....doesn't change the fact that he's your son's father even though incarcerated, will always be your son's father.
Don't bad mouth him in front of your son Answer all questions he may have at a later date, truthfully and directly. Be as honest as possible always otherwise if you son finds out otherwise, may become resentful to you or not always tell you the whole truth.
Tell him that his dad will always love him no matter where he may be.
Love your son, respect yourself and your son and live every day to its fullest. DOn't hang onto negativity as it only hurts yourself.
Take care and best wishes. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/25/2007 7:40:17 PM | I have been dealing with the same issue for some time...my sons mother is incarcerated....has been for a few years
she took the wrong path after the divorce.
I was hard on him...not knowing where she was...he really doesn't remember much about her..only a few happy times in his head.
It used to bother him alot....he would see other kids with there moms and ask where his was......I avioded the answer for sometime...finally had to be honest with him....today he knows...we talk sometimes ...not of how bad she was...(for she never was to him...other than not seeing him much...but who am I to judge).....
H e actually took it better than I thought he would...not sure he truely understands...but as more questions arise we willl deal with them..
hope that helps | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/25/2007 9:12:08 PM | that one is a hard one.............
cus sorry if i'm harsh but the grandparents don't help none
cus when they visit or call they are gonna talk about there son .....his dad......... so in time the child is gonna ask where he is ? cus he hears everyone else talking about him ...................also its going to be harder on you when it keeps getting brought up again over and over ..................
but also the father does have rights to call home and talk to you's or u can go visit him i believe if he is close by then the child will be able to communicate with him if u choose him to see him in jail..............
this is a hard call and i wish u the best | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/26/2007 3:24:52 AM | | hiya, im chuck from ireland. my bro is in jail and hes got a wife and family too.The best thing to do is to tell ur kid is that his father is away on work experience, just to let him no were his father is, believe me it will put a lot of unnessary thinking to rest in the kids wee head.As he gets older he will want to no more and u will have to tell him the truth but as i think ur child is at a early age i really wouldnt let hin m no the truth. Its only at school and street activety that if ur child gets chastized and taunted that he wil get hurt and upset if he knows and the others no about his fathers wereabootz. hope i gave u sum help and relieve , its just for ur childs protection and life, always do wat ur heart tells u and dont let anything stop you from doin it. its ur life and ur childs life,, and believe me , who actually give a monkeys about my brother ur hubby???? only ourselves, so all my love ,, chuck from ireland xxx ps.. keep smiling in troubles coz troubles coz bubbles,and bubbles will soon blow all ur troubles away .. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/26/2007 1:07:29 PM | | I am not too worried about other people telling him, as we are moving to another province in June where no one will know us. Another thing I should add to the stroy.... say his father did get parole... should I allow contact.. he threatened if i left the province he would kill me, but if i got supervised visitation should I still allow my son to see him or would that cause more trouble than anything? I do not think thta he will get paroled but I need help on this matter. Thanks for everyone advice on all of this. I am still confused about how I will deal withit, I know I will tell himt he truth it's just when and how much. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 3/26/2007 1:48:58 PM | Your child needs to know with as much information that he can understand. At his age it might be that dad did some very bad things and he is being punished for them and then go from there. Don't lie to him, it will come back to bite you.
I would block any contact since you had to get a restraining order unless you are ordered by the court, then I would demand that it be supervised at a place other than your home.
Sounds like you are doing the best you can and really care about your child.
Best wishes for both of you. | |
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dsholt
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Joined: 11/30/2006
Msg: 20 | |
| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 7/15/2007 9:45:08 PM | I am in the same situation. First I did tell my son that his father is in jail and he isnt going to get out. Unfortunately for me my son thinks this is the best thing he has ever heard and tells everyone we meet. My son is only 4 and we talk about his daddy all the time, I told him his dad (child molester) is sick in his head and had to go to jail to get help but he is so sick he cant come home again. After many talks and making sure he understood he was not going to get sick like that he was ok with it but still tells all his friends and new teachers. It is hard on me to have to quiet him down and change the subject whenever this comes up and many times I have considered just telling him his father died to make it easier on me but I believe that honestly is best and I just know there would be bad consequences for our relationship later on if I lied to him and he found out. It is better to tell the truth even if I have to put up with some minor embarrassment ocassionally. Will save us a lot of therapy later on. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 7/16/2007 2:19:00 PM | | Tell him the truth when he asks. If he has a hard time with the truth then get him the help he needs to deal with it. No matter what, do not lie, your son will eventually find out one way or another and I am sure he would have a lot easier time dealing with the truth than knowing his mother lied to him. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 7/16/2007 3:10:28 PM | No matter what... tell the truth. Yes when your son is younger say now-5 years old be vague but honest. A child isn't going to understand exactly why his father is gone but explaining age-appropriately will help. Once you feel that your son is mature enough to know what really happened then be more specific when answering his questions. I think that you will be suprised when he starts asking questions about his dad, they will be just as vague as your answers. What will matter to your son is you... the person that loves him and takes care of him on a daily basis.
FYI: My son's dad chose not to be involved in his life and because of the kind of person that he is I did not preasure him. It has been 4 years since my son has seen his father and while I do get some questions I answer them as honestly as I can without confusing him. He is 7 years olds now and I am betting that he is going to be asking soon "why doesn't my dad love me?" While these questions hurt like h*** to answer you have to be honest. Your child will appriciate it later in life!
Good luck! | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 7/16/2007 5:14:43 PM | | better to come from you then the papers or someone else. Just keep it simple, and say that if he wants to talk to him later on when he's older then he can. If he has a violent past with you, I wouldn't offer to let him see the son unless it's supervised and it's public. My opinion is he lost rights as soon as he commited crime, I'd consider the same thing with him losing rights to be a father, since he has shown violence to you. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 7/16/2007 5:50:43 PM | You said the paternal grandparents don't have much to do with their son but is there any way that you can allow them to stay in the picture without detrimental effects to your son?
That way you won't be all alone in another province and perhaps over time both sides of your child's family can be a part of his life. Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way I know.
But I was just wondering. It's not to benefit your ex that I suggest this but rather to give your child as large and as secure an early childhood as possible. It's those first seven years of life and the experiences contained there-in that influence a child the most. | |
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| Father in jail; what to tell son?
Posted: 10/13/2007 2:41:18 PM | | I would tell him the truth at about age 8...That is when many children's minds start to realize the real truth of the matter. Now--just say Daddy is away from a very long time | |
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