| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/3/2007 8:18:26 PM | I was just wondering if any one else is in the same position as I am. My b/f died before i gave birth to our son (now age 4). I have only dated one man since this and that didn't last. The only male influence my son has is my father ( his grandfather). Lately he has started asking all kinds of questions about his father and i have always told me his father is in heaven with the angels. But now he is asking for a new daddy.
I don't want to date someone just so my son will have a father, but i would like some advice on how to handle the questions.
My son has only seen pics of his father and sees all of his friends with there fathers. this makes it really hard on him. I would like to believe that he is a well rounded 4 yr old but can't help but think he is missing out.
Any advice is welcome! Thanks | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/3/2007 9:03:21 PM | I am a widowed parent of 3 and my kids father committed sucided 5 years ago. I decided to leave their daddy when my youngest was only less then a year due to their fathers drinking and abuse. So yes, I am in the same boat as you are as far as the questions..but as I have learned in the past 5 years is to always be honest. I've learned that you need a lot of patience and a lot of understanding. My children are much older and its odd that I read this post today for I had to answer my 16 yr (boys) question about "when is it right to have sex with his gf"? Even though I have talked with him numberous of times about this subject it still is not easy for I get embarrassed pretty easy (oddly enough). But we both just sat down and re -opened the lines of communication with understanding and listening on both parts, and in the end we both felt good about the talk and we both had a better understanding and for my son a new perspective on the subject at hand.
I guess what I am trying to tell you is simply just trust in yourself, really listen to your child, answer honestly, if you don't have an answer right away tell him you will find the honest one, and will talk with him more about it, then when you do feel you have the right and honest answer always go back and talk with him. Children look to us for love and guidance as we all know, and as a parent we don't always have the right answer or a simple fix to a problem or issues...after all children don't come with instruction manules and lets face it...our parents taught us well but times are changing and what worked then for them, may not always be what will work for us now. My kids have a picture of their daddy and we talk about him (always good) all the time. It's never easy to suffer a loss of a loved one, and just like your son my youngest doesn't have any memories of his daddy. I encourage my children to talk to their daddy through prayer or just thoughts...(not going to get all religious here), but its away they feel they can stay connected with him. My younest and I go over memories I have of their daddy and it makes him smile, to know things like what his dad like to do, or what his favorite food, or color was....just the simple things to get to know him...even though it doesn't by anymeans its not the same as having him here, but through you he can learn about his dad and through you he can love his dad as you do. It will never cure the pain in his heart, or even come close to satisifying all his questions, but it will let him know that he was truely loved by his father.
As my 16 yr old told me today "mom, I always talk to dad at night and ask him about my gf, and he gives me feed back". For you see we too always have questions as to "why" but we will never know at least not while we are here on this Earth.
One day Mr. Right will be in your life for you and your son...as someday I will be just as lucky too..smiles. Yet until then just love your son unconditionaly as a parent would, trust in yourself, and really listen to your child. They all just need a lot of love, re-assurance, understanding, and someone who will really listen. I hope this helps.....
Angel... | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/4/2007 12:35:38 AM | Hang in there girl and not just anybody is a good parent. My youngest was only three when his father died and he does not recall him at all. Yes it can be a little tough on them but both my sons turned out real well. Be very cautious about letting someone into his life unless you are certain that they will be around a long time and a good influence otherwise it can be even more damaging. grand fathers are a great help if your dad can be keep him involved and hopefully they could have just guy time together. One thing that was helpful for me was a friends husband that showed interest and had his own son so they would do things together just the three of them. big Brothers can also be good. How about the sports thing baseball is usually a good male connection for the youngsters. Dont worry you will know what to say and do some days will be a little tougher then others but your love will give him a wonderful start in life. I will be thinking about you have faith it will all work out some how.
BIG HUGS TO YOU WILDCAT | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/4/2007 6:51:40 AM | my mother died when i was 9 - many moons ago. my dad remarried years later but it didnt replace my mom.
If you find a man that loves you and you love - great but DO NOT go looking for a Dad for your son - you and the man need to happy together - for your sakes - doing it to get your son a dad will cloud your thinking/feeling. all you can do is love him | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/4/2007 11:20:50 AM | Sorry for your heartache :(
My ex fiance went through this too... 6 years ago on valentine's day his wife passed away of a freak heartattack... left him a single father of a then 7 week old lil girl....
He never did deal with the loss, just made it a way of life.... he told his daughter exactly what you have, that dad/ mom is in heaven... and any questions she asked were always answered truthfully and stories are even still being told.
You will be fine :) Just live for your son and when the right guy is meant to come along he will :) | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/4/2007 6:03:20 PM | | Hi.. my condolances on the loss of your partner. My husband died at a young age from cancer. I was left with 2 children ages 2 and 5.. It was extremely difficult at first with the questions.. and the fears.. Kids have a hard time understanding death as it is something they cant see.. I showed my children the brightest star in the sky and told them that was their Daddys star watching over them. It made them feel more safe and secure knowing that Daddy was right there for them to see and talk to.. Now they are 11 and 14 and are very well adjusted children. Liked by everyone they meet. I have to say I did a pretty good job with them... to make the loss easier to bear..and reasuring them that we would be ok... I always keep a picture of him on my fridge for the kids to see and remember.. it was an extremely hard road.. but we made it.... It was 9 years ago.. March 31. ..I enrolled my son in Boyscouts to enable him to do all the guy things that he is missing out on.. it has done a world of good to have the male influence in his life. The leaders are there for the kids.. and I feel they have helped me along the way...We still have our moments of wondering why.. but we are doing ok.. I hope the best for you as well. | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/4/2007 9:36:00 PM | I know what you are going through as my wife passed away 4 years ago. They will always ask questions, just answer them truthfully (they are smarter than we realize) and bottom line is yes they are missing out and its really a shame. I always ask myself why it wasn't me as I know the mother is the greater role model for children.
Never rush into anyone just to try to "fix" things as it will end up worse than before. Keep your head up and your options open your eyes clear and live your life the best that you can he will learn his own life skills from that. | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/6/2007 11:03:34 AM | | My husband, the father of my 2 kids died when they were 3 and 5. It is very hard but there is all kinds of help out there. Big brothers is fantastic. If you contact grief councelling they have all the right answers for any questions that your kids may ask. It has been 9 years for me now and it is easier now. Good luck, it takes a lot of work and it is not easy. | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/6/2007 7:27:31 PM | | So much emotion going on here. I am a widower of 10 years now, My daughter was 3 years old and my son 8 months old when thier mother passed away. Being in my late 20's I was so unprepared for that challenge. My daughter so depseratly wants me to find a wife so she can have a mohter to share the "girly" things with. (Trust me SO do I) My son has no recolection of his mother but knows that there needs to be one in his life and he is supportive of my dating tryin to find someone. Understanding my inabilities as a DAD to be a MOM I surround my daughter with quality "Lady" friends that have been in my life for years and they are a HUGE help to me in that area. (I often send them to spas and dinners on my dime for helping me, now I know that's not why they help but it's one way I feel I can repay them for the delicate assistance they give) I often take daddy daughter dates and father son activities to of set the void a mother is in our family. (which I would do with a mother anyway) But my support to you would be to (as already stated) surround your children with quality MEN that they can bounce Ideas off of and see how a MAN should act. When a trial or challenge comes up with my daughter I even call on those ladies to help ME! and what a wonderful support they are. I hope that helps. | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/8/2007 10:34:47 AM | | i lost my sons father when i was 3 months pregnant with him. what i find is hard is i have an older child who actually got to spend time with my sons father and knows little of him and had fun with him. sometimes i wonder if my son is going to resent her for having that time with him that he will never have. the other thing is i was only with his father for 5 months before he passed away, and his fathers brother who is the only family still areound to tell him anything he needs to know about his father wants nothing to do with him. i find it really hard to accept that people can be that way aobut there own family members. my son is now 1 and a half and has taken a big attatchment ot my father. i wish i knew people that would babysitt so i couldhave some fun time and have a date once and a while, instead of my parents. | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/9/2007 7:02:40 PM | Thank you for all your replies. I find it comforting to know that other people are in the same situation and i am not alone. When my son's father passes away i was 3 months pregnant and raising his 8 year old, now my step son is 13 and my son is 4. My step son is great with my 4 year old but still finds it hard to talk about their father. He is ADHD, ODD, and OCD so although he is good with my son he has alot of problems. SS had provided a one on one counsellor for him but it is only once a week for 45 mins and that is when he decides to show up.
Anyway thank you again and my heart goes out to all the single parents raising their kids alone. It is a very hard but rewarding job. | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/9/2007 7:34:58 PM | | Well,thank YOU....for sharing that special thing with US...we all have close ones that passed before their time. I think about my best friend that past away at 44 in 2002 and left an 8yr old son...it was hard for me to accept his wife getting remarried a year later,but I really can't blame her. Her son needed a "Dad" whether it be a step father or not. I hope the best for you and your kids and just remember...that is why we are all on her to meet and try to find someone with like things in common...so you have a good selection of Dad here,look around friend. | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/9/2007 7:47:13 PM | | Im now a single mother we were togeather for three year we broke up in october2007and he died with his partner Decenber 142007 and i was wondering how to over come this pain and how to go on to be the best mom i have never lost someone so special and the horific accident i see every day | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/9/2007 8:12:04 PM | Death is never easy, I was 19 when my mom died and because her death remains a mystery to this day it has always been hard, foul play was suspected but never actually proven.
There is no age that this is easy at, but I will say that with love from at least one parent or some sort of support system kids will adjust and more often then not, become great people. Just allow them to remember, and miss, keep pictures around for them but understand too that it might take time to even look at them, everyone is different and their needs are too. Life never gives us more then we can handle and although I realize those words likely give little comfort, everything in life happens for a reason, and I learned that the day I got news of her death.
Time is the only healer and it really does help, just don't rush as with anything, everyone is different.
Take Care. | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/9/2007 9:44:22 PM | I don't know if this will be helpful to any of you but here goes anyways........I was widowed seven years ago, our kids were 6 and 2 at the time. Our now 13 year old has some recollection of 'dad' but our now 9 year old does not. After scrambling my brain for something special the kids could do with each other, feeling an equal connection with 'dad' even after he was gone, was to get red balloons, let the kids attach a picture they drew or colored at school to the balloon and release it up to 'daddy'. Needless to say, my kids still do this on father's day, dad's birthday, valentines day, you name it we do it. We have established our special spot to release them. We all kiss the balloon before the kids each release their balloons and to hear my kids saying "here they come daddy....catch them" as the balloons ascend higher and higher until they're eventually out of sight, is heartwarming beyond words. It has not only helped us heal and bring us comfort, but the kids feel a connection with their dad by simply releasing balloons to heaven.
Take Care All...... | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/9/2007 10:14:23 PM | Big Brothers for a male influence?
And you are absolutely right not to just snag the next available man for your sons sake. By waitting and having only real "real" relationships you will be showing him by example how couples really are or should be. So you are giving him what he NEEDS instead of what he WANTS. Way to go good mom not falling into the "best friend" instead of parent thing that some do.
Best of luck | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/9/2007 11:28:30 PM | I know this one all too well. I feel for you as it isnt easy.
There will always be questions.
Does he have any uncles, or do you have any close long term male friends that you really trust? Maybe once a week one of them could spend an hour with him.
When he is older, there is Big Brothers which are a GREAT bunch of people. I believe he needs to be 8 to have one... but still something to seriously consider for the future.
I know of a few parents that have used that agency and have nothing but excellent things to say about them.
For now, try male family and friends... and just keep answering the questions honestly.
You're doing great!
OP... please mail me. | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/10/2007 11:51:45 PM | Looking 4 u 2,
I read your post and I was touched by the sincerity of it. I, too, lost my children's father to a freak accident while he was on tour overseas. My oldest was 11 at the time and thought her father was the cat's meow and my other child was 8, she wasnt as close to her father. It's amazing but neither one shed many tears when they were told of their father's death but I know it affects them, there is a void in their lives, my oldest more so than my younger daughter.
To this day, my now 16 yo will not visit her father's grave or willingly go around her daddy's family. She absolutely refuses to acknowledge he is even dead and by doing those very actions , it makes it so vividly real to her. She is now in counseling dealing with her issues of loss. we are fighting to get her to come to terms with her grief. She suffers from extreme depression as a result of all this.
I try very hard not to introduce anyone into my children's lives that I dont feel would be sensitive to their particular issues.s. And I lay out from the get go that my children may not be involved in my social/dating life for some time. I may be overprotective but I will not allow my children to be hurt and left if things dont work out in that relationship. It would hurt me so deeply to know I added more pain to their lives.
Having stated a short history of my past, I felt led to say, your son is so young and his father died before his birth, children are so resillient, I think he is/will be an awesome kid because it seems you are taking all the right steps, Mom. I applaude you and know how difficult it is to want to protect him and give him everything he is missing by not having is father there. Love him and I know you are.
A thought :I saw a movie ( I so wished I could remember the title) once that anytime the little girl needed to talk to her mother,who passed away, she put a note into a ballon and release it to "heaven", maybe that would be a good way for him to " communicate" to his daddy so that he feels connected to dad.
I know its hard for a woman to stand in the dad role, but you are blessed in having his grandfather as a male role model ...I am sure that Granddad loves him dearly and will help him be a man by instilling ALL the traits required of a caring sensitve man until that wonderful man comes along that will love you both.
MANY HUGS TO YOU AND GOD WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY...
P.S. TAKE CARE OF YOU, TOO! | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/11/2007 1:10:29 AM | I should't really be posting on this for one coz i'm not married and i have't lost a father figure. weather it be my partner or my old man. In the past few years i have seen my unkle die leaving a young boy, and more recently a close friend of mine dieing of cancer and leaving behind 2 young children.
I'm not sure what i would do, but from what i have seen. The child needs to come frist, this is not to say you go out and find a man coz he wants a new daddy. I'm just saying that there will be times when you need to protect him, and other times when you can just be cool about it. Being honest with them, as honest as you can be with a child of that age (what ever ages that might be). If your not ready to have a man in your life chance are your child is't. there would be a lot of ajustment for all of you.
anyways thats my view | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/11/2007 2:17:48 AM | Is there a Big Brother Association in your area? Kinf of like a boys/girls club organization? I know that my brother had joined the YMCA back in the 70's and he was with his peers, made friends and had male influences. (positive ones) Your little guy is still young and very inquisitive, which is good. Perhaps a little boys gym program where men are involved and you can hang out to see that he is okay.
Also, there are programs in private prep schools that require young men/women to give community service to local daycares and schools, community organizations.
Scouting is good also. I am a single parent by divorce and my kids really look up to their sports coaches (I have been blessed with level headed coaches) during their younger lives and then when they got the jerk-coaches, they knew how to deal with them as they got older.
I know too that in daycare situations, mommies and daddies pick up their kids and some only have one parent and then they ask the questions and feel the void. Reassurance that they have family who loves them, god-parents and friends..list them off in a loving manner. "Look what you have..." and give him a hug and a kiss. Also...someday HIS daddy and angels may find someone good enough to stand in for him.
Best of luck to you both! | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/11/2007 5:22:54 AM | BooBooGirl:
Excellent resources! I may even use them myself for my own.
Vanessa | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 4/11/2007 4:24:14 PM | | Take it one day at a time, keep yourself as busy as you can and it WILL be better with time, I know you won't want to hear this but 2-3 years is a good possibility of you being able to think with a clear head but everyone is different, Dan | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 12/19/2007 9:59:12 AM | hello there, I know what it's like to lose a parent. I was 10 when my mother was killed in a motorcycle accident. we buried her on her 33rd birthday just after mother's day. my father remarried that year. I have 2 younger brothers, my youngest brother recalls some things about mom. She was my best friend even at 10. For a young girl to lose her mother is the toughest thing. so many things to inquire about. I think it's great you are there for your daughter. I truly admire you for always being there and NEVER giving up. I'll keep you in my prayers.(if it's ok)    | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 12/20/2007 1:14:02 PM |
Any advice is welcome! Thanks
I am facing things from the opposite side. My kids lost their mom. They did know her but things are not going to be the same, particularly when my daughter reaches puberty and girl things start to go on. I really do worry about handling that phase of her life.
Maybe you can try "Big Brothers". Is there an uncle or a cousin who was close to his dad's age who might be available? I know that isn't always the case as there's no family in our immediate area too. How about play dates with his friends so he can spend time with THEIR dads? | |
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| When one parent dies
Posted: 12/20/2007 10:33:42 PM | | well i don,t really know what to tell you.but i do understand.my ex died two weeks ago of cancer our youngest child is 16.so she understands about death.but we have a grand child who is 4 and she,s always asking quisions about her grand dad.she don,t understand at all.and she misses him bad. | |
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