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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?      Home login  
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 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 1
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Everyone has their parameters/boundaries. Some people aren't interested in long distance relationships, interested in others with children under 18, interested in or don't participate in certain activities, interested in people who are separated & not yet divorced or widows/widowers.These subjects are talked about frequently in the forums.
One subject that hasn't been discussed in over 45 forums, is retirement or at least in the search I did.
So, here goes............
Many people are close to retirement and some of us have already retired. Others have a few years left before they are eligible for retirement. Some will have to work until they physically can't work anymore, because of finances and/or they want to stay active in the workforce and never want to retire. Of course, everyone has a different agenda and/or target date for retirement.
So, here are my questions..........
When you're looking at profiles, do you eliminate a person based on the fact that they're retired? or not?
If you're retired, do you look for someone else who is also retired?
If you're still working do you wonder if being with a person who is retired would be a good match? Is it necessary for these two people to be on the same page?
Does it make any difference to you, one way or the other?

Muskoka
 peggyp
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 2
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/4/2007 11:14:49 AM
I do elimanate retired because I still have a few years to work before I can afford to retire and a lot of the retired guys seem to want to travel or go south for thr winter and of course I can't do that.
I have no objection to him being retired if he helps out at home while I am at work and doesn't expect me to work, come home and work some more. I think it would be great if he were home and did the things a wife would do for a working husband. Of course I would do a share where necessary but the evenings and weekends woud be my little bit of retirement .
 RussetAutumnRose
Joined: 1/27/2007
Msg: 3
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/4/2007 11:20:06 AM
I'm retired, but the man in my life right now, is not. We get to spend quality time together, however, there are a lot of daytime activities that I participate in, that he can't. We're definitely not on the same page, as far as where we are in life.

I guess it would depend on what you're looking for in a relationship. Being an independent person, I've always done things on my own, anyway, rather than waiting for a man to do them with me. So, it works fine for me, either way.

If I were looking for a husband, I'd probably be looking for retired. So far, the men in my life are usually too young for retirement.

.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 4
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/4/2007 12:27:02 PM
I'm retired and she isn't. Though I encourage her to do so, it is okay with me if she wants to work her fanny off until she drops. The way I see it, there is every chance that some boss or idiot customer will eventually tick her off enough to pull the trigger. Knowing that that is what I want her to do, then she will them all to stick it when things go sour. Why not? It is just a matter of time.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 5
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/4/2007 1:09:31 PM
I am not yet retired, but giving it a lot of thought - well, semi retirement anyway.

I have never dated anyone who was retired, but then I haven't been asked out by someone in that position.

If I was to date someone who was retired, I would ask them what it is they are looking for.

I know when I do semi retire/retire, I will be spending a good deal of time out of the country in the winter. If the retired person doesn't want to do that, or doesn't want me to do that, it could produce a problem.
 en garde
Joined: 11/5/2005
Msg: 6
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/4/2007 2:29:04 PM
Maybe not on the same page, but certainly reading from the same book and close to the same chapter.
 ksue44
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 7
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/4/2007 3:38:22 PM
OP - great post and some good thinking. I'd have to get my thinking cap on that, as I really have my heart set on retiring in Belize. As far as being on the same page, it depends on the individuals.

What's interesting is the divorce rate is creeping up for retired couples because nowadays, a woman isn't so willing to accept where hubby wants to retire, she has her own ideas. So, it's creating a lot of friction with older couples.

I know in my situation with my ex BF, he wants to retire in NY. I love NY in the spring, summer, and fall, but I can tell you, I couldn't take the winters of Buffalo. I'd want some sort of compromise where we would've lived up there for a few months, and then in Belize or another warm climate for the other months of the year.
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/4/2007 6:30:30 PM
I'm semi-retired some of the time , but work from home and my s.o. works full time. He's the sort of person who would have difficulty NOT working. He admits that he likes and needs the structure and he plans to work for as long as he is able.

If were were together 24/7, I admit I might have to lay down the law sometimes when I needed time to write. He respects what I do, and has understood when occasionally I've had to give him advance notice that I need a weekend on my own - even though I have all week to do what I want, sometimes I need more solitude.

Respect and understanding of how needs may differ is very important in any relationship and I think that's especially true when we are older. In our case, we've both been in long marriages and freely discussed what was good and bad in past relationships, and where we made mistakes. We may not always be on exactly the same page, but we are reading the different pages to each other. It's an ongoing process, always.
 Mickchick
Joined: 12/18/2006
Msg: 9
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/4/2007 6:33:17 PM
I will be working for at least another 8 years. I was in a relationship with a semi-retired guy and it was a bone of contention between us because he could take off on trips and I can't. I'm also concerned that, assuming the person I was with had plenty to do to keep them busy during the daytime, they may be sitting waiting for me to get home and entertain them that night. Since I work in a high pressure job that requires overtime on a regular basis, knowing someone was sitting home waiting for me to get home would put an additional pressure on me that I don't want or need.

While I KNOW that not everyone was is retired would be that way or feel that way, it's enough of a concern for me to steer away from someone who is already retired.

MickChick
 harviej
Joined: 12/18/2006
Msg: 10
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History
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/4/2007 7:15:41 PM

Maybe not on the same page, but certainly reading from the same book and close to the same chapter.

Can't say it any better en garde, but I can repeat it!
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 11
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/5/2007 5:44:49 AM
What's interesting is the divorce rate is creeping up for retired couples nowadays, a woman isn't so willing to accept where hubby wants to retire, she has her own ideas. So, it's creating a lot of friction with older couples.

This is amazing because within the past couple of months, I've heard the same thing about two different couples.
Couple #1.
He wants them to travel and see the world and she doesn't want to travel because she doesn't want to give up her Wednesday card club and be away from her grandchildren for more than a couple of days. ( No, they don't live with them.)
Couple #2
She wants them to downsize, buy an RV and drive throughout North America, Mexico and Central America together, stopping and going as they please. He doesn't want to leave the couch because he had to face a daily grind for 40 yrs.
Both parties of these two couples worked and have saved for retirement together.
Because they are at an impasse, about how they want to spend their golden years and they're not compromising, both couples are facing divorce.
So, if long term married couples are facing these conflicts of interest....how important is it for single people to make sure they're on the same page/ similar retirement agenda when looking for a mate?
Posters in the forums talk about life being too short, live life to the fullest....etc. So, is it important to establish what they mean by these statements? when it relates to how they want to spend their remaining years, retirement years?
There are other posters in this forum who have posted that their partners are still working, while they, themselves, are retired.......waiting for the day that the other, retires. Would you do this?
For the record....I wouldn't have a problem keeping busy if my partner has to work a few more yrs I think it would be important however, to discuss how we want to spend our retirement years together.
Is this another topic that singles, nearing retirement, need to discuss with each other while getting to know each other?
Thanks for the feedback so far......
Muskoka
 Mickchick
Joined: 12/18/2006
Msg: 12
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/5/2007 7:07:46 AM
I think (and I hadn't thought about it before) that it IS something that needs to be discussed, just like any other goals or life decisions should be (i.e., wanting children or not, wanting to stay in the same area to be close to family, etc., or not) My former MIL and FIL almost divorced when he retired because he had ALWAYS said he was moving to FL the day after he retired, she had always agreed, and then when he DID retire, she announced she wasn't leaving her family, friends, and house. He told her he couldn't make her leave her family and friends, but he was selling the damn house whether she went with him to FL or not. She eventually went, the kids followed... but it was a really touchy situation for a while.

My ex-BF broke up with HIS long term GF because they had spent years travelling and doing whatever they wanted, then she decided she wanted to be a full time subsitute parent to her grandchildren. He decided that wasn't what he wanted/what he had signed up for, and they ended up splitting because he wanted to be free to pursue adult activities (meeting friends at bars) and she didn't anymore. How you want to spend your time after you retire (and how you want to spend your money, I suspect, as well) is a big issue! Great point, Muskoka, and one I hadn't really thought about before. One more thing to consider!

MickChick
 Marjatta
Joined: 3/24/2007
Msg: 13
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/5/2007 3:42:48 PM
Hello Muskoka!

First of all I just wanted to say that you have a delightful profile. I really enjoyed reading it.

I think you've brought up a very good issue in terms of "retirement" because most of us over 45 (especially if we're lucky) can take early retirement and pursue the options we want while we still have our health and can enjoy them.

I would NEVER discount a potentially interesting man because he was retired or not retired. I've had relationships with both. One retired chap decided he was going to learn to play the guitar. I thought that was so cool. Another learned to fly after he was 50. The entire time, I was working and still am. It was kind of neat to have dinner on the table when I got home! LOL

As mentioned by the others and yourself, I think this is just another one of those vague "factors" that isn't necessarily a deal-breaker on its own...it's just how each person's expectations of their lives going forward (retired or not) are going to play out.

Really good food for thought. Thank you.

Marjatta
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 14
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/5/2007 4:19:14 PM
Marjatta...
Thank you so much for the nice compliment. You've made my day. I hope the Easter Bunny comes out of retirement and brings you lots of candy and everything else you're wishing for......
Where's the little Easter Bunny iconette? Christmas is over. Marcus...helloooo.....are you there? MARCUS!!!!!
Muskoka
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 15
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/5/2007 10:30:38 PM
Muskoka ~~ I think it's like anything else: some people will work it out either because they just naturally fit, or because one or the other was/is willing to give a bit. Or a lot.

I've been appalled for years that people break up because one gets a job in a different city and the other won't go. But then, I always did love the story of Ruth. . . .

My last relationship, it wasn't a problem at all: he was an actor, which involved from the outset real willingness to work around his schedule. My being retired helped enormously, and I even managed to travel with him a bit. I liked when he was gone, and I could get my stuff done, and liked it better when he came home, and we got *our* stuff, lol! On the other hand when he was between shows, it was fun having whole days together. He never intended to retire: he wanted to die of a heart attack on stage in the middle of King Lear, at the age of 82.

On the other hand I've known more than one woman who returned to work when their husbands retired because he spent his whole day "supervising" her. . . . So they worked to get away.

I have *loved* being retired: there is finally enough time for me to do pretty much all I want to do in a day, instead of trying to fit it around my employer's needs.

So no, I don't eliminate either because they're retired OR because they're still working. What I look for is that there is a PASSION for something. Of course, I don't eliminate for distance, age, height, race, weight either, so maybe it's just me. . . .


.
 SailingWench
Joined: 12/11/2006
Msg: 16
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/6/2007 2:25:39 PM
This is a great topic, and a very real relationship issue.

I am not sure the timing of the retirement is as important as the retirement plans themselves. This issue is huge amongst sailors. Most of us dream of the day when we can chuck the corporate world and sail anytime we want to. And, the ultimate goal for some of us is to completely cut all ties to our land based possessions and sail away full time.

Now, if both partners don't agree on this one, you can have big problems. I have seen many couples split over this one. In most cases, the man wants to sail off into the sunset, and the woman wants to stay close to hearth and home. Even though this has always been the husbands dream, the wife expects him to outgrow it.

If you cannot agree on a retirement plan, it is a no win situation. If you have to give up on your dreams, you will be disappointed and unhappy. If you are forced to live someone else's dream, you will feel resentful and unhappy.

This is one of those areas in a relationship that demands honest communication.

Live your dream, don't dream your life.
 ~1happywoman~
Joined: 9/20/2006
Msg: 17
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/6/2007 7:15:41 PM
I never really thought about this, but reading the replies, I guess there are advantages to dating someone who is fortunate enough to retire. The downside is that it seems the ones I've been out with just want to sit. Going out to dinner is a big night for them.

But for me - I happen to love my work and intend to keep on doing it until I can't make it in to the job any more. I tend to be a procrastinator around the house, but I'm organized and get things done at work. There is an elderly doctor that I see come in every day, and he probably will work until the day he dies. But sharp as a tack and moves like a man many years younger.

I think it probably does make a difference in that it's another facet of personalities and lifestyles that needs to either match up or compliment each other.
 captnjimbo
Joined: 2/11/2006
Msg: 18
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Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/6/2007 7:35:35 PM
Seems that all are correct in their views on the retirement issue. Yes, it's an issue for me as well. As 'sailing wench' said, ""most couples are sailing his dream". As I sail to various places, I find that some ladies have learned to love the life, some have accepted it hoping that he will soon get tired of it. Some have just have had enough. There are a lot of single guys out there sailing their dream singlehanded. One of the issues that I consider is if the potiential lady I meet is close enough to retirement age and how open she is to traveling. If she really loves her job, from my perspective, I won't wish to ask for her to change for anything. If her plans are to sit on the front porch, or say, spend her time gardening or some other interest that precludes sailing, then for me, she is not a potiential to meet. Her interests art are of utmost importance when deciding to contact or not.
There are a lot of things in a profile that I look at prior to contacting. Retirement or close to retirement is just one. A person has to have the ability to physically travel, The where with all to travel, ( tho I have found that living on a sailboat costs about $1.50/day) excluding the cost of the alcohal. Plus an occasional repair.
I'm not too sure about being on the same page , but being on the same boat would be important!
 omgosh
Joined: 11/23/2005
Msg: 19
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/7/2007 4:53:54 AM
As long as they aren't retired from life lol.
If they are active (community or any other venue) then it doesn't matter to me.

SAS (short and sweet)
 Pixy Dust
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 20
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History
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/7/2007 3:15:52 PM
I am still working, and will be continuing to do so. I really hadn't thought about someone being retired or not.....

I certainly can see the sailor's of the vast sea not wanting someone in their life who wants to stay bound to the earth so to speak, and couldn't help but think of the song by Looking Glass..... "Brandy"......

I personally don't want a 24/7 relationship. I want a companion and lover and a friend, but having a few individualized interests seem ok by me.

So like Brandy in the song, can't I just wait til you sail home? just leave me a silver locket and a braided chain made in the north of Spain....??? I do understand, luckily I'm in the midwest... not many beaches to watch from ...for your return....

Truly this is all in jest.... sort of....
 RBM
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 21
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/7/2007 5:29:22 PM
Excellent post!

I'm planning on retiring in about 8 more years. I wouldn't exclude a retiree, but definitely need to make sure we're on the same page.

And like Mickchick, I wouldn't really feel comfortable being with a current retiree who stayed home all day, expecting me to entertain them after a hard day's work and commute. I too work in a tough job and have a long commute. Adding stress to the day wouldn't be healthy.

I have recently been communicating with two retirees from PoF. Both are very nice, and both do seem to keep quite busy. The idea of me being able to just "up and go" for a week of travel hasn't happened yet, but they'd surely be unhappy to learn that my employer isn't that flexible.

And what to do after BOTH are retired is certainly worth consideration! Travel or not, financial aspects, local activities, etc. All play a role.
 dust2gold
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 22
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/8/2007 10:12:37 AM
Geez, now you got me thinking... I am still working though I been thinking about retiring. I'll probably work at least another 5 years or until they let me go. Definately we need to be on the same page, my problem is I don't know what page I am on. I enjoy working but my next job will be just for the joy of it. Travel someplace helping in some meaningful project that will make a difference in someone else's life. Most important she will have to be a partner.
 Muskoka Gold
Joined: 4/18/2006
Msg: 23
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/9/2007 4:02:16 PM
I guess there are advantages to dating someone who is fortunate enough to retire. The downside is it seems the ones I've been out with just want to sit.Going out for dinner is a big night for them.

Maybe, you've been going out with the wrong retirees. I am retired and I've noticed some "still-working" gentlemen who after a long day's work, want to sit. And, going out for dinner is a big night for them, too.That being said, I'm all for balance in our lives....a little work and a little play.
Back to my original question...Do you pass retirees by, when viewing profiles?
Muskoka
 Song Sparrow
Joined: 3/24/2007
Msg: 24
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/9/2007 5:29:08 PM
This is a real toughy . There are so many YOUNG people here that are retired. I know I have a few more years to work. (keep buying the lottery tickets LOL) I would hope if I dated a retired gentleman that they would have some others interests or hobbies to keep them busy. I wouldn't want someone just sitting around waiting for me to get home from work. Of course it would be nice to come home to dinner made.......
Hhhmmmmm need to think about this more.
 regularguy52
Joined: 1/14/2007
Msg: 25
Retirement: Do we need to be on the same page?
Posted: 4/10/2007 5:00:22 PM
As long as both are ok with it what does it matter? I love what I do, and don't plan to stop for a while yet. I'm too restless a person to not have things to do and purpose behind doing them.
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