| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/29/2007 1:10:41 PM | | I have a question and I am at a loss as for what to do here. First a little history. My father molested me when I was a small child. Later (after I was already an adult) he was arrested for molesting a young boy. I still have a relationship with my father but I have never left my children alone with him....never even walked out of a room for a second with him there. If he comes to my house I won't even go to the bathroom until he leaves. I never changed one of their diapers in front of him, etc. This has worked out alright until now. My kids are getting older and they are starting to ask questions. "Why CAN'T we stay at Grandpa's house", etc. Today we had a picnic at the park with my kids and my mother and father. One of the boys needed to use the restroom and I was busy with something else. I told him to wait. My father said I will take him. I said NO, he will wait until I am finished, he does not need to go that bad. Now I have the questions on that.....why couldn't you just let grandpa take me instead of making me wait. I just don't know what to tell them anymore. I have tried saying that he is old and I just don't feel comfortable, none of it works and they KNOW that really isn't the reason. Has anyone else had an issue like this and if so, how did you handle it? | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/29/2007 1:39:20 PM | Sweetie...you will NEVER trust this man who is your father, enough to have your children alone with him!! So be HONEST, using language geared at their age levels and tell them why. (Why would you protect him, anyway?!)
This way, not only will your children understand, they will also be safer.
I give you kudos...I could NEVER forgive someone to the level that I still interacted, spoke with, and allowed my children around them after molesting myself and others! Why is he out on the streets and not behind bars?? Has he been "rehabilitated? " | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/29/2007 2:08:40 PM | Oh.....trust me when I say that I do this (by "this" I mean still speaking to him) more for myself than for anyone. I avoid hate whenever I can.....I know he is sick. He was abused as a child (though I don't believe sexually, he was abused) and I know what abuse does. I was pretty twisted for a long time, but I took it out on myself, not innocent victims.
Why he is out on the streets? I can't answer that. He served one year for abusing the boy. One year. I felt sickened by that. And, he feels no guilt for what he did. The funny thing (funny?) I don't think he thinks I remember what he did to me. Honestly, I don't think any child molester CAN be rehabilitated. Even if one claimed to be I would never trust them.
But, by not telling them, I feel that I am protecting myself and them, not him. They know there are bad people, they know not to ever let ANYONE touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. What they DON'T know is that the grandpa they love is one of the bad guys. I know there will never be a time they are alone with him so I don't feel like I HAVE to protect them from him any more than I am. I just wish there was some way for them to not question me without having to hurt THEM that way. He is 72....won't be around forever, I feel like I am just biding my time until I don't have to worry about it anymore. I have always been totally honest with my kids about everything, this is just one area I CAN'T make myself come clean. :( | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/29/2007 4:23:40 PM | | Can't you tell them about him without using yourself as the example? What about the boy he abused? You could use that example of what he did.... | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/29/2007 4:39:36 PM | Yes, that was something I had thought of.......however, the main issue is that I don't particularly want them knowing if it can be avoided. As I said, he won't be around forever. When he went to jail for the boy, my oldest nephew was about 10 or so. It was horrible. This is a very small town (fortuantely I had not been back to it until very recently) and EVERYONE knew. Children at school made his life a living hell because his grandpa was a sicko........
It is just hard. While I have to protect them physically, I have to protect them emotionally, also. The attitude of people in this area toward the families of people like my father amaze me........I do not want my children to live in fear that their friends will find out somehow........I wish I could explain it to where it makes sense.
I do appreciate those who have given advice. :)  Thank you. And If anyone else decides the appropriate thing to do is private message me and insult me, basically calling me a negligent parent.....please don't. I have lived with this for a lifetime and do the absolute best I can to protect my own children. If you choose to insult me, do it publicly so you at least show what kind of person you are. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/29/2007 5:34:22 PM | | that is a tough situation and i can compltely understand not feeling comfortable. i agree with using the age appropiate method about the other boy he molested,there will be questions,and they may ask him some of them when they see him. | |
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JMW*
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Joined: 1/14/2007
Msg: 7 | |
| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/29/2007 6:06:06 PM | Sorry darling but your father is a sexual preditor.
You try to keep your kids safe, but your only fooling yourself.
Time to discuss safety with the kids.....and time for them to know if anyone including grandpa ever touches them where a bathing suit covers (good guideline) then they are to tell mommy right away even if the person says no one will believe them, threatens them, or any other form of intimidation.
The sooner you have this conversation....geared to their age level the sooner your doing your job as a mom.
Quit protecting your father. You should be reporting him for the abuse he caused you.
Stop making excuses, quit being the victim, and stand up for what is right and get your dignity and self respect back. No point in living in fear. With your luck he will be one sick **stard that lives to 100.
Either way he belongs in jail. | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/29/2007 6:09:07 PM | | JEEZUSHCHRIST!!!!!!!! I appreciate what you are trying to do here, JMW....but READ what I wrote!!!! I HAVE had this talk with my children.....I AM doing my job as a mother...thank you for the insult, btw.....and they KNOW this information!!! The only thing they DON'T KNOW is their grandfather is ONE OF THEM!!!!! | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/29/2007 6:30:28 PM | Ok - I think the best thing for you here, is put this to rest. Only you can stop this torment and prevent from passing this over to your children. You need to stop it (by this I mean the anger, thoughts, pressures, feelings, etc) and if you can't on your own cause after having suffered the way you did - it's a miracle anyone could (and yes - that would mean you are a miracle)...You're a surviver...
But for your sanity, and the sanity of your children, let it go...there is no trust to be had and there will never be. You must close that door and knowingly moving on with your life having done the "best" you can. The world is not perfect - by far...no one is perfect.
You must continue to teach your children the proper values in life and hang on to all the love you have in your heart and pass it on to them.
You have a right to move on and if it means going to the moon and back - do it....cause as a momma (as wonderful as mom's are) it's a tough job and God has given you the power to get it done....Positive energies and love....onward and upward...but one bit of advice that my girlfriend tought me is "Breathe in....Breathe out...One Day at a Time", it's all you can do....never mind yesterday and remember there can always be a better tomorrow.
Hope this helps, God Bless You! | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/29/2007 6:35:57 PM | If I understand correctly grandpa was arrested for child molestation therefore be truthful enough age appropriate ofcourse but here in canada if you are a sexual offender you enter a registry and therefore in most cases ordered upon release not to be left alone with a child, so you could just tell your kids grandpa did a bad thing and was punished and part of his terms are to not be alone with a minor.
You don't need to turn them against the grandpa that they love but you will still need to keep answering hard questions.
Perhaps it's time to talk to your dad and set your ground rules including his 100% support of whatever you say goes with regards to your kids and him ever being alone with them will not happen period. My heart goes out to you best of luck. | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/29/2007 6:55:47 PM | You don't say how old your children are. I think that if they want to know why they can't go to granddad's house, they are old enough to know why. It doesn't have to be detailed, just that he is a bad person - and don't say he isn't because he is....I am sick of hearing about sexual molesters who are "good" because they have a job, have a home, and go to church or whatever.
I think that you are trying to overcome your molestation by seeing your father, but how are you going to feel if he does get his hands (and whatever) on your kids. I think you are sending mixed messages to the kids by having them on picnics with the old man then won't let them go home to play with him. Please limit your contact with him for your kids sake.
Best wishes. | |
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ladii
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Joined: 3/13/2007
Msg: 12 | |
| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/29/2007 6:56:17 PM | Sorry, I couldn't read all of the responses so I apologize if I'm repeating anything. I think it's unfortunate that you weren't honest with your children about grandpa but I can understand why you didn't - and can relate. My concern for them now is with the rumors that are circulating around your town. Under these circumstances, your children are bound to find out and once they're older, they may even investigate it themselves. How would you feel then when they discovered that their mother has kept such a dark secret that she lied to cover the truth? What do you tell them when their peers are calling grandpa 'sicko'?
It's your call and I can understand your reasoning regardless on what you decide to do.
My advice to you now is to limit contact with grandpa. He's getting older now so maybe this problem will come to an end soon. Then again, it's men like these that live to the age of a hunderd. Go figure. If they're wanting to visit grandpa on their own (as they get older), maybe you can discourage them by talking about 'old age' issues. Does he have health concerns you can embellish?
I'm actually surprised grandma is still with him.
Also, you may want to talk to them about who and what sexual predators look like - how they can be family members and people we trust. I know you've talked to them already but I'm not sure to what extent. | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/29/2007 6:56:39 PM | OP~
Don't protect that man...tell your children the truth. They deserve to be safe. THat monster doesn't deserve the mercy of your silence.
God bless you. | |
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ladii
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Joined: 3/13/2007
Msg: 14 | |
| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/29/2007 7:08:22 PM | I know he is sick. He was abused as a child (though I don't believe sexually, he was abused) and I know what abuse does. I was pretty twisted for a long time, but I took it out on myself, not innocent victims.
He may of been abused as a child but as an adult he had a choice. He chose to molest children. We need to be responsible for our own actions and if that means to seek counselling to help overcome a tragic event to prevent the cycle from continuing, then that's what we need to do.
You were abused as a child as well. Does this give you the right to abuse others? Are you treading that path yourself? Somehow I doubt it. Remember, your father's defense is only an excuse and you deserve a better answer than that. Don't treat him as a victim. Most of us have had a taste of being victimized at one point in our lives, in varying degrees. What are we going to do - rise above it or let it swallow us whole?
I don't mean any disrespect to you. You can PM me anytime. | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/29/2007 7:09:03 PM | Oh, my mother is not still with him. They haven't been together since I was about 18. However, they do have contact and sometimes, if we are doing family stuff, he is there too. She didn't even know what he had done to me until about two years ago. She took in her twin great neices to raise.......she is naive enough that she actually was going to leave him alone with them because "it was a boy he molested, not a girl"....I then told her. I won't and don't hide it when it involves the safety of someone else. My children are 9, 7, and 5. There are no more rumors now, that was years ago, and we were gone during that time (living in alaska most of it). We will most likely not live in this area much longer either. It is dependent on where my husband is stationed next, but we may very well move far away again. I have never once kept quiet to protect HIM. As far as the children blaming me for keepig such a dark secret, I don't think they would blame me. My kids and I talk very open about everything. They know me and I know them. When or if it ever comes to them finding out some other way, we will sit down then and I will let them know why I couldn't tell them and also let them know what all was done to protect them from him. Honestly, there is not even a tiny chance of him EVER getting alone with my kids. It is not a possibility. If it was, I would pack up and move tomorrow.
You were abused as a child as well. Does this give you the right to abuse others? Are you treading that path yourself? Somehow I doubt it. I answered that in exactly the same sentence you quoted from me. | |
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ladii
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Joined: 3/13/2007
Msg: 16 | |
| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/29/2007 7:14:55 PM | Well it's a tough call, I agree. I guess I would hope for that move myself and I'm glad the rumours have settled. As for your comment to the quote, I understand that but the difference between you and your father is that you didn't deal with your issues against anyone but yourself. You are your own right and in charge of yourself. Your father on the other hand, had no right to impose on innocent victims. That's the difference.
Best of luck to you and I hope things work out for the best. | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/29/2007 7:37:49 PM | Hey girl, long time no see! Sorry to hear you went through and are going through this. I think if it were me, I'd tell my boys something like "well you know how we can't trust strangers and people we don't know very well, that includes Grandpas sometimes too". Make it an 'end of story' type statement.
I don't know if that would be good enough for them, they sound very inquisitive, and that does say something about your relationship with them, and how open you've always been with them. How often does this kind of situation happen? If it's once every couple of months, something like that statement above might be ok. I know sometimes when my kids asked things about their father that I could not give age appropriate repsonses to, I would come up with something like that and then say 'and that's all you really need to know right now'. (Luckily that worked most of the time...kids instinctually know when too much info is too much I think).
Best of luck to you on this one. I know you're a good Mommy who loves her kids with all her heart. | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/29/2007 9:53:10 PM | To the OP:
I can relate to you 100% ...
Without me getting into to much detail on my situation let me just say that i also had a child that was around the man who abused me ...
And just like you, i never left them alone together and never changed diapers in front of him all that stuff ..
I dont have any answers for you because he died when my child was only 3 ...
but you did say one thing i one of your post that makes sense to me ... he is 72yrs old , if i were you i would just try to play it off with your kids for a few more yrs. Continue telling them that he is old and u dont want to bother him.
Perhaps u can talk to him and tell him u dont want him doing or asking to do certain things with your children .. this way you at least wont be in uncomfortable situations anymore
I completly understand you not wanting your children to know the type of grandfather they have. And i also agree that they shouldnt.
i wish you must luck in this
Luv | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/30/2007 4:23:07 AM | sweet_fishy:
he has been convicted and is a registered sex offender, correct? so doesnt this mean that he is restricted to not being around children alone? if so, lets put the burden where it belongs - on him! I dont know at what level you can discuss this with him - probably cant openly - but if you could, I would suggest saying to him ' next time my kids ask, YOU tell them they cant"
If that wont work, a variation is that you tell kids 'grampa is not allowed to be alone wiht kids..or is not allowed to have kids overnight'
if I were in your shoes, a large part of me would be wanting to just 'ride it out' til he dies- I would find laying it all out there to be pointless and mess - let sleeping dogs lie.
Does his current wife know his past? perhaps she can become your ally in this
Best of Luck to you | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/30/2007 8:09:10 AM | | i happen to agree with misskk and definitely with honest nice guy. this is a very tough situation to be in but it's completely under your control. if he's been convicted of a sex crime, why is he being allowed anywhere near children, supervised or not? i would be very honest with my children and not protect the molester, anything less would be irresponsible on a mother's part. you don't have any obligation to your father anymore, it's your children you are obligated to protect. you can simply answer their questions by telling them that grandpa has done some bad things in his life and you do not believe it would be safe for them to spend time alone with him for any reason, ever! let grandpa explain his dirty deeds if your children ask him and you're too afraid to tell them the truth. quite frankly, they'd probably rather here it from you and i would tell them the truth in an age appropriate manner. they're going to find out one day... you did say this all happened in a small town and everyone knows about it anyway... they'll know one day. better it come from you than perfect strangers down the line. | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/30/2007 8:48:17 AM | I don't think that "wait till he dies" is a very good answer in this case. Especially since he is almost your next of kin. (I don't know the details of what other family members there are . . . .)
What if you die? What if you and your husband both die? What if you and your husband and your mother all three die? Just because you are young and he is old doesn't mean that you will always be around to protect your children from him.
You need to make sure that all the adults in your family understand what you expect and why. Your mother at the very least, should know 1) that you don't want him to have time alone with your kids, EVER. 2) because he molested yourself and others habitually.
Every single adult in your "chain of inheritance" of your kids should be aware of this fact. Do you have a will? Include a specific prohibition of any kind of visitation or rights for your father.
You might not always be there to keep this little secret all wrapped up in a bow without hurting anyone's feelings.
As for telling the kids, I think it is appropriate to tell them "Grandpa does not take good care of children, he is not a good babysitter. We can't rely on him to watch out for you carefully, so we don't let him take you alone, ever."
Take care of yourself, family counseling could be very helpful, they might have better suggestions than us know-it-alls on the board :):) | |
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| SEXUAL PREDITORS
Posted: 3/30/2007 9:24:00 AM | than us know-it-alls on the board :):)
I resemble that remark!!! | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/30/2007 9:29:26 AM | First of all...SHAME ON anyone being ignorant enough to insult you! You are in a situation that only those who have been in similar, can possibly comprehend...no one has the right to judge you!
You did say something about protecting your kids emotionally....avoiding having them feel like the nephew did?? That made me think....what if the kids discovered this through some other means? Take my word...it DOES unveil it's ugly head when you least expect. The kids would probably much rather hear it from YOU, than some other person who most likely will not be explaining it nicely!
Best of luck in your decisions and choices! | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/30/2007 10:13:48 AM | | I want to say first, you are doing the right thing, protecting your children. I am glad you finally told ages. They are in a bad age... too young to really want to hurt their view of the world... but old enough to be told. I never let my daughter spend time with her grandmother alone, until the divorce with my ex. Now, I don't have any control in that department. While she is not an abuser, she has had husbands that were, and has allowed things to occur, and tried to cover it up. I can appreciate your position. It is a tough one. I wish you lots of luck in it. It isn't always easy to do what is right. :-( | |
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| Desperately need advice.........
Posted: 3/30/2007 10:46:24 AM | Sorry about how this is going to sound, but why do you have any kind of relationship with this person, yourself that is?
There is no way on earth that he will ever be able to fulfill his parental obligation to you (emotionally he was evil) & now that he has a record for pedophilia (sorry, this is the worst thing an adult can do to a kid, except for kill someone), there is no way he can give your kids any kind of good example or fulfill their needs.
Both you & your kids would be better off with phasing this creature out of your lives.
My friend had an experiece like yours, she was molested by her father & he was arrested for it when his then wife turned him in. He convinced he then wife to leave the country & live where he could not be extradited to face the charges & went onto having 5 kids with her. The molestation continued with other girls (this guy got his first girlfriend pregnant at 14, married her at 18 & she had 5 kids with him by 21, he did the same with his next one, found her at 16 etc) & 15 years later my friend decided she wanted him in her life (she had 2 boys). She contacted him overseas & they corresponded, making plans to visit & reconnect. After about a year of this longdistance relating, as plans were made to visit the following summer with her boys she got a call from his new wife's parents (her step mother that was younger than her) that he had stabbed her 21 times because she was trying to take their kids & run..........she lived & the reason for the drama? The naive wife found out of years of molestation happening to his daughters.........
Once someone has this problem it NEVER gets better. There is no hope for gramps & your kids do not need to suffer at his hands. You do not need to suffer emotionally at his hands either. Remember, he will want to groom those kids of yours so you have to realize that he will be peppering their minds with a 'desire' to go & stay with him, he will be manipulating them so YOU must protect them.
You should also be getting some help to cut those ties, it's not necessary to have biological parents or grandparents in a child's life, a sensible & caring parent (which you seem to be) can find good alternatives as role models for your kids.
Please take care of yourself & your children & don't let anyone else get hurt. When a child gets molested it will scar them for live, don't let it happen again.
You also have to realize that your mother likely has her head in the sand & is in complete denial so she cannot be of assistance to you. You have to take some tough action & it's not going to be easy, you have to say adios to your relationship with yoru parents as you know it, perhaps just meet with mom for fun at the park with the kids & limit your lunch with your molester pops to yourself & LEAVE THE KIDS AT HOME.
Good luck!
A
(& what to tell the kids? You are the adult here, you don't need to offer an explanation all the time. It's not "don't do that , ok?" , it's: "Don't do that. period", "but mom, why not? My friend gets to do....." -How about: "because I said so, period, end of story."
Don't engage in the discussion, you are the adult, this is adult stuff that kids have no need to know (they can be told when they can process the info, lets say when they are in their 20's??). Grow a spine (I'm not insulting you, I'm sure your spine is good & strong & straight!), just don't feel you need to justify it, some things are for adults only.)
(Do yourself a favor & google 'guided imagery for ptsd, belleruth naperstak (SP?), she used her cd's to get over the trauma of having been molested & this is the only thing that worked, it's easy & cheap & you don't have to leave your home to do it. The results were amazing in a very short time.) | |
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